Broken and confused

CareerLiving9398 · 2024-02-04T12:42:37+00:00

Appreciate it!

Thebadmamajama · 2024-01-31T06:56:43+00:00

Keep writing things out, it helps.

The sooner you can accept that the person you married no longer exists, the faster you'll be able to move on.

In reflection, I eventually realized how slul crushing my relationship with my ex was. I was just enduring relentless belittlement, devaluation and criticism to make sure my kids had a stable home.

It's hard to reset, but it's honestly going to be for the better. Embrace moving on, and go be a better you.

Radiant_Chipmunk_616 · 2024-01-31T06:45:50+00:00

My situation is similar. Soon-to-be-ex is leaving after months of me completely changing my behavior and doing things to make her happy. She was happy whenever we spent time together, and wanted to do something for our wedding anniversary. A month later she told me she was done. The whole time she wanted nothing to do with counseling or trying to work on issues, and puts all the blame on me while ignoring what she did to get us here.

I sacrificed my mental and physical health going to 3rd shift for us and watching our kids during the day, getting about 4 hours of sleep a weekday if I was lucky, which she would subtract from to do errands, not caring how that affected me. Then when I spoke up in anger for how I was struggling to get by, she basically mocks me for doing all this. For her. For us.

She's an entirely different person than who I met and married, and it's bullshit that our kids will be raised by someone who became so toxic and manipulative.

FlyingSaucer51 · 2024-01-31T05:57:26+00:00

Mine did much as yours did.

No real communication. No complaints. No requests. She always said she was happy.

We NEVER had fights.

15 years wasted due to her lack of communication.

She left and lied to make herself seem the victim.

She’s no longer the person I knew.

I’m heartbroken because it all made no sense and I truly thought we could get through anything.

People just don’t understand how I can still care.

lebonroidagobert · 2024-01-31T05:30:47+00:00

❤️❤️❤️❤️

BaldieGoose · 2024-01-31T04:22:21+00:00

I know it's almost inconceivable right now, but she did you a favor. You'll look back in a year or two wondering how you ever put up with the unhappiness thinking it was just a numb married feeling everyone has. You don't realize how toxic a partner like that is until you experience true love and respect.

I was someone who broke down crying daily for 2-3 months and now I feel so ashamed of that weak person who shed tears over a woman who didn't care about her vows.

Now about 1.5 years later I have a hot and horny girlfriend who is in way better shape than my ex, I just DOUBLED my salary because I gained enough time back to work on my career not constantly cleaning up after her or being over scheduled with inlaw shit, and I'm doing all the fun man hobbies she didn't want me to do because she needed a babysitter while she watches Hallmark and TikTok on the couch in between her naps.

ludoburazere · 2024-01-31T03:42:51+00:00

Going through a slightly lighter version of this. Stay strong brother, we got this. Feel free to DM

idiskfla · 2024-01-31T01:48:03+00:00

She probably had someone else in mind whether real or imagined.

It hurts buddy. It will hurt. But you’ll get over it.

Gym, therapy, healthy diet, spend time with friends (esp single and divorced friends who can relate).

When you’re emotionally healthy enough, look at an old photo of the both of you. And then tell yourself that both people in that photo are dead. Her AND you. The good thing is that you’re alive just in another form.

You’ll never be able to replace the old memories, so start making new ones. New hobbies, new routines, new location (if possible).

If you always used to eat dinner by the couch with her watching TV, change that habit. If you always used to go camping on the weekends with her, find a new weekend activity.

Do not do the same things you used to do with her alone if you can help it. It’ll create too many painful trigger. Best option is to do completely new things. Second option is to do old things but with new people.

Time will heal, but it will take time, and there will always be scars.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-01-30T22:48:34+00:00

“What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger”. 18 months ago this would of seemed just another quote or saying people said. I stand here today in life because my divorce didn’t kill me. It won’t kill you either. It might feel like it somedays even weeks…..But I promise you she has started you on a path where you will be stronger than you have ever been. When you get through the other side of what your going through you will see just how valuable you are. Don’t ever chase someone who doesn’t see your value and worth. IT WILL BE OK. we are all here to talk too on here don’t ever think your alone. 💪🏼😊

vegascorvette1995 · 2024-01-30T22:25:06+00:00

Be happy she left, trust and believe there are plenty of good women out there.

