Way too many guys on dating apps are clingy and most likely conflate that with being a good lover.

EetinAintCheetin · 2024-12-27T12:06:12+00:00

I am in complete agreement with your main point. I will go as far as to say, that the examples you have provided are actually very egregious and it doesn’t take nearly as much to signal neediness and clinginess. Often, it is simply a vibe a guy gives off.

It is also interesting that all unsuccessful daters will go to such lengths to defend their clinginess, when it is the single biggest thing that kills their chances with women. Unbelievable.

But while one can work hard to fix the behavior and this will certainly yield some results, at the end of the day, the only thing that works for sure is to change your belief system internally, so that you don’t emotionally depend on the affection of women to be happy and fulfilled. Until then, neediness and clinginess will rear its ugly head sooner or later.

Edit:

It would be great if you could add WHY clinginess is such a turn off. I have my theory, but I’m always curious as to what others think, especially from a female perspective.

Sea_Poppy · 2024-12-27T10:57:49+00:00

As a very closed-off guy w/ no experience dating, I take stuff like this to heart. I can't fathom how these dudes around me pour their soul out on women the second they get shown an ounce of kindness. Ive had it destroy my friend groups, lead to really uncomfortable conversations, stalking, etc.

It must come down to putting women on a pedestal. They skip the whole getting to know this human being step and reduce them to a caricature of the perfect GF in their imagination.

I'm so much in the opposite direction that it's a problem. Hand over your written consent that I can flirt or I'll assume you're just being nice, lol.

wtknight · 2024-12-27T15:24:51+00:00

I know people really want a relationship, but cant you wait until like date 5 to be pulling this shit?

It's stranger to me having sex on date 1 then playing at loving boyfriend before date 5. While I think some of the behavior is excessive, I don't have a problem with a couple that tries to behave lovingly in a relationship quickly, as this to me is the goal of relationships rather than just casually having sex and ghosting a person like how many dating app scenarios turn out.

Exotic_Pen_8604 · 2024-12-27T10:56:13+00:00

Most men havnt been touched. Most women get daily affection to the point it annoys them. Men get close to nothing. Men unconciously crave what they dont get. Clingy because men are so much more alone than a women will ever realize. Facts. Im out goodluck bitches

Clean-Luck6428 · 2024-12-27T15:32:04+00:00

I dunno…. The culture has shifted in the past 2 or 3 years. Prior to the pandemic and slightly after, you’d absolutely get penalized for even replying too quickly or with too much text.

Now they literally unmatch you if you don’t reply soon enough. We’re kinda in the simp era atm.

I guess we still have people with trust issues who do project that people who come on strong are clingy. But it’s projection.

Even the redefinition of love bombing (essentially making it synonymous with limerence) by social media points to people who have trust issues

TopShelfSnipes · 2024-12-27T12:54:04+00:00

Yes, this is completely true.

Almost every guy I've advised on dating who has struggled with dating has this problem. If he's OLD, he matches with her, decides he likes her and is immediately head over heels. Alternative, if he's IRL, he asks her out, she says yes, and he is head over heels before the first date.

I agree it's offputting because it gives off desperation vibes. It conveys either 1) that he is low status and puts women on a pedestal because he views them as above him (which is offputting) or 2) that he is so desperate for a relationship/intimacy that "any girl will do" and there is nothing special about her, and his clinginess is an attempt to "lock her down" not for who she is but what she can offer which is not specific to her and therefore there is no value in the connection.

I haven't personally witnessed it (when reviewing friends' texts, etc.) in exactly the way you've mentioned - those examples are either extreme outliers or hyperbolic exaggerations, but usually I've seen it manifested as stretched out attempts to draw a connection where a tenuous one at best exists or exaggerate the value of what the two of them are. It also manifests itself as presumptuousness, and dumping heavy feelings after a date.

