PSA to the kinky pick-mes.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-08-14T20:16:29+00:00

I once dated a NVM for a little bit and even back in my pickme days, I described myself as more “vanilla” when it comes to sex. This NVM didn’t like the way I did things in the bedroom. He wanted me to choke on his Dick, be spanked, and he wanted to be rough. I wouldn’t let him do any of that because I didn’t feel comfortable, so he started losing interest and then spread around to the whole friend group how I was “trash at giving head”. First of all, I’m not going to choke on your disgusting member that you haven’t properly washed in awhile because you only take two minute showers no matter how dirty you are🤮 and never once did you make me cum or care to. The trash ended up taking itself out because I started finding really misogynistic posts of his about humiliating women and abusing them. He claimed it was just “dark humor”

AconiteBlackbird · 2021-08-14T17:40:14+00:00

Thank you, I needed that. My last situationship was like awful lowbudget 50 shades. Left him and recovering now, its so painful to see truth but necessary. I remember my heart sinking when he mentioned wanting threesome, I never agreed but this thought haunted me since: "why you want sex with someone else when I want only you?". :( so hurtful, so unfair

Pistachio_Queen · 2021-08-14T19:21:17+00:00

This is amazing. Succinctly puts into words how I feel about 'kink' people.

radfem_babe · 2021-08-14T21:30:15+00:00

Even before I fould FDS and Radical Feminism, I never liked BDSM. I never wanted man that would verbally degrade me or god forbidden hurt me physical. It is not attractive and it is not a turn on. The man in your life should not get off to our pain and humiliation.

Fuckdoesithurt956 · 2021-08-14T18:48:00+00:00

The Archives of Sexual Behavior studied 52,500 adults in the US and found that, in relationships, 95% of straight men usually or always climax during sex – compared to only 65 percent of heterosexual women. The study, by Indiana University, Chapman University and Claremont Graduate University, showed the proportion of people who usually orgasmed was:

65% of heterosexual women

66% of bisexual women

86% of lesbian women

88% of bisexual men

89% of gay men

95% of heterosexual men

The research team said: "The findings, however, indicate that this orgasm gap can be reduced. The fact that lesbian women orgasmed more often than heterosexual women indicates that many heterosexual women could experience higher rates of orgasm."

Considering hetero men tend to be selfish and inconsiderate in bed, I wonder if pickmes are convincing themselves to like bdsm because at least this way they get some kind of attention and aren't just being jackhammered for 2 minutes.

But this isn't the answer. The answer is to have some standards and dump any man who doesn't care about your pleasure. Find a man who will.

valleycupcake · 2021-08-14T20:34:21+00:00

I used to like being choked. I later realized he really wanted to choke me and it got scary.

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2021-08-14T19:21:04+00:00

Men will literally beat you and strangle you during sex, then turn around and cry when your teeth graze his peepee during oral 🙄

CrazyPaine · 2021-08-14T21:45:14+00:00

This almost made me cry. My ex would say those things, do the exact same actions and then was interested for my ex best friend to join in on the fun. But I don't think should she would be interested tbh. God damn that hurt man.

Funny how how we broke up my ex still wanted to have threesomes with me and have access to me. You can't have access to me to and constantly and continuously hurt me.

But I understand. I shouldn't want no one to abuse me in different ways during sex. Sex should be fun, it should be passionate (within safety measures of course and with consent) and vanilla (what I mean by that is loving, safe, and sweet)

its_me_phosphene · 2021-08-14T23:07:56+00:00

Posts like these make me really wish I found this place in my early 20s… I was so brainwashed :( I’ll never get those years back and now I’m dealing with retroactive trauma realizing how fucked up my situationships were

electroloop · 2021-08-14T17:20:03+00:00

So true.

In my extreme kinkmeisha days, I wanted to be called “fuckdoll” and “fuck toy”. I cosmetically modified my body to fit this mould, so men could continue to objectify me.

It’s not sexy. It’s not admirable. It’s plain ol’ abuse.

Men weren’t calling me a fuckdoll because of my surgery, they were calling me a fuckdoll because that’s what they saw me as, a living object meant to be abused and used.

Fuck off with this kink shit. We will kinkshame you because that’s not a healthy view of women.

riseaboveagain · 2021-08-15T03:29:14+00:00

Couple of years ago, I was feeling wild and thought it would be fun for SO to pull my hair during sex. His reply: I can’t. Disappointed for a bit, I then had to appreciate that a good man does not want to hurt a woman, no matter what

CrazyPaine · 2021-08-14T17:35:51+00:00

PSA: LVM won't even cuddle you after they literally hit you as hard as they can during sex for no reason. Don't be fooled.

Ok-Cabinet-9082 · 2021-08-14T17:58:21+00:00

Thank you for this post. It’s really hard to get out of that mindset but one-way BDSM (where a woman is expected to do anal but the man isn’t pegged, etc. etc.) is performative imagery that only serves the watcher.

