Why is it wrong for friends to develop feelings overtime ? [discussion]

OneDumbPony · 2022-02-10T02:29:32+00:00

The people who are pretending to be your friend only for sex usually throw a hissy fit if they can't date you.. a friend who genuinely develops feelings for you isn't likely to do that.

kyjolski · 2022-02-10T02:47:34+00:00

If I started to develop feelings for any of my female friends, most of whom I know for a long time, I would think really hard whether pursuing this is the correct course of action.

Unless there is clear mutual attraction sparkling, and a very good chance it would actually work for us, I would rather get a grip and keep a friend.

sarkington · 2022-02-10T01:51:47+00:00

I’ve had feels for friends. If he is not available or interested, or not a good match for me, or I am not single, I crush the feelings down like an adult and they eventually go away.

Problem solved, yay !

It’s not wrong to have feelings, but the way you handle them can be criticized and judged

chromie96 · 2022-02-10T02:17:40+00:00

Feelings over time is fine. Its understandable. It's happened to me and it's rough but it all depends on how the other person handles rejection.

Be upset. Cut the friendship off. That's fine. But I've heard so many horror stories and experienced one myself of someone who confessed their feelings and when faced with rejection said some awful shit.

Bendetto4 · 2022-02-10T07:59:57+00:00

Its not. Honestly it's probably the best way to have a LTR

Notanothrshitthrow · 2022-02-10T11:21:05+00:00

Of course it's not wrong, it does happen.

The problem people have is with guys who clearly just fancy a girl from the start and LARP as their friend in order to worm their way into a relationship. It's not effective, a waste of both people's time and can often be duplicitous.

plumtastic · 2022-02-10T00:05:13+00:00

Once you've been burned by the actual pretenders it's hard not to see it everywhere. It's not fair though I admit.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-02-10T00:38:55+00:00

Nothing's wrong with it, so long as you realize that throwing a fit because your friend won't fuck you makes you childish.

happychickenpalace · 2022-02-10T06:35:17+00:00

It's only wrong if an unattractive guy is the one developing feelings.

Apprehensive_Boat_70 · 2022-02-10T00:33:45+00:00

The only thing that i can say is that relationships that bloom from friendships happen organically just like friendships, you dont just say "lets be friends", you talk with someone, probably hang out in the same spaces or something like that and you become friends overtime, but if you purpposefully say "imma be friends with this rando girl to see if she falls for me cuz i need intimacy or a relationship to feel good about myself asap" then thats doomed to fail, specially because you dont care if it is taylor or tanisha or stacy or becky or maria or lee, the only thing you want is someone to fill the void you have inside and that never ends up well.

Reisiluu · 2022-02-10T00:11:35+00:00

The resentment and anger and ghosting that follows when she doesn't reciprocate is why it seems like they were never friends. If you are fine with rejection and still like her company, you're a friend. If you expect her to suddenly develop fantasies about you after 3 years because you think the time is right, and get mad that she doesn't, it's clear you have turned the friendship into a covert contract at some point.

Lost-Coconut-1050 · 2022-02-09T23:56:25+00:00

It's not. It's just that these men are sexually unattractive. If they weren't, then the women would have pursued them and escalated the friendship to sex.

42nanaimobars · 2022-02-10T00:44:00+00:00

It’s logical for friends to develop feelings over time. I wouldn’t start a relationship with someone who wasn’t already a friend.

Two friends fell in love with me, which was awkward…

Kaleidoscopiquant · 2022-02-10T01:19:29+00:00

I need chemistry with someone and if that chemistry isn't there from the outset I can't see it developing. Either things are fiery and tense between us from the outset and I want to date you, or they're platonic and you're a friend. I've never had that chemistry build over time.

Frajnir-9 · 2022-02-10T13:39:29+00:00

You can’t imagine how many men try to be friends with women just to hook up. And then they throw a fit and call women names just because women don’t want them.

And putting the blame on the women and not the manipulators is disgusting. Then We have to read 100s of posts of “wHy aRe WoMen so cAuTiOus around men?”

cautionTomorrow555 · 2022-02-10T00:26:12+00:00

Because women won't admit the problem is those guys are not attractive enough for them and to save face and make themselves feel less guilty it is easier to blame the men instead. I am not guilty they are!

DXBrigade · 2022-02-10T09:32:05+00:00

Nothing wrong with it, it happens to women as well. The problem is when you bitch about the friendzone.

quiturbitchn · 2022-02-10T00:49:05+00:00

For me, if you’re my friend that is where my interest ends. I will not fuck you nor think of you sexually. So if you express feelings I give the option of stifling them or walking away but I will not entertain the idea

zerofeetpersecond · 2022-02-10T13:32:46+00:00

Women don’t believe it’s wrong. That is their plausible deniability scheme. It’s convenient if the friend is hot banker and inconvenient if he looks like Danny Devito and drivers for Uber. Which in the latter case he should be thankful to give her rides in exchange for breathing her air.

houstongradengineer · 2022-02-10T02:10:38+00:00

women thinking men

Um yeah, if you're talking about adults men and women it's a bit weird to take years to decide if you're into someone. You take time to figure out your feelings in your teens. Once you're 21 or so, well, you should know what you want.

