FDS is not just about man bashing - it’s looking at your own pick me behaviour too.

This is a problem I see in real life, pick mes gravitate towards me to bash men or their ex but sooner or later they try competing with me or even flirting with the guy I’m seeing. Or throwing shade at me. Or trying to use me for emotional labour when they have zero intention to leave their scrote. Or blow up in my face when I take issue with them not respecting my time/ being selfish or shady.

This is not queen energy. At all. And it will make high value women move away from you permanently, let alone men.

Being a woman in a patriarchy does not mean I’m obliged to take endless shit off other women that I wouldn’t tolerate in men. That’s not feminism.

This is just like a shady man posturing as a HVM trying to use me. Mirroring my qualities and then betraying them.

Whilst men are far more problematic on the whole, many weak women still enable them which is why many men feel comfortable cheating on women- cos many put up with it to their own detriment. We still hold them responsible for enabling them. Otherwise how can we get anywhere? Yes many men are manipulative and shit but we can’t get anywhere by not criticising women who enable them and trying to prevent them from doing that.

This is where FDS has done well where others have not. It’s one of the few feminist places where I see pickmeisha’s being held responsible for how they harm other women and themselves. And it’s refreshing to see these conversation take place at all. How they play into the patriarchy’s hand and keep us oppressed. Accountability and self reflection among women has been missing from several feminist spaces for a while. The victim narrative will only get you so far and won’t really save you or change outcomes. Women have to do better too. Many women will throw others under the bus for a crumb of male validation.

In liberal feminist spaces you can’t even criticise a woman’s damaging actions without being called a woman hater and iced out. This is despite the fact that wherever sex work is legalised, illegal trafficking spikes in the area and makes your everyday women less safe. Sorry but you will get put in the hot seat if you’re actively working to sexually objectify women even more and drag our status down. Servicing married men so you can benefit your personal pocket, is not empowering to women as a whole. It is not going to make men see us as humans and stop treating us as disposable sex objects. If you’re too fragile to hear this - maybe you should consider your own internalised misogyny first. Homeless women with drug addictions often don’t have that privilege, but middle class college educated liberal feminist sex workers do.

If we’re going to get anywhere we have to encourage self reflection. Introspection is probably one of the most important traits of becoming high value. High value people don’t easily fall for bogus social trends such as bdsm or misogynist propaganda in the media. They ask questions. They take responsibility. They have accountability. They admit where they went wrong or made themselves more vulnerable/were naive. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 degrees or are levelled up in looks if your character is still weak at the core. Men will still trample all over you. Having a victim mentality isn’t going to stop bogus men targeting you. Which is why us women have to put ourselves first and do what we can. We have to build bridges and do better.

Yes we understand the patriarchy grooms women to act certain passive ways to benefit men....but FDS is about not being a passive victim complying to these same rules...and is more about actively disrupting those norms. It’s about taking personal accountability on how to better protect yourself and get what you want.

FDS cannot change all men overnight for you. We don’t have super powers or a magic wand. But we can help equip you to better protect yourself and grow into someone that is more empowered and supportive to other women. The more women do this self work, the less shitty men can control us or pit us against eachother, which often makes women more vulnerable to abusive men.

For example here is some classic pick me behaviour that harms women and other women around them:

Acting like a martyr. I did x y z for said loser for ten years. Ok but why did you enable him for ten years? What aspects of yourself are you neglecting? What do you need to work on? Boundaries? Self esteem? Standards? Because ten years is a long time to gift someone who treats you like shit, you’re half of that dynamic too. Men are looking at other weak women and making notes. Being single is also a choice. Maybe you need therapy to deal with codependency, family issues, trauma or to work on building yourself up.

Passive aggression. This is a high key pick me trait. Being the catty one of the group making snark remarks instead of spitting out a problem. Queens don’t communicate like this. They’re direct / honest if they have an issue or they stay quiet because they’ve had enough of petty shit. Me and mods sort out issues fast specifically because we communicate well and in good faith. We don’t get into slinging matches and we take it on the chin if someone criticises something we’ve done. We take responsibility/ take action.

Many women will be passive aggressive if they feel threatened by a woman’s confidence and feel it’s their right to ‘knock her down a peg or two’. Essentially they are just triggered and projecting insecurity onto them. This is exactly what low value men do to women. Also even if you don’t like someone it isn’t your right to make their life difficult when they’ve been nothing but respectful to you. Build a bridge and get over it. Otherwise you are making yourself look even more weak.

