are guys allowed to roster date?

Ok-Cow2451 · 2021-11-05T02:09:01+00:00

My current BF who I met using FDS principles asked me to be his girlfriend after our third date (3 weeks in). I wasn't ready and told him he was welcome to date other people in the interim, as I was. He had a couple of dates planned but canceled them despite my answer, without my knowing so. After we were official and I asked about it casually, he said "he felt it would've been disrespectful" to continue taking other girls out.

When men know what they want, they know.

I don't believe in "exclusive", either you're my boyfriend or you're not. There's no pre-boyfriend title in my world. Same thing with living together, that's for engagement/marriage. Milestones are important.

starlight_sequence · 2021-11-05T01:32:53+00:00

Hmm... I'll have to mull on this more, but this is my knee-jerk response:

He's not doing anything "wrong" by seeing other women, especially this early on, and he was honest with you (bare minimum, but sadly rare!) But, in my experience, men who are really, really into you won't encourage you to see other men, and they won't feel a desire to date other women. They'll want to spend their time, energy, and money proving to you that they're the best option for you.

They also seem to know by the first date whether they are really, really into you. The men that have gone on to be my boyfriends have all told me later on in the relationship that they knew right away, and that they canceled any other dates that they had lined up after our first.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-11-05T04:54:01+00:00

If he doesn’t continue to peruse you for dates then it’s a red flag. If he’s still seeing other women by your 3rd date / multiple weeks it’s a red flag. He should know what he wants. A HVM is looking for the “right” one just like we are. So unless he makes his intentions clear after a few dates - which a HVM will - it’s a waste of time. Keep in mind, you’re still vetting them too so don’t throw around the HVM term!!

For this case - his wording seems very dismissive. Not a fan. He’s also encouraging you to be dating other people so I don’t think he’s that into you or he’d be scheduling another date.

BeDiamond · 2021-11-05T02:57:09+00:00

While there is nothing wrong with this guy dating others, I'd be done with him:

First of all, "fond of" is the kiss of death. You know what I'm fond of? Having a cup of hot chocolate on a crisp fall morning. The sweet little dog I see sometimes on walks. It's not a term one uses for an equal.

Second of all, his explanation comes across as both patronizing and overly blunt: "You, too, should keep looking for someone else, because while I'm fond of you, I'm still looking for the RIGHT one."

Third, if he's ENCOURAGING you to date others, you aren't special to him. When it comes to a woman they could possibly really like, most men hate competition.

Walk away from this guy. He's told you everything you need to know.

AverageToHot · 2021-11-05T01:07:05+00:00

I think this would be an interesting discussion. For me, it's okay for a guy to go on other dates for the first month since I'm still feeling him out. But if he still goes on other dates by the 4th week, it's a dealbreaker for me. I want someone who knows what he wants and is willing to pursue me full-time. Usually, if a guy is into you, he'll make it clear early on that he only wants to see you.

curiousgoblin22 · 2021-11-05T06:47:57+00:00

The red flag here isn't him rotational dating but his nonchalant reply when asked about it.

If someone really likes you, they are very unlikely to actively encourage you to date others (not even as a joke).
Even when rotational dating, people will naturally tend to be more careful around the one they like most - because they wouldn't wanna mess up their chances with them. A guy who really likes you and who was rotational dating likely would have answered in a more reassuring way & definitely would not be encouraging you to date others.
A guy who's so nonchalant about you dating others either a) doesn't really like you / is keeping you as a backup, or b) is priming to ask for an open relationship down the line.

seadragon6 · 2021-11-05T02:40:59+00:00

We can’t be sure any man is a HVM. And I’m not trying to be disrespectful toward you, but I’m not sure it was the time for you to ask—that isn’t Queen energy. I recommend reading The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches to give clear guidelines on dating and how to stay unfazed during the beginning stages.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-11-05T04:06:28+00:00

His whole wording bothers me.

It's overly formal and cool in tone, using the word fond, usually this is to hold people at a distance and encourage a feeling of his own superiority. Fond is a very lukewarm word as well. Red flag. It's defensive "you should too". Also the way he's subtly positions her as being in the way of finding the right woman for him if she thinks there is a problem here.

Also he must be asking out a lot of women to have to he is currently dating since most men don't have many options. Also another bad sign because it shows that he's not really looking for someone who's actually compatible with him but for probably sex.

If you enjoy your time with him you could always allow him to take you out on a second date and pay for everything and see how you feel about it. I really don't think it would be productive though and could just lead to problems.

He's probably fucking her.

aluriaphin · 2021-11-05T02:52:57+00:00

Ladies, all of this is in the handbook... Firstly, you have no idea if he is actually a HVM, you should NOT be giving him the benefit of any doubt. This is after ONE date, he's a stranger!

