Brain just continually searches for answers

coffeefrog92 · 2023-05-20T00:19:26+00:00

I'm in the exact same situation and I've been meaning to make pretty much the same post.

Looking back now, at old texts, going over memories etc. I see she was really checked out for 6 months prior to dropping the hammer at the very least. I got thr very classic 'I'm not haaaaaappy'.

With time I'm becoming more and more at ease with the fact that I'll never truly know why. And the Lord knows I'll never give her the satisfaction of asking for answers.

It's just a cold fact that women do not share the sense of loyalty that we do. Those forever ever vows you both took; she meant it at the time. But she can easily rationalise herself out of it, and she'll bust up a family and throw years down the drain in the process.

I think one big reason could be that most modern people, and particularly women, believe that 'hapiness' is some kind of a stable, permanent state that you can enter into and just walk around in a bliss cloud if only you line everything up in life perfectly. Rather than what it actually is: a fleeting reward for progressing towards goals in life.

That's just my thoughts on it .

Robosnails · 2023-05-19T23:05:10+00:00

This is extremely common, something changes in women after having children. Their focus is no longer on their husband and instead focus is redirected towards the kids. As the saying goes, men love women, women love their children.

Your exact scenario happened to me as well. We were married for 10 years, the first 8 were happy and no issues, after our daughter was born something changed. She became very protective and disinterested in anything else.

My theory is that married women without children know subconsciously that they have very little leverage and staying with you is likely the best financial decision, so they make the best of it and seem happy. Once children are part of the equation everything changes. Children guarantee a paycheck and can also make awarding alimony more likely. She now has the ability to leave you and look for something fun and new, while still having continuous access to your wallet.

In addition to the money equation children often increase stress levels for parents and resentment can easily build when a partner feels they are doing the lions share of child rearing. Any issues you had prior to having children will be amplified by 100x.

PatThePiper · 2023-05-20T00:38:39+00:00

They don't just wake up one day and decide that they want a divorce. She gave you a warning whether you knew it or not. Some kind of shift happens in their brain that tells them they no longer trust you or feel safe. Believe me, she has been contemplating this for a long time. In fact, she has already grieved the loss of what you once had, so expect that she will move on very quickly. You are just now beginning the grieving. It is going to be a very difficult road ahead since you were not prepared and felt blindsided. The best thing you can do at this point is prepare yourself. Since you have children, you will want to get a good attorney as soon as possible if you expect to get any good outcome with them. I am 4 months into my divorce. Luckily, I filed first and never let her get a leg up on me. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You'll survive. Once they drop the D word it is over.

Theedon · 2023-05-20T01:55:52+00:00

Do not go looking for the reason she is doing this. You will only find heartache and pain. And to top it off, she will not care what you find out.

Come here to blow off steam and rant away. We got you. We will try our best to comfort you. We will share our experiences with you in hopes it helps ease the pain.

And if you do stupid shit, call you out on it.

It is going to be one hell of a ride.

Danno5367 · 2023-05-19T23:39:36+00:00

Give her what she wants (a divorce) but give her nothing else. Get the best lawyer you can and do not go beyond a fair settlement.

Grey rock her along with the 180 which is for you to detach, not to win her back.

Sounds like she has a side plan going it could be another guy or it could be she has divorced friends egging her on.

Accomplished-Toe5220 · 2023-05-20T00:54:44+00:00

This is going to be hard to accept... She was planning this from the very beginning.

sneakyslutwife69 · 2023-05-20T05:26:20+00:00

They’re disloyal and deceitful as they’re saying they’re vows on the alter…. Sad but true..

questionoffitness · 2023-05-19T22:16:47+00:00

Sorry to say but there are many messaging apps and ways to communicate with people, beyond regular text messages.

Mjolnir37 · 2023-05-20T01:32:54+00:00

Your trying to apply rational male logic to the emotional unpredictable female brain. There is no understanding it. You will drive yourself crazy.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-05-20T02:23:28+00:00

Whatever the reason is it doesn't matter anymore she has made a decision so what matters now is that you don't get screwed with alimony and custody

deuceice · 2023-05-20T03:07:42+00:00

You really don't want to know. It won't make it any easier. Protect yourself and your relationship with your children. As hard as it will be, show her no emotion and focus on YOU and your children. Find activities that will make you a better person, father and partner (you can ALWAYS improve). Do things YOU enjoy and share those with your children. Never speak ill of their mother. They will figure things out on their own as they age. Just be the rock they need through this. If you believe in a higher power, get closer to Him. And WHATEVER you do, DON'T GO BACK. She will likely try early on when she sees how difficult being a single mother. Be cordial, but don't entertain her coming back she wont really have changed, it will be her using you as a crutch.

At this point, your hurting and you won't believe what most of these men are telling you. That's fine. Just realize they're telling you THEIR stories and there is a REASON they are very similar.

