Q4W: Explain the preference to marry same-age

lefactorybebe · 2019-09-11T21:45:34+00:00

It never struck me to ever be involved with someone older. I was never interested in that, to me older men were either just neutral, non-sexual beings, or they were old and gross if they were trying to cross a sexual boundary. You know how if you're not gay, the idea of dating a dude is just not an option, just not something that ever even pops into your head? Same thing with older men, for me. Just not even on my radar.

Of course there are the practical aspects of wanting someone your own age as well, like similar life stages, similar experiences (someone growing up without the internet had a much different upbringing than I did), aging at the same rate, not dying decades before your spouse, etc, etc.

I am very fortunate to have been brought up in a family and in an area where there is a lot of wealth. It never struck me that i should marry someone in order to maintain a particular lifestyle. Like honestly for much of my life I never even thought about my socioeconomic status, I was just used to what I had and figured that was just normal, what everyone had, and I'd always continue to have it. Once I realized that was not the case, it had already been impressed upon me that I should get a good job. I never thought to rely on a man for money.

I never thought I had ant kind of value that I needed to take advantage of, I thought I would find a man that I liked, date him, fall in love, and have a relationship, which honestly is exactly what happened. It never struck me that I had to cash something in, I never thought that way.

mistresswhat · 2019-09-11T22:13:02+00:00

Older men usually aren't as physically attractive. Their dicks don't work as well, there's no difference in their sexual skill after mid/late twenties or so, and they're likelier to be bald and fat or to become bald and fat sooner.

Aside from that I'd still be hesitant to enter into a relationship with a significantly older man, even a hot one. For one thing, we're in different life stages and that presents some obvious compatibility issues. For another, almost every older man/younger woman relationship I've seen that didn't start with the woman in at least her late twenties has been a fucking shitshow. Guys in their forties who seriously date 18 - 24 year olds are often doing so because they want a level of control.

People here say it's all about youth and beauty and a lack of jadedness but if that were really the case then why do men so consistently mistreat their younger girlfriends? Like if anything you'd think they'd treat them better in order to keep them around.

(Yeah, whatever, your mum married your dad when he was 86 and she was 19 and they're so in love! Every rule has exceptions.)

Texastentialism · 2019-09-11T22:05:55+00:00

Attraction and the fact that I want to build a life with someone, not join someone's already-built life. I love the fact that my husband and I both owe everything we have to each other and have supported each other through every step and struggle of adulthood since we were 23. That's very romantic and valuable to me and I wouldn't trade those shared experiences for all the money in the world.

I also think a large age gap becomes a bigger problem the older you get. Sure, it's fine when you're 25 and he's 45. But it won't be long before you're 45 and he's 65. Then you're 65 and he's 85. With an agemate, you can spend your 20s-50s (roughly) raising kids, then enjoy empty nesthood and retirement together. With a big age gap, you spend your 20s-50s raising kids, then by the time the kids are gone it's time to care for a geriatric husband until he dies just in time for you to be geriatric yourself. Doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

Men already die earlier than women, and especially given our family histories, chances are I will bury my husband and die without a mate by my side. I would like to get as much time as possible with him before that happens, not be a middle-aged widow with no one to enjoy old age with.

I'm not against age gap relationships in theory. I can't even say for certain that if I'd met a man I really liked who was 10-20 years older than me, I wouldn't have dated him. But on paper there's nothing about it that appeals to me or seems better than an agemate relationship, for me personally. If other people feel differently I'm happy for them.

damaskrose · 2019-09-12T00:25:42+00:00

I've met a few older guys I've liked, but I never considered them as real prospects, I'm just too pragmatic for that.

Nodoxxintoxin · 2019-09-11T22:32:07+00:00

Median age of marriage is now 27 for women and 29 for men. The marriage gap for first marriage has stayed right around 2 years for practically a century. Back in 1910, it hit a whopping 4 years. Your “previous thought ideal” has no basis in fact.https://www2.census.gov/programs-surveys/demo/tables/families/time-series/marital/ms2.xls

kandyapplez · 2019-09-12T00:55:08+00:00

Why would a high-value girl not break-up with a guy slogging for years trying to find success? (Assuming she can marry older, directly into an UMC+ lifestyle)

i'm curious as to what you think the lifestyle of UMC men in their early mid 20s is like. they are not "slogging trying to find success." those guys would be my male equivalents, and they for the most part all slid right into the early stages of successful careers immediately after college. so yeah i'd be completely fine dating a guy on that trajectory.

also, like, we have dads. lol. the girls i know all get some form of parental support on top of their own earnings. i don't need a dad substitute.

