Was your dad an HVM?

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-12-18T00:12:03+00:00

My dad is amazing, he’s the reason I can’t settle for less. He cooked, cleaned, washed, and ironed , did at least 50% of the child rearing labor, and never expected any praise. For every birthday, Christmas, Valentines, anniversary and Mother’s Day, he’s spoiling my mom with flowers and gifts-and this is after nearly 40 years of marriage. They were high school sweethearts and he’s never looked away from her. He still brags about how pretty his wife is to strangers.

jijitsu-princess · 2021-12-17T20:17:56+00:00

Mine was an alcoholic, beer belly, and couldn’t keep a job. Now he’s in his 70s and can’t do a damn thing except wheeze and grunt whenever he moves.

JulyParade · 2021-12-17T23:27:50+00:00

I'm happy to see so many of you had HVM dads! I didn't. I asked my mom to divorce my dad when I was about 8 years old. Even a child could see that we would do better on our own. I didn't know until adulthood how right I was! My grandfather was supporting us financially, not my father. I saw my parents kiss 3 times in my whole life and twice was posing for photos. He is the king of weaponized incompetence. Today my siblings won't let him be alone around their kids - good for them!

europoor24 · 2021-12-17T22:49:46+00:00

Total narcissistic NVM, reading some of these comments I’d rather have had at least a LVM dad. Serial cheater over decades. Financial abuse. Left us for a woman decades younger. Let us struggle financially when he had the opposite upbringing. If it were up to him he would leave us with no inheritance at all. Negative value beer bellied loser. I could go on.

iggypiggyfiggy · 2021-12-17T21:31:23+00:00

My dad was one of the most wonderful and high-value men I’ve ever met. I was extremely lucky to have him as a model of what a good partner should be. Although my mom and I didn’t have a great relationship, I was definitely daddy’s little girl. He loved me more than anything and never gave up on me. He took time to take me out for nice dinners, he would read to me, call me and text me every single day. He passed away a few years ago and I miss him so much. He adored my mom. Like just would move heaven and earth to make her happy. Flowers for no reason, he would help with all the chores, constant I love you’s. There’s soooo many wonderful examples I can think of honestly. I miss him so much and I will never settle for less than that because he would never want me to. The worlds a darker place without him here.

OldWestStyle · 2021-12-17T18:44:21+00:00

I consider my father high-value for his generation. He's definitely a typical conservative Boomer Midwestern male. He's practically emotionless - very neutral all the time. My dad has never once raised his voice at anyone. He has never shown the slightest hint of anger. He's prudish almost to a hilarious degree - if you've ever seen King of the Hill, that's my dad. He just gets up, goes to work, and spends his time fixing things, or making things, or looking for things, or hunting.

My father is the epitome of a family man and a good community member. His main goal in life is to make sure his family is taken care of. He worked his ass off and still does. He'll fix anything for anyone, will lend a hand to a stranger anytime and invite them over for a beer afterwards. He's literally the hardest working man I know. I spent most of my life terrified of disappointing him, and never knowing if I was or not, because he shows no emotion one way or another. He's funny in his own way. Sometimes I wonder if he's on the spectrum because the world of emotions seems very foreign and uncomfortable to him.

Maybe he isn't this sub's definition of high-value, and I would never date a man like him because I need a strong emotional connection, but he raised me and my brother to be good people. I'm from a small town and literally everybody knows my dad and has a good story about him. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about him, ever. He's the classic old-school protector and provider type, but without the misogyny.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-18T00:47:09+00:00

My Dad is LV to me. He taught me that even though he has HV traits and attitudes and put together well enough that it's still not enough when I'm a sensitive person who needs bonding and understanding. He is bare minimum at best and mocking and abusive at worse.

He's also taught me that if he wanted to he would. He loves my Mom and he another example of a man who took one look at my Mom and said "I want to marry her"

If I don't get that I don't want it! So I've got mixed feelings about my Dad.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-17T19:21:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Nevermore_Dreary · 2021-12-17T23:49:09+00:00

My birth father was/is a NVM. Multiple wives (think he married five times? My mom was wife #3 I know that much), racist, poked holes in the condom to get my mom to stay with him due to religious pressure surrounding childbirth and being married. He went on to violate four of my half sisters, and one took her own life due to it. He is in prison for 34 years, and is expected to get out in 2049. He was financially abusive towards my mom, physically abusive, and mentally abusive. The man faked everything until he THOUGHT he had my mom trapped with a ring on her finger at five months pregnant. She divorced him when I was four months old.