Chilamzz · 2023-05-20T05:18:28+00:00

Same experience here, in my case she totally changed and kind of gave up at our first obstacle with a sixth month old. It's something biologically that change them. I was in disbelief like you are but soon after I realized there's nothing I could do anymore and focused on moving on and making the best of it. Its hard for sure, find support from friends and family or vent online whatever helps you get through this phase.

zugabuga · 2023-05-20T13:57:15+00:00

My ex-wife seemed to do the same thing. We were married 18 1/2 years. Looking back probably six months before D-Day she started to change, but I did not notice. I was in a deep depression for several years. She had a newly divorced friend at work who also cheated on her husband, and started to get male attention from some customers. I think some combination of that caused her to change from the person I was with for 26 years. I stopped trying to figure it out. I am almost 3 years post D day and two years post the divorce being final. I’m doing really well, just know you’ll have good days and terrible days but you keep marching forward, and you will have happy days again.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-05-20T14:43:28+00:00

Write down your thoughts. Notes app in your phone is fine. It helps.

Classic_Dill · 2023-05-20T22:58:02+00:00

So a couple of things, after the time you’ve both put into the marriage, out of respect, she should be telling you what the problem is, it’s highly disrespectful not to talk to you about this, and I think you said that you can’t stop thinking about the past? That is absolutely normal! I reflected hard-core on the marriage for at least two years after! Why you’re doing this, is because you really don’t have any answer is number one and number two you’re trying to learn without you even knowing it not to make whatever mistake you think you may have made or to catch the red flags. She was throwing at you and maybe you didn’t catch, learning lessons in a marriage or a divorce doesn’t always have to do with you blaming yourself for something, a lot of times, it’s red flags, being flown in front of your face and you just don’t do anything about them, It’s the brain trying to re-circuit itself, and no longer knows how to meet the pleasure points to make you happy anymore, and it’s going to take time for all that wiring defined new paths, defined happiness again, to tell you the truth, you’re probably looking at a total of five years for an absolute complete turnaround. You should start feeling better within six months, and then it just keeps getting a little better from there, you will have ups, and you will have downs, trauma does not heal in a straight line, it heals riding a roller coaster but eventually the roller coaster has more flat track than it does ups and downs. Let your body reflect, let it research and find out what could’ve went wrong, but your wife is doing you in next stream disservice by not talking to you and letting you know what’s going on. If she cut you off at the heels and gray rock to you by not talking to you at all? That tells me she has a soft landing in somebody else’s airport.

And for what it’s worth, don’t hurt yourself! And make sure to eat, only people going through this kind of trauma understand what I’m talking about, and I know you do. I think you’ll find out when you have a full pitcher, that you’re probably better out of this marriage than in it. Truth be told, I don’t miss my ex-wife in the least, but I do miss the camaraderie of having another person or partner with me, I’ve had to learn to be happy, being single, and I’m doing a pretty OK job at it.

Mjolnir37 · 2023-05-20T01:35:05+00:00

Applying male logic to the female brain doesn’t work

Long-Review-1861 · 2023-05-20T22:51:30+00:00

Could have a burner phone. Also there are some apps that disguise themselves as a working calculator for example

smooth-vegetable-936 · 2023-05-21T07:52:05+00:00

I was married for 14 years. Two kids we had everything . Suddenly she wanted divorce. I said fine and gave it to her . Judge gave her 90 days to leave my house bcs I cashed her out but she is still here and She is still having sex with me. I’m soooo fuckin confused. I don’t know what to do bcs I love having sex but It does feel right bcs she put me through this divorce and asked for money. I’m not sure. But I’m certain that she is not normal maybe even losted or just a dumb human being. Part of me I wanna move on but she keeps on confusing me. One thing for sure, I will never marry her or anyone else in My life.

captainchippsixx · 2023-05-21T17:57:24+00:00

There is something, she is hiding it. Don’t rule out a 2nd phone.

My advice is to put the light on it. Call her parents and explain. Call your parents and explain.

Keep silent with her. Don’t go the way of the doormat and beg to talk. Embrace “that it’s over” to her. Don’t be a baby sitter for her to go places. Do the opposite of what you have been doing.

silmarp · 2023-05-31T21:45:07+00:00

Look. Like I said.

She is not rocket science. Not your life is a novel from Dostoevsky. Things are simple, if you don't understand something then it's because you are missing a piece of the puzzle.

This is always the case. Maybe she has been using you all this time and you just didn't figure. Maybe she's talking to someone and she has a second hidden phone. Maybe she has a lover and she knows how to hide and maybe she talks to a neighbor and she doesn't even need a phone. Either way things are not really complicated. You just don't know yet.

If you install cameras and var it's possible for you to know and I'm really impressed you didn't put a single VAR at your home since you want to know so much. What the heck are you waiting for then?

You might be thinking she is different. She is the one different. She is not. She is not special and God, she is not even the hottest woman alive, nor mysterious, no! Nothing. Put it into your head. She is only another woman, a single mom at the queue. Only that. She is not special and her reasons are not mysterious. No! They are never mysterious. She is one of the 4 billion women in the planet, nothing more and nothing less.

Title	Brain just continually searches for answers
Author	steaksauce872
Upvotes	19
Comments	65
Date	May 19, 2023 10:06 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13m99ja/brain_just_continually_searches_for_answers/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/brain-just-continually-searches-for-answers.1219776 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219776

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