I fully believe promiscuity isn’t intrinsically more acceptable and / or consequential based on gender. No one should be shamed for enjoying intimacy or pursuing it, especially since contraceptives and modern medicine mean even the most active person can stay completely healthy.

It is a double standard that promiscuity is considered negative for women more so than for men and how it can even be a point of pride for men but not women. However, it’s one of many differences in expectations and treatment between men and women.

Outside of casual / hook up type connections, relationships typically require men to demonstrate disproportionate initiative or investment of time, effort, and / or money. A man wanting a life partner typically must pursue a woman and it’s widely accepted to filter or evaluate men based on investment from paying for the first date through price of an engagement ring.

No issue with this at all, to be clear, nor any suggestion that promiscuity precludes anyone from setting whatever standards or expectations. Relationships are multifaceted and a partner is important far beyond intimate companionship. However, since physical intimacy is a crucial part of any relationship — a history of many partners that didn’t have to demonstrate this kind of effort can be a reasonable dealbreaker here, no? Even if he has a promiscuous past and it’d be a double standard, isn’t it justified if he accepts the double standard around courtship effort? Isn’t it acceptable that a women expects to be treated on a first date, or looks for chivalry like having doors opened and held? Whether or not you agree, is it that unreasonable that for some, promiscuity is also different for men and women, just like forgetting your wallet would be?

I know this controversial given the history of policing women’s autonomy and enforcing purity. I’m weary I might sound like I’m saying women shouldn’t do abc if they want xyz, etc. I want to be absolutely clear that I’m not suggesting women need to particularly value or accommodate views around promiscuity. Rather, that while this is a double standard, it can’t be discussed in isolation and feels easy to understand in the context of broader gender dynamics.

I went into detail around courtship since I believe it’s important in this context, but I think many other factors are related as well. It’s common to insult a man for lack of experience with women or inability to date, but calling a woman a “virgin” isn’t an impactful insult. Men statistically underperforming women’s standards is considered a failing, and the consensus is that men as a whole must improve. Patriarchal standards for women have been oppressive and brutally enforced through history as well as currently in much of the world. In western societies today, however, women are comfortable rejecting male preference and its quite passé to complain about as a man. I feel like these might sound like “men have it so hard” talking points, they are not, eg men aren’t somehow suffering from women decentering their opinions. So again, for the avoidance of doubt, I am raising these as observations of broader dynamic of differences that includes promiscuity having different implications for men vs women.

I know there are many cases of women proposing to men etc. Stereotypical gender expectations are certainly less ubiquitous, but these kinds of exceptions are still the minority. I think it’s fair to say that men are still by and large expected to pursue.