Secondly, it is expected that a HVW will continue to see multiple men for around three months before considering committing to a relationship. For a HVM it's more like 4-6 weeks to two months tops. This is because men usually know very quickly if they are interested in a serious commitment with a woman whereas a lady needs time to seriously vet a man. After a single date there is absolutely nothing wrong with him continuing to date (NOT sleep with) other women.

I DO believe a man should be discreet about any other connections, however it sounds like you "found out" somehow and then asked him point-blank so it would have been a red flag had he lied and said anything else. If you "found out" anyway except him telling you then it sounds like he's doing everything right. If he told you himself that he had a date with someone else then that's a possible red flag (definitely a turn-off for me personally, it feels like a lack of tact and possible attempt at triangulation aka "playing you off one another").

Again, you two are strangers. Just as you would be a fool to put all your eggs in his basket right now he is not doing anything wrong by not instantly dropping everyone else in his life for you. He just needs to be discerning and NOT stringing multiple women along - a man will know by the two month mark if he sees a future with a woman and if he doesn't he NEEDS to let her go or else he is certainly a LVM.

Wilkersonla · 2021-11-05T02:29:49+00:00

“Should” is a word my abuser uses during confrontations or when he’s mad about something I did or didn’t do. He always tells me what I should do. Would a HVM tell you what you should do this early on? No, he would simply establish his boundaries. So if he ended where the semicolon is, I’d not think the response was a red flag. He almost responded like there was a problem. He assumed a problem it seems like. Like he wanted to make sure you didn’t complain or tell him what to do. Like he went into “control this” or “damage control” mode

This is basically new territory so I could be reading too much into this. Keep your guard up a long, long time if you proceed, even after becoming exclusive.

FUBARfromLSA · 2021-11-05T13:34:05+00:00

You are prematurely calling this guy a HVM, there’s no way to determine that after only one or two dates- please read the handbook, it will save you a lot of heartache and trouble.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-11-05T14:32:59+00:00

From my personal experience, men know very quickly that they can't risk losing you to another man. They free their time for me and show a lot of enthusiasm.

So hell no, he wouldn't be suggesting you dating other men if he was excited about you. No matter how honest his answer appears, he isn't going to put an effort into dating you.

What's worse in my opinion is that he subtly created this competitive environment so every time you go on a date with him you would be judged against other women that he dates and subconsciously would feel pressured to outperform them.

arnezuara · 2021-11-05T01:51:20+00:00

He might be triangulating you or dipping his toes to test how much disrespect you will accept. A HVM man who is into you will not say anything to scare you off.

Proceed very cautiously with this guy, pull away. Keep dating other men.

Also: “so I can find the right woman” pretty much translates to you “you’re not the right woman”. Be careful!

grunge_64 · 2021-11-05T04:37:07+00:00

Well, while he isn't terrible because he told you the truth and wasn't being controlling, he's just not that into you. Lol.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-11-05T02:00:17+00:00

Yeah it's the right thing to do, until you have a discussion about being exclusive.

What's important is why this got brought up. Did you ask? Did he? If he did unprompted, I guarantee he's not too into you. If you prodded (don't ever do this on a first date), he was honest.

peacockstrutt · 2021-11-05T02:00:23+00:00

How do you know he's a HVM after one date? I feel like once sex enters the picture, that's when dating other people should stop, but I guess we need to spell it out for dudes since they like to have their cake and eat it, too. For him to say this to you, he doesn't seem all that interested in you. Don't allow him to rent headspace. Block and delete.

asocialsocialite · 2021-11-05T07:47:28+00:00

Hell yes, this is a big red flag.

If it's one thing that men aren't, it's subtle. If he's trying to do the whole "I'm fond of you" shtick, it means that he wants to fuck you, but he's going to always have his feelers out for someone that he values more. If he's trying to be 'subtle', it's because he's on bullshit and is being deceptive.

Also, please stop referring to randos as 'HVM'. HVM are vetted.

Because it's so early on, he'd be crazy to not multidate if he didn't feel anything for you the same way you would be crazy to not multidate if you didn't feel anything for him. This begs the question - is he the only person that you have something going on with?

throwawaynevermindit · 2021-11-05T03:50:54+00:00

By default it's more sus for a man to multi-date than for a woman to do it, yes. Usually a man with a roster would be having sex with all of them if he could: potential is high for it to turn into a harem/string along situation and > 50% of the time that is the man's ideal. Or, if you're the last woman standing after the others ditch him for his indecisiveness, he'll settle for you and pretend you're his pick.

The same simply isn't as likely to be true for women.