Findingthur · 2019-09-11T22:36:47+00:00

I already have a Daddy. Why would I marry one?

PennnyLame · 2019-09-11T21:55:15+00:00

I paired off with a 23 year old when I was 21. I liked being at the same stage in my life as my partner. I liked growing together and being broke in the city together and staying out all night and figuring out how to pay rent and all that. Those were the foundational years and I wouldn’t trade them.

I like that we figured out how to build a home together. Neither of us were rigid and stuck in our ways, I didn’t have to bend to his will or he to mine.

Wasn’t attracted and had no interaction with them. My parents and other trusted adults in my life told me from a young age that older men were predators- I would have RUN from a guy 15 years my senior.
I guess? I didn’t want to be a fixture in someone’s life, I wanted to build a life with them.
Nah. My husband had more experience than me anyway!
Marriage isn’t just about money.
Any man can question himself or get too big for his britches. You try to marry for character but anything in life is a risk. I have to believe the last 14 years matter to my husband- he says they do and he behaves as such.

goatismycopilot · 2019-09-11T22:48:12+00:00

Most older men are attracted to younger women but a smaller portion of younger women are attracted to older men. A majority of 18 year old women are simply not attracted to 40 year old men. Of course there are exceptions. A much older man might not have the energy for babies, plus if an 18 year old woman married and reproduces with a 40 year old man she could while she is still young be saddled with some guy whose diapers she is changing. Much older men do not necessarily always have money and he might already have children she has to contend with or be forced to step parent.

I would say that many women of marrying and reproductive age are attracted to men a few years older but not several.

QueenCousland86 · 2019-09-11T23:49:05+00:00

Because when I was in late highschool and college, every man significantly older than me who hit on me wanted a pet, not a partner. "Look at my cute little girlfriend, isn't she precious? Now go sit at the kid's table while the adults talk." Fuckin' gross.

[deleted] · 2019-09-12T01:06:13+00:00

I married a guy only two years older than me. We got to experience our youth together. We went through all major milestones together. Neither of us had ever lived with someone else, had an apartment before, etc. We met in our early twenties.

We built a life together. He wasn't the only one 'slogging for years.' I was too. Men aren't put on this earth to pay for/provide for women. Me and him are in this together. He's not an ATM with a dick, he's a human being. How much money he makes or doesn't make is irrelevant.

It's not transactional. I'm not looking around for better options, because he is the best option for me.

I had a few creepy older dudes with money try to get with me in my youth. I was never into older guys. Surprising everybody in my life, I never had that whole "daddy issues" thing. I never met my real dad, so that's probably just dumb luck. Older guys never appealed to me, even when they had money. I wanted someone on the same level as me. I wanted to build a life together. I wanted a partner and best friend, and good friends are usually around the same age.

It's just sort of gross to think of such intimate relationships as transactional. I couldn't leave him because our bond is too strong. "For better or worse." I'm not fair weather over here.

_anothergumnut_ · 2019-09-12T05:49:40+00:00

I dated people close in age to me because that's who I interacted with and who I found attractive. When I was 18, 30 year olds looked old and boring to me. I had nothing in common with them and would much rather smoke weed on the beach with the cute skater than listen to some old dude talk about his job. Young girls aren't thinking about provisioning, why would they prioritise that in dating?

FlavFal · 2019-09-11T21:29:26+00:00

Explain the preference to marry same-age

That rock solid dick and stamina to fuck all day.

NaturalQueer · 2019-09-11T21:41:03+00:00

I did look for older, I actually found that I was unhappy with guys closer to my age. So I ended up marring a guy seven years older than me. I am 25 and he is 32 we wanted the same things out of life.

