Is There Any Real Way To Marry the Right One?

fewdo · 2022-06-25T12:31:24+00:00

After you have kids with someone, your presence in the kids life is entirely at the woman's whim. If you don't keep her happy, they're gone. If you disagree about some future political issue, they're gone. If you don't let her spend enough, they're gone. If she ever finds someone with more money, they're gone. And she gets to keep spending your money.

Consider living someplace where dads default to 50/50 time with kids in divorce.

I had been fairly liberal but now I'm thinking that conservatives take long term relationships more seriously. On the other hand, my conservative parents don't like each other even though they have more than 50 yrs together.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-06-25T12:45:56+00:00

The fairytale of marriage is not real life. 50% divorce, another 30% married but not happy, 10% planning divorce, 5% content with marriage, 5% happily married. These are my stats. It was amazing how many 'happy' couples asked me divorce questions or tell me they are not happy after i got divorced. Movies, TV, books, and social media are a lie.

What is the benefit of marriage? Keep in mind that about 75-80% of divorces are filed by women. Why do you think that is? Read up on the true nature of women in relationships. Not all women act on it, but the percentages are not good. Go listen to 'The Marriage Wheel' by coach greg adams on Youtube. And don't be like me and say 'my wife would never do that to me'. Educate yourself and make an inforned decision. I got 2 great kids but got hammered on everything else. I basically started over at 42. Don't be me.

Dogdad27 · 2022-06-25T12:05:07+00:00

Take your time. Travel the world and don’t even think about getting married anytime soon. Even after you find the “one”, people change over time. It’s all a gamble.

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-06-25T12:13:05+00:00

No. You never know the real person she is until you meet her in divorce court. All you can do is try your hardest whilst making sure you are protected as much as possible. Ideally don’t get married at all.

Dell_Hell · 2022-06-25T15:09:00+00:00

The medical field (especially if you are going to be in residency / hospital) is notoriously awful on relationships.

The long hours, weird shifts, physical and psychological demands - and young, attractive people passionate about what they do right near you who "understand what you're going through" makes it a giant pool of adultery and cheating.

Do not get serious with anyone until you're fully established and in a stable practice outside the hospital setting.

skotman01 · 2022-06-25T12:17:46+00:00

Write down what you want in a partner. Do this every so often. When you find someone you think you’d like to partner with, go look at what you wrote, ask them to write same and see if they line up. Give them yours after the fact too.

It’s not perfect, I did my first one 12 years to late.

KeepFighting-92020 · 2022-06-25T13:00:37+00:00

There are no soulmates only groups of women we tend to be slightly more compatible with but that doesn’t prevent separation over time. Marriage is a risk weigh all your options before you commit to any woman. You are young don’t even think about settling down until you have career established. Read “The Rationale Male” books and good luck too you!

76ersPhan11 · 2022-06-25T15:12:09+00:00

All I have to say is…. Fuck marriage

Big_Apple-3A_M · 2022-06-25T14:40:20+00:00

My advice is to wait till your 30s. I think sometimes people change in their 20s as they get into adulthood. Once you get to that point take things slow. Do not rush into anything and listen to your own intuition as well as family and friends. If something feels off don’t ignore it. If this person passes that check and things get serious discuss anything and everything that’s important to you personally and what you would think you might want in a marriage. Do not get married without doing pre marital counseling. They will help you see if there’s something that might be an issue and be willing to accept this should it happen. Lastly do not expect that this person will ever, ever change. Whatever bad habits, character traits, etc will be there for the rest of your life and you must be willing to live with it otherwise don’t go through with it. I think you can find happiness in marriage however it’s not easy to find.

Smoke-Porterhouse · 2022-06-25T15:36:31+00:00

Wow - lots of different opinions in here. I will add mine. First, the context:

I've been married and divorced twice. I had a stepchild in my first marriage who I was close to. In my second marriage, she had a young child coming into the marriage and then we had a child together. I am very close to both children.

First marriage was very brief - 2 years barely. Second marriage was 15 years.

My parents were married for almost 50 years — they both had been in previous marriages.

I am incredibly happy right now in my life. I also still believe in the institution of marriage.

Upon reflection, I can see looking back that I failed to solidly my relationship with myself, first and foremost, before entering a serious relationship. I absolutely agree with everyone who encourages you to travel, live life, and engage in all of those things that connect you to your true self. This process never ever involves another person. We've heard those lines in films: "you complete me" — total rubbish in my opinion. The only person who can complete you is you.

