Are a lot of women ableist when it comes to autistic guys?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-08-10T21:48:32+00:00

I think infantilizing people with disabilities is ableist. If you're autistic but have a job, a social life, you're pretty much a regular person with maybe a few handicaps that would show in specific situations, then it's messed up to treat you like you're somehow severely developmentally disabled to the point on not being able to give consent.

I think most women are more put off by the behavior of dudes who are autistic, I doubt concern for their ability to consent is factored into the decision to not date them. The lady you're talking about sounds like someone who wanted to let you down ''gently'' while also virtue signaling about how considerate of a person she is.

lostatlifecoach · 2023-08-10T20:22:49+00:00

I think she was trying to morally justify letting you down. If a mild, barley noticeable case of the tism was the only issue and she thought you had adult mental facilities she'd have took you to pound town.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-08-10T20:28:11+00:00

Most women won't even know you are autistic unless you tell them so. To the untrained eye, you might just seem weird or socially awkward. So I'm not sure "ableist" quite fits.

miel2miel · 2023-08-10T22:05:34+00:00

No, I don't believe that most women think this way. If an autistic person is high functioning enough to hold their own in social settings, they can consent. It sounds like she was being overly cautious and as a result, inadvertently ableist.

Autistic men struggle with dating (even high functioning) because they struggle with interpreting non-verbal cues and expressing themselves appropriately, which makes them difficult for women to connect with.

Zabadoodude · 2023-08-10T20:30:25+00:00

I think she was just not attracted to the autistic behavior. It's not ableist to not be attracted to someone.

Most women value social awareness in men, so they will not get involved with autistic guys. That's not ableist. You just don't have something they want in a partner.

chalkandapples · 2023-08-10T20:44:39+00:00

I don't think I would be able to date an autistic guy. I had an autistic friend a while ago, and tried to understand what it's like. I know it's difficult and tiring for autistic people to communicate to people that don't fully understand them, and a lot of the quirks and frustration comes from the fact that it consistently takes so much effort to conform and communicate with people that just don't get you.

But that works in reverse too, if I want to be a good partner and communicate well with an autistic partner, I would also need to be very deliberate and put a lot of effort in communicating with him. When the simple act of just communicating with your partner have some friction in it, it make the relationship a lot harder. And autistic person is not the only person that's lacking the skills to communicate, a NT person also often lacks the skills to communicate with an autistic person. There's a communication gap / incompatibility to begin with.

SianOiseau · 2023-08-10T20:33:30+00:00

I don't think it is the main reason men with autism struggle with dating. I'd guess most women don't get to the point of wondering whether these men can consent or not, they're just not attracted to them. Difficulties with expressing yourself, ticks, being way too direct or blunt, hypefixating on your interests etc. aren't exactly things that make people attracted to you. I'm not saying that all men with autism do or have these things, but enough of them score at least some of these issues.

mvnnyvevwofrb · 2023-08-10T21:01:05+00:00

I wouldn't necessarily call it ableism. But women have absolutely no sympathy for autistic men, or men that have any kind of mental health issues, at all. Period. In fact, you can see how duplicitous and mean-spirited women are by how they interact with autistic men and men that have mental health problems.

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-08-10T22:16:51+00:00

As an autistic woman there have been NT guys that have stopped being interested in me because any kids we would have “could be autistic”. It hurts but there are good people out there that accept us especially other NDs

2023-08-10T22:25:58+00:00

Absolutely not. No one is obligated to date someone else, even if their reason is that they can't handle the other person's mental health challenges (or whatever other euphemism for it that you feel comfortable with).

I'm a hetero guy with autistic friends, and even on a platonic level it can be challenging to relate with autists because of the communication barriers involved. Romantic relationships require communication that's a lot deeper and more complicated than that, so I can't blame anyone for not wanting to date an autistic person.

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-08-10T21:41:06+00:00

Yes, the woman who doubted your ability to consent was ableist.

Most of the women turning down autistic guys don't even know they're autistic and wouldn't be worried about their ability to consent if they did. They just know the guy is awkward. Lots of neurotypical people are awkward and don't come off well, and they also tend to struggle with dating.

