Men who took the first action

ruintheirday · 2024-01-31T03:00:10+00:00

My kids adjusted rather quickly. Went from living together with their mom to 50/50. Week on week off rotation. They are younger. 3 of them 10, 8 and 6. Every once in a while, they'll ask to stay with me all the time, or stay with their mother all the time. They also learned quickly they can try to use us against each other. Fortunately we get along much better now then we ever had after having children. We basically let our kids decide where they wanna stay and how long and let them hash it out as long as it's being a consistent 50/50.

Lawyer up. No matter what. Lawyer up and have a lawyer on retainer. You should already have one since posting this. No matter how civil you think she can be. Lawyer up.

50/50 is nice. No child support. We take turns with doctors/dentists, school closures and sports. We do go to games together and have been better about sitting together to cheer the kids on as a family as parents should do. That took a year.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-01-30T04:32:05+00:00

I initiated.

During couples counseling, I learned my love language is not getting screamed at. When the counselor tells you to get out, there is a problem. It was high conflict initially, but 50/50 kids and I gave up extra cash to get it over quick (60/40). It's worth it to move on. Also, I thought it would benefit my kids having a nuclear family, but realized I was not showing them a healthy relationship. Also, they didn't deserve to be screamed at that much.

bk2747 · 2024-01-29T20:23:15+00:00

I initiated because she intentionally sabotaged a cross country move and weaponized our child for financial gain. She attempted to present me with a separation agreement so she could continue to use me for health insurance and other benefits. I countered her with divorce and through the process, my initial child support was reduced from $1350 to $631. The plot was also revealed, she had already consulted an attorney and everything, I had to go out of town for 2 weeks and deal with a family emergency, she housed that time to plot and tried to screw me over in the end. She destroyed our family for $7600/yr 😂

You’ll find that most men who initiate, do it as a reaction to a certain action done by their wives. Most of us were blindsided with something. I would not recommend you “broach” the topic. The only person you need to talk to is a local divorce attorney. Pay for an hour consultation so you know what you stand to lose.

21 years, you’re probably in for lifetime alimony, plus fallout from the kids, they’re likely to side with their mommy. You’ll be made out to be the “devil” or the bad guy so just be prepared for all of that.

Go see an lawyer this week and arm yourself with knowledge.

Cheap_Baseball3609 · 2024-01-29T20:22:18+00:00

The ratio of women filing first as compared to men is like 80/20.

47omek · 2024-01-29T19:59:31+00:00

I filed first, blindsided her pretty much as I had concerns that as her family was full of attorneys I would be subject to a whole bunch of pre-divorce shenanigans that would put me at a disadvantage financially and for custody. I had been preparing for 3+ years as it was pretty clear after our second child was born that this was where things were headed and I wanted the children to be old enough to get past the "tender years" BS. To my surprise she actually behaved fairly reasonably during the divorce and we were able to settle at our first mediation date and were officially divorced with 50/50 parenting time in right at 90 days after I filed. The children were 4 and 6 at the time of divorce and are now 8 and 10 and both are doing well. I get tons of extra time beyond the legal 50/50 with the kids as I coach their sports teams and cover on some evenings that she's working. My peace of mind and finances are miles better than they were during the marriage despite a fairly hefty CS payment even with 50/50. I've let her encroach on some boundaries that I shouldn't have lately but am planning to go back to no longer answering the phone when she calls and forcing all communication to written mediums. I like my life far better now that while married - I get to parent exactly how I want to on my half of the time without a nag over my shoulder criticizing me and on the half of time I don't have the kids I get to do whatever I want bachelor-style. It's really a pretty great setup.

NewDay0110 · 2024-01-29T18:33:50+00:00

I didn't file first, even though I wanted to. 7 years into the marriage it sunk in that that my wife's toxic behaviors were not going to improve, but were getting worse. I almost went through with a divorce filing, but she wanted to try reconciling first so we went to some couples counseling and I got her to sign an antenuptial agreement. After a while she stopped attending the counseling sessions and the problems reintensified, getting at their worst while we were stuck at home during the pandemic. I felt mentally checked out of the marriage, but had a goal of keeping it going as long as I could for our child. She eventually cheated with an ex boyfriend and filed the divorce, but by then our child was old enough that a 50/50 parenting arrangement was easier to get.

ontoanewjourney · 2024-01-29T17:58:24+00:00

I was the one who initiated the divorce process. It was a difficult decision but I'm happy I did it. Luckily, my ex wife was agreeable to go through medication as that saved us a lot of time and money. Honestly I waited until my kids were old enough before I started the process. I know I wouldn't have been able to spend much time with them after the divorce so I waited as long as I could. My boys are 22,18, and 13. If you have specific questions DM me, I live in CT btw

ExpensiveRoll7436 · 2024-01-29T14:20:43+00:00

I filed. Made much more. Took it in the shorts, but have less stress in my life because I don’t feel like I have the whole family on my shoulders.

