Son, 5 yo Not doing well with divorce

Misericordee · 2024-10-05T17:27:15+00:00

I am a child therapist. You do not need to tell him it was mutual- it wasn’t, and dont lie. assure him he is loved by you both. It will take him some time to adjust. your sons behavior is a consequence of her actions that she will have to accept. She can support your son by increasing one on one time with him, meeting him where he is at, and being patient. Please, I hope she is not introducing a boyfriend or significant other to your children at this time. That will only make things worse and significantly compound the problem.

Child therapy could be beneficial, or, as an alternative, try to increase play that encourages social and emotional expression- dollhouses, for example, are great for this. Children process their feelings trough play and doing, not talking like adults do.

Good luck to you

Bearbike · 2024-10-02T16:35:46+00:00

She's your ex for a reason, so her request to you is nothing more than a request and you don't have to parent the way that she wants and you don't have to defend her. That said, you do have an obligation to your son to parent him and that includes teaching your son how he should treat other people with respect and kindness, especially his mother. You can have a conversation with him about how his mom told you her perspective, but you don't have to - you can just have general conversations about how hands are not for hitting, how mean words make people feel, and how to manage his own emotions when he feels like hitting or saying something mean.

Sure, you could do therapy, but you'd need to make it clear that therapy is not about him being bad or flawed, but instead it's about helping you and his mom, as parents, to give him the information he needs, since parents are allowed to call in reinforcements.

allstonguy1011 · 2024-10-04T01:16:47+00:00

You have to tell him it’s a mutual decision and completely utterly make this up because he needs his mother as much as he needs his father. If you love him you have to lie to him and tell him that sometimes mommy and daddy want to be friends but they can’t live together and they love you

I’m sorry you are going thru this bro

starfoiltin · 2024-10-03T20:30:02+00:00

This was me as a kid. Everyone thought I had the perfect family but my mom was a nightmare behind the scenes. The only thing you can do here is teach him the value of peace. Turn that kid into a little Buddha. Teach him the importance of forgiveness. It’s going to be difficult but I wish someone did that for me. I was a pretty angry kid.

probebeta · 2024-10-03T18:05:28+00:00

Exact same thing with my 5 year old. When she arrives to pick him up he runs and hides, and just does not want to meet his mom. I'm flattered, because we have so much fun and I'm a good dad and all, but I'm also amazed by how a kid can avoid his own mom.

It's possible that I spoil him while she probably talks to him from the top kind of thing, and is strict with him, doing what's good for her basically.

I think at this age it's probably uncomfortable for kids but they'll be used to it and won't even remember that daddy and mommy were together before. I just tell him that he has to go and that I will be with him again soon and we'll have lots of fun 😅. I think it's important for him to like his mom, for my sanity as well, but if he grows up being closer to me then I'm perfectly fine with it.

False-Discount4353 · 2024-10-03T14:50:35+00:00

I never really thought about this, but stbxw and I used that basic explanation when we had the talk with our 6.5 and 2.5yo (mostly the older one, obviously) -- mommy and daddy made this decision -- and now I'm questioning the whole thing. Mine didn't cheat but she initiated the divorce and is driving it. I didn't want it. I never thought about whether or not I was technically lying to my kid or how much detail I thought was reasonable and fair (to him and to me) to reveal. I kind of just took it as, they are really little and the best thing is to present a united front. Did I fuck up? Should be more direct about telling my side of the story (aka the truth)? Both kids seem to be adjusting fine, but it does bother me a little bit the idea that they would grow up thinking this was some mutual decision and view us the same way, or even favor their mom, when I never wanted things this way. Then again, even if I did tell them the truth, they might see how much happier their parents both are and how much better their lives are in their 2 homes and they'd end up praising their mom for making such a good decision! 🤦‍♂️

AirSailer · 2024-10-03T02:31:35+00:00

Look, I get what other commenters are saying about telling the kid the truth, but he's 5... He's not emotionally equipped to be told anything about why the divorce happened, regardless if you tell him it was mutual or if you told him it was her fault.