Everyonelookatme1 · 2024-01-30T22:10:35+00:00

Brother sorry about your situation. I’d like to know: so you say to us that you were blindsided. I hear this is very common. It’s never happened to me ever. I scan for issues and sometimes maybe see things that aren’t there I don’t know.

But we’re there really NO SIGNS at all? Zero?

control-alt-7 · 2024-01-30T21:57:38+00:00

Dude, your marriage was over long ago. You just didn't see it.

RedWineStrat · 2024-01-30T21:29:28+00:00

Had you bring her home dinner and everything on top of you going through this 6-month plan. Brutal. Sometimes I wish my wife left me, but I'm the one pulling the trigger on my end.

Chin up.

And in the meanwhile, keep working on being your best self.

bluephotoshop · 2024-01-30T21:25:11+00:00

Your wife clearly planned her exit for a long time! She’s way ahead of you. Get yourself a good lawyer pronto. DO NOT give her anything unless you get something from her..in writing and from HER lawyer Oh, yeah: change your locks ASAP. You’ll come out fine. It will just take time to work it through. Keep it business-like. Don’t let emotion interfere with your negotiation.

potatotornado44 · 2024-01-30T21:17:02+00:00

That’s wild. I’m really sorry it went down that way man.

Mine wasn’t so abrupt, but she had given me hope that if I went to therapy she would be willing to work through things.

I kept trying to get her to come with for a couples counseling session, and finally, she just told me that was it. She was done.

Looking back now. 18 months later I appreciate how quickly things ended and how fast we are able to get the divorce finalized.

Still working out just exactly what I want my new life to look like, but I have a new girlfriend and some good prospects for work this summer, so things could be a lot worse.

GrimReminder2513 · 2024-01-30T21:06:41+00:00

Same deal here brother. 6 months ago it was all normal. We fucked and showered before work. Kissed me goodbye after we talked about dinner plans later that night. 4 hours later I get the text she’s done and is leaving. Divorce is final this week from the woman I’ve spent 12 years (1/3) of my life with. Therapy, friends and Hobbies and of course time to get in the gym and work out some of these emotions. It sounds so generic to say, and you’re still in the early stages, I know it seems hopeless at this point but it does get better. But don’t confuse better with pain free like I did. It hurts like a mfer and will continue to for a while. This is not a linear path you’re on anymore it’s time to level up and heal yourself. The hardest part for me was getting out of the “we” mentality. It’s just you now. I wish you luck sir feel free to message me. The blindside is the worst and the switch up they pull on you will leave your head spinning for months :/

bk2747 · 2024-01-30T21:03:36+00:00

I just deleted a very large comment that would’ve probably gotten me a Reddit ban. All I can say is Screw her. File as the plaintiff. Don’t give her anything that you don’t have to, give her nothing if possible. Talk to an attorney now and get the ball rolling.

mixturedd · 2024-01-30T20:35:09+00:00

First of all I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your weekly check in sounded good if your both on the same page which clearly she wasn’t and with her being fine with it was a lie. I hope you can move forward at your own pace and surround yourself with loved ones and friends as you will need it. Cry if you have to. Grieve it. It’s good for you. Seek therapy too. Will help to process things

lifeisallihave · 2024-01-30T20:24:28+00:00

I hope you find a way to heal. Work on you, move on and put things in perspective. This could be the best thing ever to happen to you. You may not see it now but if you work on moving on, you'll come to realize how free you are and do things on your own terms. Learn to love yourself. It's perfectly ok to cry too.

Ptsdveterannavy · 2024-01-30T20:01:58+00:00

Yes, it's hurtful and the biggest betrayal, too wrap your mind around it. The fact that she's emailing you demands from the divorce as if you're a commoner is worse than the way she left. Yes, she's been planning this, the fact she manipulated you into feeding her!!!!. I'd say use that same energy that she shows and don't stop. Get an attorney and cut off communication with her on everything. Throw the grenade and let it blow up, and the pieces fall where they fall. Shows no weakness, mercy, or sorrowfulness. Think of this way, she just started an unprovoked war that could've been avoided without attacking you and blindsided you. Throw the grenade my brother.

