Four years out of winning my divorce and I cannot find peace.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-05-29T23:56:46+00:00

It doesn't matter if you think you're a catch. Women need to think you're a catch. Everything you described about yourself means nothing to women, which is why you are invisible to them.

Go to the gym, build a nice physique over the next few years, and you'll have all the first dates you can handle. Average won't cut it.

Second and subsequent dates will be dependent on your personality. Relationships will be dependent on your ability to connect emotionally with women.

Don't listen to all the red pill BS about what women want. All they want is a hot guy who knows how to have fun, and who can be a container for their chaos.

SynthGains · 2026-05-29T07:02:06+00:00

Being at catch is not.. Being 6 feet tall, or having a prestigious job, or making money (it helps)

Being a catch means taking care of yourself both physically (gym) and mentally (therapy, being emotionally intelligent, learning to be grounded, and prioritizing your kids).

Yes, you have to be attractive, i.e., not overweight, clean up well, then once you pass that, you have to be healthy. Read above.

No offense, you don't seem healthy, and I don't mean medically.

Plastic_Canary_6637 · 2026-05-29T02:51:42+00:00

Hard truth, you didn’t “win” the divorce bc there are no winners. The title of your post sounds like someone trying to cope with his situation by creating a false narrative rather than accepting it for what it is. You got cheated on, that sucks but you don’t have to meet someone to “prove her wrong”. She cheated that’s on her, you likely made some mistakes too, and that’s on you, but your worth is not define by whether someone else wants to date you and until you figure that out you shouldn’t get into a relationship with anyone. Process your own trauma first

You sound so desperate to meet someone that your post sounds like someone who doesn’t really know himself. You complain about having a vasectomy but do you want to have more kids? I can guarantee you that there are plenty of women out there that are perfectly happy to not have more kids, just read posts on this forum. If you can’t meet women despite being good on paper, you’re probably still carrying baggage from your marriage into your dates. Get into therapy and figure yourself out. Your self worth needs to be independent of other peoples approval. Once you feel good about yourself from the inside, you’ll be ready to meet people and have them enter into your life in a healthy way.

RespectInevitable479 · 2026-05-28T16:53:22+00:00

Get more money the women will follow

kmnplease00 · 2026-05-28T15:30:52+00:00

there's a procedure they get the semen straight from your sac so no problems with ur tubes gettinf snipped.

mluc78 · 2026-05-28T10:58:02+00:00

If you’re like me dating was an adjustment after being married for so long. I forgot how to date. Being a catch on paper is not enough. On a recommendation I read the book Models by Mark Manson. I’m not going to say it’s the Bible of dating but it was a game changer. If at the least it’s a great refresher of how to be genuinely attractive and interact with woman. The section on polarization is so obvious but needs to be heard. Rejection is information. And when I go on dates instead of wondering if she likes me, all I’m worried about is if I really like her. That creates a dynamic that can be really intriguing cause it forces you to engage her more and brag less. Most woman hate dating because all the guy does is talk about or sell themselves all night. Also avoid dinner dates to start. It’s all in the book….

And with the apps. I found being on as many as possible upped the chances. You don’t have to pay, make sure you have great photos. Not the ones where you’re holding a fish or standing in front of a dirty mirror LOL. There’s resources for what a good selection of photos looks like. Have some fun with the profile description. Humor is the way. And don’t hang on the apps. Treat them like a side quest. I found matches would happen when I stopped caring. It’s like when you’re lost, sometimes the best thing to do is stop moving.

LaCathedrale · 2026-05-28T06:19:36+00:00

Hi bud.

Vasectomies can be reversed (I have a friend who did this and then had a third kid with a new wife). Forget that horrid lady, there are far better birds out there for you to find. I would agree with other posters here that women gravitate towards confidence and frankly I just faked it until I made it on my first few days. I'm taking a break from that now, but I'm shy of 5'8, tubby, and while I have a nice job/house none of the people I'm dated even saw that before they were kissing/shagging me.

bytwokaapi · 2026-05-28T03:10:43+00:00

peace is not something you find, its a state of mind you practice. Change and chaos are the only constants in life.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-05-28T02:42:45+00:00

You’re a catch on paper but no result? Then it’s all in your head.

ehllz · 2026-05-28T00:36:14+00:00

You can reverse a vasectomy.

Smokebomb1975 · 2026-05-28T00:12:06+00:00

I’ve been there. I got everything in the divorce. Same situation, I’m a catch to just about any girl. My ex got several new men and probably a handful more. She’s hot as fuck. But I don’t want someone that is in to me for what I have to offer. So it’s been a couple years of just doing me. Then out of the blue,I went to lunch at a local brewery and the waitress had said something to another customer about dirt bike riding. Dirt bikes are my thing so I asked her what that was all about and here we are a year later. Life is crazy. Work on yourself and do you and wait till somebody comes into your life that aligns with everything that you are.