It is also not your right to assume attractive women live life on easy mode and deserve some shade. Many have their own issues going on whether with friends, men or family. Attractive women are also humans and not immune to trauma, depression, stress, health issues, betrayal, self esteem issues, work problems, being dogged out by people close to them etc. In fact attractive women often have to deal with a lot of sexual harassment, cheating scrotes using them for clout and pick mes acting ultra shady with them. Marilyn Monroe was a famous beauty icon worldwide - still suffered ill mental health, dealt with shitty men and killed herself.

Being a queen is about respecting women even those less / more attractive than you- it’s about working together to make a healthier world for women. Not seeing women as competition but inspiration. Holding ourselves and eachother to account so we can continue to advance/ best support ourselves. We all go through it and we need to value our bonds to survive.

Comparing yourself to other women constantly. This ties into the point above. If I constantly compared myself to other women I would never be happy with myself. For this reason when someone has something I desire or want, I look to them for inspiration and appreciate their assets but mostly I focus on me. I also do not go looking for ‘micro flaws’ to point out in naturally attractive/ successful women which is essentially the male gaze all over again and super disturbing / jealous/ creepy. You have to stop obsessively analysing women around you and fixating on them, trying to outdo them and feeling you have to be the centre of attention or else everyone feels your wrath. I do not take glee in other women’s pain. I do not spend hours on Instagram wishing I had x y z features because even most of those women don’t look like that irl. You control what you focus on most, no one else. Delete your Instagram, gain a hobby and go outside.

When you are so focused on improving yourself, you don’t have time to get jealous of other people. You also respect other people’s hard work and understand you’re unique, there is only one you. If you’re lonely / have low self esteem you have to actively work on liking yourself and get comfortable with alone time.

This has gained me the respect of wealthy high value friends, even though I came from a much less privileged background myself. It’s because they can trust me and I’m not jealous or shady to them. They judge my character. Contrary to the accusations of ‘classism’ against FDS- I’m not privileged and had to teach many things to myself the hard way. So I know you can do it too. That’s why I don’t take sympathy on loser broke men and their sob stories/excuses- I grew up seeing how they mistreat and use women. I don’t romanticise them.

Being narcissistic / self entitled and easily spitting your dummy out. Your way or the high way. Again your achievements don’t matter much to high value people if your character is weak. If you’re insecure, overly combative and easily slighted. Can’t debate like an adult. Can’t take harsh truths. If you think you’re above being called out or apologising. If you expect people to respect your time when you don’t respect theirs. When you blow up into rage at the slightest well meaning criticism.

Acting desperate or being too self-absorbed or narcissistic to acknowledge reality. High value people are not desperate as they love themselves and don’t enjoy being backed in a corner by people. They also realise that even if they want somebody, a relationship takes two peoples effort to work. That means even if they love somebody, they’re quick to cut their losses and see the situation for what it really is. They don’t keep self sacrificing and chasing trying to make it work for years as st would prolong the inevitable. They take on board advice from other women and learn from their mistakes. They know they only have the power to change themselves and their environment.

This is just a few points to think about for recovering pick mes. Remember all high value people came to be by getting real with themselves first and at times this felt uncomfortable, awkward or even embarrassed or depressed them at first. Sometimes it meant cutting people off that meant a lot to them. But you don’t grow strong by remaining fragile, ignorant and being a martyr. You have to take control of the wheel if you want to steer it in a better direction. It’s also an ongoing learning process and you don’t have to get it all right overnight. Women being honest about the reality of dating and keeping each other accountable is a good thing.

Remember there is the level up sub for those not there yet and plenty of helpful materials in the sidebar. Everyone’s journey looks different. But FDS can’t do the work for you or change men overnight. There is some accountability on your part.

Pick mes can’t keep coming here for the man bashing then going to into a fit of hysteria when we point out issues with themselves and ask why they financially supported loser men for 15 years or continued having kids to them. If you want honest advice you have to be open to looking inside at your own self too. No this isn’t mean girls behaviour at all, you ask for our honest advice but only want to selectively hear the man bashing part. Your fragility is the issue.

Please also be aware high value women do not owe pick mes endless emotional labour when they refuse to change either. We are not sounding boards or punching bags for your insecurities and decade long dysfunctional relationships you constantly complain about but never leave. It is draining for us too and we’re not even choosing to be in your relationship- plus many pick mes can turn toxic themselves because of that after a while. We have no real control over it. You have to take some responsibility. It’s sad seeing 45 year old women not learning their lessons or understanding the basic tenets of male behaviour. Many men cheat, many men lie, many men use women regardless of what you look like -stop internalising it and start taking back control and leaving them in the dust.

Sisters have got to start healing / building bridges again and that includes looking inside ourselves, calling out the bullshit and supporting each other better - sometimes we will have to be cruel to be kind to move forwards.