How to be the “goddess of fun and light” when it’s not your personality?

FastLifePineapple · 2024-07-30T21:00:58+00:00

Gentle reminder to the community:

"Leave Him" is never the first option.

The OP has children with her husband and has stated she wants to try to do something for 'the best of her kids'.
Take note of /u/Wife_and_Mama (an endorsed contributor) answer to this post as a model of the advice we're seeking for OP.

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Wife_and_Mama · 2024-07-30T19:57:52+00:00

You know, I tend to give the men the benefit of the doubt in these posts, but this sounds like a husband problem to me. He torpedoed your family because you weren't entertaining enough? That's the lamest reason ever.

I'm going to respond to your question, because you're asking for help improving a relationship you've clearly resolved to save. You cannot become someone else, nor should you have to put on a juggling act to keep your husband from sleeping around out of boredom. That said, perhaps you could work on your resting face when you do read or scroll. Aim for quiet contentment, instead of depression. Maybe plan a fun outing/activity once or twice a week. Regardless, he needs to work on... well, a lot. You can't resolve this entirely on your own.

Edited to add: Someone else mentioned waking up earlier. I've started doing this myself, to have some alone time to drink coffee and work on my family photo albums. Maybe you could get up an hour or so earlier to find a hobby of your own. That might make you feel better and give you more pep. At the very least, despite what happens with your husband, you'd have something for yourself.

Sweatpant-Diva · 2024-07-30T19:36:11+00:00

Why did you take him back?

hangun_ · 2024-07-30T19:46:33+00:00

"he keeps reaching out to her and the reason he tells me is because she is fun and I’m not."

How is this relationship benefiting you?

rosesonthefloor · 2024-07-30T19:52:51+00:00

Gosh OP, I’m deeply sorry to hear that your husband left you, and is now continuing to talk to his AP and dangle her in front of your face. That must be incredibly difficult. How are you coping?

I this is likely something that is a bit above Reddit’s pay grade, and I would encourage the two of you to seek couples counseling to work through these issues with a neutral party.

Ultimately the “goddess of fun and light” personality starts with making sure that you’re taking care of yourself properly. When you have better self care, you’re more likely to be naturally fun and light - you can’t fill from an empty cup. It’s also important to do those things because they make you happy, not just because you think it’ll make him happy.

IMO there’s nothing wrong with reading books or relaxing on the couch on your phone in your free time, unless you never do anything else. Do you have any other hobbies that you enjoy? Perhaps friends you can see more often? Do you exercise? Do you listen to music while at home? Those are things that are likely to make you feel better in general.

Has he expressed anything specific that he would like you to do or change (and I mean specific actions, not just “be happy and joyous”)? Were any of these things that he expressed he needed before he strayed? Did your personality or behavior change after marriage, or were you always like this?

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like your husband is being cruel, but there’s not a lot of information to go on. You might want to include some of the suggested sidebar info like your ages, how long you’ve been together, and what you’ve done so far to address the problem.

And if you’re committed to staying with him, you might want to try some of the other intimacy skills from Laura Doyle in The Surrendered Wife. She has said that she’s helped couples come back together after infidelity, and it’s possible it can help you as well.

Beginning-Ad-4047 · 2024-07-30T20:06:38+00:00

There is no advice on this sub that will ever make him respect you. That’s his problem; that’s a bigger issue disguised as your personality issue.

CountTheBees · 2024-07-31T00:32:35+00:00

Just some stalling tactics that mighty make your life easier while you decide what to do. You mention him saying you're arguing.

Can you make a bargain with him - he doesn't criticise you for what you choose to do in your free time, or how different you are from the other woman, and you won't criticise or comment on him and how he spends his free time, and don't comment on him choosing to spend time with her? It could be a shaky sort of truce that would let you both feel like you're walking on less eggshells.

bunnytryingreddit · 2024-07-30T19:45:23+00:00

Sorry but why did you not only take him back but also stay with him while he's right now actively disrespecting and betraying you by keeping contact with the other woman?