Kids (11/13). Took it well at first but not after. Still sorting through things.

I lost a lot of money, but worth it

Classic_Dill · 2024-01-29T13:51:32+00:00

Women file for divorce 80% of the time, that doesn’t mean they’re always right for the divorce it doesn’t mean they’re always wrong, but it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t file for divorce. I hope your reasons for wanting divorce are good, I know mine was for sure, but divorce takes a toll on you, it changes you as a person for the rest of your life, I’m a lot stronger person now than I was before, but sometimes I fear, I’m too strong, but better that than, walking into another relationship, naïve with my eyes shut, which I’ve seen so many divorced guys do, and I just don’t understand it, get the divorce, file, and then honestly work on yourself as a man and start to build yourself back up to who the person is that you want to be, this will be your opportunity.

77shantt · 2024-01-29T11:36:10+00:00

It makes no difference. The court is against you already . Get a financial adviser before you do anything even before you contact a lawyer trust me

Jsutton3187 · 2024-01-29T06:55:21+00:00

I filed first because it was toxic. 40m married 19 yrs three kids.

I just texted her at first then we sat down and I told her at the dinner table. She put it all on me said id be the one to tell the kids... So I instantly got up, walked to each of their rooms let them know, didn't dramatize it .. made sure they knew we loved them and things would move a snails pace a day at a time.... I moved out a few wks later with my brother...

Mediation was good, 50/50 split. No alimony, just standard CS...

Now in the process of selling the house. Easy peasey. Got control of my finances and future. Oldest will likely come live with me. It's nicer on this side.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-01-29T04:07:51+00:00

The talk is kind of useless aside from the fact that a total blindside can be grabbing a tiger by the tail. In any event, moving first has advantages, like in almost all strategic games, but in the end her reaction will define much of the course of the divorce.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2024-01-29T03:15:53+00:00

Filed first.

Offered her everything. Shit ton of money, 50/50 custody

5 years later, kids have been with me 100% for four years

As you may imagine, it was a shit show and I have to drag her back to court for simple shit like vaccines

streetsmartwallaby · 2024-01-29T02:19:56+00:00

I filed first due to her drug and alcohol. I was awarded sole emergency custody prior to separation due to her using. Took a year to finalize the divorce dragged it out and I thought we were going to have to go to court until she had a positive drug test; she signed the divorce agreement the next day.

I had 100% custody that entire year and that continued after the divorce. I paid a year of alimony at something like 15% of my salary and no child support. She did eventually get to 40% custody before relapsing and then disappearing.

Our kids (well mine really - she’s no longer in the picture) are fine; no issues. Well-behaved, emotionally mature (way better than I was at their age) and do well in school. They have great relationships with both families - hers and mine. They have had therapy a couple of times for short periods to deal with some of her issues over the years but they are fantastic kids. I get compliments about them everywhere we go.

I never spoke badly about her in front of them and was always honest, in age appropriate terms, about what was happening. And, to her credit, she never spoke bad of me which still amazes me given how much she hated me. I think part of her knew she was in no shape to parent them.

So it is quite possible to come through a divorce with the kids doing well.

SyrianKing81 · 2024-01-29T01:55:01+00:00

I filed first, but for different reasons. I am traditional, I want a traditional housewife. She decided to become a career woman. It was not the lifestyle that I was going to live. I would rather go through a divorce with small kids than live in that miserable feminist garbage.

Can you elaborate on what exactly in married life that you don't want to be part of anymore?

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2024-01-28T22:57:42+00:00

I filed 1st as well due to discovering the exw cheating. What made me really kick it into high gear was finding out AP was already divorced twice and likely knew tricks of the trade to feed to her. I ended up retaining a lawyer while we were "going to counseling" all the while I knew this was her smoke screen to look like we attempted to save our marriage.

The surprise drop of papers and informing her family really stunned her and honestly she didn't try to play any games during the process. Even after it was all settled, for the most part she has played ball. I still wouldn't mind AP to get rectal cancer and be forced to jalapenos but I can't complain about my future. I think in the right circumstances, filing 1st gives you your power back and also let's you set the pace.

Efficient_Olive8251 · 2024-01-28T22:56:57+00:00

37, I was the one who filed. I cooked, cleaned, laundry, mopped, stayed up late to pack my son’s meals for the next day, whatever. Now I had my hobbies and was selfish with that time, but I came to the conclusion that I could do all of that without someone constantly upset with me. I made the mistake of moving on before the marriage was over though.

I couldn’t bring up issues I had with the relationship. Any time I did it turned into a big fight and I was made to feel bad, wrong, or responsible. There was no responsibility on her end. She could melt down the last day of a vacation to the Bahamas that I planned for her, and would never acknowledge or apologize. So I kept everything in. There was no appreciation, affection, and a nonexistent physical relationship despite years of communicating the importance from my point of view.