My step father - the man I call dad - has been in the picture since I was three. He has worked multiple jobs at once, went to College while working two jobs to help pay for food and bills, and has a degree in Criminal Justice, just like my mom. While he was never able to get into the field due to us living in a small town (everyone knew everyone, and if you weren't related to big people you weren't going anywhere) he still provided, and continues to do so today. Sure, he works a factory job, but he has a Master's in Criminal Justice. They have a nice house, 20 acres of land, and are living happily together.

I am so, so thankful for my dad. While his name might not be on my birth certificate he gave me anything and everything I could have ever wanted. Food, a roof over my head, gifts, love, and care. I hate how things went with my mama when she was younger, but dammit if I ain't happy that what happened led her to my dad.

EDIT
Not to mention he treats my mom like an absolute queen. On his days off he will take her out on dates, wine and dine her, flirts like he's still trying to win her over, and tries he damndest to help with chores. He works 12 hour shifts, 12 days in a row (off every other weekend), and still tries to help as much as he is physically able to. When I lived with them (moved out nearly a year ago) they had an amazing personal life, and I doubt me moving out has changed that at all. Despite my half brother coming into the picture nearly 11 years ago, he has ALWAYS treated me as if I were his own.

His own father is a LVM, and his mother is a LVW. He learned from their mistakes - their yelling, and arguing, and bickering, and fighting. He has NEVER raised his voice to my mama, and while there have been small arguments there has never been fights. The biggest thing I've seen them argue about was what color to paint the bedroom walls, and even then it was a polite disagreement. I am truly grateful that my dad is a HVM, and I am so glad for my mother, and for myself, that she met him at that dead-end job.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-17T18:13:14+00:00

He was HV in that he was super responsible, loving, caring, kind overall. However, he was a Boomer, and although he tried to keep up with the times, at the end of his life, the last couple of decades, he just couldn't. He also by that time had watched Faux Noise all the time for years. Men get more conservative/fearful as they get older; women get more radical.

My father passed August 2021 at age 91. His older brother, my uncle, is still alive and kicking at 93! Their mother, my grandmother, passed at 93, too. He taught me so much, but some of the things he taught me weren't intentional. It's because of him I started in single digits down the road of feminism, although he and my late mother were pretty darn progressive back in the 70s and 80s, for both being adult children of alcoholics. Fortunately their coping method was to be super stable.

My dad was emotionally ham-fisted, but he meant well, and he always tried to err on the side of kindness.

thatsmisswitchtoyou · 2021-12-17T19:46:23+00:00

This is difficult in a way because while my father was great in these areas: sacrificing for his family, hard working, and generous. He was/is also sexist, stubborn, refuses to listen to the experiences of his daughters/other women, always "jokes" about mother's weight etc, victim blames, weaponizes religion, and I'm sure there's more.

While I've always had a hard time with him and his opinions, he would be the very first person to help in a crisis or even if you just don't know how to/don't feel comfortable doing something. I also observed how.. odd his relationship with my mother was growing up. I see how he interacts with and defends other men. I could tell him X thing and he would disagree or not understand, but if my husband tells him it is completely different and somehow makes sense.

It's such a mixed bag because he fit(s) the "traditional fatherly role" of putting family first and taking care of the family needs, but when it comes to us as people.. us as women...ooof

nolongerhume · 2021-12-18T00:50:06+00:00

Nope. He's changed a lot over the years (for the better) but I do think my mom deserves better.

However my maternal grandfather is an HVM. I spent a lot of my childhood with my grandparents, and seeing how he treated my grandmother planted in my head standards to expect long before I even found FDS (sadly my parents relationship was basically "what not to do"). My grandparents were both active in my upbringing and made up for so many things that my parents lacked. And to this day they still help out with my sister's children. Truly wonderful people. They're the standard that I judge everyone against, and it's never steered me wrong.

This is why, if you plan on having children, it is so important to vet your spouse. They will not only impact your life, but even future generations. You want to make sure it's a positive effect.

ARealDame · 2021-12-18T00:37:54+00:00

Alcoholic, hated having kids, suicide at age 55 when I was 9.

My mom had to start with nothing, plus a broken heart, at 50.

She worked very hard to support us.

