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Does this seem controlling? I’m no longer dating this guy, but he would tell me I couldn’t wear certain things or make any new guy friends and if I objected, he said that I didn’t give a fuck about him. If I thought he was being controlling he frequently called me crazy and irrational

spiceylifey

August 9, 2020

48 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

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Post Information

Title	Does this seem controlling? I’m no longer dating this guy, but he would tell me I couldn’t wear certain things or make any new guy friends and if I objected, he said that I didn’t give a fuck about him. If I thought he was being controlling he frequently called me crazy and irrational
Author	spiceylifey
Upvotes	48
Comments	51
Date	August 9, 2020 9:39 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i6rrau/does_this_seem_controlling_im_no_longer_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/does-this-seem-controlling-im-no-longer-dating.58893 https://theredarchive.com/post/58893

Comments

[–]sexualfoodpantryFDS Newbie135 points136 points137 points 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]CassieGreen85FDS Apprentice23 points24 points25 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]dalenoriahFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]heleninthealpsFDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Phoenix__Rising2018Ruthless Strategist74 points75 points76 points 5 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 46 points47 points48 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist45 points46 points47 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Phoenix__Rising2018Ruthless Strategist34 points35 points36 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]HahaneFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]RiteWriterFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[+][deleted] 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Im definitely not going to go back to him. It’s really hard though because he was such a big part of my life. Honestly he made my life revolve entirely around him. If I wasn’t at work I was basically expected to text him constantly (unless I texted him a time frame that I’d be gone, like 20 min to take a shower, 1 hour to eat dinner with my family, etc.. if I didn’t meet the time frame he’d get upset with me). It got to the point that he wanted me to FaceTime him 24/7 and go about my day so he could watch me (including when I was in online classes for example). I didn’t feel like this was normal, but he guilted me into that stuff by saying that I didn’t care about him or didn’t want to spend time with him.

Im a pretty independent introverted person, so that much contact was waaaay to much for me. The relationship only lasted 6 months, but he isolated me from a lot of my friends and I’m slowly trying to rebuild those relationships. I feel really lonely though. Even though I enjoy my solitude, part of me misses the companionship. I don’t miss the control or the fighting at all, and that was a large portion of the relationship. But I really did love him. I was convinced we would get married someday, even though the relationship only lasted 6 months, because at the beginning it was amazing. And I know I was an imperfect girlfriend and I did plenty of things on my own to mess up the relationship. But the entire time we only focused on my faults and how I was a screw up. He would always hold my mistakes over my head and continuously bring them up whenever I mentioned something he did to hurt me.

Near the end of our relationship he told me he realized he had screwed things up and he wanted to change and be better. I was too checked out then and it was over for me. Part of me wonders if we could have been happy again if I had stayed, but I’m not going back now. It just really hurts. Like even though he hurt me a lot I’m not angry with him now, I don’t hate him or wish him anything bad. I still love him and that’s the worst part I think. Sorry for the rant haha

[+][deleted] 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]PasdepromessesFDS Disciple36 points37 points38 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]CatSweetsFDS Newbie37 points38 points39 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]MalloryDameFDS Apprentice22 points23 points24 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Rebirthed_QueenFDS Apprentice22 points23 points24 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist48 points49 points50 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]KetoKittenAroundFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]PizzaPigeonFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 21 points22 points23 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]sorshiiFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]dntbfllikeididPickmeisha™️15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]SavvyInNYCFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]staywiththecrownFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]psilocybeanieFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]SavvyInNYCFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Icchy24FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]SpringJonesOceanFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]wtfisthisgoingonhereFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Elegant-StopFDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]RiteWriterFDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]h_witkoPickmeisha™️7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ggirlNCFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

My friend had an ex like this.

She thought it was fun that he would take her shopping, nevermind that the clothes he bought didn’t reflect her usual style (she didn’t dress overly promiscuous, but wasn’t peak modesty either).