Also, could he be the reason of you having depression and anxiety and not being all fun and light? Just saying...

CommunicationFunny66 · 2024-07-30T23:43:06+00:00

Don’t think about him at all. Become selfish. Take care of yourself. Be mysterious. Become unpredictable. Make yourself happy. We don’t make men happy. We make ourselves happy and by being around us, they feel happiness. The affair partner is just selfish. She doesn’t have kids so she can be. You can be too though. Take care of your kids but set time each day during nap time or after bed time and really spoil yourself. Do not think about your husband at all. Don’t worry about him. He needs to work for your time and he needs to chase you again. You can be mysterious, fun, and exciting without drinking or partying. He fell for you in the beginning and he can again. But don’t worry about that. Only focus on YOU. The rest will follow. If you get off track, and start to obsess over him or worry if he likes you, just start over again and start becoming obsessed with yourself and your interests.

plein_old · 2024-07-30T21:29:43+00:00

There's nothing wrong with wanting to change and grow in new ways, based on the feedback we receive from Life.

I know someone who started eating more fiber and started exercising more regularly, and they are now happier, less depressed, more active and less constipated (so to speak), and therefore more outgoing. The people around them benefit, sure, but the person who benefits the most is the person who made the changes.

Buggy77 · 2024-07-31T13:53:35+00:00

Keep in mind he is most likely finding her all fun and exciting because they aren’t married! An affair is exciting and flirty because there are no real responsibilities. No bills to pay, no kids to take care of, no everyday household tasks. If he was to marry her I bet she would drop the whole “fun and exciting” thing real quick once real life came into play. As far as your question, do things that make you happy and work on your health. Exercise more, eat healthy, start a new hobby. Get those endorphins going! But don’t worry about what he thinks, just focus on yourself. If he can’t accept you as you are then let him leave and let him find out there is no woman on earth who is exciting, fun and in a great mood 24/7

aussiedollface2 · 2024-07-30T21:43:03+00:00

First of all he needs to stop reaching out to his affair partner. That’s an ultimatum I would be willing to make if I were you. How can you work on yourself when your self esteem is shot and he keeps in contact with her and making direct comparisons. If you want to continue this marriage, then you both need to want it. Secondly you don’t want to be like this girl. Someone who knowingly entertains a married man. Eye roll. I know the type. I think at very least you should focus on yourself and your own interests and things that bring you happiness. Good luck xo

CharmingSama · 2024-07-31T10:05:23+00:00

my grand ma used to say, that boring is an insult to intelligence... that's what your story reminds me of, your husband wants you to entertain him like you are some circus performer or something. he is not right in the head. it sounds like he wants to act single while being married to you. entitlement has over shadowed gratitude in your marriage in my opinion, and until that is addressed, trust that time is not going to fix anything.

zaftig_stig · 2024-07-30T21:53:03+00:00

You can’t. You can only work on being the healthiest version of yourself.

Prudent_Influence_62 · 2024-07-31T01:25:10+00:00

I’m so sorry. No one would fault you for leaving.

What was your relationship dynamic when you first got together?

I would consider the possibility that this may not be about him wanting you to be more fun. Men are generally so bad at articulating their feelings that they grab onto something easier to put their finger on and focus their bad feelings there. It may sound like complaints about lack of sex, complaints about wife’s weight, wife not having a job, a messy house- or a wife who’s no fun anymore.

Men want to feel admired and respected. Do you think your husband would say that you think very highly of him and hold him in high regard? Obviously, you have every reason not to at this point, and it’s not an easy thing to do. But that’s what men are craving and it’s a hard thing for them to articulate, even in their own minds.

I would recommend Laura Doyle’s book, The Empowered Wife and her podcast. She has lots of testimonies from women who have recovered from affairs.

RedPillDad · 2024-07-31T12:20:09+00:00

Opposites attract. Quiet, serious men are attracted to loud, unserious women, who, like you said, are "always fun, drinking and the life of the party". That's why nerds fall for hoes. Foolish men fail to separate the hot ones and fun ones from the good ones.

