“Decentering” is really just “centering” resentment of the other gender

justdontsashay · 2025-04-02T18:31:35+00:00

It’s not that deep. Just let go of seeing obtaining a relationship as the only goal in your life, learn to enjoy the other aspects of your life so that a relationship is a nice bonus rather than a need.

It doesn’t mean avoid or resent women, if you’re holding onto resentment toward women for not wanting to date you, that’s not decentering at all.

TermAggravating8043 · 2025-04-02T18:28:50+00:00

It is simply a matter of doing what makes you happy and avoiding and anything that might make you unhappy.

If you can’t do what makes you happy, you do the next best thing, you don’t make your life about getting someone and you don’t let others hold that power over you.

In over words, you go your own way, and actually go

NockerJoe · 2025-04-02T18:26:27+00:00

A lot of discussions here very obviously miss the fact that sex is nice and feels good, good relationships are a net positive for everyone involved, and that this shouldn't be controversial as a statement of fact.

You can obsess over not having them at the moment but a lot of this talk sounds less like that and more like sour grapes where the pitch is you spend your life alone and celibate and pretend that's just as good, so that you can appease mentally ill women on the internet and redditors who spent so long in the echo chamber they don't understand they don't represent normal people.

Logos1789 · 2025-04-02T21:28:33+00:00

It’s a propaganda term to put blame on those who unsuccessfully seek relationships.

“Oh, you’re not having success in dating? Have you tried not caring about some of your primary biological urges?”

It has a dual purpose by giving those who are unsuccessful in dating a framing of their situation that makes them feel better.

attendquoi · 2025-04-02T18:27:10+00:00

I'm married, but my marriage is far from the center of my life. You all-or-nothing outlook seems unhealthy.

themfluencer · 2025-04-02T19:20:57+00:00

When I decentered men from my life I just spent a lot of time with my friends and learning how to knit and ride bikes. I did things that I enjoyed because I enjoy them.

rejected-again · 2025-04-02T19:54:49+00:00

Decentering is another way of saying "don't put pussy on a pedestal".

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-04-02T19:04:52+00:00

Your relationship, or lack of one, should not be the center of your life.

That’s not a healthy balance and will not provide personal fulfillment and long term satisfaction.

Decentering women/men just means focus on other parts of your life rather than obsessing over your lack of relationship.

Any-Photo9699 · 2025-04-02T21:17:14+00:00

No you just don't seem to understand what decentering means

SoulRebel99 · 2025-04-02T18:34:46+00:00

until youve experienced a decent amount of flings/liasons etc to where ur actually "meh" about it, and decenter naturally, the best you can do is not prioritize potential connections, unless they express interest and make it easy for you, but as the man invite her to your world and see how she behaves.

in the meantime enjoy your world and have fun w the women who happen to visit.

cutegolpnik · 2025-04-02T19:32:13+00:00

> It is impossible for me to “decenter” women without actively avoiding them.

not really, you can still be around them while placing more value on other goals.

its about being reasonable, acting out of facts instead of feelings, and doing what is best for yourself in the long term rather than chasing short term fulfillment through women.

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Jetpine9 · 2025-04-02T19:48:08+00:00

"decentering" in this case, means not being dependent on women for social needs, friendship, socialization in general, approval, sense of self worth, etc. It means finding meaning in life elsewhere other than relationships with women. It doesn't mean avoid them, just don't be dependent on them.

How would that be the same as "touching grass"?

lord-moo · 2025-04-02T20:09:27+00:00

i must be missing something but, what is with all the "decenter" this and "decenter" that coming from?

the-god-of-vore · 2025-04-02T20:27:48+00:00

I still have a good rapport a number of women from classes who are now in relationships, just treating them like guys

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-04-02T20:36:22+00:00

Yep "decentering" mean stop making it the center of your life. That doesn't forcibly mean to stop looking for a relationship. You just take it when it comes

Eaglone · 2025-04-02T22:45:41+00:00

'Decentering' just means that, if your focus on women or relationships is having a negative effect on your mindset, life or mental health, then you should cut it out.

If you enjoy a woman's company, then you have no motivation to stop.

But when, for example with some incels, thinking about women and relationships is causing you serious despair and negativity, then it can be better to care less about them. They shouldn't be central enough to your life that your mood and feelings depend on them.

Vaudeville_Clown · 2025-04-03T11:04:39+00:00

The true answer is to stare deep down into the darkest question "What if by rotten luck or bad capability, you remain single and sexless for the rest of your life, what then"?

You look deep into that darkness without shying away. Eventually you'll come to terms with that risk. It won't be the life you want, but if it does happen like that, you could deal with it. Furthermore, you start thinking about lots of alternative life goals to pursue instead, to mitigate that risk. Some plan Bs, if you will.

After this, your emotional independence and resilience is at 100% because you unearthed all your fears. Desires be what they may, but without fear, it's really not that hard.

