Should cheaters be automatically dumped?

sarkington · 2022-08-18T19:26:28+00:00

If you want a guarantee you won’t get cheated on again by the same person, yes. You allow the behavior you accept, whether or not it’s your fault, because you cannot control other people

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-08-18T19:34:51+00:00

Yes, if they cheat on you once there's a likelihood that you'll get cheated on again. Because you let them get away with it.

tired_hillbilly · 2022-08-18T19:38:14+00:00

What degree of cheating can be forgiven and in what context?

I don't think this can be predicted. You might think you could forgive X, but then X happens and you find that you actually can't forgive it. You might think you could never forgive Y, but then Y happens and it's not as bad as you thought it'd be.

illegallad · 2022-08-18T19:54:59+00:00

Lmao yes

It is what it is. I’ve been in relationships, I’ve had women try to seduce me to cheat, I’ve been drunk, high, etc when these attempts were made. I’ve been in failing relationships when these attempts were made. I’ve never cheated. There is no excuse. It’s a moral character failing that I could never look past.

Acaciduh · 2022-08-18T19:29:41+00:00

"You women HAVE to stop ending marriages over this” GTFO 😂

Yes you should absolutely leave - if you are dissatisfied work on your shit together or leave and pursue someone who you’re better suited for. There’s no difference for gender. Men love to gaslight it’s in their “nature” or “it’s just sex” fuck that it’s a total break down of trust that can usually never be repaired. I don’t fault people for trying to make it work especially if there are kids involved but it’s pretty rare they end up making it work in the long run.

2022-08-18T19:24:03+00:00

There’s no gender difference, yes cheaters should be dumped in the vast majority of situations.

mrcs84usn · 2022-08-18T20:10:52+00:00

Fresh & Fit is hemorrhaging.

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-08-18T20:00:37+00:00

how can anyone say the universally or for other people? it's up to the person who got cheated on and how they feel

jackedsoon · 2022-08-18T21:23:45+00:00

if u respect urself they should be dumped immediately

EviessVeralan · 2022-08-18T20:36:26+00:00

The only scenario where it might be possible to save a relationship when cheating would be if the guilty party admits to it and seems remorseful. This being said though it's understandable that the party who was cheated on would want to leave. I personally wouldn't give a second chance to a cheater.

The idea that women should just tolerate cheating because "men are different then women" is just an attempt to persuade women to tolerate being mistreated by men.

KombuchaEnema · 2022-08-18T20:20:36+00:00

That’s dependent entirely on several factors.

Is the cheater remorseful? Are they willing to put in genuine hard work to repair themselves and become someone trustworthy?

Is the betrayed partner able to work toward forgiving and trusting their partner again in the future? Are they able to recover from the betrayal trauma (even if it takes a long time)?

Are kids involved? What type of cheating was it (one night stand or long-term affair?)

So on and so forth.

I could forgive my husband for a one night stand if he was remorseful, willing to bust ass to earn back my trust, and able to figure out what part of himself gave him permission to cheat.

I couldn’t forgive a long-term affair or anything emotional. If he developed a bond with the other person, we would be done. I couldn’t move past it even if I wanted to.

ProfessorFelix0812 · 2022-08-18T20:57:17+00:00

Ok ladies, pay attention…

Men cheat for 2 reasons, and 2 reasons only:

1) He’s an otherwise faithful dude, but he’s not getting any at home. His mate rations pussy off like it’s a scarce resource - like she might run out of it, or he loves blow jobs, and she’d rather shave her head with a cheese grater than give one. You get the picture. If this is you, you’re probably going to have this problem with, well, every man you ever date.

Or

2) He’s just a cheater and that’s what he does. There is no cure if your man has the cheating bone. He will always be as faithful to you as his options.

Please don’t shoot the messenger.

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-08-18T21:31:18+00:00

I cannot make a decision for someone else. I would automatically break up with someone who cheated on me if we were in a mutually established exclusive relationship.

There is no difference in whether it's the man or the woman or enby. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I respect that there are levels to cheating and that some may be willing to accept someone back based on their own guidelines.

It takes two people to be in a relationship, once one person has decided to leave/end it, it's over.

2022-08-18T20:14:06+00:00

YES difference.

Typically the motivation for WHY cheating is VERY different.

plum_moon · 2022-08-18T21:40:27+00:00

I stayed in a relationship after being cheated on because I contributed to the dynamic that led to the cheating. I was young and not very emotionally available to, or supportive of, my boyfriend at the time, so he sought attention and support outside of the relationship. The relationship ultimately ended because of this dynamic, but I don't regret my choice to work on it after being cheated on. In fact, I think my efforts in doing so helped me learn to be a better partner in later relationships.

