Many men seem to have a misunderstanding of how preferences or boundaries work, and often lash out defensively because of this.

We’ve all seen the common phrase “men aren’t allowed to have preferences”, “if i express my boundaries then i’m controlling” and so on - and i found that most times, there is a fundamental misunderstanding (or at worst willful misuse) of these terms:

• Boundaries: boundaries are limits expressed on how others interact with you - in other words, in order for something to be a boundary it needs to inflict on your space (whether it be literal or metaphorical) - a girl wearing revealing clothing, for example, is not a breach of your boundaries because her clothing has no impact on you or your space. A person refusing to listen to your controlling behavior is not a breach of your boundaries. In order for something to be a boundary it has to be something being done to you, not something being done with your knowledge or periphery.

• preferences: Now, when it comes to preferences, you can have whatever you want - however, this becomes an issue when your preference is primarily about putting someone else down rather than your own personal desires and likes. You can not want to date overweight women, for example, however, it stops being “an expression of your presence” when you begin referring to her as a land whale. Prefer what you want, ask for the kind of partner you want, but don’t hide under the guise of “preferences” to disrespect or put somebody down.