How did you guys deal with the guilt in regards to your kids financial support?

jimsmythee · 2023-03-27T16:16:20+00:00

I got the same thing. For example, my house has always been my house. I put the down payment on it, as we were only married 3 weeks when the new-build house was ready. She signed a deed disclaimer that the house is separate and sole property, because the band wouldn't do her on the loan because her credit wasn't good.

Fast forward 11 years we are getting divorced because she became an unemployed pill popper. She told the kids, "Daddy is trying to make us homeless and take away our house!"

So my youngest asked me about it. I told her how I work very hard at my job (with OT to make more money) and this has always been my house." And then I told her "no matter what, we will never be homeless."

So my youngest told her mom, "Great news mommy! This is daddy's house because he works. When you get a job, you can get a house too!" The exwife called me up screaming at me.

This went on and on, even after divorce when she didn't get any alimony. "You're letting your kids suffer because we don't have enough to eat!" I got 50/50 custody, so I told her, "Well, then let them come here for dinner on the days you don't have any food."

The list went on and on.

2ndChance_1stMistake · 2023-03-27T15:28:23+00:00

If she needs all of your money to care for the kids, then she has no business being the custodial parent.

File for custody.

RalphWastoid319 · 2023-03-27T17:04:40+00:00

Please stop taking legal advice from your stbx. Unless she is your attorney (then I would fire her), her opinion and wants don't mean anything.

Contrary to what has been portrayed in the past, Dad's are more than capable of raising kids. Be the best Dad that you can be and do what you need to do to make sure your kids are taken care after this is all done.

Mom wants everything? Sure, after the equitable split she can have 100% of what she is entitled to receive. Mom can't afford to live? That's a her problem, not a you problem. Take care of you and your kids. You don't have to be the knight in shining armor and fall on your sword for this woman. Take everything that you are entitled and go live your live and raise you kids.

- Custody - 50/50 minimum

- House equity - Split 50/50

- Marital property - Split 50/50 (Includes bank accounts / investments / retirements)

- Child Support - Based on state statutes

- Alimony - Generally based on need and length of marriage

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2023-03-27T15:42:33+00:00

The only parties that win in a divorce are the lawyers.

50/50 custody is what you need. Kids are much more adaptable than you think, and what matters is you are present. I lived in a hovel for 5 years before I could scrape up the pennies for a down payment.

The point is, everyone’s lifestyle is going to take a hit. But, you have a chance at getting your sanity back.

Daddy_data_nerd · 2023-03-27T16:16:00+00:00

Go for 50/50 minimum. If she can't afford to live off her income, then go for full custody.

There is no reason you should have to give up everything because she can't afford anything.

Remember, CS isn't set by the spouse, it's set by the state based on differences in income.

So she can cry all she wants, but CS isn't meant to be a sole source of income, it's to supplement income to provide for the kids.

My ex is about to learn this lesson the hard way.

Doubledolla · 2023-03-28T13:30:46+00:00

She can ASK for that all she wants. I'm in Colorado and it's straight forward on maintenance and child support based on income and length of marriage. Everything else is 50/50. If you had say a house/business prior to marriage then it's just half of the appreciated value for marriage date. Not much to argue about...... they think they can take you to the cleaners but then reality hits them. Stand up for yourself because it's you and your child's livelihood. She'll have to make due on her end and that life..... you know the one that we were trying to live together. Just because she wants out doesn't mean she gets to take YOUR life with her. That was a great response and good job not engaging in the petty bullshit. Cool and calm is the path. I would mentally prepare myself as I know I'd be walking into those with just a cool attitude and stay calm and only answer questions that were pertinent to the situation divorce/kids. Everything else is just her problem. It will get better once the situation runs its course. She's gonna try for this and that but the reality is she is not in control and it will drive her nuts. Take care of yourself and workout if you are not already. You don't have to go to a gym you'd be surprised what a few push-ups and jumping Jack's and such can do. When ever I started to get fired up I'd go slam 25 push ups and it would totally change my thought process and take that anger and turn into love towards my kids. Best of luck sir. Stay strong

azwildcat74 · 2023-03-27T16:36:52+00:00

There's two parents that need to be able to take care of the kids and a finite amount of money coming in to do it. If it's going to her it's coming from you. You can control what YOU do with the money, you can't control what she does with your money. Her struggle is not your struggle anymore now that you're parting ways.

hotrod427 · 2023-03-27T18:17:13+00:00

Everything needs to be split 50/50. Savings, equity of the house, placement of the kids, custody of the kids, etc. if you've been married less than 10 years she shouldn't get any alimony/spousal support either.

