Times you need confort are good for vetting...

bookworm1896 · 2021-08-31T12:07:10+00:00

Okay, I am really bad at comforting people when someone died (as soon as they cry, I start crying too) but never ever would I just ignore someone who is mourning! It is one thing to be at a loss what to say, but even then you can comfort the other person and show them that you care!

shelballama · 2021-08-31T12:53:20+00:00

This same dude would expect you to trip over yourself apologizing if you ever upset him in a way that is much less serious than a familial death, or also be out of sorts if you didn't lavish him with attention in the same scenario

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-08-31T12:22:10+00:00

It’s a really good vet. I had been dating this one guy for a few weeks when I got REALLY sick (years ago, so not COVID). I lived alone in my apartment and this was the kind of sick where you could barely crawl out of bed to use the bathroom. I managed to text him and he basically was like “that sucks” and then proceeded to ignore me. He had been nice, seemingly a good guy, up until that point.

I ended up calling my mom so she could bring me a couple things and comfort me for a bit. That’s how bad it was; I usually prefer to be alone while sick and I was in my 30s and independent.

A few days pass and I feel better and so I call him (🤦🏻‍♀️) and he was like “oh hey”. Didn’t ask how I was, what happened, how I was feeling. This was prime pickme years so I wasn’t even expecting him to take care of me, but the complete lack of care in his voice and avoidance of the topic disgusted me. I ended it.

Some of these guys are really out here, LARPing as good dudes, but they don’t give shit ONE about you.

Thestral-glow6 · 2021-08-31T12:15:58+00:00

Major red flag. Someone you love dearly passing is something he should have definitely paid serious attention to and tried to gage what level of comforting you needed. As you say he didn’t even ask for basic information about what happened.

He’s shown major detachment from emotions and made what little communication you had all about him being tired.

This is the kind of person who will go radio silent at the first sign of anything inconvenient happening or won’t want to talk anything out if you have a disagreement. Block and delete.

katiekat0214 · 2021-08-31T11:57:21+00:00

Very true. Delete, block, move on, no loss. Something like this happened to me in grad school. My first husband and I had to put down an elderly, sick cat, and I was rather devastated (RIP JB Cat, dear old Siamese man). I came to my university visibly upset, and tried to talk to this one girl who had always been polite to me. She avoided even looking me in the eye, said nothing other than a stilted, awkward "sorry" (you could hear the "uh, I guess, it's just a cat... unsaid, but I could almost tell she was thinking it). And then she never spoke to me again. I've said many times, death brings out the weird in people, and I've found anytime someone dies, people you won't expect will step up, and people you expect to be there won't. And it's not personal, yet it is.

My condoloences. I hope you can grieve your aunt that you didn't get to see; I can tell she was special to you, and I'm sorry it was Covid (FUCK COVID). May her name be for a memory.

Magnolia05 · 2021-08-31T14:36:50+00:00

I lived with a guy for about six years in my 30’s. Several things happened within a couple months that made me finally leave him, but one of the main ones was when my dad died and I was sitting on the edge of our bed crying so hard I could hardly breathe, and he came in and just pat me on the back. That’s it. The closest he came to comforting me the whole time. He didn’t go to the funeral with me because he had to go out of town for work. His mom came though, and told me how horrified and embarrassed she was for his behavior.

bleda_princezna · 2021-08-31T12:16:42+00:00

Wow, get rid of him. I wish I knew how problematic this behaviour was with the last guy I was dating! He would never comfort me, he always just ignored me or acted like everything was normal.

Eventually he started to be the cause of me needing someone to comfort me. The longer I stayed the more often I needed someone to comfort me. But he never bothered, not even when he was the source of unhappiness because of his shitty treatment. POS.

Don't do the same thing to yourself. You'll be better off without him.

she_is_munchkins · 2021-08-31T13:18:33+00:00

Yeah men generally suck at emotional labour. This is a great way to vet actually.

My dad passed away earlier this year. I didn't really tell people unless they asked why I'd disappeared for a bit. Anyhow this guy who I've been friends with for 15 years sent 1 "Sorry for your loss" message after I told him, and has never brought it up again since. Not once did he check how I was dealing with everything, or just send a message to check how I was. Silence. He resurfaced about 6 months later spewing nonsense about us being soulmates. Lol he can fuck right off.

Anyhow I also had a lot of other "friends" (some women included) also not bother to check up. Anyhow I've reevaluated a lot of my friendships now and have knocked a lot people down to "friendly acquaintance" level because of this

Horror_Maize_6546 · 2021-08-31T14:16:50+00:00

Absolutely agree. I once finally cut myself out of a long-lasting crush on a guy after I opened up to him about a health-related issue (note: after he told me he would have always been there for me and blah, it would have been hard for me to open up otherwise) and he only answered "Uh, sounds bad". Then proceeded to never ever ask me again how I was doing.