Bluerednaz · 2024-01-30T19:28:33+00:00

With women, they usually plan some part of leaving in their head. And are very very good at hiding it. There aren’t always signs. They just wake up on day and decide, “I’m tired”

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2024-01-30T19:24:54+00:00

Sorry you’re experiencing this, it really is difficult. After five years since separating I think I understand why it happens in the way you describe today. Back in the day, say 50 or more years ago, marriage was almost necessary for survival in some ways. Women needed a working man to put a roof over her head and food on the table and a man needed a wife if he wanted a family. Today women are capable of meeting their own needs, but generally men still need a woman if they want a family. So men need women and devote their lives to keeping them happy, but women don’t need men and so they are comfortable to initiate divorce. The problem is men still take the approach that the love of a women is necessary to make them whole, this is pushed on us by culture and media. I think men are starting to wake up and realize entering into what’s essentially a financial relationship with a woman by way of marriage has a high risk of failure and the associated emotional and financial ruining, not to mention alienation from our children at the hand of the corrupt family law cartel. We all believed the happily ever after fairytale and have learned a valuable lesson. Love is strong and can do amazing things, but there’s no guarantee that it’s permanent, in fact there is a good chance it will not be permanent….no one told us that before saying “I do”. But now we know and are stronger for it. The knowledge won’t fix the pain but it will help our decision making going forward.

Own_Shine_2646 · 2024-01-30T19:13:36+00:00

That’s just sad and unfortunate. But in life sometimes there are no answers. The only advice I would give to you is to stay strong. Try not to dwell in the whole mess and do not forget yourself. It’s a tough time and people often loose themselves in such situations. It’s not easy to let go, but the time will heal everything. Make a plan on how you are going to live your life, it doesn’t have to be 5 year plan. Just start a plan, it could be small as when you going to live if you both selling your house. Or what you going to do after work or on weekends. This will help you clear your mind and will give you perspective.

SkeptiCynical · 2024-01-30T19:12:50+00:00

I feel for you, brother. It's one thing when things gradually fall apart and you can see it coming, but it's something else entirely when the rug is pulled from under you while you were doing the right thing all along.

It sounds like you had a solid plan. It's not often that guys come up with an approach that includes feelings and communication, but you did it. Writing helps. Talking helps. It's therapy, and therapy always helps. Either the things you were working on weren't working (for her), or she had the intention to leave all along.

A quote in Star Trek stuck with me and it's so profound, it played a bigger role in forming my self-image and rebuilding my self-worth than anything since my marriage started to fall apart: "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life."

So don't doubt yourself or your intentions. Don't beat yourself up over what you could have done differently. You were doing the right thing, period.

If you aren't in therapy, get some. Hit the gym, you'll feel better emotionally when you transform emotional pain into physical pain. Delete the socials. Spend time with people who take your mind off her and grow into new hobbies and habits. You'll get through this.

Classic-Ad8157 · 2024-01-30T18:56:44+00:00

It’s game time, my friend.

If she wants a divorce, then give her one because she doesn’t give a shit about you. Begging will only make her lose more respect for you. It’s time to man up, get yourself right and endure the suck. The biggest fight of your life is coming and I’d suggest you spend 3-4 hours in this sub reading of tales that all started like yours and the remedies that countless men speak of.

Signed, ~A fellow man who was in your shoes 8 months ago

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-01-30T18:54:35+00:00

Another reason why not to get married, women’s emotions are so out of place you do one thing wrong and they keep it in the back of their head. It keeps building and building, they start thinking of leaving, mourning the relationship, and then all it takes is one dinner out with their girlfriends to give them the validation to walk away, “you’re doing the right thing, you’re a strong independent woman who don’t need no man, he’s bringing you down, file for divorce you can take half of his stuff and live a better life.”

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-01-30T18:34:39+00:00

That's brutal. You can't help but search for answers, I get it. I will say, learning the answers never helps but sometimes it's necessary.

I suspect there is another dude in the picture and that's why she changed so suddenly. Affair fog makes adults behave like selfish children. I could be wrong...but that's my first guess.

Stick around here...lots of dudes have gone thru it all. You will survive this!

First bit of advice, don't try to get her back. Even if you want her back...it would be counter productive. Go dark, live your best life and invest in yourself. That is the solution if you want her to return or you just want to recover.

Title	Broken and confused
Author	Android_1234
Upvotes	51
Comments	114
Date	January 30, 2024 6:29 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1aevgjv/broken_and_confused/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/broken-and-confused.1244182 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244182

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