But he ruined her life almost.

spaghettiforhair · 2021-12-17T19:14:17+00:00

Every man and woman in my family is high value as fuck. I know what high value looks like from them and I'll never settle for less.

Level-upd · 2021-12-17T19:51:56+00:00

My dad was HVM in every sense, with me. He would drive for hours to pick me up, he would come from the other side of town to bring me cooked meals, he was honest and vulnerable, he did so much for me (he died this last January and I am devistated), he spoke to me about my life plans, he was friendlyybbest friend while keeping his “dad” demeanour and not enmeshing me. I think when he married my mom he did not act high value with her because he didn’t realize it, we come from an East European country where men are raised to be LVM and they were both like 22. But my dad grew into a HVM as my mom grew into an internalized mysoginst and a total cool girl pickmeisha. She was the real toxic issue- she couldn’t express what she wanted from my dad or from me. She resented both of us and just lived with us w/o saying anything until we moved to a western country and she left my dad. Growing up she put me down for being clingy, needy, acting like a dumb woman. My dad tried to express himself and talk to her and do anything for her but she called him emotional and feminine and ended up cheating on him with a complete mysoginst that had nothing but a tough shell and was a total workaholic. He was straight up about hating all children and my mom didn’t even find that a red flag. She stayed with this man and started a successful business with him while totally resenting me and neglecting me and letting her new bf hate on me. I didn’t realize I should have moved with my dad, I stayed and became a low-confidence, low-value woman myself, as my mom’s confidence grew and derived from this business her new bf started (with her)- basically bossing her around and telling her what to do. Eventually he died and she had to take care of him for 4 years as he sadly battled cancer. The guy would not budge on creating a healthy lifestyle though- all he did was work and all my mom did was cater to his every need…. She couldn’t stand soft men anymore and had to have this total cold mysoginst telling her what to do.

Disastrous-Tasks · 2021-12-17T18:21:05+00:00

My dad is the most HVM I’ve ever met and probably ever will. The only trait that doesn’t apply to him is that he isn’t generous, but practical. Though that’s how he taught me to live and it’s only ever paid off.

He was a single dad for about half of my child hood and I wouldn’t be here without him. Love you dad

FireEbonyashes · 2021-12-17T20:52:14+00:00

Mine wasn’t even there to give him a rating. My ex-stepdad and uncles were LVM though.

apommom · 2021-12-17T19:46:22+00:00

I would argue there’s so such thing as an MVM. If he’s not HV then he’s LV - it’s not an insult, just a qualifier.

IhreWerbungHier · 2021-12-17T20:41:37+00:00

NVM i have to say. I needed lots of therapy to see this. I was allways thinking "at least i have a dad". He adopted me and i tought this means something. He choose me. But no dad is betther than: A dad that who will drag you down to his level if he sees you happy, because he is unhappy. A dad who tortured you mentaly (one example was he wouldnt allow me to start a new hobby, because he had to buy aquipment. Told me how stupid it was. But next day would buy it for me and told me i better use it, so it was not a weist of money, while allways complaining angrily whenever he would see me caring for this hobby).

Later it was hard on my mother to leave him, but we where free. Pisspoor, but no tyrant was at home waiting. I tell you all he did unspeakable things that were perfectly legal but very abusive.

corkymuu · 2021-12-18T00:23:15+00:00

Surprisingly evenly distributed.

schildmaiden · 2021-12-18T00:43:56+00:00

My dad was such a LVM that he didn’t even exist in my life.

So the only father figure I had was my grandpa and he was an HVM. My grandma just recently asked me what kind of man I want and I said someone like my grandma. She said that she is not sure if such man still exist. haha

18January · 2021-12-18T00:04:53+00:00

Mine was a complete NVM. I cannot think of a single positive thing to say about him, other than my family is significantly better off without him.

FormerFeatherWeight · 2021-12-18T00:51:02+00:00

My dad is still a HVM although I dated a LVM for a while, I blame It on my mother who was and is an physically/verbally/emotionally abusive narcissist until I escaped to my dad's full time at 12/13ish and had 3 husband's before I was 6.