It was rough on my son. Still is, but I do everything I can to make it easier on him. I don’t badmouth his mom or her family. We pray for her and her family every night he stays with me because that’s his bedtime routine. I didn’t see any different outcome in the relationship, just had to deal with what it would look like now/5 years from now/ or after he was grown. I decided now was best for everyone.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-01-28T22:26:58+00:00

I initiated because I caught her cheating. It’s a line that can’t be crossed in my opinion. Does this count?

skatenox · 2024-01-28T21:51:54+00:00

31, I initiated. Never wanted it to get that far but after 10 years of struggling to get the same commitment you know when you’re not going to change anything. Rerunning the same heartaches on replay, it’s just not worth it. You can love someone while still knowing they won’t put their effort or heart into it. I can blame everything from toxic/modern feminism and entitlement to my own short comings - but honestly, I did my part and so much more with nothing to show but an amazing kid. It’s so circumstantial. I wish the best to her but I couldn’t do it any more.

Edit: if you’ve ever been told they want nothing from you, they will take just short of anything they can when you cut ties. I was thankful my ex settled for less money than she could have. Hearing it ring in my head every time she said she never wanted anything while still taking in thousands a month after divorce at 30 sucks. You wish they could have been as passionate about us/family than they are that alimony and child support. In the end she could be a beautiful person but was content in nothingness.

jimsmythee · 2024-01-28T21:33:16+00:00

I am someone who filed for divorce to get my life back. Exwife is a pill popper with many disasters. 11 year marriage, exwife refused to work and 2 kids. I filed and took back my sanity. And I made out like a bandit in the divorce.

50/59 custody and $0 alimony were the major wins. Everything else was gravy.

Life is so good now. I got remarried to a really nice sober woman.

Vivid_Conclusion_604 · 2024-01-28T21:25:54+00:00

Kids huh? Prepare yourself for not seeing them. Prepare yourself for a silver bullet divorce. Prepare for your ex to do everything in the best interest of the kids, even though it isn't, and for the court to stand behind her. You will be the bad man. No, don't care if you were a good father and a good husband. You are the bad man. Poison steals your children, judges take your rights.

Prepare yourself by developing your own social group and getting back all that you lost of yourself in the marriage. Start finding yourself now so when you are alone you have something to go to.

Prepare yourself financially. Primary account holder on all accounts, and spend the time getting to know your finances.

When you have all that in line, broach the topic of a mediated divorce where you don't both get lawyers. But have one vetted in advance.

throwaway83759372 · 2024-01-28T21:00:25+00:00

I initiated the process after discovering she was having an affair. She was away on a business trip and I’d already engaged a lawyer with a draft separation agreement as well as a realtor to list the house before she’d even gotten home from the trip. Within a week I’d also moved out to live in a different place.

Not sure how much it really mattered but I do think the fact it was obvious I had zero interest in reconciliation cut out the opportunity for any manipulative BS. She also gave up trying to control the pace and manner in which things were dissolved. I remember her complaining about how fast it was moving at one point and couldn’t help but laugh.

moveonplease45 · 2024-01-28T20:29:34+00:00

I filed first.

It gave some leveraged initially. Not sure it matters now that we’re 7 months into divorce. But if I had to go back and do it again, I’d still file first. Except I’d have filed a decade earlier.

ExiledSage · 2024-01-28T20:08:09+00:00

I initiated separation and was the one to file. We had an uncontested divorce. We were able to work through the issues ourselves. Mostly went fine. Had one child still at home that is in high school. She was angry with me at first. Then as time went on and mom started seeing others , she sort of switched the way she viewed situation.

SkeptiCynical · 2024-01-28T20:05:01+00:00

Always file first. This spares you the surprise and gives you the opportunity to set the stage. Let your STBX pick and choose the fights. Don't be caught on your back foot.

The social "judgment" you may be worried about doesn't matter. Don't let fear of judgment keep you from the chance of a happier life.

My ex filed for separation but had no intention of following through with divorce; she thought she could keep me at arm's length, keep the children hostage and continue to manipulate me for money and some strange concept of "revenge" for our home life not turning out the way she wanted it to. She kept herself underemployed, had no interest in taking care of the kids or the house, alienated her family and our friends. The separation let her make up whatever fiction she wanted for why the marriage wasn't working out.

Filing to convert the SA to divorce was one of the best decisions I've ever made. She went into a rage for years of course. I followed up with a challenge to custody where I won a bunch of additional time with the kids, majority legal and 100% medical custody. But I had to be the one to take the first step. Now almost 10 years later, my entire life is better than it's ever been.

ciphrr · 2024-01-28T19:53:23+00:00

I initiated. It makes things easier as you can plan and make sure all is in place before making the step. My daughter is doing fine. But, if you just want to divorce on religious grounds maybe talk to her?

Title	Men who took the first action
Author	Chrissim7174
Upvotes	30
Comments	66
Date	January 28, 2024 7:43 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1adb58l/men_who_took_the_first_action/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/men-who-took-the-first-action.1244031 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244031

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