At some point, you may meet someone who has also gone through the same process for themselves. If you both like spending time together, while also having your own lives and selves as nonnegotiable entities to be preserved... then perhaps you all could move towards marriage.

The idea of "the one" or even "a one" is so flawed and toxic to humanity. John Kim (The Angry Therapist) has a good bit on this.

Best of luck completing medical school and living your life.

TheYankeeFist · 2022-06-25T21:55:48+00:00

I'm in the middle of my 3rd divorce, so I would not recommend the "trial and error" approach.

akihonj · 2022-06-25T15:12:11+00:00

Listen dude, you've been fed a mental diet of Disney bullshit.

Women want the wedding but not the marriage. If they did divorce wouldn't be as high as it is and climbing. Accounting for the fall in marriage divorce is sky rocketing.

Do you know that as long as you're fit and healthy and working and always higher socially and financially than your spouse you stand a chance she won't divorce you, the moment your health gets bad, the moment she gets a promotion even if she is earning less than you if she gets promoted to a socially higher status she will think less of you.

If a woman is divorced she is about twice as likely to file for a second divorce and almost certain to if it's her third marriage.

The divorce rate goes about 50% first time, 83% second time and 93% third time.

At this rate, even though current stats are about half of all marriages go through a divorce in about another ten years that will surely be closer to 90% accounting for the fall in marriage rates.

Now you talk of pressure so here's how you handle that.

When they start saying something to you, this is your response.

Give me one, just one irrefutable reason to marry when there is no social, moral or legal reason I should.

There is no real way to marry the right one, she can be the right one this year, then social media, friends, old acquaintances and encouragement from news articles etc and she's gone and taking half if not more of everything you both worked for and at least half of everything you're left working for.

Every married man that I know was married and is now divorced, every single one, that is lots and lots of men, UK, Europe the USA, I travel a hell of a lot.

Every man I know who got married is now divorced.

You need to get it I to your head, the game is rigged against you, women are socially geared and will listen to friends before they will listen to you, women crab bucket each other and gaslight each other to extremes that would make you shit yourself. They will and do encourage each other to be single and to follow them into being single.

When a game where the rules change according to the whims of the other players you cannot win by playing, the only way you can win is to not play the game.

Do not get married. If you must, if you really must then live with her but never ever marry her.

Micro_Peanuts · 2022-06-25T22:37:30+00:00

My ex has ripped my daughter away from me, time and time again because she can just make up false accusations, and people/the courts simply believe her. It's been a decade of torture and carnage, I've nearly killed myself lots of times. I've now lost my daughter completely, I don't expect to get her back, and I'm destroyed, barely getting by. I seriously seriously wish I'd never gotten married or had kids. Please listen to me: save yourself, don't get married. If you have kids, have them through surrogacy.

team_starfox · 2022-06-26T01:44:59+00:00

It's worth trying for.

Just be tedious and thorough in who you commit to.

Date for a decent amount of time, get past the initial puppy love stage, to where you start getting to know them. Also Don't be afraid to bail on something a few months in if isn't working.

And don't be in a rush to move in. I would argue if your confident in committing to them to where you would move in then that's when you should be thinking marriage

Avoid getting into sex early, not saying abstain till wedding night but still I recommend taking this part slow And knowing who you're really with. Sex can't build a foundation for a relationship. It's like the frosting of a cake. It adds to it but it can have highs and lows over the life of a relationship so if your only in for sex then you'll be out just as easily.

Spend time with them in many different situations to know how they behave

Discuss what you want to your marriage to look like, kids, finances, house etc

recce22 · 2022-06-26T07:27:53+00:00

Marriage is very hard, even for two very successful people...

The problem is...couples/people can change over the years. "Life" has a way of changing people as people cope with stressors differently. When people fail to have strong character as you mentioned with "entitlement & bad manners," you better run for your life. (This is from my personal experience in dealing with a Narcissistic/Disordered woman). You will waste a minimum of 5 years from your life. If you end up marrying one, you can waste half a lifetime and end up raising your children by yourself. It gets even lonelier!

People with low character are very dangerous as it's all about them.

