Redflags that someone will be abusive?

AngeCruelle · 2024-02-18T04:06:33+00:00

Pay attention to the way your SO/date/whatever jokes. A lot of people like to hide behind "just a joke" and just as many are all too willing to blindly accept that explanation when they're wearing love goggles. I have yet to meet a woman whose relationship with the "I just have an edgy sense of humor" guy ended well. And yes in one case it became abusive.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-02-18T04:31:09+00:00

Love bombing. Showering you with too much positive attention, gifts, words of praise, rushing to say they love you, want to marry you, have a life with you, etc.

Especially when they one day turn cold, uncaring, distant, angry, explosive, or violent. If that happens, even once, get away. Get out. It will escalate.

aslfingerspell · 2024-02-18T05:11:39+00:00

Male SA victim here; male on male, adult on adult. Long story short I got desperate and wanted to experiment, went on one date with a man and was threatened/pressured into doing stuff I didn't want.

While it's "Never the victim's fault.", I still have a responsibility to look out for my own safety, and I will admit that I ignored or excused red flags, and that I could have fully avoided it. Metaphorically, it's still their fault for trying to hit me with their car, but at the same time I could have dodged them if I'd looked both ways before crossing. With that out of the way, the red flags I saw were:

Not caring about consent. Anyone who can't learn the rules first does not deserve to play the game. A good partner is interested in your pleasure and should be just as eager to know what you don't like as getting their own needs met. My abuser made a show of caring about consent, but would ultimately get angry and threaten or dismiss me any time I actually tried to tell them "No."
Someone who clearly lacks knowledge of your subculture or community. "A true dom doesn't care about the sub's limits." and "As a dom I'd just take you." That's not BDSM. That's just called rape, buddy. Even extreme and controversial forms of play like "consensual nonconsent", 24/7 dynamics, "free use", and "total power exchange" are still supposed to be the result of negotiation and within the limits of what both partners want.
Imposing labels or emphasizing identities too quickly. This is basically about consent but more specific to how they talk about you and themselves. Relationship dynamics are a thing that needs to be agreed and consented to and not just assumed, especially if they try to imply some kind of exclusivity or power over you. You are not "theirs" unless you want it. They are not your "dom" unless you say so. Going on a single date does not make you someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. In my case I was looking for something kinky, and it was really uncomfortable to just hear "As a dom I'd just take you" or "I'm a dom so..."
Being way too horny and escalating too quickly. Even when looking for casual play or sex, we're still supposed to be adults who can calm down and plan things out maturely. My date would repeatedly fail to answer basic questions like what times they would be available. They were far more concerned with demanding I send pictures of my underwear to them, which I refused. Again, this is in the context of me trying to plan a simple dinner date. Once the date started, they were obsessed with trying to find loopholes around the fact that I didn't want to have anal sex, like asking if it was okay if they rubbed their penis between my buttcheeks "like a hot dog", and then saying they'd thrust their penis inside me anyway when I told them was also unacceptable.
Not asserting their own limits. Real partners have limits, schedules, jobs, families, etc. Healthy, ethical people will have days when they're not in the mood or busy. Honest partners will not share every fetish or be open to any kink. Real people will disappoint you. On the other hand, sexual predators may try to appeal to your fantasy too much, try too hard to validate your sexuality, and seem "OpEn To EvErYtHiG". Or they might assert a BS non-limit like "No scat or needles": yeah, nobody else likes that outside of dedicated scat or needle fetishists.
Being way outside of your preferences. No partner is perfect, and almost everyone "settles" or compromises to some extent, but there are times when you must ask yourself if this is truly what you want. Do you really love them, or are you just scared of being lonely, or running out of time, or emotionally/financially desperate for support? I'm open to dating a man if everything else about the person lined up, but yeah, I'm 90% straight and wouldn't have been going on a date with an unattractive and creepy man twice my age unless my head was in a dark place.
Escalating inorganically. If you go on a date with someone, get along well, agree to go to their apartment, and then they ask you for sex, that's a natural course of events. If you agree to go on a simple dinner date, nervously refuse their probing questions about anal sex, and now they start demanding you show them your underwear in the restaurant bathroom, then yeah, you're in a bad place.
Insecurity, possessiveness, passive aggression, general immaturity, etc. This is not high school anymore. Nervousness and social awkwardness is okay, but my date was paranoid about me flaking on them, constantly saying that I "better show up" and would try to guilt trip me into sending pictures of myself because they'd sent me unsolicited pictures of themselves first. They'd half-hearedly apologize ("Fine, wasn't trying to piss you off.") after I refusdd to do what they wantd. They would say stuff like "guess you're not interested" if I took more than a few minutes to respond. Their need for validation was so great they even texted me to ask if I hated them after they had kidnapped, robbed, and raped me.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-02-18T03:53:32+00:00

