Made a mistake and fell backwards. Devastated and need help with feeling grounded back into the real world. “If he wanted to, he would.” has never hurt so bad.

In a previous post; I mentioned an age gap situationship I was in for 2 years (he’s 38, I’m 23). I fucked up ladies. I reached out to him and found myself more broken than I already was over it. He told me he’s met someone he’s begun to like whom he mentally reconnected with from high school at his friend’s wedding. He said they talk often and he doesn’t know what it will become.

I don’t know, I guess it’s all hitting me at once. The fact I probably wasn’t valued as a human being the way he values this woman his age, but as an 18-early twenties body. He barely communicated with me before, I’ve never been a priority. I’ve always received less than the bare minimum from him. I guess knowing he sounds prepared to give her everything I was always not, makes me feel so stupid. He’s made me cry myself to sleep more times than I can count. How do you ladies forgive yourself for accepting LVM in the past??

How can I forgive myself for allowing my youth to be drained by an older man. I feel manipulated because he keeps saying he still cares about me, just in a different way now. But he doesn’t right??? Because if he did, he would have made me orgasm. He would have said happy birthday, he would have wanted to give me a gift and affection. I would have been taken out on real dates, not just taken to his home to be used. I feel gaslit whenever he claims to love me as a person, despite it not being romantic love - because I don’t think this is how I would treat people I love… I’m going to take a break from all dating until I heal myself from this.

He tried to turn it around and say I only cared about him because he was older and tall. As if I didn’t and don’t have that opportunity with other men of that description every day and night if I wanted to. He argued that it was the same, since he had the opportunity to sleep with other young petite women - it means he chose me because he values me… LMFAOOOOOOO OKAY???

I’m almost speechless at this point. Block and delete forever is what I need to do, I understand. But I’m still so shaken up by how much time and emotional turmoil I’ve allowed myself to go through for someone so mediocre.

Edit; I am reading every single comment more than 3 times because the support here means the world to me sisters, thank you and I’m sorry for letting you down. I’ll work hard to do better and to be better. 🤍