For your question it's probably a mix of things some of what you have said. - they may not be attracted to older. - they maybe wanting marriage but other thing might not line up (parties, travel, kids) - maybe they met young and while they could date a more successful older guy they love the man they are with. I think people tend to have limits like x amount older and x amount younger based on the idea of what they find appropriate, attractive and makes sense for their life.

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-09-11T21:56:54+00:00

It’s just attraction. As I’ve gotten older, my attraction to younger guys has waned. The college kids I see out and about look like they’re in Jr High - it feels creepy and gross to think of them as sexual beings

My personal sweet spot is 3 years older than me - we’re culturally and generationally the same, we care about the same things, we have a lot in common. This is also the age group that I find most physically attractive

I’ve been casually dating a 50 year old guy, (an exception to my “don’t find guys outside of 3 years of my age attractive” instinct), but there are some challenges that come with his age. Everything from him needing me to read certain things on a menu for him (if he doesn’t have his reading glasses) to health concerns, to us having had very different experiences growing up. It can be very jarring

jalapenopancakes · 2019-09-12T01:27:35+00:00

Most of my experiences were with older men who were fucking messes. There’s a reason they were going for younger, and it was because women my senior were smart and not putting up with their behavior.

My ex was 6 years older than me and honestly a barnacle had better manners and empathy. I didn’t realize this until I hit 27 years old, when I finally wisened up and left him.

Although, I only found older men attractive when I was 20-24 (and stupid). Once I hit 27-30, men my age were much more attractive since they had finally matured. My husband is 1.5 years older than me.

findingfemininity · 2019-09-11T21:38:57+00:00

Is it internal attraction (too old) or external social expectations (avoid gold-digger accusations)?

Old men aren't physically attractive, may have different relationship timelines, and if we're talking providership capabilities most men plateau around their early 30s. If look at this this graph of income by age levels, all but the top 1% of earners stabilize by 30. So a woman trying to optimize for sexual attractiveness, similar timelines and ability to provide would be better off dating just a few years older.

Is it that you want to lock your value in early so you have 50-50 equity in the marriage?

Idk what this means

Is it that you want purity in a husband who hasn't cashed in on his higher SMV with CC riders?

No woman cares about purity except for the very religious people and conservative immigrants, and their SMP is pretty different from the rest of population.

Why would a high-value girl not break-up with a guy slogging for years trying to find success? (Assuming she can marry older, directly into an UMC+ lifestyle)

High value women already do this?? They just go for HV men around the same age

What if the guy feels inadequate, questioning whether he even deserves to be with her? Or the opposite, after he's found success and thinks he can "do better" now?

I don't see what this has to do with same-age preference.

Ofourkind · 2019-09-11T22:31:00+00:00

Is it internal attraction (too old) or external social expectations (avoid gold-digger accusations)?

I have just always been drawn to boys and men close my my own age. There have been some exceptions on both ends, but my ideal is always my age or thereabouts. I want to have things in common with my partner.

Is it that you want to lock your value in early so you have 50-50 equity in the marriage?

Lol what? Who thinks like this? Unless some 18 year old is dating the crypt keeper, I guess.

Is it that you want purity in a husband (hasn't cashed in on his higher SMV with CC riders)?

Lol. No.

Why would a high-value girl not break-up with a guy slogging for years trying to find success? (Assuming she can marry older, directly into an UMC+ lifestyle)

Young women don't want daddies, they want boyfriends. They want to go to parties and shows, share new experiences together, make out in the car, etc. Very few 20 year olds are looking to settle down in the suburbs and have a couple of kids, a reliable car, a starter home and good health insurance. They want to have fun.

What if the guy feels inadequate, questioning whether he even deserves to be with her? Or the opposite, after he's found success and thinks he can "do better" now?

So what if he does? That's always a possibility no matter who you're dating.

