Does ghosting your separated wife really work to bring her back?

Blake17171717 · 2024-11-04T12:16:04+00:00

Leave her in the past

Aggravating-Ad-5793 · 2024-11-04T11:06:51+00:00

In a few months, when someone you know sees her holding another man's hand on a park bench, she will assure you that she, "... only met the guy after you separated and she wasn't looking, if just happened."

Battleneter · 2024-11-03T22:33:49+00:00

So in 2019 I was told she wanted a separation, we separated and sold the house etc. For 6 months I did not message her, then one day she says she wants to talk about getting back together, I was stupid enough to meet her.

Guess where I am today here in 2024, now 2 months into a 2nd separation and another 5 wasted years. Be careful for what you wish for. Separation badly damages a relationships beyond long term repair imho, you will never trust her again and be guarded with your emotions, which feeds into it not working for a 2nd time.

MillenialShift · 2024-11-03T03:32:02+00:00

If your only concern is what your future will look like, you don't need HER. You can try to he busy for some time and try to be self-sufficient and sustainable for a while. When you are over her, go on dates and see what's out there.

TheNattyJew · 2024-11-02T22:36:07+00:00

The best thing you can do is stop paying her much attention. then go on a date with someone else. She will realize that she's not special and that you can replace her. It will sober her right up. As it is with you at her beck and call, she is using you to make herself feel better at your expense. Don't let her use you. You want to grow old with someone and she has told you that she is not it

BahamaDon · 2024-11-02T22:23:35+00:00

You are going to have to move on. If she wants to divorce, fine, but whatever you do, do't give in to whatever she wants as far as division of assets goes, get a freaking lawyer.

SadComfort8805 · 2024-11-02T18:42:49+00:00

Don’t play games. Communicate clearly. Ask clarifying questions if you’re not 💯 sure make notes in your phone for reference. You won her heart once. You know her. Court her again, if you’re not sure which things won her heart ask her what it was that you used to do that you don’t any more that she misses.

Substantial-Spinach3 · 2024-11-02T17:06:05+00:00

Got married in 1985, still married. I am the wife. Do a 180, go low contact. Don’t trash her, don‘t beg. Stay busy, eat right, lay off drinking, sort through old junk, clean out stuff. DO NOT fall apart. Women our age tended to put others first and we build up resentment. Not saying this is fair but often true. I have 3 kids,when second one started college I freaked out realizing that this is my life now.

FirstScheme · 2024-11-02T15:48:14+00:00

If you want her back it may be good to ask women's perspectives as your wife is a woman.

A sub full of bitter divorced men is not going to be able to give you good advice on how to win her back.

BK2AZ · 2024-11-02T14:37:51+00:00

Ghost her ass! You are just a security blanket she figures she can come back to if her plan don’t go her way.

RADIO SILENCE 🤐

TerribleQuarter4069 · 2024-11-02T12:42:53+00:00

I think when women grow old if they have been caretakers their whole life and not felt much cared for by their husband they look at the time left and decide they don’t want to spend what’s left on earth for them continuing to play that role. They want to do things they didn’t get to do before if they feel being a devoted wife left them with nothing much than more asks from the husband. If she left you this late in the game she has likely been thinking of this at least for a decade. She doesn’t want to care take for you in old age as you decline - I notice that you mentioned that she had cancer and that experience has likely caused time for reflection about mortality and caretaking that informs a lot of how she feels. Her new situation allows her to take a break from caretaking duties and to experience being the primary decision maker about her life. My guess is this is more appealing to her than the future she saw with you. You should probably find what acceptance you can about this and think of how to flourish in a way that is good for your grandkids and leads to a satisfying life. You can still have a good life and peace and I pray you do.

This isn’t a criticism, but I don’t really get from your post that you want her back for any reason other than that you don’t want to be alone. You don’t talk about her contribution to your life in terms that are very specific to her as a person. Why her? It sounds like it could very well be any decent woman who would have you. This might be an important lead to follow if you do decide to pursue her still.

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2024-11-02T12:31:30+00:00

Female here:

What you seem to be describing is what people are calling living separate (not divorced). You want her to come back and live under the same roof as you.

The advice the guys give of getting busy really does work.

Complicatedlogic · 2024-11-02T11:32:55+00:00

I’d focus on myself. You can’t do anything to bring someone back, they have to intrinsically desire that. But, you can do things to respect yourself and keep your dignity in tact. It sounds like no contact would be good for your well being. Doing it to get her back is the wrong reason.