I’ve never been physically abused, but I’ve been stalked and emotionally abused by two men who wouldn’t leave when I broke up. Property damage, twice.

Now I know that constant checking, like calling and messaging on every platform, double texting, and showing up unannounced and uninvited are controlling behaviors of entitled people and I leave and block at the earliest sign. As far as I can tell, I dodged two bullets in the past year by leaving before they became too attached..

I should have spent more time with my last boyfriend’s family, who became dependent and stopped taking initiative or taking care of himself as soon as we were comfortable. His relationship with his mother is likely to blame, she treats them in her family as helpless and forgetful, and her daughters as scullery maids. He was accustomed to doing nothing but going to work then being waited on and served. I’m pretty sure some of us repeat family dynamics out of rote or comfort and many have no plans to grow.

Gravel_Roads · 2024-02-18T06:01:42+00:00

Telling you how YOU feel (or should feel.) Usually used to convince you to either like something you didn’t or to convince you NOT to like something you otherwise would have.

Basilbabe12 · 2024-02-18T06:45:51+00:00

I think the number one red flag is how they treat people in positions beneath them (waitresses, cashiers, etc) or animals.

If they treat them poorly, it really reflects on their character.

OpticalEpilepsy · 2024-02-18T04:37:27+00:00

If no matter what you say they always have to disagree with/oppose/negate/invalidate what you said in some way
When you disagree with them even slightly it ruins their day and they keep bringing it up weeks later like you stole from them or something equally inexcusable
They only want to interact with you if you do a chore of some sorts for them
They ruthlessly strawman their political opponents and politicize everything.
You can do it their way 10 times in a row but when you try to do it your way on the 11th time they say "We always do it your way" and get pouty like a spoiled child
They try to use some justification for how you having to sacrifice more time/money or endure more inconvenience is actually "fair"

There's probably more but those are major ones to look out for

spanglesandbambi · 2024-02-18T04:44:15+00:00

Understanding the cycle of abuse and the impact of high adverse childhood experiences.

I saw high levels of abuse and disruption. Thus, what was "normal" for me was of balance.

My abuser knew my family, and I thought that meant I didn't have to explain things, and he was understanding. However, he knew I would be an easy target.

He never punched me (until the end), always pushed or knocked into me, pinched or pulled hair. He knew I was aware of what "standard" abuse looked like, so he changed his approach. With clothes, it was never you should wear this because insert bad reason but rather you would look so pretty in X.

Know abusers are clever, and they pick victims well. If you feel you might be, let's say harder to love, and someone seems very keen on you. Treat it with a healthy dose of suspicion.

AnonPinkLady · 2024-02-18T08:12:03+00:00

I’m going to go against the grain and mention a much less obvious but super important thing we should all look for. Someone being waaaaaay too nice and affectionate way too fast. Like they barely know you and they’re spending way too much money on you, everything you like they suddenly like too, like theyre just constantly looking for things you’re drawn to and trying to overwhelm you with them. Love bombing not only suggests the person is potentially an abuser but they’re the smart type, the type that manipulates you and plays the long con.