It’s a set where you’re the only actor and the guy just gets to forget you’re in a loving, mutually beneficial relationship.

He gets to quite literally and meaningfully strip you down and leaves you as just tactile and visual stimulus responsible for his pleasure.

It is then up to you to be as much of a spectacle as you can for their entertainment.

Who told us this could be part of a normal relationship?

jupitarianrise · 2021-08-14T16:20:04+00:00

addiction from cycling through fear and pain to happiness from him being nice and affectionate a few days after

OOF. That’s the harsh truth. Men know it too. They’ll temporarily treat you like a princess… as a treat after letting them degrade you. Training you like a dog.

When he calls you sl-t or wh-re or b-tch to get off, it’s not play - that’s how he fucking sees you.

Yeah they aren’t going to like this one but it’s the cold, harsh TRUTH. Any man who enjoys degrading women in bed is a MISOGYNIST.

I’ve heard a lot of men say “yeah, I did x and y to my exes in bed but they were wh-res, they deserved it”

If you’re in a relationship with them (not that it means anything) they will cuddle you at the end.

If you’re not, they will leave as soon as they cum, because they don’t even have to pretend to like you.

frustratedmarxistfem · 2021-08-14T19:03:30+00:00

Ugh I hate sex now. I don't hate sex itself, I used to enjoy it, but being single today all the men are engaging in the same weird sex that isn't appealing. Its like a porn trend or something 🤮🤮

Women are not meant to be abused during sex. I enjoy soft touches and kissing and caressing and I'm not going to apologize for that because those things are intended to give pleasure!

And pickmes are partially at fault. They keep telling men everywhere that women like being slapped and bit and having their hair pulled. (If one more idiot pulls on my freshly pressed hair and expects me to moan for more I'm going to snap)

aghostinyourworld · 2021-08-14T17:10:19+00:00

Thank you.

I joined fetlife once to see what it was about. It was horrifying to see women being basically raped while photographed and filmed.

The mutilation was appalling as well.

I didn’t feel well for a week after that.

alexjames_sc · 2021-08-14T21:16:15+00:00

My ex: wanted to watch me get "DP'd" by two men while he "held me and kissed me". Aka, he wanted to watch me get injured and raped and suffer. *Knowing I've been raped before

My green flag man: in a year has never once called me anything derogatory in bed or otherwise. I've never even heard him call any woman a b****. He is tender and intimate and always, always, prioritizes my pleasure in bed.

SUCH a difference.

thatjimmylove · 2021-08-14T16:54:33+00:00

I used to be a horrible kink meisha coping with trauma. this is all true I had a horrible and painful year of looking at myself where I realized what I wanted was affection and care but because of how i grew up I believed I had to tolerate abuse to get a sliver of genuine affection.

haggis_rising · 2021-08-14T18:13:17+00:00

It's 100% abuse.

The bodily pain and suffering is one thing but the mental scars are deep, possibly for life. That's what an abuser wants most of all, to own a piece of your soul.

hensbanex · 2021-08-14T16:12:52+00:00

perfectly said. I could never describe why kink “appealed” to me even when I thought I was in my pickme days (thankfully I never actually engaged in anything irl, just lurked and read things on forums and in stories), but the addiction and cycling is exactly it

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-08-14T16:38:20+00:00

I think engaging in performative, porny sex that, even if it isn't particularly extreme, merely isn't pleasurable for women is "Pickme" in itself, never mind the really dangerous stuff.

So many women were raised with the normalization of brutal porn and will readily engage in potentially painful Cirque de Soleil shit that technically cannot produce a female orgasm yet (80%) will fake orgasms to keep men engaged. Some find ways to acheive unlikely orgasms in awkward positions through grinding and pressure but end up with chafing, aches and discomfort as a result.

So depressing. Just put your clothes on and leave or kick them out.

yesbutnou · 2021-08-15T09:20:39+00:00

We went from men secretly abusing women and them being too afraid to speak up (it still happens I know) to men simply saying they have a kink and having hundred of women willing to be abused. I feel like we are going backwards.

Fun fact about me is that I used to be into BDSM (never tried it in real life) and I can assure you all this men are low value. Some women have this 50 shades of Grey fantasy but I promise you a rich, charming and handsome men won’t be into this. It’s the men who have been rejected by woman and have a lot of resentment that are into this.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-08-15T09:10:36+00:00

if he can only cum from degrading a woman, he's not the man you need in your life.

AyemHerself · 2021-08-15T00:35:05+00:00

When I was in the kink scene, I met a lot of submissive women attached to dominant men. Nearly all of them reached a stage where they stepped back and said "wait, where does the play stop and abuse begin? Because now he's hurting me all the time."