Is he lashing out because she isn't parenting well? I read your other comment on how you think she's probably neglecting him to some extent. If she's not bonding with her then he will lash out or misbehave for a number of reasons and can include attention seeking behaviors or even just testing boundaries, possibly both.

You need to work with her (or on your own) on identifying what the actual underlying issue is and address that... Just don't let her do alone, otherwise she might leading him to believe or say something that isn't the cause and obfuscates the real reasons.

NotSoYoungMom · 2024-10-03T00:17:11+00:00

A healthy explanation is that the marriage between mommy and daddy was not good. You both love him and will try to get through the difficult time. The 5 year old does not need intimate details of your marriage.. once you open that door you run the risk of your ex telling your son about all your faults. Rise above it and commit to raising the child as happy and well adjusted as can be and that includes having a solid relationship with both mom & dad. On this page you often read about women having daddy issues… there are also men that have mommy issues. All of these issues extend from how parents handle the divorce. Make the best decision that will benefit your son long term.

jakoby24 · 2024-10-02T21:50:02+00:00

I had to bite the bullet and tell my 4-year-old son the truth. Your mom wanted me out and that's why you only see me half of the time. My relationship with my son became the most important priority when she uttered the words I want a divorce. If I have to tell the truth so that he doesn't resent me then so be it. This was not what I wanted son, but I'm here for you as much as I'm able. She called and asked if I spoke to him about this because he brought it up to her and I gave her a resounding YES. She said it's okay if you did but I was just curious. I'm like YES I did, because he started to think I abandoned you all and I definitely don't want him thinking that. She's not a bad person or mother by any means but I don't think she'll fully understand the consequences of her decision until time truly passes. Hindsight is always 20/20.

regertsrus · 2024-10-02T21:45:45+00:00

Wait til they are older to tell them truth. Avoid it for now.

newblackmetal · 2024-10-02T20:04:35+00:00

Reading this and I wouldn't want to lie either. My son will eventually find out what happened anyways too when he's older. I wish you the best fellow redditor

hazalo9 · 2024-10-02T18:00:51+00:00

I have a 5 yo and we also have this issue. I get her the weekends though. If they are acting that way, it is because she is not putting in the effort to win them over and you are. I spend quality time with my daughter, play board games, watch TV alongside, read books, lie in bed before sleeping and talking to her. Her mom gives her a phone to play games while she spends time with her guy. Don't talk to your daughter about her relationship with her mother, that would be putting in the effort on your part and giving the mother the fruits of your labor. Just give the mom tips and that she has to work for it, she will eventually get it. Good luck bro!

Grouchy-Addition-973 · 2024-10-02T17:58:59+00:00

If you use a therapist, you can document his behavior and how she is treating him to get more custody.

Reflog1791 · 2024-10-02T17:47:11+00:00

I think it’s her problem. I definitely wouldn’t lie to the kids. If he’s well behaved with you, you’re doing good man.

I don’t have this exact problem but I repeat some house mottos a lot: our house is peaceful and joyful. We make the best of it.

So just repeating and living by those mottos makes it easy to shut down misbehavior (of which there is very very little). My kid is 7 now but I started this as soon as I moved out.

I have my kid three days a week and I try to pack in all the good stuff I possibly can. Homework help, reading at night, lots of play and attention. I just resigned to the fact all I control is at my house and I stopped thinking about ex wife’s house or problems.

My experience has been that I have enough time and energy to do a great job parenting on my time.

I did a lot more dropoffs but we basically do every other day. It has worked very well for me. Maybe the alternate week on week off schedule isnt ideal. If I were to engage ex wife on this I would only discuss practical things like schedule, school, etc. Would not discuss talking to the kids about divorce with ex at all. She’s already feeding them whatever story. I found the best way to counteract that is just clean living and not thinking or talking about/to ex.

This_Train340i · 2024-10-02T17:30:14+00:00

Don't lie to your son, ever. It is better to say nothing at all than to lie, especially to cover up the indiscretions of a person who utterly betrayed you. No surprise that a cheater wants you to LIE as if it were nothing, but focus on YOUR morals and virtue. That said, a 5 year old is way too young to explain adult matters to.