Now I refuse to date anyone who won't treat me as good as my dad treats my step-mom. She's got a compromised immune system so when I was younger he supported both of them, and always put a ton of thought into the gifts he got/made her. For example last Christmas he straight up learned how to woodwork and built her an absolutely gorgeous vanity after she mentioned she couldn't find any online she liked.

still_not_a_dinosaur · 2021-12-18T01:46:30+00:00

I would say decently high, once he got his life straight. Was the typical high-school stoner, didn't go to college, somehow Mom let him hang around, but when she got pregnant with my older sister, he quit partying, enrolled and got his associate's degree, and didn't drink anything other than Odouls (ick) for the next 22 years. So he shaped up!

Jeniroo2 · 2021-12-18T11:19:46+00:00

Does anyone feel as though their HVM dad makes dating harder?

Id obviously never be without my dad but I feel like the knowledge that decent men exist makes it so much more obvious that so many are LVM

ayanyagmur · 2021-12-17T20:28:35+00:00

My dad was the most high value man i met. In fact I didn’t know how low value men could be before I stepped in the dating world, I thought every man was like him. Responsible, caring, always puts his kids and wife first, cooked and cleaned for his kids actual meals and was a skilled cook, never missed a single milestone. I thought every man I dated would me more or less like him, he was the most perfect man I ever met. Ofc reality hit me hard and I saw that most men sucked.

Im in tears now, I miss you dad

ConnieCapybara · 2021-12-18T08:56:43+00:00

My father, without a shadow of a doubt, is a major piece of shit. I can write an epic novel of all the horrible evil shit he's done to the people I love and all the damage he's left behind due to his actions, or in alot of cases, inaction. It comes from the bottom of my heart when I say I absolutely hate this man and I will celebrate and feel immense peace when he finally kicks the bucket.

Invisiblescars_123 · 2021-12-18T12:28:20+00:00

My dad definitely is a NVM. When my mom miscarried, he forced her to go to the hospital herself, undergo the abortion, and pay for it. He lets his mother degrade her by calling her a gold digger (just because his family is rich). Funny thing is that my dad is paying for his own property (I think a $6 mil house) but he stays with my mom and I in my mom’s house (he only paid for about 15% of this house, making my mom pay for everything else). My mom has covered almost all of my expenses growing up, and my dad always makes a fuss about paying for any of my expenses. I remember I had anaphylaxis once and my dad was the only one there. He refused to let the doctor call an ambulance and insisted on driving me to the hospital himself. He was yelling at me throughout the entire ride. Somehow, having an adverse allergic reaction was MY fault. I had to call my boyfriend down and the nurses at the hospital had to escort him out since he was scaring me. I had another anaphylactic reaction about a month or two later and he asked me why I always fell ill. =_=

He verbally abuses my mom and constantly demeans her. He’ll say that he’s more intelligent than her and that she can’t do anything by herself, even though she’s a director at a law firm and my dad only runs a company due to his family’s connections.

CoconutJasmineBombe · 2021-12-17T22:00:03+00:00

Thank god my Dad still “is” since he’s still alive and I’m excited to see him this Xmas! Condolences for all the ladies who’ve lost their fathers.

xfelugirlx · 2021-12-18T06:57:26+00:00

I’ll say he is medium value because he always take care of us, economically and all the academic stuff.

But he has some reasonings and attitudes that i don’t like and some thinking that he stills keeps because of his culture but he is average after all. My mother is the hvw queen of that relationship

howdoilogoutt · 2021-12-18T15:38:39+00:00

My dad has a short fuse, his temper is what I always have resented. Whilst in all other aspects he is a good dad, who cooks, cleans, and cares for his daughters it is his temper that lets him down. Once he got so mad he called me a bitch, my boyfriend however has never raised his voice at anyone, I was very careful not to date any man who showed any slight hint of anger issues. Can't stand aggressive men.

headlikeacaroussel · 2021-12-17T20:35:04+00:00

NVM. Creepy highschool teacher who cheated on my mother and shit talked her because she wouldn't worship his broke ass. Died in a stupid way when I was 8.

23eggz · 2021-12-18T02:55:14+00:00

Considering my dad just told both my mom and I to shut the fuck up when we were helping him access his own damn covid results so that HE can go own his OWN DAMN VACATION... I think that answers the question. Emotional maturity of a toddler

MeatClownFunHouse · 2021-12-17T18:42:07+00:00

My dad is definitely LV, he's a complicated man with entirely unchecked depression and a complete disregard for his own health and happiness. Every generous, romantic, or even just bare bones nice thing he's done for my mom was something he could do with as little effort as humanly possible, and frequently were things that someone else handed to him that he could just pass off as his own. He has always needed a woman to mommy him, wanted the "traditional" roles but still needed my mom's second income working weekends and eventually full time during our childhood, while expecting her to do 100% of the household management. When my mom had finally saved enough to ask for a divorce and move out, he said "what took you so long?" and that little phrase has affected so much of how I've looked at dating since.