There's no reason she can't get a job to support the kids when they're with her.

Also, if she can't support the kids without taking everything from you, then she should get even less custody/placement. Like you get them 75% and she gets 25%.

You should not get less than 50% placement custody/placement of the kids unless you're an unfit father, which doesn't sound like it's the case.

SpacemanLost · 2023-03-27T18:46:36+00:00

Get angry and push back against all of her demands.

My ex was, and still is, similarly delusional when it comes to money and how much is owed her. At various points post divorce she's made statements to various people (including my kids) giving specific amounts she thinks she was actually due; amounts which usually were usually well in excess of my total gross income.

She hasn't worked in over 30 years. Remarried less than 2 weeks after the last alimony check cleared.

1Cobbler · 2023-03-27T21:36:05+00:00

Sorry, but fuck her.

The marital contract is that you provide and protect and she looks after the home and keeps you happy. Feminism has broken women into thinking that they're the prize and that you should input everything into the relationship and be thankful for whatever crumbs she gives you. FUCK THAT!

She (like my ex) has approached divorce as a zero loss financial move where she can do out and date people again and expect you to still pay all the bills.

My ex wanted everything. Like you, my family are in a position where they could afford to help me out, so she that factored that into the equation. However, what my family do with their money is their decision, not mine and not hers. It turned out that most of the financial inputs into the relationship were mine and because she works (now), she's not even entitled to 50%. Maybe if she had known that was a possibility she may have tried to heal the relationship rather than throw it away...

Dude, go for as much as you can and if she cries "Oh but the children" just say that you and your family can provide for them fine without her.

pk2at · 2023-03-27T16:46:00+00:00

You need to start thinking more about yourself as they are not 'our kids' anymore!

Doubledolla · 2023-03-27T19:08:31+00:00

Stuck up for yourself and get everything you've worked for. If she can't provide a safe stable environment then you get the kids more or all together. Don't give an inch to her as she will try to take 1000 miles. Let her figure that side out and if she can't you get more time with the kids. They will be ok just know that. They understand way more than you think. I remember going through this shit when I was a kid and what carried me was the love. I remember we had a 1 bedroom apartment for a few yrs and my bed was out in the living room. Didn't matter one bit because I was loved. Get everything you've worked for and love your kids to pieces that's your right. Good luck sir!

Doubledolla · 2023-03-27T19:56:47+00:00

They start to realize this after making the decision to destroy the family only when you stick up for yourself. Mine tried to basically just ask me to walk out the door and then take 5050 of the kids just so she could have her own time. Id take 100 if shed let me. Devils in disguise. Stay rich in love and the kids will see that. They see it all. Stick to your guns. It's all usually 50/50 assets and then what the court decides for maintenance and child support. Stick to that and don't engage in any of her side arguments or feel bad for me traps. This is what she wanted give it to her as outlined by the court and there's no winner. The kids will have their feelings and that will be the hardest part. Leaving that soul sucker behind will be so liberating. The house and stuff are just things the love for your family is the true reward. They grow up quick..... stay present in the moment with them use love and patience and practice. Be thier example.

JohnnyMnemo · 2023-03-27T21:15:03+00:00

she is right, there is no way she can afford a house and take care of them.

And neither can you.

She will need to sell the house and downsize her own life just as you are contemplating having to downsize your own living arrangement.

2512347 · 2023-03-28T00:08:04+00:00

it feels like you're being backed into a corner with this whole "supporting our kids" thing. that's definitely a tough one. It's important to remember that divorce is never an easy or pleasant experience, and it's natural for both parties to want to come out of it with as much as they can. But it's also important to be fair and reasonable.

Ultimately, the most important thing here is your kids. They need both of their parents to be present and supportive, both emotionally and financially. So my advice would be to try to find a solution that works for everyone involved - maybe with the help of a mediator or counselor. And don't forget to take care of yourself too - you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, even in the midst of a difficult situation.

I hope this helps, my friend. Hang in there, and remember - you've got this!

BeachGuy91 · 2023-03-28T00:35:30+00:00

She needs to realize that the lifestyle you provided her with no longer exists. That is a tough pill.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-03-28T00:46:33+00:00

"Kids, I love you. No matter what you hear from anyone, everything I'm doing and will do is for you and your future. It may be difficult for a while and it's not your fault. But you need to trust me."

