So I just discovered what demisexuality is

thewetdog_ · 2021-10-09T19:01:21+00:00

What I think of this topic is that women need to be critical of labels and categories that aim to tell them what they feel.

We should ask ourselves what we gain from these labels, how constructive they are for our growth and if they cannot be used against us eventually.

Id never heard of this term but personally? It just reminds me of how low the bar is. Now there’s a subcategory of people who need to like someone’s personality to want to have sex with them? This should be the default. Maybe I’m just old.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-10-09T19:21:09+00:00

I'm sceptical of that term. If you tell me you need emotional connection for sex it does make you normal in my eyes. I mean, what it implies it that the default state of sexuality is wanting to fuck people solely based on their physical features. Sounds sociopathic tbh. I'm bi. One stereotype of bisexuals is how they are always down to fuck. For me this couldn't be further from the truth. I'm picky af. I only develop sexual feelings when I feel a personal/emotional connection towards people who happen to be either or the female or male sex. What I heard this is the same from monosexuals but just with single sex attraction (own or other sex). "Demisexuality" as a term normalizes hookup culture by othering what had been considered healthy human sexuality before.

daisy_0720 · 2021-10-10T06:06:10+00:00

"Demisexual" is a term our pornsick society is trying to shove down our throats to gaslight women into believing they're somehow 'rare' or 'niche' because they feel uncomfortable at the thought of fucking a complete stranger.

No. It is normal to want to establish emotional intimacy and a human connection before having sex with someone.

It's not our fault that men have fried their brains from porn consumption from the age of 7 to the point where they're unable to form real human relationships. Trying to portray normal healthy sexual desire that comes from building strong connections with another person and seeing them as fully human as some kind of rare and odd deviance from the norm is fucking repulsive.

I absolutely loathe the term 'demisexuality' and I hate seeing women use it unironically on this sub. By doing so, you're perpetuating the dangerous idea that the viewing of another human as nothing more than a sexual object is the norm. I'm sick of seeing this term being thrown around and I want people challenging it at every opportunity they get.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-10-09T19:31:48+00:00

I think that's just normal.

Kind of sounds like we're taking women's sexuality and making it an unusual subcategory of normal sexuality, IE male sexuality, where most of them will put their dick in a McChicken. That's not normal!

Novemberinthechair · 2021-10-09T20:21:19+00:00

Demisexual is a term that was invented for people uncomfortable with fucking strangers and don't like hookups. Mainstream culture is so sex pozzie and pornsick, that this term became a thing. In fact, demisexual isn't a sexual orientation, it's just a label for people who are pragmatic, with healthy boundaries who want to feel safe and connected to the person they're having sex with. That's not weird... at all.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-09T20:58:12+00:00

That sounds normal. Until men's porn-addled brains objectified women as cum-receptacles.

Modern man views women as an alternative to masturbating.

It's why "dating" apps don't work. Men only put effort into meeting when they're horny. They expect sex after the date.

Women are dating to get to know men for possible long term relationships, of which sex is a minor part.

If the man gets immediate sex, the date went well. Then he doesn't care about her anymore because he never intended to go on more than one "date". He'd love no-effort repeat masturbation, of course.

If he doesn't get sex, the date was terrible and he doesn't care about her anymore because frigid-prude-slut-whore.

If a woman has immediate sex with a stranger, high chance it's terrible and she doesn't want to see him anymore.

If she doesn't, he starts treating her like trash out of porn addict rage frustration.

Male sexuality has become grotesque, and catering to it en masse with the hookup culture serves no-one. So let's get back to being normal. Building an emotional bond with another person before sex.

Moira_Spice · 2021-10-11T13:40:41+00:00

Honestly I feel like demisexuality is a response to the hypersexual world we are in. When women are expected to drop their panties at the slightest woo'ing effort men are doing, and this becomes the norm...

Then you have women saying "hey this ain't for me, what am I then? I don't relate to this!". They fe helpless because there's nothing for those women that refuse to concede to this hypersexuality expectation. Then they learn about this demisexuality thing, go "oh my god I AM THE ONE THATS NOT NORMAL". And the more this goes on, the more demisexual women there is, and the more this spreads.

It is okay to not wanna fuck at first sight. You wouldn't invite a stranger male into your home to cook him a meal and pamper him? That's normal, you don't know him. Kinda the same with love. You have to learn to know this person. Same with sex.

Yet those men expect us to drop our panties, not knowing his values or his momma's name?

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-10-11T05:05:42+00:00

The term really just shows you how heavily porn has influenced young people. Not wanting to fuck a bunch of strangers is suddenly a sexual orientation? Give me a break. It's disheartening that so many women/girls view themselves as "different" or needing a label because men have convinced us that we are sexual objects and that we want to be sexual objects.

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-10-13T08:51:18+00:00

Without the pressure from society, I'm willing to bet this is the natural state for most women. For most men, based on their actions and the fact that many say they struggle to be celibate by choice, it probably isn't the natural state for men, and definitely not the default state for LVM.

rocky24683 · 2021-10-10T07:07:11+00:00

So uh...I'm a demisexual and I'm on the asexual spectrum.