[deleted] · 2019-09-11T22:49:22+00:00

I married a guy four years older than me because I was (am) attracted to him and, as u/texastentialism said, I wanted to build a life with my husband and not be an accoutrement added to somebody’s pre-existing life. I had no use for 40-something men when I was in my early twenties, in spite of the fact that some of them pursued me fairly aggressively.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-09-11T22:09:03+00:00

When I was dating in my "peak" years I always preferred men my age or slightly older (1-2 years) because we had more in common. Younger guys were in a different place than I was maturity level-wise and older guys were, well, old. My partner currently is 7 years older than I am, and the oldest age gap I've had. Even now every once in a while I wonder if it's too much of an age gap, since he'll be retired while I'm still working, but the relationship has enough benefits that it's a risk I'm willing to take.

sublimemongrel · 2019-09-12T01:01:10+00:00

Less attraction to older dudes, for sure

Bekiala · 2019-09-12T01:59:09+00:00

The scariest thing about being a guy over 30 (maybe even beginning in the late 20s) is the certain knowledge we have nothing to offer a woman (of any age) that an early 20s dude can't do and do better. Especially if money's not an issue or they're already rich.

Not interested in being a dad/uncle figure to an early 20s woman or a peer to a 50 year old cougar where the excitement of being a boytoy is worn off.

ontherailstoday · 2019-09-12T04:20:10+00:00

Old guys are just not as attractive to young women. What women find attractive tends to keep track with their actual age. I mean sure billionaires don't find it hard getting young women at age 60, but don't for a moment tell me that 25 year old model wouldn't have much much rather picked a 25 year old billionaire if one had been going.

Just about any woman of middle years will tell you this, that she looks at movies and tv shows from her youth and finds herself deciding that guys she once thought were haggard and unappealing now don't look too bad, and the young male leads look like babies. For example, when I was 19 I saw this video https://youtu.be/IZr6AE-u2UM of a Rod Stewart song in a music retrospective and oh gack, yuck, foul, he's a wretched old man... ancient... gross... half in the grave already. Now I'm nearing 50... eh in that video he's a baby pretending to be sophisticated, not bad looking but the song still sucks.

Why does that instinctual attraction exist? I don't know. I mean does it date back to the hunter gatherer era or to the neolithic farming revolution? That's one for the people who dig up old bones.

Another thing to be considered is that there are also lot of good rational reasons not to marry an old man. You're less likely to get trapped spending the last of your healthy years caring for an invalid. You're going to have more power in your relationship with a man your own age. A young man is more likely to have the energy to fulfill the hands-on role of father properly and be lively and boisterous with his kids.

sparksjoy · 2019-09-11T22:52:16+00:00

For there are many many reasons but one that just came to mind recently is the fact that I have young parents (both in their 40's).

Maybe the younger your parents are the weirder age gaps seem. Anyone who looks around my parents' age or older are automatically disqualified romantically. I might go to him for hugs and life advice though.

Bekiala · 2019-09-12T02:38:36+00:00

I don't know if my view counts as I am perpetually single and don't expect to change but IF I was in the market, I would be looking for someone who could go the distance. The more a couple have in common, the more likely they are to last. LTRs seem tough enough even without dealing with a cultural difference, religious difference and yes even a huge age difference.

I would be suspect of a 40 year old who went after a 25 year old. Why isn't he mature enough to get along with women his age? Is there some problem in his life that has halted his maturation? Is he that shallow that all he wants is youthful arm candy? Sure he might be able to gild a cage for me but it would still be a cage if he had any of the problems I listed above.

Maybe OP knows of young women who have been happy doing this. I don't . . . .although now that I think about it I don't know anyone who has done this kind of thing. I know it is done and even young guys will marry rich older women but it seems relatively rare.

Jathrowaway97 · 2019-09-12T02:47:08+00:00

It’s a combination of things. 1) the judgement for dating older men, makes me self conscious personally. 2) dating older doesn’t mean you’ll escape the risk of being pumped and dumped. 3) sometimes the age gap is too big to overcome and you can’t relate to each other.

[deleted] · 2019-09-12T16:18:59+00:00

Older men aren't attractive to me. I have mommy issues, not daddy issues. I don't want a man that reminds me of my father. The older a guy is, the less we have in common, the less I can relate to him in a sexual/romantic way. I don't want to deal with someone who's set in their ways, has aching joints, and only wants to talk about their job. I've seen guys as young as 26 or 27 fit this description. I honestly can't register men older than 25 as sexual beings, much less picture them having sex with me.