My bf canceled dates with another woman a few dates in with me, whereas I was still talking to other men up until we had the exclusivity convo. Granted I didn't demand it, he just did it.

This apparent "double standard" isn't one in truth, if you look at the very different reasons men and women tend to have for multidating. Reality tells me that a man dating around and a woman dating around are different situations with different motivations and implications, so I see no need to treat them just the same.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-11-05T07:29:00+00:00

It sounds a bit like he's keeping you as an option instead of his main 'goal' to date. Also, men are the ones who are meant to pursue women and women are meant to pick and choose their man from their pool of suitors. He's acting like he's the woman and picking and choosing whom to date out of the pool of women who like him, instead of actively and consistently pursuing the one woman he desires.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-11-05T04:22:47+00:00

I dont think its a red flag or that he is doing anything wrong, but its quite telling to me intuitivly that his response suggests that he is dating multiple women and being honest about it to feel ethical etc, but when he knows he knows and he won't date other women and wont want her to either. That said Id say maybe more than a single date for him to know

ms_monquis · 2021-11-05T14:34:22+00:00

If you're both sport dating, then I suppose it wouldn't matter.

If you're dating with an eye toward long term commitment, it would.

PossibleCook · 2021-11-05T01:34:36+00:00

The rule in FDS is to keep a roster until you have the conversation and officially make it official. I don’t see why we shouldn’t expect HVM to do the same. I’d personally feel like a hypocrite. Especially since you two have only gone out on one date. However I agree with the commenter before me that after roughly a month both people should know if the relationship is going anywhere or not.

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-05T11:10:05+00:00

I wouldn't say so, but it's not something that should ever be pointed out unprompted by either side, even though both know that it happens and it's basically the definition of dating.

This is a sensitive topic and having to directly confront the reality of what the other person is doing with other people can ruin attraction or taint it, since dating is also a transitional phase between being strangers and monogamous partners.

It's technically acceptable for him to do that, and it's acceptable for you to feel weird about it, especially considering what he said when you confronted him.

repurposedschleem · 2021-11-05T12:45:34+00:00

How did you “find out?”

It’s the “fond” and the “should” for me. You’re not his priority and you definitely don’t actually know he’s HV this early on. Man is a complete stranger.

I’d bench him entirely/move him down in your roster if I were in your shoes.

When I was going on dates, my now HVM told me around date 3 unprompted, after he booked up my own schedule (3 very nice, unique dates in about 10 days) that he had canceled his other dates and wanted to focus on me. And then he asked what I thought about it.

I always assumed men roster dated (not slept with) if he was HV, not to the extent or length we do, but definitely taking multiple women out while he found the right one. Dating me and only me right off the bat actually felt yellow-flag to me, as if I were the only one interested, or he thought he was settling lol.

shockingupdate · 2021-11-05T04:23:20+00:00

Despite the fact that I think women with rosters operate differently than men with rosters, I also believe both should be able to date however many people they wants, so long as they’re still single. That said, if he’s encouraging you to see other people, I don’t think you’re on his shortlist. If he were really trying to be with you long-term, he’d have considered your question about him seeing other people as an opportunity to tell you so. If he wanted to, he would.

bearded_dragonlady · 2021-11-05T16:51:47+00:00

Don't ask men if they are seeing other people. Especially this early on. You should watch their actions and interest levels carefully, which should tell you all you need to know.

daisy_0720 · 2021-11-05T16:58:09+00:00

Just going to leave this here...

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/igufgh/men_and_women_multiple_dating_are_not_the_same/

Also: no man alive who is truly into you would encourage you to be dating other men. Literally none. Drop him.

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-05T04:18:18+00:00

It’s called rotating dating, i mean you need to do that to not catch feelings so soon and became blind lol. I mean he won’t fall in love that soon so he can date other women too if it’s really nothing serious between you two

Japanese-Spaghetti · 2021-11-05T04:10:31+00:00

I believe that you are single until you are married. If this bothers you it is your choice to discuss, but know that dating partner or girlfriend are titles that really hold little to no value. I suggest you roster date whenever you’re dating

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-11-05T14:38:30+00:00

To not parrot the other questions (since I was stumped at first) and this may be a stretch, but “seeing other men” reeks of “sex-pozzi” to me. It could just be me though. If you like him keep up with it but I’d be skeptical from now on.

TempDetect · 2021-11-06T01:15:23+00:00

Exit quickly.

Title	are guys allowed to roster date?
Author	sallyR1999
Upvotes	161
Comments	55
Date	November 4, 2021 7:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qmskx9/are_guys_allowed_to_roster_date/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/are-guys-allowed-to-roster-date.1085888 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085888

Comments