GurSpecialist9176 · 2026-05-27T23:46:34+00:00

I’d echo some of what others have said.

For starters, you’ve gotta work on you. Get that self esteem up.

Beyond that, honestly you have to figure out how to stand out in the dating scene, because it suuuuucks out there.

I’m like you, tall, think I’m decent looking, good job, have my shit together. And just getting on an app and sitting there doesn’t do anything.

Honestly hinge is the best app because it lets you show some personality when you like them. Don’t just like a dumb picture and hope for a response. Reply to something they said in an interesting or funny way. That is by far the most success I’ve had. Find a different way to ask questions that isn’t the standard boring dumb shit they’ve heard 100 times. You’ve gotta figure out how to be different.

Also just honestly, don’t have standards too high. Those 9s and 10s on there are for one getting bombarded daily, and also probably kind of suck anyways.

One_Mathematician864 · 2026-05-27T22:42:25+00:00

Vasectomies are reversible. So you can always decide if you want more children.
If you approach women with the attitude you've shared here, none are going to want to be around you. You need to get into some therapy and heal that wound and leave the past behind, move forward!
There a plenty women who don't want kids. Having a vasectomy is not a deal breaker.
Please stop making your entire self worth revolve around women. The right woman will come along once you stop making it a focus.

Schmetts · 2026-05-27T22:20:05+00:00

You can get a reversal to the vasectomy if that's what you want. My dad did it at some point and now I have a sister 16 years younger than me.

I would suggest getting therapy if you're not already. I would suggest that looking for a "replacement" (your word) for your ex-wife is not a great way to view the situation and start from there. It's hard though! Good luck.

Dwro1234 · 2026-05-27T21:39:17+00:00

Get a therapist, it'll help get some perspective and how to deal with these pent up emotions. It'll also address your internal need to be with someone.
You need to learn to be happy on your own and with your kids. Only then should you even consider dating again.
You don't want to be with someone who is mid 30s and wants their first kid. They're dating with the intention to get pregnant and marry. Instead you should look for someone that wants to date to find a lasting connection. Yes, those are very different things.

I'm almost 40, have custody of my 3 kids, and I don't have time to date. Being a single dad is the biggest disqualifier in the dating world.

Any_Inevitable_8391 · 2026-05-27T21:37:31+00:00

Hey bro, just stop completely for now. You don't love yourself or care enough about yourself and you expect some woman to come see that and care more than you do. That makes no sense. So just stop dating, stop trying to make friends. Make friends with yourself, invest time in yourself. Go to the gym, get on trt if you need to. Start going to a traditional church and give up trying to fit into a role you arent prepared for. in time you'll find the value in your heart and it will be a beacon that others will be drawn to naturally. if you can just stop then theres no hope for you.

painfulletdown · 2026-05-27T21:30:43+00:00

it's not the vasectomy dude, many chicks are lazy or selfish and dont wanna date a guy with kids. you are not the problem.

Sadman_OW · 2026-05-27T20:53:13+00:00

I’m someone who’s still working through his own issues, so please recognize that this is someone who doesn’t have all the answers. For context I’m 5 months post catching my wife of 13 years cheating. 2 months post divorce being finalized.

From my perspective, you seem to still be dealing with a lot of emotions from the divorce and some insecurities. I had a brief 2 month relationship and afterwards I realized I still have a lot to work on and was essentially using this relationship to fill a void. My ex and I met in high school, so I literally don’t know how to be happy on my own. Even though I desperately want to meet someone, I’m just not making any attempts right now because I need to make myself confident in myself first.

In my brief relationship, my gf said she really appreciated how I spoke about my divorce/ex and the mental work I was doing on myself. Women don’t want to hear about how tore up you still are. They don’t want to hear you “won” your divorce. They instead want to hear that you learned a lot and did a lot of self reflection afterwards.

I also have to catch myself whenever I talk to a woman to get out of the mindset of “this might be my next wife” and instead just look to meet someone. There’s no guarantee that a date will be anything past that. So don’t put the pressure on yourself and these women to be the next love of your life.

Take sometime and learn how to be more confident in yourself. Don’t just say you’ve got a good job and money. But instead find out what hobbies you enjoy and the things that make you happy.

anotheramerican1 · 2026-05-27T20:50:28+00:00

Exact thing happened to me. Vasectomy-> divorce. I guess this is a trending tactic.

ToughPill · 2026-05-27T20:49:42+00:00

You’re worthy of love regardless of whether or not you have the attentions of a woman. Don’t give up, but don’t ever say that your ex wife was right and that you’re unlovable because you can’t “find” someone. Looking for external validation that way is dangerous.

leaving4me · 2026-05-27T20:09:34+00:00

You may look into a reversal. You may also consider a therapist. You have money and a good job, but lack of confidence = lack of women.

federally · 2026-05-27T20:04:55+00:00

I'm just going to be blunt, you are failing at dating because you aren't a catch. You are an insecure, incomplete man trying to find a person to make you whole. Any worthwhile person, is going to see the red flags and run.