47omek · 2024-10-02T17:28:58+00:00

All of this "therapy for a 5 year old" advice is way off IMO. I was forced into that play therapy crap with my kids around that age and it was a colossal waste of time and money.

I'd tell the ex to deal with it herself, and that he's fine on your time and you're happy to take over primary custody and she can have every other weekend if she's unable to handle the children.

Bumblebee56990 · 2024-10-02T17:19:17+00:00

Therapy.

First-Bid8895 · 2024-10-02T16:29:20+00:00

I told my son pretty much these exact words.

It's going to get better. This is the way it is now. Please try to behave. We are going to do fun stuff together without your mom. I'm sorry I can't be with you all the time.

Mine is 8. Yours being younger this might not be enough.

It's painful for everyone involved. Confusing for kids. But sadly it's the reality of the situation. I didn't know what else to tell him that would help. I think it helped him.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-10-02T16:08:05+00:00

OP, absolutely do not say it was a mutual decision. These are the consequences of HER decisions. Take your son to therapy if you think it is wise. Prepare for, and sue her for sole custody of the 5yo.

Edit: I cannot believe the amount of BS comments posted here, telling you to “roll over” on this. OP, don’t you dare back your ex up, and don’t you dare lie to your son. If you are unwilling to sue for 100% custody, placate him by saying something along the lines of “mommy made some bad decisions, and it is best that she doesn’t live with me.” This co-parenting sh*t being pushed is for the birds.

junkmailbox121 · 2024-10-02T15:57:15+00:00

Definitely take your son to a therapist and continue to not say anything negative about your ex towards your son. If you have insurance it may be covered. Just have to find a provider in network.

Exactly65536 · 2024-10-02T15:50:33+00:00

I just don’t think I’m capable of doing the “mommy and daddy thought it was best” thing here.

But how is that incorrect?

I mean, you thought it's best to divorce her, right? And she probably at some point thought so too, with all the things she was doing it's unlikely she put much value on the marriage. Factually it's correct. The context you give other adults on reddit is not needed for a 5 yo; you can give it later.

I have something of a similar situation, my almost 5 son prefers me over my wife most of the time; we have not divorced (yet) but the disappointment with each other is significant. It pays not to show it to my kid - his relationship with his mother become better.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-10-02T15:42:31+00:00

We are told that women are nurturers, but that’s not true in modern society at all. Most women are about themselves first and foremost, even when it comes to doing something that would damage their own child.

redraven1160 · 2024-10-02T15:41:06+00:00

Do not lie to the child. They remember that. Contact a therapist and get him counseling. It is not your job to repair the relationship that she destroyed.

mrk177 · 2024-10-02T15:31:49+00:00

I would look into therapy; my daughter at the time was the same age as your son. She had similar behavior towards her mom but was fine with me. -

The therapist helped her work through a lot of anger and resentment.

It was worth it…

166112 · 2024-10-02T15:28:57+00:00

Your love and dedication to your son is clear. You have been places in an awful situation. His well being needs to continue to be paramount, above your discomfort in “backing her up”. I think your goal needs to be settling his distress and his nervous system by presenting it as a family decision that won’t change and is in alls best interest.

This decision is not permanent. There may be a time in the future where disclosing the truth is most appropriate. Lies and secrecy are not a foundation for trusting relationships. However that time is not now when he is 5.

Continue to be the best dad possible. You are making the best of an incredibly tough situation that you did not choose. Feel good about that.

Just my non educated 2 cents.

Good luck brother!

SomeoneInQld · 2024-10-02T15:17:46+00:00

Think of what is best for your children. Now and in the future.

Eat humble pie and say mum and dad thought it was best.

Title	Son, 5 yo Not doing well with divorce
Author	Old-Macaroon8148
Upvotes	50
Comments	55
Date	October 2, 2024 3:03 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fuicfa/son_5_yo_not_doing_well_with_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/son-5-yo-not-doing-well-with-divorce.1531857 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531857

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