It’s so bizarre to think a guy was pretending for years when playful feelings probably popped up recently.

I don't get why it's bizarre? Why would it be? For hears she's not good enough to be asked on a date or a girlfriend, but now all of a sudden he... what? Wants to settle? Nope, sorry, not a good idea.

Friends spend time and talk with each other. Naturally over the course of years

Yeah, absolutely, thats what friends are and you should know what you want romantically pretty early in all that bonding. If you didn't have a spark for the first few months or the first few hangouts, you're probably just not that into her.

women are blind to the actual imposters which are dudes doing way too much vs the funny dude you watch anime with and call every few days

Again, this makes sense with teenagers. Not adults. I had ONE man who admitted feelings for me long into our friendship. The only reason that happened was because of a major age gap, and I can imagine it was weird for him to have to process those feelings for someone so much younger than him. That wasn't a normal situation. It's also OK to have a friend and then ask her out years later if she suddenly becomes single, but not too quickly. That is a weird situation, too, and I imagine it's hard to navigate. What's not OK is to be friends with a women while you alone are actively dating multiple other women and keeping this "friend" on the sidelines until she performs your monkey dance of becoming datable or until you crash and burn through many other rop chocies. Either decide to be a friend, or decide that you like her. There shouldn't be an in between. It's Hell Yes or Hell No. If you can maintain the close relationship without wanting to get closer, you're too lukewarm.

Perseus_the_Bold · 2022-02-10T16:16:35+00:00

It isn't wrong per se but I believe the issue is that the relationship dynamic may become strained due to the fact that a normal friendship with a woman is based on boundaries and privileges with that person and when such a relationship is taken to the level of girlfriend the boundaries and privileges change whereas you've both been so used to the previous arrangement. It's the emotional equivalent of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

It can be done but it requires effort, time, and adjustment. And it's not guaranteed to work because in the transition between friend and girlfriend you may find out that boundaries will change in a way you did not want them to change, certain privileges and privacy will be lost and the responsibility of intimacy may have felt better when you imagined it than when you actually put it into practice.

I also think women have a harder time transitioning from friend to girlfriend than men do because women are nowhere near as sexually motivated as men are. A woman can be entirely content her entire life with many male friends whom she will not feel an iota of attraction to. Men on the other hand are constantly and relentlessly pushed toward feeling attracted to pretty much every woman we see.

There is even a phenomena where women that men preciously felt totally unattracted to slowly start to become attractive over a period of time if a man is somehow stuck with her; such as work, school, etc and he has no access or options to other women. I forget what this phenomena is called. Basically, as a man you will literally start to become more and more physically attracted to an ugly woman the more you are stuck with her and the less options you have. This is why guys always try to hit on ugly co-workers or ugly classmates after a long period of time being stuck with them. This is our biological imperative at work. The compulsive instinct to reproduce. Our brain is hard wired to prioritize procreation even if means undermining all our other mental faculties to achieve it like Reason and common sense.

No_Regular1586 · 2022-02-10T16:50:45+00:00

It's only if the guy is beta. If he's hot and masculine they love it.

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BATTERY__AZIZ · 2022-02-10T00:02:04+00:00

You get time and a half for overtime

DivineDaedra · 2022-02-10T02:08:32+00:00

There is nothing wrong with developing feelings over time.

Those feelings may not be reciprocated but it’s not like you can control who you catch feelings for. Plenty of people can stay friends without any issues after one person develops feelings for the other.

Gravel_Roads · 2022-02-10T13:16:20+00:00

There's nothing "wrong" with it. It happens. It just sucks for you, because you are no longer getting what you "want" from the friendship, and it sucks for the other person who is suddenly not "give enough" to satisfy the person they thought was their friend.

Hoopy223 · 2022-02-10T15:02:47+00:00

1) Theres nothing wrong with it. Feelings just happen sometimes. Of course it can lead to tragedy if those feelings run away but thats just life.

2) Women think they are very good at sniffing Men out but they aren’t. Guys are the ones who usually spot the weirdo guys.

OfCatandPagan · 2022-02-10T19:26:06+00:00

It's not wrong, it's just creepy when the person can't take no for an answer or is clearly waiting for a friend to break up in order to make a move. Or actively going after someone in a relationship and it really has nothing to do with how the person looks the majority of the time.

Title	Why is it wrong for friends to develop feelings overtime ? [discussion]
Author	SableSuns
Upvotes	45
Comments	125
Date	February 9, 2022 11:51 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/sorpe5/why_is_it_wrong_for_friends_to_develop_feelings/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-it-wrong-for-friends-to-develop-feelings.1101492 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101492

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