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-08-10T22:20:52+00:00

When a particular type and level of disability directly impacts role performance in a way that can not have reasonable accommodation made for it, it is normal to just straight out discriminate against selecting people with that disability for that role.

You can call it ableism if you want but it's still going to happen and no law will ever be made against it.

And yeah maybe you looked like you couldn't consent to her satisfaction to the sort of relationship or activities she wanted. Maybe she reasonably believed you just wouldn't understand it (whatever it is for her) until you'd done it and she wasn't up for that possibility.

c0pkill3r · 2023-08-11T07:05:57+00:00

It could be. I'm autistic too. But some neurotypicals don't even notice and read me as this huge mastermind succubus sociopath. I've even been diagnosed with antisocial before. Which I tossed into the trash. But it's interesting, some are how you describe and others treat me like I'm a scary genius.

TheMedsPeds · 2023-08-10T21:23:09+00:00

Saying you can’t consent probably falls under ableism but not wanting to date someone who is autistic isn’t ableist. Thinking you are a lesser person is where the isms come in. I don’t date women, that doesn’t make an internalized misogynist.

AngeCruelle · 2023-08-10T20:51:43+00:00

Yes, ngl there are a lot of people put there who can't accept anything short of basic generic neurotypicality.

Finding a partner who is not only willing to date you but also respects and accepts you as you are can be rough. Among the ND people I know who have been in relationships many have been in at least one that would up toxic or emotionally abusive, both the guys and girls.

MotherPermit9585 · 2023-08-10T21:07:28+00:00

My understanding is that there are 3 levels of autism and regardless of the level someone may or may not have cognitive impairment. If someone is autistic but with normal or above average intelligence then I don’t really understand how lack of consent could be an issue due to the autism.

obviousredflag · 2023-08-11T08:37:09+00:00

According to my girlfriend, she thought this was ableist of her to feel that way.

Are you responsible for the feelings you have? Can you steer them? Change them? Did you consent to having your feelings on a certain topic?

she felt she wasn't sure if I could consent because of the autism.

She WASNT SURE and you failed to make her change her mind and BE sure. It's absolutely fine to not be sure about something one does not have insight into and rather err on the side of caution than do something illegal or morally wrong.

Mental impairments can have an effect of ability to consent to something. She was just not sure if autism goes into that direction and if yes, how far.

Round_Homework2903 · 2023-08-14T06:54:39+00:00

Yes, even autistic women don't want autistic men

Freethinker312 · 2023-08-10T22:30:56+00:00

You don't want people to generalize autistic people, but you yourself want to generalize women?

Can you give a definition of autism? Do you think autism doesn't have any influence on your relationships with people and the way you communicate with others? If not, what is autism? If yes, why would non-autistic people be wrong to prefer someone without autism? Not everyone is compatible with everyone. Non-autistic people each have their own preferences and needs for relationships and communication with others. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences in dating. That doesn't make anyone ableist.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-08-10T22:50:41+00:00

I wouldn’t call it ableist because most women won’t know it’s autism. They just see it as social awkwardness. It’s like if someone uses a wheelchair and you don’t know it and ask them to stand up, that’s not ableist. If you see them in their wheelchair and say “oh come on you don’t need that, just stand up,” that is ableist. It’s also okay to say you don’t want to deal with the issues that come along with dating someone in a wheelchair, as long as you aren’t being unkind to them as a person. Same with autism. Not everyone is cut out to be with someone with autism, but it’s not okay to act like they should “just be normal” either.

TopNYJeweler · 2023-08-11T13:26:53+00:00

Women are ableist, classist and very racist on dating. They always have been.

They are compensating that by joining activist groups and voting for left wing parties, but on their personal lives their choices are as discriminatory and evil as what they claim to condemn.

2023-08-10T20:46:23+00:00

Women don’t like autism. Women also don’t like a lot of things. Yeah your autism sets you back. Same w height, and looks for other guys. It’s all relative no need to feel alone. The majority of men all have something that most women are turned off by.

MistyMaisel · 2023-08-11T01:05:55+00:00

One of my cousins has autism that would def prevent him consenting. Like the really really bad kind. He's a sweetie and talkative, but def not enough capable of that kind of risk assessment, agency, and so forth. Possible she wondered if you had it bad and didn't wanna hurt you if so.