Planthoe30 · 2024-02-18T06:17:32+00:00

When I was in college there was an apartment room full of guys under me and one of them started hanging around my roommates a lot then it became obvious he was interested in me. He would come over uninvited everyday and hang out with my roommates until I got home then use that as an excuse to hang out with me. I started seeing him around campus along the routes I was walking and he would come talk to me and walk me to my class, didn’t think much of it because I figured he was on his way to his classes. I found out much later he never went to his classes and was on academic probation so he was on campus looking for me. So he lied about being in college. My roommates loved him, my guy friends loved him and he was well liked in his friend group. Well anyways we started dating and he spent the night at my apartment, then never left. It got to be about a week.. So at that point I had to kick him out because we never had a discussion about him moving in. He became very irritated blaming me kicking him out on my roommates which was only part of the equation and called my roommates out of their names but since he was venting to me behind their backs I didn’t think this would be an issue. Well he started treating one of my roommates in particular like crap and being petty whenever he got the chance after I kicked him out. I intervened, and everything went back to “normal.” I don’t want to get into more details or specifics but our relationship progressively got worse, then nightmarish and I started to feel unsafe everywhere because of our living situation of him living under me and because of him walking me to my classes he knew where I was at all times. He also was military trained with a firearm. So I guess the signs I missed were obsession, lying and treating others like shit. Luckily this was at the tail end of college so I started applying for jobs far away and planning where I’d be living. I packed up my stuff while I knew he would be busy as soon as I graduated and moved away. He broke up with me over the phone for moving away and luckily I haven’t heard much from him since. Him breaking up with me gave me so much peace of mind I don’t think it could have worked out any better. He is someone else’s problem now.

thedarkracer · 2024-02-18T08:13:39+00:00

Look how they treat other people, how they treat animals, how are they when they are angry (I purposely get people angry sometimes), how are they when it comes to money, go on a trip with them for a week and see their behaviour, how they treat their exes (if they have some and too many exes is itself a red flag for any gender), their social circle and family, etc.

I could go on and on but my favourite one is called "makhan lgana" in hindi. It means heaping too much praise and usually with an intent of getting something. If someone is praising you too much, back off. I trust people who hate me on my face much more than the "makhan lgana" people. Atleast the critics are truthful.

bluepvtstorm · 2024-02-18T16:39:46+00:00

Yucking someone else’s Yums. People are allowed to have hobbies and when someone you are dating makes fun of or degrades your hobbies. It can go very wrong.

Legitimate_Type_1324 · 2024-02-18T06:25:08+00:00

Their infallible one: childhood trauma.

My ex wife grew up with an absent, often abusive father. Her stories were horrendous. I brushed them up and thought she had managed to process and grow. Nope. I had to leave her.

My brother's ex wife, same. Absent mother, brother with intellectual disability, Okaish father that didn't do much. She had to raise her own brother. My brother left her when she threw a heavy vase at him.

What these women had in common: an obsession with living their lives in a very specific way, just like they dreamed when suffering as kids. Would lose their shit if life wasn't going according to plan. These are the women that will emasculate you, withhold sex and turn aggressive because you're not being the man they expected to change you into.

Run.

Biggesttaestan · 2024-02-18T05:13:48+00:00

Literally overreacting and getting mad over the simplest mistake.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-02-18T06:53:32+00:00

If somebody try to "conquer" you. It's a clear sign that they see you as a prize to be put on the shelf.

PerfumedPornoVampire · 2024-02-18T13:15:21+00:00

If they nitpick everything about your appearance from the get go, that is a bad sign.

Within the first month of dating I had an ex who was constantly nagging me about my posture and the pants I wore to work (he didn’t like Bermuda shorts, but those were the only shorts the office I worked for at the time would let me wear in the summer. He took offense to them 🙄). It only got worse, and soon he took an issue with my natural hair texture. If you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase your partner shouldn’t be nagging and nitpicking you!

Mentathiel · 2024-02-18T13:19:44+00:00

Promising things too easily.

blackrainbows723 · 2024-02-18T14:07:59+00:00

Demanding your trust and being offended if you don’t hand it out immediately

Obvious-Produce2720 · 2024-02-18T23:01:00+00:00

Red flag. Tracking your location all the time and going through your phone.