My son married a woman with a loud party personality. Her booze and weed consumption steadily increased. Her mood when she wasn't drunk or high was increasingly unpleasant. The marriage unraveled after 5 years.

How do you be more joyous and happy? The consistency trap is that we try to be the same, reliable person in all circumstances. The burden of 'always being you' become heavy, especially as a parent. It doesn't have to be that way. You can try switch mode-switching.

FastLifePineapple · 2024-07-30T20:53:23+00:00

/u/123me_anon

Thank you for being responsive with your post. Please answer with an edit in your main post:

Rule 6: Guidelines for Asking Relationship Questions

What is the problem, and what do you think is the root of the issue?
How have you contributed/attempted to mitigate the problem?
What is your current relationship status and length of time?

Be honest with yourself about what background is needed to help the community answer your question. Withholding information doesn't make it less true or relevant.

Include the state of your sex life and ages.

moirainesedaii · 2024-07-30T21:36:20+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know the pain of infidelity, wish you all the best and that you embrace who you are not what he wants you to be.

floridamermaidusa · 2024-07-31T13:02:40+00:00

If he cannot accept who you are then he is not the one for you…it’s that simple…I am not “fun and light” either… I have real problems and real moods…been married 28 years and my husband accepts me as I am.

flashfir · 2024-08-01T07:51:37+00:00

I listen to DrPsychMom. I don't agree with 100% but she gives very good takes on a lot of things.

Anxiety is a #1 complaint because it makes women rigid, uptight. I was married to someone diagnosed and it is a drag. Worry consumes the person and you can't live life. I understand the side of how anxiety is bad and I'm only 33. I am a very low neuroticism guy and she's off the charts hsp, diagnosed depression anxiety, sex negative attitude, fear, etc and it was not easy... We had no intimacy.

She's definitely an outlier and I contributed in my ways too but it's hard to be with someone with anxiety. I also sympathize cause dpm mentions that with kids. It's not a black and white decision to just leave the guy and never consider him ahain. You are in a tough spot. I'd recommend dpm for couples therapy.

She understands both sides and helps couples work towards actually empathizing with each other. Which often times is only one way in popular culture.

Let me know if you find her helpful or this post. Sorry to hear.

vintagegirlgame · 2024-07-31T00:31:09+00:00

Everyone here is criticizing your relationship, but that’s not what you asked about. You asked how to improve yourself to be more GOFUL. As a Laura Doyle relationship coach, we never disrespect the woman’s relationship and tell her to leave. If she wants to stay then we support her in her choice. If she changes her mind then we support her in that. Only you can ask yourself if you want to stay, and you can ask it one day at a time.

I say congrats on winning your husband back from the Other Woman! And it sounds painful and scary that he’s still in touch with her and comparing you. Ouch!! But he has chosen you, so I hear a heart message that his family is important to him. Laura Doyle’s mission is to end world divorce, so the two of you are upholding a valiant cause to keep your family whole and rekindle the romance after such a hard struggle.

As far as being more GOFL, what kinds of self care do you enjoy? The more frivolous the better! What kinds of activities did the two of you enjoy when you were first dating and falling for eachother? What kind of activities does he like to do for fun that you can still enjoy, even if a bit out of your comfort zone and not “your personality”? I love your idea of being silly with the kids, that child like energy is part of a playful maternal goddess! What fun things do you all enjoy together as a family?

biohacking-babe · 2024-07-31T12:08:01+00:00

I read the first paragraph, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt … HE is the problem 🤦🏾‍♀️

TheBunk_TB · 2024-07-30T20:32:38+00:00

Serious question: What do you read?

LankyPerception9390 · 2024-07-30T23:47:34+00:00

Try listen to humor podcast or just general interesting podcast while you clean, that works for me

acorn735764 · 2024-07-31T00:04:23+00:00

We’re here for you. Sorry you’re going through this.

