“Have you tried communicating?”

One of the simplest lessons that I’ve learned from FDS was also one of the most important. Reject the, “Have you tried communicating?” trope from AITA and the many dating subreddits. There’s a reason this advice is so ubiquitous on Reddit: This view is generally held in our society as a whole, and shows up frequently in film and literature, as well.

Time after time, you see women telling stories of their SO doing something unacceptable, cruel, and/or pathologically disgusting or unhygienic, and the most upvoted comments say something along the lines of, “You need to communicate more clearly that you don’t like this behavior. Communication is key.”

This is good advice if there is a break down in communication, and there truly is information that could remedy the situation if delivered clearly.

And yet... Reddit doles out this advice to women whose SO 1) expects her to do most (or all) of the housework while working a full time job 2) abuses her emotionally or financially 3) is incredibly controlling 4) pees on the floor and doesn’t clean it up (why does this specific scenario show up so often on Reddit??) 5) has noticeably bad hygiene.

Why is Reddit’s first impulse to shift the responsibility for the man’s behavior onto the woman’s communication skills? You should only have to communicate your boundaries clearly if they are unusual or not inherently obvious.

The moment you have to assert, “I want to be treated as an equal,” or, “I want to be treated with respect,” is the moment you should leave—because you should not associate with people that do not see you as an equal or do not treat you respectfully. By definition, if you need to communicate these boundaries to your SO, they have done something disrespectful to you, or shown that they view you as inferior.

Reject Reddit’s message that it’s up to you to train your SO to act like an adult. It’s not your job to mother your SO. It’s not your job to ask your SO to show you love and affection instead of abuse.

If a man doesn’t know how to act appropriately or treat you well, it’s not because you didn’t communicate clearly enough. It’s his problem—not yours.