Abiertoycerrado · 2021-08-15T01:26:53+00:00

I want everyone to know that the 'submissive' men of the BDSM world are also abusive- often in a more covert way. I was taken advantage of by one. These sick f-cks also are trying to make cheating a kink.

Basically, the BDSM community should be renamed the SRTMHI community (Sexualized Repressed Trauma and Mental Health Issues).

MadameDestruction · 2021-08-15T12:43:30+00:00

I used to try so hard to get myself to like those things (a consequence of getting groomed as a teenager). Thinking I could get some sort of cool girl points in return, somehow thinking a man would see me as a real "prize" if I allowed him to dehumanize and degrade me. But it is not worth it. Turning yourself into a vessel for man's sexual wants is never worth it.

sassyheather · 2021-08-14T17:15:48+00:00

Brilliantly written post! I went through that and loving every second since I snapped out. I saved and screenshot this in case it disappears.

secularwitch · 2021-08-14T23:01:11+00:00

For women, kink is sexualization of self-hatered.

jem1173 · 2021-08-15T03:26:40+00:00

It disgusts me when your partner asks/expects you to do something painful and humiliating... but if you asked them to try the exact same thing their eyes would bug out of their head.

I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t shudder at the thought of experiencing pain during sex themselves but won’t hesitate to ask for their fave porn sex act.

FDSMama · 2021-08-14T18:23:00+00:00

I heard a new one recently - CNC = Consent Non-Consent. Basically it’s roleplaying a rape fantasy where you give consent to act like you’re not giving consent. Even with safe words, there’s no fucking way.

External_Initial1918 · 2021-08-15T04:09:12+00:00

Thank you for this post. I also think it’s interesting the only time I’ve been sex shamed was by another woman. Calling me ‘too vanilla’. She was into all that abusive sex but also had NEVER had a man make her cum… girl if you’re doing the most for him while you get no pleasure then you’re just a show pony. If not wanting to be hurt during sex makes me a prude and ‘too vanilla’ then I’m proud to call myself a prude!!

Scully___ · 2021-08-15T05:32:42+00:00

THANKYOU. It’s incredibly disturbing how many women have told me that they have been choked during sex and how socially acceptable it has become. Never would I let a man speak to me and treat me this way.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-08-15T09:19:43+00:00

Gosh how I would love to see this posted on a libfem subreddit.

Stossiewossie · 2021-08-14T22:23:11+00:00

I had a guy once ask me to look up at him and open my mouth after he cums in it so he can see what he did and I got so angry I spat it in his face and kicked him in his nuts!
Men treat us like toilets! it's disgusting! They never cease to amaze me on how desperate they are to find new ways to degrade us.
To this day I still haven't spoken to the guy I was talking about in the first message, I ignore him at every family function >: @

Noogenesis21 · 2021-08-15T13:08:44+00:00

I only like kinky BDSM if i can be the dominatrix.... but then men would enjoy it. Which ruins it for me lol

throwawayabusednomo · 2021-08-14T22:38:52+00:00

Its 100% abuse. I dont want to get slapped, choked or beat, but guess what all the thirsty guys in my dms are begging for? Disgusting.

Elegaunt · 2021-08-14T22:43:54+00:00

i could have written this. oof. it's insane and sad that it is a universal experience, but i am not surprised in the least.

tachyon2901 · 2021-08-14T20:05:54+00:00

Thank you so much for this!!! Always rubbed me the wrong way that legit abuse was excused for the purpose of “kink”

redheadedalex · 2021-08-14T22:19:59+00:00

my inner voice was telling me all along. I'm so glad I finally started listening. thank you for this, I hope it validates others inner voices.

OkAttorney2098 · 2021-08-15T06:51:14+00:00

Couldn't agree with this more. Post it on a billboard. Lol

SnowPirateKite · 2021-08-14T23:32:58+00:00

Everything about this post is golden. I love it.

brocadescrap · 2021-08-15T03:07:37+00:00

I’ve spent an extensive amount of time talking with my therapist about where my desire to be kinky comes from. She’s of the opinion that it’s healthy and empowering and doesn’t come from a place of self hatred but vulnerability but I’ve never fully agreed with her explanation but with her being a professional I have tried to accept it. Reading this post has been helpful in seeing another perspective and I was hoping to hear more stories about why it clicked that it wasn’t coming from a place of empowerment?

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Expensive-Worker5767 · 2021-09-16T18:57:35+00:00

Tips or resources for recovering kinkmeisha? That last paragraph hit me hard. I found FDS after my kink situationship ended.

Title	PSA to the kinky pick-mes.
Author	GoldandGlowing
Upvotes	1319
Comments	66
Date	August 14, 2021 3:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p4acah/psa_to_the_kinky_pickmes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/psa-to-the-kinky-pick-mes.958417 https://theredarchive.com/post/958417

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