Why do men love using this excuse when they f*** up?

Superb-Cancel9071 · 2021-08-24T14:09:48+00:00

"I didn't mean to hurt you" actually means, "I didn't mean for you to find out".

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-08-24T13:58:37+00:00

Well I think in the context of cheating it’s obvious bullshit and everyone knows it. Cheaters will often do or say anything, even something completely nonsensical, to justify their behavior. “I cheated for your benefit” is really what this means and it’s ridiculous. They’re trying to make their evil, self serving behavior altruistic.

I watched a Forensic Files last night where a guy killed his wife and tried the defense in court that he didn’t want her “to suffer the pain of a divorce”. So like, he murdered her for her own good. 🙄

Nobody was buying that; he got life. In reality, he didn’t want to pay anything in a divorce and in true narc fashion he saw her as an extension of himself and so felt entitled to end her life when he had no more use for her. Oh he was also a serial cheater- word of warning.

night_glitter · 2021-08-24T14:15:39+00:00

Because there is no good excuse for cheating. He’s right; he wasn’t trying to hurt you. He wasn’t even thinking of you at all. How you would feel was of zero importance to him. He wasn’t thinking of what would happen if you found out, because he was only thinking of himself. You’re right - complete selfishness.

catlady4u · 2021-08-24T14:09:15+00:00

They love to claim it was a 'mistake'. 🙄 Like no, Frank, you didn't trip and fall into someone's vagina.

ussr_ftw · 2021-08-24T14:54:24+00:00

Similar to "I'm sorry you feel that way" in that it's on you for suffering or feeling negative as a result of his actions.

the-worst- · 2021-08-24T15:34:43+00:00

Translation: I didn't mean for you to get hurt by finding out i was hurting you! You were never supposed to see any of this, and I was just supposed to get away with it for years without any consequences!

shanticlause · 2021-08-24T15:40:17+00:00

I once got an: “I knew you could handle the pain.” Okay, it really didn’t make me feel any better.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-08-24T16:39:10+00:00

Translation: I didn't consciously intend to harm you by doing things that are universally known to cause harm because I'm so practiced in doing harm that it no longer takes conscious effort or thought.

Cheaters always mean harm. It may be subconscious and destroying you may have only been an "unfortunate" side effect of the larger goal of destroying their own shameful, pathologically infantile dependence on intimate partners (clinical profile of abu.sers). But harm was intended all the same. Ab.use is pragmatic. It serves a purpose.

StrikingCoconut · 2021-08-24T18:09:49+00:00

That phrase is the rejoinder of a person who's never been held accountable for their actions and has extremely low emotional intelligence.

Very few fuckups are intentional. Very few people intend to maliciously hurt their partners. But almost no one has complete command over their feelings and the behaviours that stem from them. When men say they "didn't intend to" fuck up, that makes sense to them, it's kind of true. What they don't realise is that the same could be said for 99% of human behavioural problems, major or minor. We fuckup out of negligence or because we were influenced by some subconscious motivation or something that doesn't fall within the realm of intention.

And hurting someone "without intending to" speaks a lot about the consideration one has for others and their feelings, which is to say, very little. That's low EI. If that is said sincerely (as in the speaker thinks it's true) it's a tacit admission of a clear lack of consideration. That person is literally an inconsiderate person. They did not consider your feelings in the fuckup, and that issue is only theirs to deal with, not yours.

I think that's why you tend to hear it from men a lot more than than women? Women are way more attuned to the feelings of others, or we at least acknowledge that other people have feelings that we could potentially hurt with our actions. That's just not something a lot of men even know, let alone allow for in their behaviour.

Edit: also just wanted to add - "I didn't intend to hurt you." Like....okay???? Good for you? I'm glad to hear you're not behaving in a premeditated hurtful way???? That you're not staying up nights, coming up with dastardly schemes to cause pain to me, your partner??? Would you like a medal??? Or a fucking parade??? "Not intending" to hurt someone is basically the bare minimum of being a decent human, friend. Take some accountability and responsibility for the fact that these things can happen without you intending them to.

BasketLow8411 · 2021-08-24T16:19:38+00:00

Or, “I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want you to make a big deal about it. And now you made it a big deal.”

Muffcakelord · 2021-08-24T17:19:35+00:00

Bro it literally means "i have no excuses and i have no intention of saying sorry"

It's the most entitled response anyone could muster

queenofswordsxxx · 2021-08-24T16:25:46+00:00

I got a ‘I’m sorry I didn’t know what I was doing’ like wut dude what do u mean

u lied about ‘not seeing other people’ then got caught on tinder

Men know exactly what they’re doing.