Also, if she values going and finding herself more than continuing the journey with you, then you need to believe her. The longer you wait, the more time you waste, and there’s a still a lot of life ahead of a 60 year old person, but not enough to waste. Just my 2 cents.

Feveronthe · 2024-11-02T11:25:24+00:00

It’s sounds like your marriage is over and she wants to be friendly for the kids sake. She nay have some one else. I am a big believer in therapy, for yourself and couples. If it is over, better to be on friendly terms. Ghosting will only make the situation worse. Others have made excellent comments

ghostiewm · 2024-11-02T10:52:35+00:00

Y'all got married very young. She always wanted to see the other side of life. She didn't divorce you, because y'all have a wonderful complicated and entrenched bond. Still even though you don't want to explore, probably because your life allowed you to go places, and have other experiences, she didn't.

I would suggest that you take the solo time to do the hobby things that you always never did or were afraid to do. Take up yoga or some other spiritual practice. Use your alone time to find parts of yourself that you hid away to overcome the struggle. And give her the space to do the same.

If y'all are supposed to grow old together, the universe will surely find a way. You don't need to go no contact. But you need to let her see that you're not dependent on her, or that your joy comes from her.

Rollercoaster72 · 2024-11-02T10:28:46+00:00

Ofc you an try to go NoContact but it is unlikely that she will come back. As you write “she wants to find herself” it means she has an eye on somebody else or is already in another relationship. Unfortunately this is the case in 95% of all who say this, and no you are not among the 5%. If you go no contact and her new relationship doesn’t work out, there is a slight chance that she will try to get back to you. But that hardly happens.

And about the chemo… she presumably met a lot of new people in those days and saw a lot of other possibilities. Surely you can think she changed bc of the chemo, whatever suites your mind best works. She is another person now…

I would though reduce the contact to a minimum, why should she be able to have all advantages you give her and the ones from the new man? It’s also good for you to be able to let her go and see her as a part of your life which is in the past.

Substantial-Slip2686 · 2024-11-02T10:13:55+00:00

People want what they can't have.

Apart-Plankton-6907 · 2024-11-02T09:59:01+00:00

I’m being honest here, not to hurt your feelings. You were together 40 years. This is not something she has ‘just thought about’ this is years and years and years in the making in her mind, to you it’s probably fresh. This no contact stuff works when the other person is ‘flip flopping’ on what they want, or there is someone else in the picture and definitely not when you have spent a lifetime together. She knows what she wants, give her the respect of knowing her own mind . If you truly love her, you need to let her go.

Azazl187 · 2024-11-02T05:43:45+00:00

In my experience no contact meant she just learned to live without me quicker and found someone else.

Confident-Run-645 · 2024-11-02T05:28:18+00:00

You need to give her the gift of "Missing You!"

Become 💯 % self-confident, not some needy, whinny, desperate little boy

Let her sit around wondering about what you're doing, and why your not so available to \ for.

And WHO are your keeping time with?

DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER! The HARDER you chase after someone. The HARDER and FASTER They run the other way from you!

Confident-Run-645 · 2024-11-02T05:18:58+00:00

Michelle Weiner-Davis’s Divorce Busting 180 degree list

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Michelle Weiner-Davis’s Divorce Busting 180 degree list

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner-Davis’s Divorce Busting 180 degree list, here it is:

Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or*implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Do not point out good points in marriage.
Do not follow him/her around the house.
Do not encourage talk about the future.
Do not ask for help from family members.
Do not ask for reassurances.
Do not buy gifts.
Do not schedule dates together.
Do not spy on spouse.
Do not say “I Love You”.
Act as if you are moving on with your life.
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

Never lose your cool.
Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
Be patient
Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
Be strong and confident.
Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it’s the right thing to do for you.

You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now.

You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done — that you will live and learn and move on no matter what.

So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back.

That’s not what you want to do.

Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it’s a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want.

10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion.

That’s when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back.

That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what’s going on in your life to cause this change.

However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also).

REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise.

Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you’re doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter what they are doing.

GET THE BOOK , VISIT THE SITE!

Also.look up "Light HER Fire!

O

southass · 2024-11-02T04:45:09+00:00

NO, Let her go and focus on your new future. I know its easier said than done when you are into that fog but trust me you don't want her back.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-11-02T04:32:20+00:00

If talking to her all the time is tearing you up, then for your own sake you should go no contact.

"It's very difficult to deal with you being separate from me. It hurts me to speak with you now. I'm going to have to go no contact with you in order to heal myself. I will tell the kids they need to split their time between us. After sending this, I'm going to block you on all platforms. You know where and how to find me if you want to speak in person. If it's not about coming back together, please don't seek me out. I appreciate your help in this. Thank you and goodbye."