Or, she has no idea what autism is and is just like, super paranoid about consent culture.

EverVigilant1 · 2023-08-10T21:05:15+00:00

No. Most women are just not attracted to autistic men and don't want them for relationships.

KayRay1994 · 2023-08-11T01:29:13+00:00

Nah - I mean some for sure are, then again autistic men are scrutinized by both NT men and women. The only reason why ND women don’t get the same treatment is cause a woman is valued by her looks first by society. In other words, if she’s attractive, nothing else matters to most people.

With that being said, I don’t think there is any inherent ableism involved, but most times its a result of unsettling (even if unintentional or ignorant) behavior by the man. Really the only way around this is to develop a sense of awareness of your own actions and surroundings, it certainly is harder for autistic folk, but it is def possible.

As for the question of consent, frankly, that’s just well meaning uneducated people being well meaning uneducated people

VickiLynnRose · 2023-08-11T10:11:51+00:00

No.We are not ableist for not having sex with autistic guys. I can understand why most women wouldn't want to date an autistic man

SecretAccount111191 · 2023-08-11T13:12:06+00:00

Consistent_Ad3181 · 2023-08-10T22:16:38+00:00

It's not a fair playing field men are fair more forgiving of such issues than women are. It's nature's way.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-08-10T21:28:33+00:00

Yes, many people are ableist towards others with autism, but I wouldn't rush to say not hooking up with someone of a given disability is inherently ableist. Consent and disability is certainly a complicated issue too.

2023-08-11T09:47:15+00:00

The idea that no autistic person is capable of consent is ableist and is driven by ignorance.

Not wanting to date an autistic person isn't ableist though.

womandatory · 2023-08-11T12:54:41+00:00

That’s not ableist, that’s ignorant.

ask_johnny_mac · 2023-08-11T17:52:15+00:00

Ableist is a bullshit term.

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fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-08-10T22:54:38+00:00

I think not dating someone who is high functioning autistic because they can't consent is an able list concept

I do think she wanted to have a "good" reason to not date someone who displayed autistic behaviour. So a hook up is fine because it's just sex, but she wouldn't want anything long term

But she didn't want to appear like a bad guy for saying "I don't like to date autistic people" because women have been lambasted and turned against if they express not wanting to date someone "who is a nice guy".

Sure tik tok girls get free reign to be superficial for likes but I know of plenty of girls who were all told "give him a chance he's a nice guy! Don't be shallow!"

TelevisionGloomy5458 · 2023-08-10T22:57:37+00:00

Interesting, because depending how impaired they are by autism, can they truly consent. I would definitely say no if their autism is so severe they are actually a ward of the state and/or under the care of a legal guardian etc

Magnito-was-right · 2023-08-11T05:27:54+00:00

Did she mean she thought you were slow or child like? I'm also autistic and everyone I've met says I'm childlike but nobody had a problem having sex with me.

Most_Read_1330 · 2023-08-11T07:34:15+00:00

Seems like it.

Legal_Strawberry2 · 2023-08-11T15:00:47+00:00

The most interesting men I have met have been autistic. They are able to hold an honest conversation, are straightforward and can be funny.

CroslandHill · 2023-08-12T06:58:59+00:00

I think the bigger reason is that if a man is perceived to have weak social skills and low emotional intelligence, this is a far bigger turn-off to a woman, than the other way round.

SnowBorn6339 · 2023-08-13T17:49:31+00:00

Autistic men often struggle with dating because many of them can’t read social cues, or they dominate conversations with topics only they care about, or they are loud/obnoxious, or they say inappropriate things, or they treat women as some sort of foreign mystical creature rather than just a normal person. If a woman doesn’t want to put up with any of that, I wouldn’t call her ableist. She just has much better options.

Title	Are a lot of women ableist when it comes to autistic guys?
Author	harmonica2
Upvotes	35
Comments	69
Date	August 10, 2023 8:20 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/15nn7ab/are_a_lot_of_women_ableist_when_it_comes_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/are-a-lot-of-women-ableist-when-it-comes-to.1228281 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228281

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