23eggz · 2021-08-24T16:45:52+00:00

I really hate when they use that excuse for why they lied... its patronizing and belittling. Tell it to me straight and stop being a coward

BellaStayFly · 2021-08-24T17:12:56+00:00

“I didn’t mean to get caught.” “I’m sorry you found out.”

scooter_se · 2021-08-24T20:32:02+00:00

The highway to hell is paved with good intentions. And yeah, I fucking HOPE that wasn’t what you were trying to do. Not wanting to hurt someone is like the absolute bare minimum and it doesn’t make things better to hear that

Wild_Artio · 2021-08-25T00:56:35+00:00

They’re simply trying to avoid the reality of the fact that they lack strong morals, and make excuses for impression management. They don’t give a flying fuck if it hurt you. They care that you’re mad now which makes it harder to continue using you for their benefit.

thediverswife · 2021-08-24T20:32:55+00:00

‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’ is such a ridiculous thing that men say. It doesn’t matter what you meant, what matters is what you DID

letsberealforamoment · 2021-08-24T23:34:59+00:00

The man im dating recently said that to me. We were going shopping together a d he "joked" to his friend that i was "making" him go. I immediatley said, you dont have to come, nobody is forcing you. Which was the truth. He wanted to come because he wanted to spend time with me.

He noticed i was upset afterwards. I told him what he made me feel devalued and disrespected and i will not tolerate any "jokes" that suggest he is a put upon bf doing his gfs bidding. That nobody put a gun to his head, and if.he didnt want to come, then lets be adults and do our own thing.

He was stunned and said "that wasnt my intent! I was jusy JOking! Im sorry i made you feel that way".

I said: i believe you didnt intend that. BUT I DONT CARE.

theredwolf07 · 2021-08-24T23:09:50+00:00

Translation: “I didn’t mean for you to find out. Not because I care about your feelings, but because you’ll leave and then I won’t have as much sexual access.”

ashcantcatchabreak · 2021-08-25T02:59:58+00:00

They think their actions should count if they “didn’t mean it.” They think there should be no consequences for their actions

SlayOfSunshine · 2021-08-25T03:35:23+00:00

I’ve never F*CKING understood the “it wasn’t my intention” thing! It’s like “Sorry I burnt your house down, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just wanted to roast some marshmellows to enjoy.” Meanwhile you made that choice knowing exactly WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND THAT IT WOULD HURT ME AND THAT IT WAS WRONG. You knowingly and willfully did it to serve yourself at my expense. WTF?!

Platipus6 · 2021-08-24T21:55:51+00:00

Magical childish thinking.

"I intended to do the thing which I knew would hurt you, but I wanted you to not be hurt".

"I wanted to get away with doing this thing, let's see if I can. I'll deal with it if she blows up".

Space_Gators · 2021-08-24T22:24:45+00:00

Intentions are a made up fantasy world in his head that have no meaning to me. He could make up his intentions on the spot while arguing and there’s no way to verify it. Anyone can say they intended anything. Doesn’t matter.

quantumscio · 2021-08-25T06:30:49+00:00

He didn’t intend to hurt you, he was just indifferent as to whether or not he did. Your feelings were never taken into consideration at all.

neon_skelton · 2021-08-25T12:03:00+00:00

This was my ex’s “get out of jail free card”.

~but that wasn’t my iNtEnTiOn~ Okay, that’s great that you haven’t stayed up all night plotting something evil (legit that was the only way he thought it counted to hurt someone). But I keep telling you that these actions hurt me, and they’ve hurt your co-workers so you need to check something if your intentions are so pure and then your actions repeatedly hurt people.

His get out of jail free card was just a way to spin it back onto me. Oh well, he didn’t mean it so I wasn’t allowed to be upset.

Technusgirl · 2021-08-24T16:16:34+00:00

He just means he was hoping you wouldn't find out, that's it.

Outrageous-Bat2472 · 2021-08-24T20:34:07+00:00

Translation. “I’m sorry you found out and I had to SEE how I hurt you”.

Title	Why do men love using this excuse when they f*** up?
Author	emmgdac
Upvotes	570
Comments	56
Date	August 24, 2021 1:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/panmg8/why_do_men_love_using_this_excuse_when_they_f_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-men-love-using-this-excuse-when-they-f-up.1060165 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060165

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