So there's aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction refers to attraction towards your outward appearance. Sexual attraction is more of wanting to have sex with someone.

Honestly, I have never felt sexual attraction for the longest time. I acknowledge that there are people around me that are attractive, but that's pretty much it. It only took me about a year ago to figure out what sexual attraction feels like because I never felt it before in my entire life (asexuals can have high libido s, but it usually is just that. Like the libido isn't directed towards anyone)

If you want to learn more, there's a pretty active asexual community on reddit. We would welcome you with garlic bread and dragons

Muffcakelord · 2021-10-10T22:05:50+00:00

The way i see it, what differ demisexuals from others is the fact that they cannot get turned on without being sexually interested in someone. To awake their sexuality, they need to feel connection, and so either i guess they could bond with fictional characters and maybe use fictional porn or something but in my personal experience, i went a whole 5 years of my early life masturbating for experimentation while thinking about nothing at all. It was such a mind blown when i finally fell in love and was able to think about or imagine something/someone specific to help me so that it wouldn't require a whole 30-60 minute each session.

I don't think the majority of women relate to this specific situation because most people are able to have crushes without deep connections or even be aroused by porn. Demis often experience being left out in a way because they never had any big or at least sexual crushes like "everyone else had" (or pretended to have for the excitement of it). Maybe i'm wrong and i wasn't the one of the few doing this for so many years? But people i have talked to about this say they don't relate at all and some are more than able to have sex with platonic friends. It sounds like a no brainer "everyone's like that" kind of deal but there is a difference even though i wish for it to be the normal

LR_today · 2021-10-13T09:19:14+00:00

When guys ask about it I say "it used to be called normal". I'm a demi and always let guys know about it so they can either accept it and continue with me or fuck allllllll the way off and keep fucking off when they realize they won't be getting sex on the first, second, sixth or even tenth date.

annamae602 · 2021-10-13T18:29:24+00:00

Demisexuality is only a term because hypersexuality has become the norm. It's an attempt to "other" the bulk of the population to a meaningless category, and I view it as a symptom of the larger pornified culture.

Feeling sexual attraction to someone only when you're emotionally bonded is a normal, healthy variation of sex drive, is perfectly standard human behavior and doesn't need a label.

BaffledBazaar · 2021-10-09T19:42:50+00:00

I prefer the on asexual spectrum but experiences rare sexual attraction definition over personality attraction.

steingrrrl · 2021-10-13T13:31:12+00:00

I could have written this whole post word for word! i never understood 'hook up culture' or one night stands, like the idea of meeting a STRANGER and being intimate with them is so alien to me. even if they were incredibly objectively attractive, there would be no spark or way for me to be turned on by them. theres a huge difference to me between my eyes noticing that someone is objectively attractive and me being turned on by someone. like i literally thought that guys were joking when theyd say they saw a hot woman and got a boner/wanted to have sex with her.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2021-10-13T14:19:01+00:00

What is commonly being labelled as “demisexuality” is really normal, common sexuality. What used to be considered unusual was people hooking up and having sex quickly upon meeting or barely knowing each other, but it’s becoming the norm now. Basically, demisexuality, from what I can tell, is really three things: 1) a way to describe one’s sexuality in a time when everyone’s sexuality is being picked apart, 2) a way to enforce boundaries in a culture that tells you that you are a prude or abnormal if you don’t put out fast (and also as a way to try to deal with pushy men), and 3) a result of what society considers normal sexuality being flipped and therefore the non-hookupness being otherized.

ms_monquis · 2021-10-13T15:46:57+00:00

My thought is it's ridiculous to have to make a new term for "normal." We do it not because "demisexuality" is so unusual that it needs to be called out and defined, but because all the other subcategories need a foil. "Without a Them there isn't an US." If "demisexuality" is just another stripe on an ever-growing flag, we're all the same! We're all equally healthy! Waiting weeks or months to sleep with someone is exactly the same as wanting to be pissed on! Yay equality!

I was also excited when I initially saw this term because, oh finally, I have a box to check! Then I realized checking that box initiated me into a game I have no interest in playing. Dating is about getting to know a person and deciding whether I want to hitch my wagon to his star. Anyone who needs me to define myself as someone who needs to like a person before I fuck him has already disqualified himself.

Also, this isn't anything new. I remember reading this when I was a KID: "Men love the women they're attracted to; women are attracted to the men they love."

katiekat0214 · 2021-10-13T15:36:23+00:00

I'm demi, always been demi, just didn't know the word until my late 40s! Need connection, friendship, deep trust before I feel anything at all. Friendship is always the basis, first and foremost. When I was younger and had libido, I slept around, but only because hormones would not let me think clearly, and I hated it, HATED it. I made some stupid decisions, including one one-night stand, felt icky, and swore never again. But none of it was satisfying. Yes, my body was satisfied in the moment, but that wore off very quickly, and I was left with this deep feeling of emptiness. It took me a while, again because of excess hormones, to realize that I needed that connection first!