The interesting thing about women is not all of our dating choices are about sexual attraction. Money isn't sexually attractive, neither is power. A woman marrying older, into a UMC lifestyle is a BUSINESS decision on her end, her romantic and sexual preferences don't have to come into play at all.

87AudreyHorne · 2019-09-12T07:28:29+00:00

I personally did always find older men attractive but not for money or any power imbalance just.. they always seemed more interesting to me and (yes this sounds vain) more intellectually matched. I somehow felt more complimented and excited when I was enjoying a company of an older guy and matching him than some dude my age. Doesnt mean i actually dated many older guys, especially not with significant age difference, but not because I was opposed to it. 7-10 years or so difference, i did experience - there was never a power imbalance though and they were never rich, usually I was in more control if anything.

I also do find older faces attractive. Female and Male. Also seem more.interesting although of course some people just age really badly.

But then some of the people I find interesting others my age would find really boring i guess. I am all about long talks about stuff we learned and know.

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Dora_Bowl · 2019-09-11T22:16:07+00:00

I am going to guess it has to do with general proximity; you are more likely to be around people your own age, more likely to have similar interests etc.

flamingoinghome · 2019-09-11T23:44:17+00:00

I'm actually most attracted to late 20s-early 30s guys; always have been. But my issue with an age gap (>10) is that I don't want to watch my husband grow frail while I'm still healthy. I don't want to stare down the face of a long widowhood.

Incidentally, most of the rich people I know were born rich; they'll get into high-paying jobs, sure, but they've always been rich and always will be.

Finally, your last 2 points have a reeeeaaaallll easy fix from a woman's perspective, one that's becoming increasingly popular: just....don't marry young.

poppy_blu · 2019-09-12T00:02:45+00:00

Compatibility. We’re at a similar stage in life, had the same world events and cultural references shape our upbringing and views, and we will likely experience a lot of the same firsts together. And honestly, he isn’t aging a lot faster than me.

It matters less as you get older though. If I were single tomorrow and had to use a dating site, if I didn’t slit my wrists first, I’d probably make my age range 40-55. If I met mid 50s guy who took care of himself and was still active, I’d be down. In my early 20s, outside of one or two short lived curiosity flings with older men (mostly because they had the money for fun dates guys my age didn’t always have), I wouldn’t have dated more than a couple of years older.

AggravatingTartlet · 2019-09-12T00:20:51+00:00

My husband is quite a few years younger. I didn't choose him because of his age and actually had no idea he was younger when I met him.

Younger men are increasingly becoming common in relationships. Year by year, it's changing.

I think the 'same age' thing is due to pressure on women to be the best-looking one in the relationship, and they worry a man will leave them if he doesn't consider them beautiful. Therefore women don't choose younger guys because of that pressure, but they'll choose the 'youngest' men that they feel that they can (men who are the same age or just two or three years older).

Also, women want a man they can talk to and relate to--not someone who is remotely childish. And someone who can provide during the times she is raising babies.

Those things - her own beauty, his beauty, his maturity, his capacity to provide for their children - all factor into the age of the man that women choose. And men that are 1-3 years older fit within the framework of these.

lilacluna548 · 2019-09-12T07:22:01+00:00

It's internal attraction. Older men typically aren't attractive to me, physically or otherwise. We're in different life stages and probably wouldn't have much in common. And yeah, I do like lower n-counts. I didnt mind staying single for a while til I found what I wanted. Wealth just isn't something I care much about.

Epoch789 · 2019-09-12T22:29:57+00:00

That thread shows a strong preference for same age because outspoken supporters of same age partnership were feeling conversational. A selective sample doesn’t mean if you shift to a different group of women that you won’t find the preference for age difference. It’s literally just sampling.

I myself ended up preferring an age gap similar to what you described because same aged men were too much into weed-and-chill, not masculine enough physically, or too creepy/clingy/not emotionally put together. It had nothing to do with wealth however my culture of origin would absolutely vouch for an age gap for provisioning purposes.

Title	Q4W: Explain the preference to marry same-age
Author	lelease
Upvotes	6
Comments	151
Date	September 11, 2019 9:22 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/d2x8r5/q4w_explain_the_preference_to_marry_sameage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-explain-the-preference-to-marry-same-age.253948 https://theredarchive.com/post/253948

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