Saw a guy friend start dating a girl, he married her and at his wedding not a single one of his friends showed. Everyone said she was crazy and he should be worried. He didnt listen, she went through his phone everyday, tracked his loctaion and muliple times he spoke his native tongue to his mom she would flip out and demand to know word for word what he said. It was sad. I was one of the last friends to be let go as i was married 25 F, so i was less of a threat till i encouraged him to have guy time, something i encouraged my own husband to do with him, that was a line to fare. Oh well.

Isolating your partner from friends and family is wrong.

MisterFunnyShoes · 2024-02-18T08:28:02+00:00

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Criminal records are publicly available online.

angelicasinensis · 2024-02-18T05:38:31+00:00

body type is a big flag, guys that are kinda big and buff and "jacked". Guys that like to drink a lot. Guys that get angry a lot and have a big temper. In ayerveda there are three "doshas" or body types, and the "warrior" (think big, muscular guys) are the ones who tend to have anger issues (people are usually a mix of two doshas at the same time, so the guys who are like both the warrior are the ones the most prone to anger issues).

626ajj · 2024-02-18T03:50:11+00:00

Women are more abusive they just go after people who are weaker than them I.e. children. It’s kind of harder for women to abuse men when men can just spank them into submission. Doesn’t mean women are morally better.

jay10033 · 2024-02-18T14:35:14+00:00

They are lesbians. Research shows these are the most abusive couples. It seems women are quite violent.

SIeight_of_Hand · 2024-02-18T10:19:18+00:00

To avoid predatory women, i usually look how they react to a boundary or a simple no. The crazy ones reveal themselves very early on, the clever ones need a but longer, i say 12-15 months until they run out of emotional energy to keep that fasade up.

flipsidetroll · 2024-02-18T06:37:52+00:00

Chaotic home life. A controlling parent. Bullying. And you may think they have got it all together, until one day something snaps, and you see all their fear and anger. It’s pretty scary.

And now a new one that is being put under the microscope, and makes so much sense with all the women haters here, circumcision. It’s so traumatic and now we know how trauma before a certain age can almost guarantee a personality disorder.

NoMoGurus · 2024-02-18T11:15:39+00:00

Not like it matters because women love red flags so they’re not bored and like to see other men get killed with guns.

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Cethlinnstooth · 2024-02-18T05:44:16+00:00

You should be very very careful and do a lot of thinking as soon as anyone seems willing to knowingly harm or distress you or harm something you are clearly invested in, in any way, without willingness to provide an explanation that is reasonable and rings true.

I'm not saying that its always wrong to be doing something that makes your partner a bit anxious... sometimes people do have to not care about causing mild anxiety in each other...but if it's clearly deliberate and no good explanation is offered it's not something to be ignored it is something to be turned over in your mind. You can't just let that pass without analysis.

An example that someone might encounter but wrongly push to the back of their mind once it is over might be...you have your engagement party planned. You and your future spouses mother are doing the party at her place because of cost...you're saving for a house deposit too. You have been putting in a lot of effort and resources to make this as good as it can be.

On the day of the party your intended refuses to wear semiformal or business casual clothes.

You know they quite like their work clothes and boast about their expensive shoes occasionally. Yet they give no reason why they won't wear the best of their work clothes for this event and instead are insisting on their grungiest old clothes that they use when washing their car. You give several good reasons why... we're trying to put a good show on despite the fact we've gone cheap, the photos are forever, you do like your better clothes, this is something we can do to improve things without spending extra money...but nope. Steadfast refusal to budge or even to properly explain, no matter that you are clearly a little distressed and ask but why several times.

You can't ignore then forget an incident like this if you are trying to avoid abusive dynamics. If you go pushing incidents like this to the back of your mind who knows how what they are hiding it explodes later on. You've got a partner on your hands who either does destructive upsetting things without knowing why...or knows very well why and hides it for strategic purposes. Danger danger danger danger ...that engagement should now be in danger.

ComfortableJeans · 2024-02-18T08:41:29+00:00

God damn, going through this thread, literally everything and it's opposite is a sign that someone will abuse you.

