I think I miss being single

PmMeYourFountainPens · 2020-12-26T23:52:36+00:00

It has been my experience that when I meet a guy that completely occupies my head space, he turns out to be an energy vampire. Perhaps this is your mind trying to warn you?

Shouldn’t thoughts of the right man be like smelling a bouquet of flowers? You out there livin your life and then very briefly and subtly you get the faintest scent and it brings a smile to your face. Then you go back to livin life.

souredskittles · 2020-12-26T23:49:38+00:00

Seems like he’s not the one sis. You wouldn’t feel like you were wasting so much mental energy. If you found some issues I wouldn’t waste more brain power trying to figure out how it will unfold.

Look for peacefulness in relationships. These are the good ones and actually allow you to do well in life.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-12-27T02:22:22+00:00

This is a great question.

I’m very much a giver and a pleaser in romantic relationships

I feel this so hard. But I became permanently burned out, especially after finding FDS. I had to read here daily to actively deprogram myself from the man-pleasing mindset and learn to receive without reciprocating the same and then some. Dating isn't a meritocracy where you have to overachieve to be "worthy," nor would men make good judges of such a system.

Wondering if having amazing chemistry with someone is worth losing part of myself

Absolutely not. Been there, done that. It's the quickest way to feel deeply unsatisfied. Even if the man you date isn't harming you with NVM tactics, you will deep down feel cheated in life IMO.

but I also never settle and very picky so if someone is in my life they really have to bring something unique to the table

Good! So what does he bring to the table? What did he add to your life in the past 2 months? (Besides "having a boyfriend label" or "he looks good on paper")

scritchandsnaff · 2020-12-26T23:31:51+00:00

Do you really want and desire to build a relationship with this man? I think were all coming from a place here that the only way you're vetting a man is if hes presenting himself in your life in a way that completely benefits and interests you far more then your regular day to day.

If you're feeling that you could drop contact with him and continue living your life just the same why put in the effort?

Value your peace of mind more then the idea of the company of a man.

orangeboobert · 2020-12-26T23:35:29+00:00

No relationship good or bad is worth losing yourself, EVER. If you’re losing yourself then boundaries are being broken/tested. I myself become resentful when I lose myself and give more than I receive. So not worth it. If it ends, you’re left w a shell of who you were. The right person wants you to be your youest you and would not accept your sacrificing yourself for him.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2020-12-27T01:02:36+00:00

Pre- FDS i dated a guy for a few months- like he took me on dates, opened doors, had a really good job, doted, so basically "on paper" good. For this reason I continued to say yes when he asked me out to see a gig or dinner etc. One day I realised that he was draining me, I didn't feel excited to see him and I felt relief when I would leave his house or his mine. Bottom line I just couldn't stand him. But It took me so long to release because I was analytical of his behaviour and his friends and past relationships but forgot to just feel and know how I felt about him. if there is no spark over long distance/ on line chats and that is draining, maybe this has become a thing where you feel obligated to keep this going because he seams like a catch and more or less your following your logic more than your emotions?

GettingOffTheCrazy · 2020-12-27T02:34:16+00:00

Yes I do. I split up with my 20 year husband 2.5 years ago and did a lot of self work. Recently have been dating a really great guy for two months but I am torn between cutting him loose and keeping him around. I really loved the person I was becoming but the attention he requires takes energy that I could be spending elsewhere. He is a very good man though. Brings me flowers every week. Plans amazing dates during Covid (not easy in Los Angeles), bought me very thoughtful Christmas gifts, etc. I'm really torn.

Lamiek · 2020-12-26T23:37:26+00:00

Maybe this guy is perfect.

But if you prefer being alone, you prefer being alone. I 'm kind of in the same spot right now.

spicyspa · 2020-12-27T01:18:14+00:00

I think all of us have felt that way at some point. I think it's a good time to start enjoying being single again and grab some lemon bars. I'm addicted to them too.

Maude2010 · 2020-12-27T00:51:28+00:00

This is really why I’ve always been single. It’s true that there aren’t a lot of great men out there, but I have met some pretty good ones over the years...and I’m just never that happy being in a relationship. I’m extremely independent and introverted, and content with my own company. It’s not that I can’t love someone or enjoy his company. But I just can’t seem to find the time, energy or desire to see someone more than once every week or two, no matter how much I might like him, and that doesn’t tend to work for men who want a relationship. I’ve tried several times, and maybe if I met the “right” person I wouldn’t feel this war, but the fact is that even in good relationships, I miss being single.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2020-12-27T02:03:37+00:00

I’m curious why it feels like it has to be all or nothing with this guy. Like why can’t you continue the relationship but reclaim some boundaries. Makes me wonder whether he’s pushing your boundaries or there’s something about him that makes you feel like he won’t accept your boundaries.