Due-Tea1484 · 2024-07-31T13:55:16+00:00

Similar personalities in my marriage, and after stopping partying/drinking I realized I’m not much fun either. I’ve allowed myself to get excited about the things I like even if they aren’t typical “fun” things - Disney dreamlight valley on my Nintendo switch, decorating my planners, trips to the library, studying to be a peer counselor. Also has helped me finding a mom friend who is super active and participating on things that get me slightly out of my comfort zone but not too far. Fun looks different for people and my hubby and kids like to see me smiling. I do set the tone for my home whether I like it or not so I decided during Covid to prioritize being “fun and light” despite my melancholy personality.

MimiToAFHOF · 2024-08-01T03:46:15+00:00

OP so sorry you were going through this. It is easy for people to tell you to leave when they don’t actually know some of the things you may be worried about if you are a stay at home mom and you leave. What would your job be can hear forward to pay you support, most women when they leave after being a stayed home mom or poor do you really want that and they say oh find someone who appreciate you you know how hard it is dating and dating with young children? Try to find a way to make it work, but in the meantime, pick up some job skills if you’re able to some education, whatever you were able to, take that other person‘s advice about fixing your marriage about the surrender wife or whatever do what you can but when people tell you to leave think twice before doing that!

Doomer_Queen69 · 2024-08-03T01:46:51+00:00

If you want to be playful and fun maybe you can joke about his infidelity. Tell him that every time he sends that woman a message he needs to put $100 in a jar for you. (Kind of like a cussing jar).

Tell him that you don't care to hear about his texting, tell him to just make a deposit in the jar if he's texted her. Set a jar out that says something like romantic texting outside of the marriage. And he needs to go out and buy you a new car to make up for him leaving you for her previously however briefly. Tell him that you're sad because you married a cheater, then do a really cute pouty lip face with a baby voice, and that a new car would go a long way towards improving your mood. And tell him he can go cheat again if he wants, but he needs to take you car shopping beforehand. And if he brings her up again tell him he still owes you a car for when he left briefly the first time, and that you don't want to hear about his texting, that he can just put money in the jar if he's been texting.

After you've been working out for a while you can also challenge him to make you happy. Say, I'm not happy. I need you to plan something fun to make me happy. I'm bored, I want to have fun. Make it his job. These are just a few suggestions for how to bring some happiness and fun into the marriage for you.

LauraDoyleCoachKris · 2024-07-30T23:59:26+00:00

Hi,

That sounds very difficult…

Since you mentioned being the girl of fun and light I think you are already familiar with, “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle? Finding her work was life changing and marriage transforming!

Before I found her work, I was trying to change myself into what I thought my husband wanted me to be and this was not working….By getting coaching and diving into her relationship skills I learned (still learning!) to be authentic to myself and to keep asking myself, “how do I feel and what do I want”? This helps be be GOFL more than anything!

Her book and podcasts are amazing and I can imagine that you will find a way to bring joy into your life for YOU! This in turn will be magnetic…and can ultimately make your marriage better!

There is a lot of hope for you and your situation!

Seraphic220 · 2024-07-30T23:54:35+00:00

I once saw a couple in the same situation as you. Now they freely talk together about how the husband had an affair and how his wife hired a detective to investigate. Now he has completely changed, no longer has affairs and is completely devoted to his family. I've been around them for a long time, this is what I witnessed.

After making the vows at the ceremony, for me, it will not be like dating and then breaking up.

Regarding your question, I suggest finding joy in your own life. You don't need to appear happy, you should find happiness inside. He doesn't respect you at all, and makes you sad. So create a distance for yourself and stop paying attention to him. The wife i know she traveled around the world. Find your connection to your emotions and body. I suggest a meditation group, psychotherapy or yoga, spending time with your child creating memories,... Refuse to be intimate until he changes. He needs to feel punished. If you are for your children, then don't argue in front of them, and don't let his adultery affect your children's psychology.