I want to be clear that what he did was still wrong. He should have left, or stayed faithful, or given me an ultimatum. But I don't think it would be helpful for either of us in terms of personal growth to look at it as he was just a mean cheater and I was an innocent victim. He can be totally in the wrong and it can simultaneously be true that I was part of the problem.

I think outside of rape or violence, you can't really ask "should you dump someone automatically for x" because I think you need to look at the situation in context. In most contexts, cheaters should probably be dumped. But sometimes I think it should be a wakeup call for both parties. It's really up to the cheated on person whether or not they want to stay and make it work after.

gofigure62 · 2022-08-18T19:30:53+00:00

People should only dump the other person when they want to leave a relationship.

Cheating isn't an automatic dealbreaker for everyone.

I don't believe that there's a difference between women cheating and men cheating. I do believe that there is a difference between someone cheating in a relationship after they've already been cheated on, I don't think that it "counts" or the person that cheated first should be upset/hurt/etc over the act. If they wanted the door of monogamy closed in the relationship, then they shouldn't have opened it.

Personally, I'd never forgive a cheater. I don't believe that there's any reason to cheat in 2022. Just be open and honest with me. If my partner felt like they wanted to have sex with other people, then they should discuss it with me. Either we open up the relationship and both have sex with people outside of each other, or we go our separate ways.

For other people, it's a matter of personal opinion and personal boundaries. Some people can get cheated on indefinitely and never leave, some people will leave a relationship just if they think their partner is cheating, irrespective of whether or not they have proof. It just depends on the person and what they're willing to put up with and if it's a dealbreaker for them.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-08-19T02:01:24+00:00

He's right and wrong. He's right that most men would have multiple women given the opportunity.

He's wrong because the dude signed up for monogamy by marrying someone, and cheated.

EulenWatcher · 2022-08-18T23:50:04+00:00

Nah, that's bullshit. Men can claim as much as they want that they cheat differently, they still hurt their partners. There's no any difference and the outcome should be the same - separation and divorce.

Sad_Entertainer6312 · 2022-08-18T19:34:29+00:00

Should cheaters be automatically dumped?

Automatically? No in a marriage. If it's just a relationship then yes.

If there is a reason for the cheating that can be worked through and addressed then a married couple should try to work through it. The trust level will likely never be the same, but the love can often be found again.

Is there a difference between men and women cheating in a marriage or relationship?

I'd say yes most of the time. Most men who are happy and satisfied won't cheat, even when presented with the opportunity.

I don't know enough about why women cheat to form an opinion.

What degree of cheating can be forgiven and in what context?

For men if it's just sex, and not a serious emotional attachment, and there was a lack of sex on the marriage then yes, I think it can be forgiven if he cheats.

If a woman cheats on a man emotionally but not sexually then I think it can be worked through. If she cheats sexually and the husband wasn't being sexual with her then it can possibly be worked on. If she cheats sexually when she didn’t express dissatisfaction with her sex life, then no, I don't think most men will be willing to work through it (if they are self confident).

luvs2bNaked · 2022-08-19T07:18:36+00:00

This might trigger some people, and I’d be happy to talk about it, but men and women cheat/show loyalty differently.

Women show loyalty by not having sex with other men.

Men show loyalty by not supporting other women financially/emotionally. Sex is okay.

This might sound like a shock or double standard, but nature has simply built us differently.

Blueexpression · 2022-08-18T21:29:37+00:00

It depends on whether the cheater is a high value man; whether he is good to the wife and kids otherwise; and whether he has disrespected her in any other way.

RinoaRita · 2022-08-18T22:18:00+00:00

Yeah as someone in a poly relationship absolutely. If you want the freedom to pursue other people just own it and get a poly partner. If you’re a guy who wants a mono-poly thing where she stays faithful while you get to sleep around find a cuck Queen who’s into that. Just be up front

The9thElement · 2022-08-18T23:31:36+00:00

Yes

I get cheating if you’re in an abusive relationship or open relationship but thats really it. Men usually cheat even in a perfect relationship because its their nature to want multiple women, women usually cheat because they are not satisfied/fulfilled on the relationship in some way.

Regardless of gender if my partner cheats on me I’m leaving 100%. That is the one thing i will never tolerate, second with abuse.