As a hypothetical, when I went on a good date, I used to send some variant of the same once I got home:

"Hey, just got home. Wanted to thank you for an amazing time tonight. Had way more fun than I was expecting. [Reference something we talked about]. Hope you had a safe trip home too, and that we can do it again sometime - goodnight!"

Guys who did the clingy thing would usually send something like:

"I really had a great time with you tonight. I think it's so funny how much we have in common. [Reference some coincidences or tenuous commonalities]. I really enjoyed our date a lot and would definitely love to take you out again and again. You're really amazing and I'm totally lucky to have met you! I think what we have is really special. Are you free tomorrow?"

I found that only creeps or the truly desperate would ever try to reference "cuddles" or anything like that after a first date. The most common simping behavior guys would do would be pretending to like something she's into just to impress her. "I had no idea XXXX was your favorite show. I've watched it a few times and liked it myself, but now I'm totally gonna binge all the episodes before our next date so we can talk about it" - that kinda thing.

Whiskeymyers75 · 2024-12-28T02:44:24+00:00

Women who don’t get much male attention are just as clingy. It’s easy to not be clingy when many people want you.

Financial_Camp2183 · 2024-12-28T08:13:49+00:00

Another day another Lilith thread where her comments just read like she's responding to a made up argument in her head.

Every_Pirate_7471 · 2024-12-27T10:08:22+00:00

If you have a lot going on in life ie work, responsibilities, hobbies, family, other friends then you probably wouldnt have the extra time to be clingy to a girlfriend.

Werevulvi · 2024-12-28T13:55:27+00:00

women will call men too clingy but at the same time be annoyed or lose interest when they don't escalate things quickly enough. Where is the balance at?

Every_Pirate_7471 · 2024-12-27T10:37:45+00:00

Not for nothing but no man is going to want to put in the effort to maintain contact with someone they aren’t even friends with for a month and a half while regelated to the “no feelings zone” while you are also, presumably, dating other men.

My_House_on_Mars · 2024-12-27T15:05:13+00:00

This is so true. It comes off as fake. Your can't possibly be in love when we've met twice. In any case that's called limerance, which is being in love with an idea, not a real person

MikeArrow · 2024-12-27T11:19:20+00:00

“I wanna cuddle with you.” “Oh youre feeling stressed out? I wish I can cuddle with you and make it all go away.”and “What’s my favorite show? Whatever we watch while we cuddle.”

This is literally me. How did you find my messages?

But the thing is... I do want to cuddle with them. Cuddling is literally the most contented feeling you can possibly have in the world. Why wouldn't you want to do it as much as possible?

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Gold_Supermarket1956 · 2024-12-27T15:23:36+00:00

Imma say this as simple as I can, these men have been wandering a desert for ages with out water and when they finally find an oasis and they are dying of thirst you don't think they aren't gonna drink as much as they possibly can to satiate that thirst

2024-12-27T16:15:53+00:00

You have no source. All of this was made up.

meisterkraus · 2024-12-27T16:30:11+00:00

You never explained how the two premises of your title relate to each other. Way too many is so subjective that we can't argue against it.

Is it an issue for some men having problems on dating apps but it is not a majority. The main problems are getting little to no matches and women not communicating on the apps.

IHATEPOWERMODS · 2024-12-27T18:16:34+00:00

First thing, this is not the way men were meant to made flirt, It's a double-edged sword, you see, there's so many fuckboys around Tinder that women have come to be suspicious of everything a guy does in the very limited digital landscape they're interacting with, so the same behavior you criticizing here as beign too easily attached is getting encouraged by other women, and I don't mean an insignicant minority. So in order to set themselves apart from the hookups and also show a bit of intetion without having to be too straightforward to risk their prospects this is the obvious conclusion we end up with, which is not ideal, but solves an issue of intetion nuance with nobody getting harmed. It doesn't mean it's disingenuous really. Problem is, some people will think this is a bit upfront to take.