Second marriage, I found it, in another demi man. He was older than me, and he died at only 69, so never again with an older man, even though J was my soulmate and we had so much in common. We were solid friends first, last, and always; we could talk about anything and everything; we had good sex also, but it was last on the agenda. What we both loved most was that it felt like we left off talking on one life and picked it back up in this one, and this will go on and on through many lifetimes. He was my best friend, lover, husband, confidante, and he both fit into my life and expanded it, and I did the same with his life.

What I most noticed about being demi that works for me so well, and I daresay would work for more people, especially women who date, is GO SLOW. Let that friendship bond solidify first. Make sure you can talk about everything, and that the conversation is wide-ranging and ongoing, and you simply delight in each other's presence. Make sure no questions are ever off the table. Once that mental, emotional, spiritual and physical connection is there, the relationship is an absolute delight. And when you inevitably have disagreements, that strong bond makes them easier to resolve.

spicybookmaster · 2021-10-13T15:53:41+00:00

The book “Come As You Are” is a fantastic read about female sexuality. It explains how drastically different each woman experiences sex and all that comes with it. It made me feel a lot better and more confident!

dancedancedance7 · 2021-10-13T19:28:42+00:00

Imo it's a completely BS term that describes normal human sexuality. It's not weird to want an emotional connection and not just project your sexual desires onto someone because of their appearance. HVM also don't just want to hump everything in sight, it's not a woman thing. Let's normalize having standards.

sleepysiri · 2021-10-13T14:27:42+00:00

I agree with the person who said to be careful about labels. Works for some, doesn’t work for some. The fact that demisexuality is considered as part of the asexuality spectrum always felt weird to ME. It felt weird for me.

Because I am a very sexual person with frequent sexual attractions and a healthy libido and would never identify as even a tiny bit asexual. But I need that emotional bond and psychological connection (which, FIRST OF ALL, just seems like a regular and healthy courting relationship lmao). Like, I simply don’t want to have sex with an emotionally stunted racist or stupid bigot. Hence, emotional and mental connection, bond and trust. It’s not like being hetero or homosexual where you’re born that way. This is very much a conscious choice. Now that I write this out, I’m not even sure if I’d consider myself demisexual. Like these are just healthy boundaries, right?

sjefsiljuuus · 2021-10-13T20:32:35+00:00

I believed for a long time that I was demisexual, because I felt weird when I didnt want to randomly hook up with someone. I felt different because I wanted that emotional connection and safety from my partner before sex, while I knew friends were just hooking up like that was the normal thing to do.

After a while, I figured out that I wasnt weird or unnormal because I required emotional connection and safety before I had sex with someone. I have never felt comfortable with the hook up culture, and I have never felt comfortable with just having sex with someone I dont know at all, because it didnt garantuee me that I would be safe.

I have always had a rule that I wont have sex with someone unless I am in a relationship with them, because a relationship meant that I would have that connection with someone I trusted.

I dont call myself a demisexual anymore, because I feel that «demisexual» is supposed to be a term for those who dont agree with the hook up culture and tell them they are somewhat different. It is normal to want that safety, and emotional connection with someone before you have any sexual encounter with them. Sex is supposed to be about an intimate and emotional connection with someone you love and trust and you arent unnormal for wanting that at all.

Salt_Satisfaction · 2021-10-14T14:22:05+00:00

I always thought demisexuality was another of these new zillion labels that I didn't care about. Someone suggested I may be one and when I read the description I just thought that being demisexual was the average behavior?

I can't say I know every single person in the planet, but I always thought "demisexuality" was the norm and that being asexual or wanting to sleep with someone while barely knowing them (consistently, so it is actually a sexuality and not a one-off) just from how they look were the minorities?

There are a lot of people who do hook up culture but it seems more driven by social norms than what they are naturally inclined to do. Men are encouraged to do it as a sign of masculinity and status and women are encouraged so that ultimately men get sex more easily.

AutoModerator · 2021-10-09T18:26:06+00:00

[1] - We Just Launched a Website: wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com. Click here for registration information. Please also join our Twitter and Instagram Pages for updates!
[2] - Please read the FDS Handbook and Wiki before commenting. Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.
[3] - Please REPORT any comments that do not follow the sub rules. If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.
[4] - PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION from images (Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc). Failure to remove ID info will result in a 1-2 day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban.
[5] - This sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

chasingshoesales · 2021-10-15T06:46:18+00:00

I think this term was made to make most women seem “different”. It’s a way to gaslight us. Bro like most of us are attracted to an emotional connection. When you’re open to fucking any attractive guy, I think it’s a cope to just wanting male validation.

Libfems are teaching women that we are hyper sexual the same way men are and primarily care about looks. Like nah sis idc if a guy is a 10/10 if he’s homeless and a complete jerk.

Most people become sexually attracted to a genuinely good person. Most hot guys make my vag dry at the first sign of LV traits. The sex pozzy culture is making this seem abnormal by making a term for it. Just ridiculous. Not wanting to fuck any nice looking man that moves does not make me non-heterosexual. It makes me a woman with standards and self worth. 🤷🏻‍♀️

fg_hj · 2021-10-13T19:18:27+00:00

Aren’t women demisexuals by default? I’m thinking it’s a “sex term” due to it being rare in men.

Comments