BookwormInTheCouch · 2024-07-31T18:05:39+00:00

Honey, there's nothing wrong with being a calm and quiet person, there's a lot of men out there that would appreciate you for the person you are.

If he really wants that "joyous" girl (which is already unrealistic, no one is going to be innocent and happy 24/7, specially when life responsabilities come into play) then let him. He clearly doesn't like you for who you are, stop trying to force a relashionship that was broken a while ago. Believe me, your kids will benefit from it in the long run instead of having to watch you change for a boy that's not worth any effort and will keep breaking your trust. There's nothing to save here.

AutoModerator · 2024-07-30T19:24:27+00:00

Title: How to be the “goddess of fun and light” when it’s not your personality?

Author 123me_anon

Full text: Last year, my husband left me for someone and his reasoning was that she was fun and made him happy. We are now back together, but he keeps reaching out to her and the reason he tells me is because she is fun and I’m not.

I’m naturally just a calm, quiet person. I also have anxiety and depression. He gets upset that in my free time I will just relax on the couch and read a book or scroll through my phone. He says I am just sitting on the couch looking depressed and I kill the vibe of the house. He says he wants me to be happy and joyous.

I want to be more fun and flirty and exciting for him, but I just don’t know how, it’s not my personality. What can I do to start implementing behaviors to make me the goddess of fun and light? How can I be more like this girl that was always fun and drinking and the life of the party?

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FastLifePineapple · 2024-07-30T20:55:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

faerie87 · 2024-07-31T09:42:39+00:00

I ended a marriage mainly because I did not enjoy my time with my ex.

What do you do with your husband for fun? Are the topics of conversation interesting or stimulating? What does he enjoy doing and consider fun?

Unfortunately you two may simply be incompatible.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-07-31T16:43:24+00:00

What are your husband's hobbies? How old are the kids?

pearlsandstilettos · 2024-08-01T12:03:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Independent-Story883 · 2024-08-01T12:22:21+00:00

Try to:

Box up resentment. Put it away to work on in private.

Actively engage in Imaginative Role play.

Resolve not to talk about the drudgery of life until a set day or time. “Tuesdays are tough talk Tuesdays.” Afterwards a sincere effort at light hearted discussions the remainder of the week. Not silence

Learn more about him and bring him mental treats he would find surprising: Say he is into sports- research some facts about the team, his favorite players and use it to start conversations.

Invest time and energy into finding hobbies that bring you joy apart from him- share your adventures. Let him see how excited you get from bouldering all day. The brightness in your eyes as you play a song on a guitar for the first time, etc. Relate that feeling to something he does for you. “ when played that first note it felt like the first time we kissed at the movies

Hang in there!

manolosandmartinis44 · 2024-08-01T20:41:06+00:00

my husband left me for someone

I am sorry to read this.

ArdentBandicoot · 2024-08-02T06:36:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Mysterious_Ad4310 · 2024-08-04T13:49:48+00:00

Leave that fucker gal, love yourself. Lol

CJCreggsGoldfish · 2024-08-04T19:05:30+00:00

Couples therapy might help him to understand how his failure to be a full and equitable partner in your marriage contributes to your not being as much of a joyous and effervescent wit as he would like. Though from what you've described, it seems unlikely that he'll care much.

ChesireCatGrinnin · 2024-07-30T19:51:37+00:00

i don't think you need to change yourself to fit into his criteria of fun. but i do think you should replace the man you are with. what's the point of marriage if the man (or woman) will be out looking for "fun" and "drinks" with other people instead of focusing on the marriage?

Unique_Mind2033 · 2024-07-30T20:17:21+00:00

Try padmasana while u scroll your phone... Generally waking up earlier...or Taking on a passion project or siill

Title	How to be the “goddess of fun and light” when it’s not your personality?
Author	123me_anon
Upvotes	63
Comments	130
Date	July 30, 2024 7:24 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1eg26fg/how_to_be_the_goddess_of_fun_and_light_when_its/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-be-the-goddess-of-fun-and-light-when-its.1525810 https://theredarchive.com/post/1525810

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