You've got another 20-30 years of life left in you if you get in shape and take care of yourself. Start new hobbies. Join new clubs.

You need to realize you have a life apart from her. You may even get to a place where, even if she DOES come back, you don't even want her any more.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-11-02T04:17:25+00:00

Fundamentally, the approach you speak of is sound. In order to rationalize this, need to reflect on the entire construct of marriage. There’s no such thing as a partial marriage or a la carte marriage. Either all-in or not.

She does not get to divest what may be bothering her about being married, while retaining what she choses as beneficial. That’s not fair to you.

Couple other points.

First, there’s no magic phrase. In fact, talking or convincing is the worst thing you can do. Respect her decision. Part of you not being there for her is respecting her decision. Having independence forces accountability.

Second, simply “backing off” won’t cut it either. You need to go your own way and flourish without her. She needs to see it. This is where curiosity comes into play. This accomplishes the “big 3” in winning her back. She see’s you as not being dependent on her. She sees you maybe better off without her. She sees you may be attractive to other women.

HumbleHippieTX · 2024-11-02T04:15:33+00:00

No, it doesn’t.

Though I do think there’s probably a better chance that way at first than begging or letting her have the best of both worlds. Right now she feels she can still keep you AND her new exciting single life. Cutting that off at least makes them decide. Sometimes they decide they do want them back. Unfortunately that’s a small minority of the time.

But here’s the benefit, yes you may get her back this way, probably not, but maybe. But even more so, you get yourself back in the process. Get to heal and move on, not living off the crumbs of hope she’s starving you with now. I highly suggest you go this route. Because either way it goes, you will probably end up happier, sooner than you are right now.

Gillilnomics · 2024-11-02T04:12:26+00:00

First off op, I am truly sorry, that is an awful situation to be in and I cannot imagine being together that long, going through so much of life together and then the rug getting pulled out. I only have 10 years to reference, but it felt like my entire life.

yea, it does work sometimes, but I wouldn’t base my life decisions off of Facebook ads. You’re going to start seeing some wild stuff show up in your feed, don’t read into it. The only reason it’s there is to gain off of your tragedy.

It worked on me. See my comment history for more info, but she ghosted me and stopped talking to me entirely unless it was about custody, it’s still like pulling teeth even for that. Most recently I heard her bf dumped her bc in his words “there was two much going on between you two” (meaning ex and I).

So idk how to take any of it, but I’m focusing on myself and trying to move forward. In the words of my best friend’s mom; gone too soon - “Shit happens, then we die. Make the most of the shitty things in life”

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-11-02T04:12:23+00:00

Why is your so called wife moving in with a family to take care of a 80 year old? Unless it’s her parents I would be asking her some serious questions

fixingmedaybyday · 2024-11-02T03:40:34+00:00

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were."

With that said. Why would you want them back? If so, what have you learned that will either keep them around, or set them free forever?

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-11-02T03:39:22+00:00

I’m 54 and divorced after 24 years of marriage at age 48. So, not too far off from you.

Are you married or divorced? If you’re married, then be married. If you’re divorced, then be divorced.

My ex-wife and I have 3 adult aged children together. We do communicate about them, but ONLY about them. She’s not my friend and I’m not hers.

You should be learning about boundaries and boundary setting. What the two of you are doing isn’t healthy. She’s getting the benefits of you without you.

Sorry bro, she’s playing you.

crankyrhino · 2024-11-02T03:33:09+00:00

There is a school of thought that says you should go no contact. However, the point is largely to create space to heal yourself, not to get her back. I think you should explore doing this to really reflect on yourself and the situation. I also thought I wanted my ex back, so I went no contact as much as I could (we're co-parenting). Turns out, after some thought and distance, I think this situation is for the best, and I'm a better, happier person post-divorce.

These ads promising info to "get her back," are just preying on people going through a painful emotional trauma; there's no way they can promise you magic words that will bring a relationship back together. Even if you did manage to get her interested by playing mysteriously silent, without any real work on yourselves and your relationship, it would just be a matter of time before all the old shit that's still there came back with a vengeance. There's no shortcut here.

Good luck.

Title	Does ghosting your separated wife really work to bring her back?
Author	unK4G3D
Upvotes	13
Comments	60
Date	November 2, 2024 3:17 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ghngx6/does_ghosting_your_separated_wife_really_work_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-ghosting-your-separated-wife-really-work-to.1534444 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534444

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