I’ve seen so many opinions on dating single dads here, but the most concerning to me are the statements where people assume how much parenting time a man has directly relates to whether or not he is a HVM. This could not be more false, and is in fact, dangerous thinking. I work quietly and under the radar in a strictly laywoman capacity in my local community to help women leave abusers, navigate the reality of the ABUSIVE court system, find housing, jobs, and any other way my small community of gorilla warrior feminists can help. I keep tabs on these women and their stories. Here are the disturbing truths I have learned:

Thanks to a commenter, I am reminded of the number one rule in dating single dads:

NEVER EVER EVER date a single dad who is behind on child support. Make him show proof.

Potential Danger #1: Dads who have 50% parenting time. A huge percentage of men who have 50% parenting are Cluster B men. They end up with the kids half time, because they went balls to the wall in court, dragged their ex through the mud, and sacrificed their children’s innocence and safety so they get some “good dad points” in the court of public opinion. Of course, “not all men”, but for me personally, this is a massive orange flag, and I dig deeper. These are the men who have “a crazy ex” or “she abused the children, but I got screwed in court so I only got 50%”. I am extremely hesitant to engage with men who have 50% parenting time for these reasons. I know multiple women in my community who live this reality. More parenting doesn’t mean the man is a high value father.

Potential Danger #2: Men who have little to no time with their children, live half way across the country from their children, etc. These are the men I’ve more often than not come across when I used to engage in online dating. “The ex stole the kids”, “She’s alienating them” or some other similar sob story. Sometimes THEY moved half way across the country away from their kids ON PURPOSE. These men make poor choices, and don’t put their own flesh and blood children before themselves. Do you think you, a mere woman, is going to fare any better? These men are the most likely to have hidden criminal records, or have engaged in substance abuse, abusive behavior, or other things that caused them to lose their children. They may say “they gave her sole custody, because that seemed best for the kids”. Rest assured, they are not generous benefactors, but likely lost legal custody for a reason.

Potential Danger #3: Men with multiple baby mamas. I think this is pretty self explanatory. These men are often careless with birth control, breeder fetish men, and as one would expect, dead beat dads. Look out for multiple children close in age by different women. Don’t be his next pregnancy entrapment. Men who might be okay, are ones who had a teen pregnancy, and then later got married and did the family thing, and otherwise seem responsible. Be EXTREMELY WARY of any men who had an “oops” baby over age 35. There are many. Can you imagine being so irresponsible with your sex life at that age? My experience with these types is that they are very “peter pan”. Potential Danger #4: The full time dad. Did he “win” in a corrupt court system against a protective mother? Or, is he one of the exceptionally rare cases of having a poor woman partner, and he is actually the best parent for the children?

The single dads I think worth vetting against other FDS criteria:

Potentially Dateable Dad #1: The every other weekend dad. Many of these dads are more emotionally involved in their children’s lives. They chose stability for their children over having to “win” some custody battle. Especially look for ones who agreed for the mother to keep the family home so the kids could stay in the same school district, and keep a good quality of life. These dads often try to make kids sports games, they show up for midweek dinner, and remember their kids birthdays.

Potentially Dateable Dad #2: The all summer and school holidays dad. Effectively, this dad has approximately the same about of parenting time as Potentially Dateable Dad #1, but for some reason this schedule worked better. He makes an effort to be involved, video chats w the kids, sends surprise gifts if they are far away from each other, and curtails his summer schedule so he can really focus on his children.

Potentially Dateable Dad #3: The full time/primary parent and widower. These men need extra vetting as seen in “Potential Danger #4”, however, if they do come with a lot of green flags, they are potentially dateable. There are women who get into drugs, abuse alcohol, or other unsafe things, who really cannot parent children safely. These men often did their very best, but then had to leave, or the mother left them, or was committed to rehab/relapsed etc. These men are a MINORITY, but they do exist. I would personally ONLY date this kind of father if his actions are aligned with healing, leveling up, and providing stability for the family, AND he can articulate that. He should be proactive in getting the kids the help they may need. Widowers obviously went through a trauma, but as long as they are truly ready to move on and love again, they are potentially dateable, however, you will have kids FULL TIME if you marry this person, vet accordingly. It would be good if they had attended a grief group or therapy, or were some way proactive in their healing and helping their children cope.

Final Caveat: If you do not have children already, I DO NOT recommend dating single dads AT ALL.