OwnerAndMaster · 2022-06-25T17:05:39+00:00

You shouldn't be getting married. Ever.

david10277 · 2022-06-25T12:55:31+00:00

Travel, outside your city, outside your country . Become your best self , financially secure yourself with a career or business. Make money on your own

Do Chase do not look for nothing , then when girls show up, make sure they have achievements under there belts. The only.thing a female should bring that you do not have already have is giving to a child .

She should have her own achievements and be happy with herself

Start there..

sohumm · 2022-06-25T15:23:34+00:00

You are young person and I feel very sad to say this - Marriage is not worth it. If you keep kids aside, there is nothing in marriage for men at all. This is seems to be designed for women. Men end up working 10 hours a day and come home to ruckus. Courts and system of law are gynocentric.

You may ask, why to end up with court at all? Well, you will be cornered for divorce.

TraditionalThing8279 · 2022-06-25T15:31:39+00:00

Someone sent me an essay and video talk titled "Why you will marry the wrong person" and it is good. I'll link it here:

https://youtu.be/-EvvPZFdjyk

Most people want to find that forever person but it seems nearly impossible in this day and age with social media. People can see other people they think are better and they can drop you and pursue them.

I never should have gotten married but I did against my instincts.

2022-06-25T16:24:21+00:00

Honestly is hard. even if you're super meticulous and picky at the end, people are different when you live with them. with time they change and sometimes some of the nicest people hide sinister things. sadly there is no bullet proof.

However, there are things you can do to be sure you would land on your feet if shit goes south. Don't take a Divorced women, don't marry someone who stay home because you would have to pay them half your shit and continue to pay for that life style after divorce. marry somone who makes close to you or better.

Marry someone who you think geniunely loves you and teat other with deceny.

I dated a girl and went with her to the Caribbean, she treated everyone from housekeepers to waitresses like shit while she treated me like a king. That told me a lot about her personality and left her right after the trip.

With me being cautious I still ended up in divorce, my wife was great the first 2 years then warranty expired lol

Paul_-Muaddib · 2022-06-25T18:29:44+00:00

Approach it like a business. Start with physical and personality attraction then approach the rest like a business. Have clearly defined goals, objectives, who is going to be the decision maker along with clearly defined roles and responsibilities. Have periodic review periods, monthly, quarterly and annually to make sure that you are both on the right path. For the love of God have a prenuptial agreement months before the marriage date and make sure your future spouse has independent counsel review that agreement.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-06-25T19:38:46+00:00

Marriage is a contract you can enter into at your free will, but you will require the State’s permission to exit it.

strangerthaaang · 2022-06-25T23:42:45+00:00

There is absolutely zero incentive to get married as a man these days. Shit was different 50 years ago. The laws back then made sense. But it isn’t that way anymore. There is no reason to get married, so make her sign a prenuptial. In the event that you guys divorce you’re both protected.

Notlikeotherguys · 2022-06-26T00:44:56+00:00

As a man the cards are stacked against you. I feel for my kids, and young men like you. In this age of cell phones and social media, cheating is just way too easy. I find that most women these days have access to a whole world of horny guys constantly stoking their egos to the point where they all think that they're God's gif to the world. Mind you most of these guys are lovers or only looking to get laid. Even if these women don't give them the time of day, their egos get further inflated. Most of my married friends who got divorced both men and women basically have the same story. Their husband and or wife connected with someone online, usually via social media, communicating via cell phone and either got caught or left. Societies a complete shit show these days, and the divorce courts are still functioning as though it's the 1950's and women don't work and are helpless, and men are incapable of raising children, so if things don't work out be prepared to get taken to the cleaners.

patently_pleasant · 2022-06-26T01:08:34+00:00

As a guy in his mid twenties already having a divorce under his belt because of a cheating ex wife, the cynical side of me says it’s not possible. Im just doing me at this point. Build yourself up and if someone is drawn into the energy you bring to the table, and you are drawn into their energy as well, then so be it. The best way to do it is to focus on you and let things happen naturally. Regardless, I would never marry without a rock solid prenup. I’ve worked my ass off to build a career that already earns $200k per year. No woman will ever take that away from me

Late-Kangaroo6081 · 2022-06-25T12:56:55+00:00

The only real way to be sure - or pretty sure - that you are marrying the right one is to get to know your prospective partner as well as possible. And that takes at least 6-7 years and more likely 10. Couples divorce over many reasons but a common lament is he or she changed and he or she was like a different person. Everyone changes over time but it isn't so much change as it is little known and not understood aspects of one's partner that are revealed prior to or during a general breakdown of a marriage.