After the divorce he moved back to his hometown and almost immediately got a live-in girlfriend 20 years his junior with her own kids, and I only speak to him on major holidays at this point. The woman he "chose" (or maybe just what he could get at this point, I've tried my best not to know her) is absolutely nothing like my incredible mom, which also really took me back. What did he love about my mother if the next woman he's with is this LV? Or was it always just about what she did for him, how much she sacrificed to make his life easy and give him the status of family man at work and around his friends?

It's a blessing and a curse - while it would've been nice to have a great example of a man in my life, he did teach me a lot about the kind of relationships I don't want and won't settle for.

melympia · 2021-12-17T19:56:58+00:00

When I was younger, my father sure was LV as a father and probably closer to NV as a husbamd. However, he later strayed more into NV territory as a father, too. Damn, I voted wrong (LVM).

Oops.

lucyintheskywithd · 2021-12-18T00:54:15+00:00

No but he was a really great dad. Totally different as a father than as a husband.

From_Heaven_Hill · 2021-12-18T01:28:25+00:00

NVM 100%. NPD, Bipolar, and a functional drug addict. He was emotionally abusive to not only me but also to my mom and my sister. I've also been beaten by him a few times. Now, he is has dementia and I am not sure how to feel. Suffice it to say, I had to parent myself and made a lot of mistakes with men. I hooked up way too much for several years, and sometimes hoped that some of these hook ups would materialize into a relationship. I started going my own way at 26 and never looked back. I am the black sheep of my family. None of my relatives give a crap about me; they side with him because he is a convincing liar. I still struggle and I wonder if I have childhood PTSD. I am 50 now. I am in therapy to learn how to heal from this. Until I decided to marry someone who was the complete opposite of him when I was 29, I found peace. My father in law is 100% HV.

thangsnstufff · 2021-12-18T01:32:53+00:00

My NV, narcissistic, alcoholic father unfortunately led me to date several LVM with substance abuse issues, all due to the fact that I never got the attention and true love from him that I craved. So I sought him out in partners. My mother should have divorced him a million years ago, I truly believe she stays with him because she knows that if she sends him out on his own he will literally die.

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-12-18T22:24:14+00:00

Im very skeptical of the HVM tally considering how many women come here talking about their HVM who’s so obviously a dud.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-12-17T19:38:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

flowerpower102938 · 2021-12-18T06:50:50+00:00

I wish there was an inbetween hvm and lvm lol.

Only for dad's, not other men

Usual-Vegetable-3638 · 2021-12-18T04:28:04+00:00

My father is in the spectrum between hvm and lvm.

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2021-12-18T22:14:10+00:00

I never knew my bio dad but my father figures in my early life were HVM

Wise-Jelly · 2021-12-19T02:21:38+00:00

Sometimes I wonder if having a HVM skewed dating for me. I just assumed men were automatically like my dad, uncle, grandfather, etc. NOPE. The majority having HVM fathers makes sense because it is such a disillusionment.

I've had several scrotes say "I'm not your dad.." when I ask for basic human decency.

2021-12-19T04:41:29+00:00

My dad has treated every woman in his life like shit.

Physically, emotionally, psychologically berates them. Screams, yells, gets physically violent. Cheats on all of them - I have an illegitimate half sister. Discards them emotionally. Puts himself first. Doesn’t take any accountability for his actions.

I’ve dated some real losers. I was conditioned from a young age to accept this behaviour. The best thing my mom ever did was leave him, but he was still in my life and he treated me just as badly (my sister too - she barely knows him).

I cut him out of my life a few months ago and realized I CAN set boundaries for the men in my life - for ALL the men in my life.

SolunaJune · 2021-12-19T16:17:06+00:00

Can just anyone vote on these polls? Or only people flaired by mods?

Title	Was your dad an HVM?
Author	greatornothing
Upvotes	31
Comments	70
Date	December 17, 2021 5:31 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rimgal/was_your_dad_an_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/was-your-dad-an-hvm.1091948 https://theredarchive.com/post/1091948

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