Now you may have the opposite ended problem instead, finding it difficult to bond deeply, in case someone comes along and actually fancies your sorry ass.

Aimeereddit123 · 2025-04-03T20:44:26+00:00

Decentering anyone doesn’t imply meanness. It just means don’t relax or change your values, integrity, interests, or healthy way of life for anyone. Those that like what you stand for will be drawn to you. Don’t change for them.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2025-04-04T19:23:35+00:00

I think the men here really misunderstand what the word “decenter” means…

Decenter - remove or displace (the individual human subject, such as the author of a text) from a primary place or central role.

To take them away from the center. If men feel their primary motivation in life (which I have seen expressed that men here think a wife is the only reason to work, have a home, exercise, any of it) is to get women, they should make that not their primary goal. Not even secondary. Tertiary perhaps. But not like the number one thing of which all others are driving towards. Decenter - not neglect entirely or avoid. Just decenter. Center yourself maybe.

Zabadoodude · 2025-04-02T18:48:27+00:00

Decentering women just means you should have things going on in your life other than trying to chase women. Ironically you will probably get more women that way, since most prefer a man with interesting things going on in his life over a simp that tries to make his whole life revolve around her.

VladTheGlarus · 2025-04-02T18:33:04+00:00

What does "decentering" even mean? Not make it a priority?

If that's the case - yes. Take care of yourself first, because women won't do it for you.

The paradox is that the more you do that - the more women will gravitate to you. Success, money and status attracts them and they want to get a piece of it the easy way - by putting out, not by putting the work.

The problem is that the more successfull you get as a man - the less you give a shit about women and sex. So you start using women and discarding them, because the next one is just a text away. But this way you'll skip some good wife material.

So don't do the mistake to look for the "perfect one", a "good enough" will do. You'll have to settle, but you'll be happier.

Big-Sir7034 · 2025-04-02T22:29:41+00:00

I wouldn’t say resent women. I think having platonic relationships with women is perfectly compatible with de centering.

BUT you can absolutely resent things norms and unhealthy stereotypes that would otherwise result in male yearning for women. You can still call people out on it. You can still avoid prioritising a woman over yourself for the wrong reason (ie that you need their validation).

For me, it just got to a point where the double standards made me feel alienated, so I just don’t engage with those dynamics anymore. But I still have female friends. But they’re just bros, and I treat them as such.

I’m speaking from a place of privilege as I’m queer, so it was easier for me in fairness, having the option to date men too. I imagine it’s more difficult if you’re straight.

SamuraiGoblin · 2025-04-02T23:41:45+00:00

Yes, it always seemed like such weird advice to me. It's like having to tell other people not to be stalkers or something. What does it even mean?

UpstairsAd1235 · 2025-04-03T03:37:09+00:00

That's a conversation many don't want to have. As with many "movements," they hide their real thoughts and goals behind the more digestible and acceptable slogan... I completely agree!

Fancy-Statistician82 · 2025-04-02T19:53:49+00:00

Naw.

Though it seems trite and trendy and therefore annoying, the word "decenter" is actually great.

It doesn't mean "totally stop being interested" or "replace with resentment".

It means, pull this one priority off to the side of center, put some of that energy into your other goals a bit, career and friendships for their own sake. Keep the focus of getting a relationship on the simmer setting for a few months instead of the main heating element.

No need to be extreme. Chillax.

KayRay1994 · 2025-04-02T20:46:09+00:00

I swear this sub takes things too literally. To decenter relationships doesn’t mean going full MGTOW, granted - maybe someone made a post basically saying that decentering relationships is going MGTOW, and if they did, they’re very wrong (you frankly never know here)

Most times, to decenter relationships means not having your life and sense of self revolve around them. It means finding happiness out of relationships and not actively searching for one. Of course, if an opportunity for something organically comes along, pursue it, but the point of decentering isn’t to remove yourself from them entirely, it’s to have something going on in your life that you can hold onto other than being dependent on a potential future partner to make you happy

False-Purple3882 · 2025-04-03T05:52:49+00:00

This just seems like you briefly read something about 4B. The term decentering in this context means to deconstruct the idea that you need a relationship to feel whole. It’s exploring the same concept as the book, “In Search of The Magical Other”. It’s good advice for anyone to follow.

No-Phase-2582 · 2025-04-03T05:31:35+00:00

I don't understand, you want to decenter women but you still want access to them? How does that work? Either date or don't date but pick one. 🤷

Title	“Decentering” is really just “centering” resentment of the other gender
Author	Clean-Luck6428
Upvotes	26
Comments	99
Date	April 2, 2025 6:16 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jpvnqj/decentering_is_really_just_centering_resentment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/decentering-is-really-just-centering-resentment-of.1548415 https://theredarchive.com/post/1548415

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