She thought it was sweet that he would show up at the clubs we were at saying things like “he missed her” or “wanted to meet her friends”. He was kind to us, bought us drinks, but would be so glued with her that we (her friends) could barely dance with her.

Slowly she stopped texting us back because “he didn’t like her being on her phone with him”.

She started losing weight because he would comment that she was gaining a few pounds around her stomach. Her eyes looked hollow. We thought she was sick.

Finally we stopped being able to reach her at all. He had blocked our numbers from her phone and since she was always with him, she didn’t notice.

Until I got a call around 3:30am from her begging me to come get her because he had hit her because her ex messaged her on Facebook (how is that even her fault?). Anyway, I drove to his house, she snuck out the window. She blocked him on everything, moved, and came back to us.

You dodged a bullet.

[–]spiceylifeyFDS Newbie[S] 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]gscoutjFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ImPiqued1111111FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]thepastamancerFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]mynameisrominkaFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]loudest_gussetFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Just wow. Textbook abuse. I remember a twitter post that read something along the lines of:

Fellas, would you let your girl go out in this? (Image of a woman in a crop top with significant cleavage.)

Re: If you can't handle dating a bad b****, don't date a bad b****.

I don't mind that word when used in a positive context, so I agree with the sentiment. I'm not a fan of cleavage, but I like wearing very short and/or tight bottoms when I'm not at work. One day my bf and I were going to his friend's house for a small get together and some board games. After getting dressed in my usual kind of outfit, oversized conservative sweater with extremely tight short shorts and thigh highs, I asked him if it bothered him how I dressed. I wasn't going to change depending on his answer, but I figured it was a good opportunity to discover if he had controlling tendencies.

He said, he loves everything I wear, but even if he didn't that's none of his business and I should feel comfortable wearing anything that I wanted to. He also said that it's expected that people stare, but he knows that I chose to be with him, so he has no reason to feel insecure about it, and if I felt unsafe, uncomfortable, or he noticed someone leering he would make sure to protect me. Almost a year later and he's definitely lived up to all those promises. Honestly, I just expected him to say he likes my outfits, but he exceeded those expectations.

[–]JasmineAndClovesFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

WITAF? This man sounds like a psychopath. Let me guess ... was he super charming in the beginning? I’m so sorry. It sounds like he was just on his best behavior initially and once he felt like he had you locked down, he decided to start grooming you. Props to you for recognizing this as the insanely abusive behavior that it is. Your instincts were NOT wrong. I honestly hope you have this man blocked on absolutely everything because it would not surprise me if he were to lose his shit now that you’ve pulled the plug.

My mother’s childhood best friend ended up married to a man like this. Their bad behavior does not get better over time. It escalates. Dramatically. She ended up developing cancer. Her husband was so controlling that he would do things like put child locks on the computer so she couldn’t use the internet or cut the phone line if they got into an argument. She lived out her final days abused, miserable and isolated from all her friends and family. He had also taken control of her pain medication and was dispensing it to her. We’re still not sure whether or not her passing was due to foul play.

Don’t mourn this guy. Be grateful to yourself for having the insight and strength to walk away. Much love to you. Stay safe ❤️

[–]PsychologicalBeat2FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]marsupialfaceFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Throwawaylikehay1 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

You think that his possessiveness is cute and endearing.

It’s not. Don’t get any closer to him.

He sees you as property and will try molding you into the woman he wants you to be, instead of the woman that you are now. He will try to have you dependent on him and trauma bonding with him so you can’t leave. And even if you can leave, the trauma bond will make you feel as if your hearts are still aligned together, that you will still make excuses for him, that you will not see the true malignant person that he is. He is not making these choices for your own good or for your own sake!

Trust me. You deserve a healthy relationship. The “sweet” guy you thought he was is only a mirage. He can snap back and forth between loving and derogatory. Do not hold on thinking things will get better.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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