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2020-12-26T23:34:40+00:00

[deleted]

fairywakes · 2020-12-27T06:50:13+00:00

Hi love. If you miss being single - you ought to be single. If this man isn’t adding to your life and is subsequently draining you, I’d call it quits. No need for you to feel this way now and certainly not in the future. No man is worth losing sleep over and misplacing your goals for.

missmadeofpain · 2020-12-27T01:12:47+00:00

If you’re a giver, and over thinking about him, and not a fan of online, it almost sounds like you’re an anxious/preoccupied attachment style. Especially from the way another poster here phrased something...it sounds like you aren’t setting boundaries and so you’re ofc getting overwhelmed - if he wants something from you, you’re giving it freely (is what it sounds like anyways). If you’re overwhelmed, that means there should be a boundary you’re setting so you don’t get to that state of overwhelm. Annnnd any of the insecure styles are notorious about not being able to identify their needs/where boundaries should be. So I’d suggest working on yourself, maybe getting clear about what situations are leading to the overwhelm and learn how to say what you need or what you can’t handle. Just as an aside: it’s common for an anxious and avoidant to pair up, so if he has any signs of being an avoidant style, both of you have to be working on your insecurities or eventually he will just withdraw from the intimacy.

lilithdianara · 2020-12-27T03:19:02+00:00

Listen to your instincts. If it’s not a fuck yes, then it’s a hell no. Focus on yourself, sis. Abstaining from dating for nearly a year now has done wonders for me and my mental health. I’ve gotten a good job, moved to a new house, worked on my mental health and boundaries, focused on self care, etc. Get yourself a Satisfyer Pro and you’re all set.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-12-27T00:23:16+00:00

So the whole concept behind vetting somebody is that you'll dump them if they don't pass, not try to watch them or fix them. At 2 months you're still in the dumping phase. Hint, hint.

purasangria · 2020-12-27T04:52:32+00:00

If you feel like it's a compromise, it's not the right relationship. It won't get better than it is right now, so if you're not happy now with the relationship, imagine how you'll feel in 2 years...

tellmesomething11 · 2020-12-27T00:35:58+00:00

Yes you have to continually vet, but it shouldn’t be a chore to do so. I think you’ve noticed that you may be losing parts of yourself (not doing your hobbies for example) and you’ve worked hard to get to that place of contentment. I would advise to remember that you are the most important person in your life and reconnect with your hobbies and life’s pleasures. A man should add to your life. Meaning...it’s a pleasurable thing when he comes around. Not waking up a few weeks in like “damn I haven’t enjoyed MY favorite things for a while.”

The hardest part about FDS imo is that even when you meet a HVM, you still must remain true to yourself. That means going against former codependent ways and societal ways, which state that a successful relationship is melding with the other person. You don’t have to lose any part of yourself. Ever. Good luck to you.

Fun_Tangerine4494 · 2020-12-27T05:43:59+00:00

The long distance thing combined with how much energy is being expended is seeming like a deal breaker for me.

Edit: words

Cairenne · 2020-12-27T08:15:25+00:00

There was this guy I fell really hard for, once upon a time. Intense chemistry, being around him was straight up the easiest thing, he was caring, intelligent, and the sense of humour was actually top notch. He also had this smile that I still remember fondly.

I'd have sworn blind he was it. You know?

Just to set the scene.

But here's the problem I ignored for all his other "high value" traits (and this was very pre FDS though I still have feelings I'm working through 🙄) - he didn't put in as much effort to come see me as I ever did for him.

At the start, he invited me out. The timing wasn't spectacular and I was occupied shortly after with my newborn, and a complete lack of babysitter. He tapered off and stopped reaching out online, broke my damn heart.

That was the start of him showing up, things feeling really close, only occasionally meeting, then disappearing again. Sometimes I'd disappear (including this one memorable time when he was dating someone else and things went Way too far emotionally so I gave him an ultimatum)but mainly he would. And I'd get anxious, try to keep him around, think I'd done something wrong. Etc.

Now. Does this sound like partner material? No.

No it does not.

And he had many good things going for him, but the effort and the uncertainty killed me. I'm not fully over the emotions involved, but thanks to FDS I know I won't ever actually date him again even if he offers. Because this isn't it.

And dear? Yours ain't it either. That's not a hell yes, so it's a no. It's allowed to be a no. Trust yourself.

(And by the way? This guy was on and off like that for nearly 6 years)

dixiecup3 · 2020-12-26T23:55:59+00:00

Here’s the thing- it’s your life. We’re here to support each other and give feedback, but ultimately it’s your call whether you think the relationship is worth staying in.

Obviously, there will always be issues you have to work through. But it seems like the issue here is the overall dynamic of your relationship, which could mean it’s just not a good fit. There’s a lot more to compatibility than just chemistry.

The_Moon_Piece · 2020-12-27T01:12:06+00:00

To me it sounds like a codependent relationship, and codependency is the opposite of FDS. This requires childhood stuff sort of work, and this kind of leveling up requires more than reading the FDS Handbook, this takes therapy and/or self help (through books and/or groups like CoDA.org).

burpleseaurchin · 2020-12-27T01:30:45+00:00

If you're REALLY not feeling it, definitely go for the break up. But it's equally valid to just drop effort and see if he tries to pick up the slack. It's clear that what is going on right now is not sustainable, so change it up and see if he steps up. You'll know verryyy quickly whether to drop him.

Trojaneer_South · 2020-12-27T01:53:52+00:00

Thanks for articulating this, I'm feeling similar things with a new guy I'm vetting and this was a good reminder to ground myself. It sounds like you could use some time to rebalance -- and a HVM won't guilt you or make you feel bad about it. Also, at some point, if he doesn't do enough to make you feel more comfortable and alleviate the mental load, he's probably not so HV after all.

randomgirlimok · 2020-12-27T20:45:11+00:00

A relationship is supposed to add to your life, not take pieces of it away (like your hobbies)

Title	I think I miss being single
Author	Lemon_bars_addiction
Upvotes	302
Comments	58
Date	December 26, 2020 11:22 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kksbes/i_think_i_miss_being_single/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-think-i-miss-being-single.737897 https://theredarchive.com/post/737897

Comments