Dnotchtiebd · 2021-08-31T12:44:43+00:00

My grandma passed when I was at my ex's house. I was screaming and crying. He gave me a hug and then went to work like nothing happened. Couldn't spend one of his sick days with me, it was too much of a bother I guess. Then I spent weeks crying and wherever he was with in public, he would tell me to stop crying, bc it was embarrassing to him. I will never forget that. My pain was embarrassing to him. Garbage ass motherfucker. That should've been the end of our relationship but I was so in love and stupid and it was my first relationship. It was abusive so it turned a lot worse than that.

shockingupdate · 2021-08-31T12:12:30+00:00

Ugh. I’m so sorry; these times are rough and I wish you could have spent a bit more time with your aunt. I also wish more people were comfortable with the concept of death and dying because this is for sure not a gendered thing. So many people just clam up at the time you need them most.

Mimosa_usagi · 2021-08-31T12:53:58+00:00

This is a huge one. Having a man be able to show empathy and that he will be there for you the way men expect us to be there for them is an important test. Lacking sympathy is something that is a giant red flag.

galian84 · 2021-08-31T13:07:59+00:00

So sorry to hear about your aunt :(

I agree with you, this is a great way to weed out men who have issues with empathy. They’re 100% not going to be there for you when you need them, or when you need a shoulder to cry on. Good thing he revealed himself early.

I’ve had exes straight up not respond when I told them about a death in the family, my precious dogs included. Or they’d just give me a cursory “sorry to hear” and not mention it again.

One ex was particularly unempathetic - when my grandma died, he said “oh sorry to hear. So we still on for tonight?” Regarding a date we had planned. And when I lost both my precious pups within a week of each other, he got annoyed at me after two weeks and said “get over it already, they’re just dogs!” And when I was in danger of failing out of grad school and was super frazzled and scared? He told me he needed space and I was being too clingy.

Men like this are simply selfish and don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves.

NahkriinVulom · 2021-08-31T12:07:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're okay.

I'm also sorry that the person you decided to share your sadness with, reacted in such a cold way. What's going on in his head? Since when are we not comforting partners when they're having a rough time? Even from a friend I would expect more than this. If you need someone to talk, let me know.

thenotoriousaep · 2021-08-31T14:49:36+00:00

I had one stare at me blankly when I said one of my best friends had terminal, aggressive cancer. Then as I was talking about the friend he looked bored and when I asked him if I should talk about something else he looked visibly relieved and said yes. Later on he called it my friend's strange disease"

Important-Wasabi-552 · 2021-08-31T11:56:49+00:00

My mom is 60 years old, lost her mom this year, a deeplyyyy close relationship.My moms boyfriend of 4 years response when she called telling him she had passed was, « ok, its done now. » His selfish-ass view of losing a mom was that the hard part was finally over. No checking on my mom, questions, nothing else... Must be nice to go through life not deeply investing in anyone else to the point that you cant even remotely empathize when someone loses someone close.

sassyheather · 2021-08-31T12:45:21+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. And happy for the loss of this man. A mature and rational thing he could do was at least ask you something along the lines of “What do you need, would you like me to come and comfort you or let you be? Do you need a phone talk? Feel like sharing what’s on your mind?”

DallasM19 · 2021-08-31T13:31:01+00:00

In a comment in a different post, I pondered with another user about if it would be helpful to write about how something like a death can really show a man's true colours.

He doesn't give a shit about you, and that's disgusting. I don't care that some people think death is awkward to deal with or whatever, it's so low value to be like "I don't know what to say...". That's unhelpful and dismissive. He should have dropped by some flowers and asked if he could come see you for a bit to hold the space and show you compassion.

Fuck this emotionally immature dudebro (don't actually). Saying he's tired in response to your grief. 😡 Not ok.

This could be a full stop for me. He's shown he lacks quite a lot of empathy and emotional intelligence.

krissycole87 · 2021-08-31T16:20:56+00:00

My ex made me late to my grandmas funeral because he had to stop and get coffee at starbucks. He was one of those "I cant function without my coffee" people (never EVER again) and pulls into the drive through at starbucks just down the way from the church while Im legit furious and screaming in the car to just get me to the venue. When we finally get there we're rolling up literally as the ceremony is starting. There is no parking so I tell him to drop me at the door and he can go park. At this point I didnt even care if he came inside or not, I was furious and distraught. Im sitting near the back of the church since I was late and barely got there in time. I had walked in visibly upset (not only was this my grandmas funeral, whom I was super close with, Im fighting with my bf the whole way there) and my mom saw this all going down as I roll up crying telling her what happened. She waits for him outside and I hear her REEMING him about the whole situation as he walks up and she says "i swear to god if you dont get in there and support my daughter through today I will never EVER forgive you, and SO HELP ME if you make her cry again..." Queen shit. My mom is the nicest, most soft spoken, mellow lady of all time. I have never heard her lay into someone like she did that day. He did come in, he did sheepishly support me through that day. But I, and my mom, never forgot this. I broke up with him shortly afterwards. I honestly couldnt believe he put coffee over me, my feelings, my family, the ceremony, etc. His starbucks was more important than making sure I was there on time to something extremely important to me. I honestly had never been so flabbergasted in my whole life. I confronted him later and he told me it was fine because I had "made it there in time." Seriously fuck all the way off. I couldnt even fathom the insensitivity. Like I said, this was very close to the breakup, one of the last straws. After 3 years of being with this dude and having him make me late to things because of coffee, I was beyond done. That was when it all struck me that he didnt give a shit about me, not really. And that was when I knew it was over.

