Q4W: What are nice guys missing

januaryphilosopher · 2022-10-18T08:04:46+00:00

Well, any other traits. Niceness by itself isn't going to make you hot on its own, just like anything else. You could be nice and boring, nice and too shy to meet anyone, nice and just not someone's type. And of course, nobody is completely nice all the time, and many only think they're nice.

HTML_Novice · 2022-10-18T08:44:47+00:00

I'll speak as someone who had a fair amount of casual sex: looks and personality/behaviors. At the basest, more primal level, those two things define sexual attraction.

Job, clothes, skills, etc. tend to be tertiary and onward. They're not unimportant, but they're unlikely to compensate enough to make up for a truly detrimental appearance and personality combo.

Teacup000 · 2022-10-18T19:46:35+00:00

Playfulness.

I love how kind my husband is. It's one of my favorite things about him. But it's his sense of humor and how he teases me that really gets me excited.

AGalWithThoughts · 2022-10-18T07:42:58+00:00

Men don't understand that a lack of confidence is a boner killer for women.

I knew a really "nice guy" when I was single. We went on a couple dates but he was too meek and the spark wasn't there. We remained friends after but he was just too weak, soft, passive, effeminate, that even if I WANTED to be attracted to him, he was like a big, doughy, sweet, kind-hearted friend, like Baymax. I couldn't think of him even remotely sexually.

Men HAVE to be confident and strong for the majority of women to be attracted. I'm not talking physically strong (though, yes, that too) but have a presence and strength of character to be masculine. Even "quiet" masculinity is fine. You don't have to be toxic to be masculine, either.

I can look past looks, height, weight, and all that. But I cannot be the man in the relationship.

2022-10-18T13:31:11+00:00

Jawline

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-10-18T13:57:53+00:00

Being nice is really sort of a basic requirement, if that's all someone brings to the table, not exactly compelling.

Are they also: intelligent, witty, funny, are they passionate about something, do they have ambition, do their values match mine, do they get along with my friends, do they have hobbies do they have friends?

There has to be more than nice.

AquaChip · 2022-10-18T14:54:38+00:00

A backbone. The vast majority of women aren’t attracted to awkward shyness, meekness, effeminate behavior like men are. For some reason men here find it hard or impossible to be kind, confident and masculine.

a_popful_mail · 2022-10-18T09:15:40+00:00

I think something a lot of people undersell is niceness itself. Sure its just one thing among many that one needs to have, but its one that matters a lot. Especially if you're aiming to date seriously. But I don't think people think a lot about the fact that niceness, kindness, means something very different to different people. What's acceptable, what's too much, too little, what meshes and doesn't. People always see themselves as nice, but that nice doesn't always mesh with everyone or comes with a lot of extra points that work against it really being able to shine through, like a lack of authenticity or simply just expressing it in ways that just don't work with certain crowds of people.

Like say.. consider how different one may perceive the perception of how you open the door for a random stranger, if at all. A lot will colour their perception of that. Who you held it for, how you did it, if you said anything, so on. Or say lets look at if you ran into a stranger who is openly gay with a gal at your side you are taking for a date. You both know he is gay. You smile his way and say hello to him and remember he and you share a class so you see if he wants to maybe study some time for a test together. To the gay, say she's left wing and so on, will either view this as a good sociability and a niceness she can respect or she'll note that you are nice to minority group without issue or anything. She'll like that. Say she's a religious Baptist church type woman. Do that and she will think you're the devil. She'll not see this as niceness and sociability but as being a horrible person supporting something awful.

That's a drastic example but another might be how one comforts someone else for example. The types of words they say, their actions and limits in how they behave. Like asking to touch someone before you do is seen as nice to one person and weird to another.

DeepFriedhentaiMemes · 2022-10-18T09:39:32+00:00

Two things for me. Being nice to someone doesn’t entitle you to sex. Charisma and confidence are enough for me to go on a date with you.

The9thElement · 2022-10-18T10:50:30+00:00

Looks, confidence

pinktuliplover · 2022-10-18T11:48:45+00:00

He probably lacks confidence, assertiveness, and leadership skills. He could also be uninteresting or there is just no chemistry.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-10-18T14:00:12+00:00

He’s boring, short answer

When I was younger I met what should have been a high value guy, he was tall, naturally good looking, came from a wealthy background, played the villain, was intelligent and did very well at school, but Christ almighty he was boring as fuck. He just had no banter, no sense of humour, he followed me around like a lap dog just agreeing with everything I said or just laughed at my jokes. I had felt bad as all our friends tried to set us up and I knew he liked me so I thought I should give him a chance, but there was no chemistry for me at least. I broke it off after a couple of days as it was wrong to lead him on further. He was a genuinely nice guy and I wish him all the best but he just didn’t have that spark

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-10-18T14:45:16+00:00

It’s not enough to be nice. My co-workers are nice. The cashiers at the grocery store are nice. Nice is just basic politeness. You also need to be interesting.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2022-10-18T09:24:32+00:00

Literally everything else besides being "nice". And 90% of the time men who pride themselves on their niceness don't even have that going for them.

Take my BF for example. He is quite literally one of the sweetest human beings I have ever met and admittedly, that is a large part of the reason I was drawn to him. If you ask him he's not perfect by any stretch and he often feels like he's not doing enough. There are moments I just want to pin him down and get it through his cute stubborn skull that he's already doing too much and he needs to think about himself more.

That said, his kindness alone would not have sparked any romantic interest. Cute little old people are nice, that has not made me magically sexually attracted to them. I am still (mostly) straight despite running into nice women all of the time.