BuddhistChrist · 2022-06-25T15:46:23+00:00

Don’t marry at all.

Physical-Pie748 · 2022-06-25T16:28:49+00:00

rich_before_30 · 2022-06-25T17:04:04+00:00

You can’t choose the right person to sign an immoral contract.

It’s like asking whether there is a safe enough hospital in which to play Russian roulette.

Organic-Brotha · 2022-06-25T18:13:54+00:00

32_Belly_Option · 2022-06-25T23:03:05+00:00

If I did it all over again, I'd probably try to focus more on myself for the first 30-35 years of my life than get married at 25 to only the second person I was serious with.

I would also be far more assertive about getting what I need out of a relationship. I was passive and paid for it because I didn't know what marriage was supposed to look like.

Long story short, don't put up with shit for more than a few months and get help the minute something goes beyond that. If it doesn't change after a year, leave.

Seriously....

EngineerParentGuy · 2022-06-25T18:09:40+00:00

2 issues with this post: 1- your in your 20s, take your time… from the paragraph your don’t even have a serious girlfriend you are considering marrying… when you find her then post about it 2- the whole comment about entitled people with no respect or manners… you seem like an angry guy some people don’t live by your life “ code” Respect is viewed different among different people… your statement sounds extremely disrespectful

latexyankee · 2022-06-26T01:39:47+00:00

Only if you have kids. And that's only for rights.

Other than that no, it makes no sense whatsoever. No part of your life will be improved, its a trap and moneymaker like engagement rings. A tradition without meaning or impact.

I would argue it makes everything in your life inherently more difficult.

BigElevatorEveryone · 2022-06-26T15:05:34+00:00

Thanks to all the men sharing their wisdom. I'm an unmarried guy who likes to learn from people who went through the real circumstances that aren't going to be talked about.

kellyleaklives · 2022-06-26T15:44:34+00:00

If you don’t want kids, there’s an easy answer: don’t get married.

If you do, I have no idea how you truly protect yourself and your kids from the Divorce Machine. If there is a way, I’m not aware of it. I will say that it was an extremely pleasant surprise to learn that my state defaults to joint physical and legal.

You will still be stripped of much of your property, and I don’t want to minimize that. But for me, the fact that my kids are with me under my roof half the time (and when they become teenagers, probably close to full time because they want to be where they feel loved) is a better deal than I ever thought I’d get.

TLDR: consider setting up in the fairest jurisdiction you can find.

AggieDan1996 · 2022-06-26T17:58:35+00:00

Okay. I'll give my two cents here. I'm happily remarried to a new woman after my 2018 divorce.

For me, it was really finding someone that believed but only in marriage but in Holy Matrimony. And when it comes to the Catholic Church, there's a big distinction between the two.

So, after a lot of flailing after my divorce I went back to basics. What made me happy? And it was really my life in high school, as silly as it sounds. I was happiest playing video games, playing music, and being active in my parish. Bought a tuba and went back to church the first weekend of lent in 2018.

Given that my first wife was not only agnostic, but scared of organized religion due to some bad experiences in high school and college.... I stayed away from the Church. And we had only been married civilly.

So, I knew this time I had to be with someone Catholic. It makes it much more than just a legal contract. But, we ran into some issues between my stepdaughter staying high school and COVID affecting EVERYTHING. So, we married civilly last summer and are just about to finish up the work to have the marriage convalidated.

For us, having it be more than just a legal arrangement makes all the difference. It's really two contracts. One legal, one social.

Is it as flashy? Nope. But, there's a reason why marriage had traditionally been a religious thing.

My advice? Work on you. Find out who you are. Get your career going. Be a conservative dude and then find you a conservative woman.

team_starfox · 2022-06-26T18:00:51+00:00

I don't know if their is a set time period that is ok or not. The longer you date one person and it's working out for 2-3 users it's a safe assumption it working out.

But I've also known ppl who date for really short too

From what I've read the shorter the dating/engagement period that more likely divorce is to happen

Is There Any Real Way To Marry the Right One?

Comments

This Is The Way Leaderboard

Title	Is There Any Real Way To Marry the Right One?
Author	ComfortableLucky4994
Upvotes	25
Comments	92
Date	June 25, 2022 11:38 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vkd7cc/is_there_any_real_way_to_marry_the_right_one/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-there-any-real-way-to-marry-the-right-one.1120060 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120060