DaisyHope13 · 2021-08-31T14:17:45+00:00

This is such great advice! A year after graduation, one of my male friends committed suicide and my family and I attended his funeral. My LVX was angry that I had ‘ignored’ his messages, and once I told him where I was, he proceeded to ignore me for a week. Talk about lack of human decency, ugh.

thecrazywitch31 · 2021-08-31T14:14:44+00:00

That's what I feel most of the times. We're in a long distance relationship. Yes, there are times when he is genuinely busy, but then again, I've been there for him more than he has been there for me. I can't open up easily, and when I do, just "hmmm", "I understand, take care of yourself baby" are just not enough, idk.

throwaway-fds · 2021-08-31T14:26:06+00:00

Making YOUR PAIN about THEM is also a red flag. "Oh I wish I was there to take care of you </3", "I feel so bad you're in so much pain I just wanna hold you", "Seeing you hurt makes me feel so badddd."

I'm sorry about your loss as well. Fuck COVID and all the irresponsible douches that don't vax or wear masks. I almost lost my five year old nephew because of it. Take care of yourself and take things slow, queen!

Healingirl · 2021-08-31T12:17:13+00:00

Yep I would cut my losses. Definitely not the type of person I'd want to spend my life with. If anything you want a boyfriend to be your best confident...

Last_Nerve42 · 2021-08-31T16:07:00+00:00

This is an excellent behavior/personality trait to vet people on.

ububTkuc · 2021-08-31T16:14:04+00:00

A decade ago, when I worked with an autistic coworker I head that my grandmother died while at work. Sometime in the afternoon, he used his coffee breat to head over to a drug store and get me a condolence card. He signed it “I’m sad that you are sad about losing your grandma - John”.

ok if this is what a neurotypical male colleague can do for someone - why shpuld you expect less from a man you are dating?

sruslywhytho · 2021-08-31T16:04:03+00:00

Very sorry for the loss of your aunt. Also yes, it’s much better to know in advance that a man doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be with you in hard times.

Ended a relationship myself in Jan and this year I’ve lost a number of family members including my grandma. When she passed I realized how relieved I was that I’d already ended things with my lvx. Being with him and dealing with losing my grandma would of been double the stress because I’m not confident that he would of provided the support I needed. He would of been one more thing for me to worry about.

There could be a million reasons that guy reacted the way he did. But the only thing that matters is that he’s somehow decided that offering emotional support to his romantic partner is not something he’ll do or proactively learn to do. Be glad he’s shown you who he is now so you can show him the door.

mashibeans · 2021-08-31T16:07:41+00:00

Rant away, sis! You were 100% right on dumping this emotionally unavailable asshole. You bet your top dollar that if it had been him, or hell, he'd have just a cold, he'd come whining to you expecting you to coddle and baby him.

I remember when I was in college, I gave a dude a chance, and even all the way back then pre-FDS, pre-childfree, I was going through a rough time and he just tried to ignore it, and I was like "nah, this ain't the one" and cut him right off. We barely had one date and he was already calling me his girlfriend (I didn't know any better), and all I could think about after that, is that he only wanted the nice illusion of having a girlfriend and being lovey dovey, but none of the other more serious stuff in a romantic relationship like being there for each other.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a badass, I just didn't want to be bothered with it any more (it helped I wasn't sexually attracted to him, I guess). Luckily it was a LDR so it was easy to put the breaks on it.

waywardheartredeemed · 2021-08-31T13:05:00+00:00

I had one of these 😑 I can't believe I forgave him.

Hippofuzz · 2021-08-31T17:01:12+00:00

I am so sorry that your aunt has past ♥️ I wish you all the best. And you’re right, that’s a really good vet. About 10 years ago my best friend drowned.. we didn’t find her for nearly a week.. until we did. It was beyond heartbreaking honestly… my then boyfriend said: everyone dies, that’s life. Gave me the strength to break up.

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-08-31T16:23:05+00:00

Two things:

Everyone deals with death differently, you can't expect anyone to be good at it; "good" being relative, since you hope that what you need is the same as what they need.
It's enough to break up with someone over.

Some people need solitude to cope with death, some need comfort, some need something in between. If you're capable of communicating your needs and he simply didn't find it necessary to meet them, that is where your focus should be.

So yes, it was very good that you found this out sooner rather than later. Imagine this kind of reaction to you losing a parent, a close friend, a job - none of these things should go without a reaction at all from him, and it's possible that they will.

If it were me, and I know that you have not asked for advice here - If I really liked the guy, I would open a single conversation about my unmet expectations and see how he responded. You haven't written that you really like the guy, so that might not even be necessary. If you're not super into him, why even bother giving him an opportunity to make himself look better.

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