PhilosopherHistorian · 2022-08-19T04:43:41+00:00

Cheating is one of the VERY few things that should lead to a non-negotiable breakup. Gender is irrelevant.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2022-08-18T19:51:11+00:00

Man or woman if your partner cheats leave them! Do not give second chances. Once a cheater always a cheater. Let the cheaters pair up and hurt each other.

cardiogoblin · 2022-08-18T19:26:16+00:00

I would say so. It communicates 2 things: 1. The person no longer/never did have an interest in remedying the relationship And 2. They are perfectly fine being dishonest with you about a serious issue

literaryhogwartian · 2022-08-18T19:33:30+00:00

No

None

GottaPSoBad · 2022-08-18T20:00:29+00:00

Yes, for one simple reason: Exclusivity is a choice. If you don't want to be exclusive, you can just say that beforehand. Cheating isn't necessary, especially in an age where Ethical Non-Monogamy, consensual cuckolding, and various other things are far more openly discussed. If you cheat in this era, you're arguably an even bigger POS than previous generation's cheaters.

Is there a difference between men and women cheating in a marriage or relationship?

What do you mean by this? Are you asking about a gendered difference or a relationship stage difference?

What degree of cheating can be forgiven and in what context?

None and none, at the risk of sounding too hardline. I rarely go exclusive with women to begin with. If I do go exclusive, I honor that arrangement. If she fails to honor that in return, she can fuck off.

2022-08-18T20:34:24+00:00

Probably. Should you automatically have self esteem?

delight-n-angers · 2022-08-18T21:48:14+00:00

Should cheaters be automatically dumped?

That's up to the victim of the cheating. It's a deeply personal decision and not one that we should really speculate on.

Is there a difference between men and women cheating in a marriage or relationship?

fuck no. cheating is cheating. lying is lying. its always shitty and it's never justified. don't fuckin' do it. Shitty people cheat. don't be shitty.

What degree of cheating can be forgiven and in what context?

Same answer as number 1. That's between the couple, only they can make that decision.

For me personally, my husband had an affair and I forgave him and we stayed together. But it was a very difficult and deeply personal painful decision for both of us.

neetykeeno · 2022-08-18T23:02:02+00:00

Hmmmm. Nah. Cheaters aren't owed even that level of predictability from their victims.

As soon as someone cheats you really don't owe them anything much other than not doing illegal stuff to them. So just get what you want and need. If that's walking the fuck out the door while the cheater is at work, do that. If it is cheating right back, do that. If it is having another kid before you leave because you wanted two and this just makes sense to you, do that. If it is getting them in a situation where them leaving will destroy them financially then going straight out dead bedroom on them while cheating yourself, do that. If it is emotionally blackmailing them to pay off your student loans then you leave do that.

Do whatever you want to a cheater. Except love them.

domdomdom333 · 2022-08-19T08:10:16+00:00

Deciding to stay with a cheater is like having your house broken into and you not taking any actions to prevent it from happening again.

Perfect_Promise_943 · 2022-08-19T03:20:08+00:00

It depends. I am extremely big on consequences. I don’t believe there should be an easy way out of things. That’s why I don’t believe you get pregnant by choosing to have sex you should get an abortion or if you choose to eat like crap and not workout why should the government pay to keep you healthy, if you made wrong choices and you are now unemployed why should the government take care of you… I want to believe in consequences.. that there is good and bad..

However… it would be just mental to forget about human nature of making mistakes. The only thing I believe in is the fact that humankind will screw up. On everything. Relationships are not an exception.

Should that person be punished. Absolutely. How should they be punished? I’m not sure. Maybe no sex until you feel it’s been enough, maybe they can’t hang out around their friends by themselves until you feel comfortable, etc but they should definitely be punished for their infidelity.

Should you break up immediately? Depends. If you catch them… you can be damn sure they would have kept it going.. for perhaps forever. However if they openly come to you.. confess and apologize and realize what they did is wrong.. perhaps forgivable. I say perhaps cause now that we know they are truly sorry since it came completely out of them(assuming no one was blackmailing them or anything).. the question is what did they do? Do they subscribe to an only fans? I would definitely forgive. Did they roleplay or dirty talk through text or call with a random over the internet? I would need to understand what drove them to do this. But most likely will forgive. Full on sexting and sending pics? Assuming that I was not doing my job as the bf and pleasing her sexually…. It’s not an excuse but I can understand feeling desperate and we can talk about it and decide in let’s say a punishment and forgive. Full on kissed someone? Depends. Were you drunk? Sober? Was it after some drastic like your parents dying in a car accident and you went to a bar to drink your pain away and you did something stupid? This is very very much depending on context… gave oral or received oral or allowed sexual touch or complete sex?… I can’t think of a way I’d be okay with this one.. I think this would be my pure limit