It was a combination of that, physical attraction, common interests, and compatible views/lifestyles.

CimZim · 2022-10-18T12:12:16+00:00

They pedestalize women. They become so "nice" that they don't see us as fellow humans, but rather slightly better than human. They're the kind of guy who, upon finding out you have a different opinion than him, will become wishy-washy about his own stance. He'll attempt to rephrase it in a way that compromises his beliefs so they're more in line with your own. Like an ultimate yes-man.

It's extremely unattractive when a man views you as so mentally delicate and emotionally weak that he thinks you'll become upset upon finding out gasp not everyone thinks the same things! As if he needs to protect you from new ideas and healthy debate. Nice guys like this are like the husband and doctor from The Yellow Wallpaper, so intent on letting us leave any mental heavy lifting to them that we slowly go crazy from lack of stimulating conversation.

DXBrigade · 2022-10-18T13:39:43+00:00

Physical attractiveness and social skills.

bunnakay · 2022-10-18T14:14:53+00:00

They're only nice because they expect something for it

pokemin49 · 2022-10-18T22:34:57+00:00

Nothing. It's women who are missing some fundamental qualities of humanity within themselves.

vlad0_ge0rgijevv · 2022-10-18T23:31:21+00:00

Ive been hit on couple of times by girls, never took action tho because I didnt give a shit about women (not in degrading sense, just didnt care about dating). I am not a tall guy, 5ft8 and chubby, however with a good face. What worked then and what I am trying to return back to is just not giving a shit. Like, focus on building my body, interests and being okay with myself. Thats what happend back then. I was okay and happy and even though I wasnt exactly Henry Cavill, girls were interested. Also, demonstrate humor,charisma,ambition and being in control.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2022-10-18T15:01:11+00:00

An edge. They possess zero excitement/adrenaline/danger, and they can't inspire it in others.

I fell in love with my husband when he took me on a B&E of a rival frat house.

Novadina · 2022-10-18T07:47:05+00:00

It depends on the guy. Niceness is just one trait, most people connect on much more than just that.

who is struggling to date and frustrated seeing toxic guys who are far worse human beings than him succeed in dating while he is isn’t

Unfortunately the world doesn’t work so good humans fare better than bad ones in pretty much anything. Good people can still die young, get sick, be poor, suffer through terrible things, or be unlucky in love. No matter how good you are you will still find worse humans getting more of something you want than you. But if you look further, you can find good ones getting more too, because a lot of it is chance. And some is just that the people willing to use unethical means (is a worse person) to get what they want will have more since it can be effective.

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MistyMaisel · 2022-10-18T17:35:57+00:00

They don't seem to like internalize that women can be screwed up too and are seeking toxic behavior that to them is normalized due to some sort of life experience in their past (typically childhood). The pertinent thing here being that by being a genuinely decent (nice) dude, you're going to turn off a lot of women who aren't looking for that for whatever reasons (typically childhood trauma). Put in fishing terms, you can't catch that kind of fish with this kind of bait. And a lot of nice fellas are unknowingly trying to catch this kind of fish.
They give off no sexual or erotic vibes. Quintessentially, they have no idea what is sexy to women and/or don't know how to project/highlight that stuff. And it doesn't matter how good a guy you are, you will lose to the bad guys who know how to turn the heat up if you don't have any clue how to put some heat on.
Unlike the trauma example, sometimes they really just aren't what that woman wants. They're a great person and good-looking, but something in the stars just isn't aligning and they aren't the Oscar Meyer Wiener this Ketchup wants to be on.
They're have lots of baggage, and I don't mean in the like nice guy or doormat way. They're just obviously toting a u-haul of problems and most women aren't going to want to unpack that sucker.
Nice is a baseline, but it isn't a reason to date anyone (goes for both genders). I didn't fall in love with my boyfriend because he's super nice (he is). I fell for him because he's hysterically make me cry funny, a leader who took care of people around him that didn't really deserve his kindness, had fascinating hobbies and life stories, oozed charisma, excellent cat, was great at flirting, and always made me feel protected.

waffleznstuff30 · 2022-10-18T17:45:22+00:00

A lot of things.

"Nice" is like the bare minimum. Everyone is nice. It comes standard. And most of the time the nice guy is just that they lean into how nice they are. It's like going out with someone and saying I'm potty trained and expecting sex or a relationship as a reward. Like everyone is capable of being a decent human.

When your whole MO is just I'm nice it's not getting anyone anywhere. Are you nice and good looking? Are you really nice and kind and have a bunch of friends and people who speak highly about you and how kind you are and your actions reflect that. Are you funny as hell and also a genuinely good person. Everyone is nice on a superficial level and it's not a good way to weed others out. There needs to be an and in there and that and should be the more developed quality.

We genuinely do like nice guys. Even the scummiest worst sleaziest f-boy will come off as nice. And they catch women off guard once that behavior pattern changes and they do scummy crap. Abusers/Narcs come off as nice they lovebomb and shower their person in affection and niceness then change their behavior.

anon018274031 · 2022-10-18T20:48:53+00:00

Nice is the absolutely minimum… making nice your personality and only selling point is what’s wrong

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-10-19T00:02:05+00:00

The better guy has the best pitch, honey. Read my posts/2 cents here and here. I break down the "nice guy" from my POV, why he loses against competitors and how to reduce his losses.

Title	Q4W: What are nice guys missing
Author	gastongang
Upvotes	19
Comments	102
Date	October 18, 2022 7:35 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/y704oq/q4w_what_are_nice_guys_missing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-what-are-nice-guys-missing.1135953 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135953

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