I think this goes to show that not every person wants the same things and the way women take every approach impacts them more than they think. Things like "icks", "red flags", "green flags" and all that bullshit, you better believe, we're taking notes and taking some of this seriously, positive and negative feedback shapes our behavior in dating a fucking lot. The culture men and women experience in dating are always a product of their own expectations.

InitialPaths989 · 2024-12-27T18:38:19+00:00

What in the heck, this is terrible. I don’t even like to give away I even want them. I just talk to them, then kiss them outside so it’s more like a surprise and they feel validated.

Some guys are simps, it must help them some way I’m not sure why they do this. I’ve asked women to be my girlfriend after one night together if she stays, I just say you should be my girlfriend and they say okay, women don’t like being all romantic these days.

throwawaypi123 · 2024-12-27T19:07:02+00:00

I used to agree with this premise myself. I would be like yeh why are people so clingy. Why do they ramp up intimacy so quickly isnt it too much?

Me and my girlfriend took a while (still faster than I wanted) to be so touchy feely. But she is very touchy feely now. Plus she wished I was more willing to be much earlier in our relationship. Because the reality is that people who are open and willing to be vulnerable are the healthy ones. The reason you are like that is because you are jaded like I was. Being jaded is exactly how you end up in a bad relationships because healthy people are open to vulnerability pretty much instantly. Good relationships ramp up very quickly.

Sometimes you have to do the complete opposite of your own gut feelings and see if that provides different results. For me it produced easily the best relationship I have ever had.

twilightlatte · 2024-12-27T11:33:58+00:00

Yes, this is true.

Source: I dated as a lesbian for years. I only preferred to date other lesbians, but they were in extremely short supply. It was hell to try to find someone even remotely compatible, let alone someone with whom I had chemistry. Men of all sorts have been interested in me since I came out as bisexual, and let me tell you, heterosexuals of all sorts massively overstate their dating woes--even more common with the male crop. It's a walk in the park compared to gay dating. Trust me, I know. I dated women (and pursued them first) as a woman who cannot afford the same biological advantages a man could. You have half of the world at your feet. There's really no excuse.

markov_truwitt · 2024-12-27T15:32:59+00:00

Blah blah blah, they're hurting their chances the most by being on the apps at all.

HOLYREGIME · 2024-12-27T15:10:03+00:00

Some women like guys who love bomb them. Some women like guys who treat them like shit.

You seem to like guys who treat you poorly. I feel like most women fall into this category. They find these men the most attractive.

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-12-27T10:45:45+00:00

Looks entirely made up.

Who the fuck hugs on first date?

Livid-Log7463 · 2024-12-27T20:34:45+00:00

While unfortunate these are guys who have likely had few to no other options and are just trying to get SOMETHING out of talking on dating apps, these are guys who will be rejected regardless of what they say anyway.

LillthOfBabylon · 2024-12-27T23:09:42+00:00

I do get where you’re coming from OP but the other end of this curve is super brusque and businesslike interviewing and vetting of the other person with zero emotional engagement or availability.

Some people get attached easily and wear their heart on their sleeve. In a woman, this trait can be endearing (if a bit scary). Falling for another person early used to be a good sign.

I think maybe we are just living in hyper cynical materialistic times and have almost regressed back to marriage 1.0 where you attach yourself to someone for economic/social benefits and love develops perhaps later down the line, if ever. Thats why everything other than just fucking, zipping up instantly and catching an uber is now perceived as clingy. The avoidant attachment style people of this era are like a romantic aristocracy, all of society is engineered for their benefit.

Title	Way too many guys on dating apps are clingy and most likely conflate that with being a good lover.
Author	LillthOfBabylon
Upvotes	1
Comments	175
Date	December 27, 2024 10:05 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hnbsyz/way_too_many_guys_on_dating_apps_are_clingy_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/way-too-many-guys-on-dating-apps-are-clingy-and.1539637 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539637

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