Retying3043 · 2023-03-28T01:18:03+00:00

Her financial issues are not your problem.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-03-28T07:11:50+00:00

Her choices have consequences and she should shoulder the responsibility for those consequences.

No-Exit6560 · 2023-03-28T08:58:12+00:00

Settle for nothing less than 50/50 custody and whatever your lawyer thinks is a fair split of martial assets assuming you don’t already have a financial agreement in place, should he 50/50 as well.

Do not let this woman raise your children and you be relegated to an ATM. Look at the stats for kids raised by single moms, they’re absolutely deplorable.

Fight for equal time with your kids because you have rights too. Her future is absolutely not your concern, and as others have pointed out if she needs all this assistance to keep a roof she shouldn’t be the primary custodial parent anyways.

Be ruthless, you get one shot at this to get it right. She certainly will be going for everything she can.

Throwaway4120213 · 2023-03-28T11:03:07+00:00

Stop listening to your ex. It sounds like you know your kids do not need 24/7 supervision and she is weaponizing their autism to guilt you into supporting her, infantile your kids and use it as an excuse never to work again.

Can your daughter take taxis and Uber? If your daughter takes it 3x to and from school/work - assuming that’s $60 - that will be cheaper than having a mom holding higher education decrees do nothing all day to make that drive 3x/day.

Financial responsibility for the kids is not 100% on you. Two people made the decision to have children and two people need to support them.

Follow Court guidelines. The State has spent a ton of time studying the cost of raising kids and bare expectations for the lower income spouse to come up with an neutral assessment of what is fair without the emotional blackmail. Child support is meant to supplement the lower income spouse not to be the only thing they live on.

Most Americans cannot afford to only have 1 working parent even without a divorce. Most Americans certainly cannot afford to provide for 2 households on 1 salary unless you are in the top 3%. Don’t feel guilty for something 95% of Americans cannot do. Your wife needs to get her ass back to work and provide for HER kids as well.

If she cannot afford to provide for them with state child support - then you need to be asking for more parenting time. You keep the house and have her move into a basement.

Doubledolla · 2023-03-28T14:12:16+00:00

Yeah I had to do the living together situation too. Once you know there is no turning back it's just business after that. You absolutely have the right idea of putting you sons intrests at the top of the priority list. Once they turn on you it's game over. If she's so worried about your son on her side then she can make adjustments or just give you more time as you seem mentally fit and financially stable enough to take on more time. She of course will never admit to that because that's less $ for her. Take him when ever extra time is offered and I made to sure to have first right of fefusal if she cannot watch him for any reason that I'm the first option an opposed to a baby sitter or her family. The house and stuff are just things. That quote from the water boy really rings true...... home is where you make it. You are home for your son no matter where you are as long as you prioritize him and love him unconditionally you'll have the richest life with no regrets. That peace that comes with that is priceless and will carry you and your son. Be his example. You seem like you've got the right idea and just needed to get it out. It's good to vent/ talk / gain perspective. She will try to use him against you but your love is what he needs the most cuz him mom is losing her shit.

Adventurous_Rain_279 · 2023-03-28T17:59:57+00:00

Dont let yer manipulate you

If you gonna be on someones couch, it would probably not make any difference. Money will be deluted by crazy ass ex. And never gonna be enough

Better idea: you invest in yourself, get back on feet financially, become more emotionally stable

You gonna show great example for your kids Later, you can buy them what ever they want or invest in their education ( amount you can afford)

And, what you can’t deliver financially - cover with your personal time. See them, spend time with them, come to their games and events

There is nothing better, than being “stable” and showing best of yourself to them as example

Otherwise, you gonna waste money and they never see best of you. Before helping anyone, help yourself first.

lostcanuck007 · 2023-03-29T07:16:28+00:00

this is one of their weapon to use against you.

don't let her gain an inch. fight tooth and nail.

she dumped you like yesterday's shit. and now expects you to be ok to be treated like an ATM.

there is no guilt, you are being defrauded. Grow up and fight. They want you to be too weak to respond logically, or to be too emotionally destroyed to think clearly.

Original-King-1408 · 2023-03-31T04:26:22+00:00

Tell her to leave. You file for full custody.

Title	How did you guys deal with the guilt in regards to your kids financial support?
Author	RichardCleveland
Upvotes	18
Comments	100
Date	March 27, 2023 3:21 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/123q50z/how_did_you_guys_deal_with_the_guilt_in_regards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-did-you-guys-deal-with-the-guilt-in-regards-to.1207787 https://theredarchive.com/post/1207787

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