Peacesquad · 2022-08-19T03:24:45+00:00

Only if a woman cheats

AutoModerator · 2022-08-18T19:22:58+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

CanYouTieThemInABow · 2022-08-18T20:53:57+00:00

Married with kid. I don't think I could deal with separating my kid from his dad, so I'd stay, even knowing the risk of him doing it again was high. I'd get really neurotic about STDs though I suspect.

I'd be very surprised if my husband cheated though. He's not really the type.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-08-18T21:01:11+00:00

Yes

To me relationship includes trust. Once trust breaks down there is no relationship

2022-08-18T21:05:30+00:00

Vtridolla · 2022-08-18T21:17:09+00:00

Eh it depends on the relationship. The show The Master of None has a good episode about this.

Coolio_Street_Racer · 2022-08-18T21:22:12+00:00

No, I plompise we won't do it again. ;)

social_mule · 2022-08-18T23:01:52+00:00

Severe-Pirate · 2022-08-19T02:12:25+00:00

Yes they should

Lameador · 2022-08-19T09:17:25+00:00

A very poor set of answers. A bunch of keyboard tough (wo)men boasting how tough they are, a bunch of polyamorist promoting their lifestyle, ...

My view is that many relationship can be mended provided:

the "3rd party" completeley leaves the picture (and is never invited again)
the affair staid within the couple (no way it can be repaired if every member of your social circle but you "knew" what was happening).
there was no deep emotional involvement or "secret second life"

I would even say that if your partner got some NSA sex, you should make sure his libido is MORE properly welcomed than it currently is. I blame the low libido partner in a dead bedroom much more than a "frivolous traveler".

sl3epsfortheweak · 2022-08-19T10:49:01+00:00

If you want to do it then yes

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-08-19T11:12:43+00:00

Surely given that everyone sleeps with other people before marriage and doesn't discuss what went on, it's not such a big deal anymore if we sometimes sleep with other people after marriage and don't discuss what went on either, particularly if the bedroom has gone cold and theres nothing but distance being created.

Partners, particularly men, become one dimensional otherwise, as they lose their misteque, their preselection, women lose their fascination with men caged in civilisation.

Proust can change your life:

Q: Are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships?

A: Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit...The threat of losing their partner may lead them to realize that they have not appreciated this person adequately...If someone threatens the relationship, they get jealous, wake up for a moment, have another kiss with the horny tusk, and get bored once more. Condensed into a male heterosexual version, the situation runs like this:

Afraid of losing her, we forget all the others. Sure of keeping her, we compare her with the those others whom at once we prefer to her

DestroGamaDx · 2022-08-19T14:59:27+00:00

Personally if someone cheats on me, I use them strictly for sex and to better my game, the relationship will end on its own as I retreat back into myself. Till then may as well make them actually useful.

bitchesandincelshit · 2022-08-19T15:27:59+00:00

100%. Even if I KNEW into the future that it will NEVER EVER happen again, it already happened once and it’s a non-negotiable deal breaker.

EndHlts · 2022-08-19T16:39:49+00:00

Cheating should always be an immediate breakup. Same with abuse. There's no room for exceptions with either of these.

ChudBuck · 2022-08-19T19:32:39+00:00

JoeRMD77 · 2022-08-20T02:09:35+00:00

Most cheaters date other cheaters, so. You can dump them but they'll find another.

dbz19_kai · 2022-08-20T13:42:39+00:00

It depends on the person and how much they’re willing to forgive

I doubt many people would fault someone for dumping a cheater

BillyBaloney1806 · 2022-08-31T16:02:46+00:00

Yes. Cheaters are pieces of shit and should be dumped, immediately, on the spot. Absolutely zero chance of reconciliation. MAYBE the only exception would be if you're married and there are kids/money involved, Even then, I'm going to try every avenue possible to split in such a manner that is financially feasible and good for the kids before trying for divorce.

Title	Should cheaters be automatically dumped?
Author	mouldysock100
Upvotes	17
Comments	95
Date	August 18, 2022 7:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wrsa0i/should_cheaters_be_automatically_dumped/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/should-cheaters-be-automatically-dumped.1128925 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128925

Comments