The only successes you will have will be with other similarly damaged people.

You need to spend time on you, build a fulfilling life and then consider finding a romantic partner to add to it

best_exit2023 · 2026-05-27T19:56:29+00:00

Sue the bitch for the sterilization

weightedbook · 2026-05-27T19:52:09+00:00

I've only dated two women post-divorce. I learned that I'm not ready to date yet, but that's not the point. I got a vasectomy shortly after the divorce (I have two young children). Both women, one with kids, one without kids, thought it was great that I was snipped. Taking birth control into my own hands (balls) was sexy. You can adopt. You can get a reversal. Both options are incredibly far down the road.

doppleganger2621 · 2026-05-27T19:49:25+00:00

Don’t give up tbh. At age 37, I started dating a girl who was 32 and didn’t want kids of her own but was totally fine being a stepparent. Those women do exist out there. You just have to be patient

RespectInevitable479 · 2026-05-27T19:44:37+00:00

Get a reversal

Virtual-Mixture8381 · 2026-05-27T19:00:12+00:00

I’m going to be straight forward and consider blocking out any other noise about this. Women cannot love anyone. They love how something makes them feel. It is never personal or specific. It’s the reason not so perfect sex can break up a great marriage for them.

That type of love comes with conditions. I personally call it not real. Ever since acknowledging and separating myself from it, the amount of emotional freedom I have is something I would have envied in another man years ago when I cared about this whole “loveable” concept.

Go have sex with some strippers, eat the food you love, the music, movies & games you enjoy, try & count the blessings if you have them and live your life.

CRobinsFly · 2026-05-27T18:54:04+00:00

Bro you won the damn lottery here. Quit your bitchin!

I do have some specific advice though that might help you:

First, stop tying your self worth to women! Your life is about you and to a lesser extent, your children, congratz on getting significant custody of them. From the other details you conveyed about yourself, youre high value, most of these women come nowhere close to you.

Secondly, stop disclosing your vasectomy status to women. Seriously. Let these women who made it to their early 30s without children suffer the consequences of their past choices - they probably wont have children, too bad. I mean, do they tell you that after they get the prerequisite amount of children they desire, theyre gonna divorce/sue you for custody CS? Most will eventually do that, even moreso if you have wealth which you likely do. This happened to me because I gave a child to a 34yo women I was in love with and have been suing for an appropriate amount of custody of our child for 4 years now, longer than I was even with her! Just take your turn with them and enjoy it. You already got the children you wanted.

As reflog says in his comment: practice some gratitude.

hindumafia · 2026-05-27T18:48:17+00:00

are you rich enough to afford sugar babies ?

NobbyStiles66 · 2026-05-27T18:43:48+00:00

The vasectomy thing is absolutely terrible.

Reflog1791 · 2026-05-27T18:42:14+00:00

Look into practicing gratitude.

Also have you tried golf? Solved all of my divorce problems.

Your steak is too juicy and your lobster is too buttery for crying out loud I can’t believe you would even consider risking it on placating another woman’s wants.

47omek · 2026-05-27T18:39:58+00:00

You're assigning FAR too much of your feelings about yourself to the whims of the women around you and whether they find you "worthy". Why do you care what they think? If you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you are doing the right things for yourself and your children that is all the validation you really need to know that you're a good man. The thoughts of flighty women are completely outside your control and as you've seen when dealing with your ex either don't have that much to do with what kind of man you are at all or have a lot more to do with what said woman thinks she can get out of you. It's truly freeing when you get to the point of not caring whatsoever what any woman in particular or all women for that matter thinks of you. They don't know what you've gone through or everything that you do for your family, you do. They aren't some mystical arbiters of value and worth based on whether they allow you to put your penis in their vagina. They're people just like any others. You acting like your ex forced you into a vasectomy speaks to your misplaced thoughts of her authority - you had final choice in the matter, she didn't sneak up on you while you were sleeping with a scalpel. Take authority in your own life and quit assigning your value to the whims of others.

One-Specialist-4983 · 2026-05-27T18:16:56+00:00

Do you want more kids?

If yes- it is possible to reverse vasectomies especially if it is a recent one.

If no - keep looking, there definitely are people out there who do not want kids.

Title	Four years out of winning my divorce and I cannot find peace.
Author	Ok_Perception_1836
Upvotes	60
Comments	61
Date	May 27, 2026 6:09 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tpdnc4/four_years_out_of_winning_my_divorce_and_i_cannot/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/four-years-out-of-winning-my-divorce-and-i-cannot.1581415 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581415

Comments