GreenTurtle47 · 2024-02-18T13:10:41+00:00

Not sure about red flags for someone who’s “abusive” exactly, but there’s a certain tactic to handle confrontations that I would consider unacceptable and emotionally manipulative, whether intentional or not - that I got experience with in one relationship.

Things that were a fairly big deal, whether it was related to her or how she felt, or something that would probably get a “reaction” or cause distress in our relationship on my end, was almost always kind of snuck into conversations unexpectedly, usually at a much later date than whenever the incident itself actually happened. More specifically, the conversations were never the first thing that came up. It was always after talking for a while, or even towards the end of the night after spending an entire day or afternoon together, like being lulled into a false sense of comfort before the rug gets pulled out from under you.

By the end of the relationship, I was nervous to even see or talk to her on the phone most of the time, in anticipation of either a bombshell revelation followed by a blank stare and “Is something wrong?” or an argument about a problem or situation that bothered her 3 months ago.

If someone does that to you early on, even if it’s something unimportant or there isn’t a long discussion or argument, be wary. Firstly, sliding shit into a mundane conversation makes it easier to downplay/discredit your reaction. Secondly, if someone “saves up” their arguments and then voices their issues months later, it’s like setting someone up for a “Gotcha!” moment, because the context might be that you two haven’t even had an issue for weeks, you’re just spending time with each other and then, bam - you’re put on the spot about some shit you might not have even known was ever a problem to begin with, and they have their whole case premeditated to just steam roll you at 8PM on a Sunday night.

Safinated · 2024-02-18T16:09:12+00:00

Controlling behavior, obviously

lvlupkitten · 2024-02-18T17:25:19+00:00

Only guy I’ve dated was full of red flags, I saw them but I’m an idiot and had never had a boyfriend (I was nearly 19) so I overlooked everything because he ‘seemed nice and truthful’ 😂😂

Former crackhead, spent ~3 years of his life in jail on and off for a laundry list of crimes, insanely religious to a crazy degree, and cheated on his previous girlfriend with me the first time we hooked up. Why did I let this happen? I don’t know and I know it was dumb but I’ll never be letting it happen again lol my standards are a lot higher now than settling for the first guy who asks me on a date.

ETA- he wasn’t physically abusive at any point, but was emotionally abusive. Tried to make me feel insecure at several times by telling me he felt like cheating on me and didn’t want me around, lied to me multiple times and got me pregnant twice as a result then blamed me for having abortions, tried to force my mum and brother and me to go Christian while living under our roof and threatened me with hell when I didn’t fall in line with it, assaulted 2 of my coworkers in front of me after tripping too hard on LSD, and broke up with me 3 times in 6 days (first time being on my birthday), and his only complaints about me were that I like partying too much (I was 6 years younger, what do you expect), that I’m too messy and don’t clean up after myself (yeah that’s something I need to work on but I’m not absolutely filthy, I just do stuff like letting clothes pile up), and that I don’t want kids (not a personal flaw, just a glaring compatibility issue that isn’t resolvable)

hearyoume14 · 2024-02-19T05:17:34+00:00

If every one of their previous partners was a terrible person , according to them, then they either have shitty taste or they’re the problem.

obviousredflag · 2024-02-20T12:32:57+00:00

I see hella red flags with a lot of the girls I talk to these days and luckily I've been able to avoid some crazy people.

Share your red flags and why they lead to abusive behavior and if you have actually experienced it or where your idea comes from, that they have this result.

I never had abusive relationships. I am not prone to fall for absuive people, as i am securely attached with no mental health issues, no trauma and no bad or hard childhood. I avoid people with abusive pasts as this has a good scientific backing to be indicative of increased chance to be abusive.

Tiny_Share6650 · 2024-02-21T00:47:29+00:00

Moving fast. Not having any friends, dirty room for some fuckin reason???? How they treat waiters, how they talk about people they don’t like. How they talk about previous relationships etc

Title	Redflags that someone will be abusive?
Author	LastBlackSamurai99
Upvotes	10
Comments	70
Date	February 18, 2024 3:39 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1atkngj/redflags_that_someone_will_be_abusive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/redflags-that-someone-will-be-abusive.1245707 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245707

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