Told her last night

gratefulstudent76 · 2026-01-08T04:18:33+00:00

One more thing. Hormone replacement can do a lot for women. If she’s going into menopause that could be a lot of the problem

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-01-08T03:07:37+00:00

I'd agree with separation idea above.. Recommend that and reading the book Dredd or dead bedroom fix. 6 months and then divorce seems kind of extreme, but I understand the anger and it's completely valid.

gratefulstudent76 · 2026-01-07T16:50:58+00:00

You could try a legal separation and see if anything gets better

AirframeTapper · 2026-01-07T14:50:25+00:00

She is asking you to fight for 25 years when it was her choice to break the vows. Please do not fall for this manipulative behavior and stick her with the divorce she so desperately needs.

DistrictDivorceCoach · 2026-01-07T14:46:03+00:00

A lot of change happens in 25 years, there is no way around that. The question becomes, do believe it will ever be better than it is right now, and what would that take? If she picked up the slack with the chores and started being more interested in intimacy would that fix things? Is that a possibility? If the idea of another 25 years makes you queasy, you probably know everything you need to know, but If you think it can be fixed, if it is important to you to make it to 50 years, you dont get there unless you work this out. Good luck.

Just-aMidwestGuy · 2026-01-07T14:33:40+00:00

I was in a similar situation. Was married for 25. Together for 27. One adult child. We ended up getting divorced. It’s more common than you think. I wish you luck.

swomismybitch · 2026-01-07T13:09:46+00:00

You did the 25 years but there is now no value gained from doing that. Just time passed. The value in a relationship is in the present and in the potential for the future. How it was 20 years ago is irrelevant.

Lonely-Echidna8683 · 2026-01-07T12:44:37+00:00

You said it yourself mate... Dead bedroom. No sex for 3 years.

This is no marriage, you are room mates and nothing more.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-01-07T04:46:05+00:00

Having the talk without filing anything with the court is a threat or cry for help. Actions count, words just create conflict and drama.

Available_Cow_3915 · 2026-01-07T04:43:11+00:00

Move on and finally be happy. I'm at the same point in my marriage

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-07T01:43:54+00:00

Lets talk about the sex that you don't want from her. Do you know why? Are you not attracted to her anymore?
Strangely I also had a roommate relationship. I didn't find my ex attractive anymore for a long time. She also did not ask for sex from me. We are divorcing fyi.

henrysmyagent · 2026-01-07T01:41:18+00:00

"Why won't you fight for our relationship?"

"I get nothing from this relationship. Who fights for nothing?" -Me to my ex-wife

OP, your STBXW liked having a roommate who supplied money and labor, and who learned to live without sex or affection.

In her mind, it is very unfair and selfish of you to change a system that is working perfectly well for her.

She chose to not be your wife years ago. Now, you are choosing to not be her husband.

DesperatePositive696 · 2026-01-07T00:27:40+00:00

Detach and disconnect.

You were doing everything for her, and she was taking you for granted.

Now you told her you've had it, and SHE wants YOU to fight and work on yourself to make it right.

This has "no more mr nice guy" written all over it.

SHE should be the one fighting and doing the work.

rum53 · 2026-01-06T21:49:37+00:00

I’m working towards a separation right now. Married 18 years, together for 20. We have three kids (15,12,10). I do the majority of the housework while also being the primary income. Dead bedroom for over a year.

Big issue is that my wife is emotionally unstable (borderline diagnose-able) and I believe it goes back to childhood trauma. It is to the point where the kids and I walk on eggshells around her. Her issues weren’t too bad when we met but grew worse over the years. Throw in compulsive spending to the mix. I ignored all her issues for years the sake of the kids.

I finally hit my limit last summer and opened up fully to my family and closest friends. I started therapy in September to get my mind straight so I can see things clearly. I also met with a divorce lawyer to understand my rights and the process. Eventually came to the realization that my marriage is over and told my family/friends that over Christmas.

So far this week, I’ve reached out the lawyer about hiring them for a separation. I also started looking for a place to live. I’ve been getting our finances in order as well.

I’ll be letting her know about the separation when I have all my ducks in a row (like a new residence ready to go) within the next month or so. Haven’t thought about how to break it to the kids yet. I already had conversations with them about their mother’s anger issues before.

Regular-Bat-4449 · 2026-01-06T19:57:32+00:00

Im guessing you've discussed the issues until you were just exhausted. Her saying it's on you to fight for the marriage is pure manipulation. She didn't make an effort for years when you asked, don't let her guilt you

Enigma_Colchonero · 2026-01-06T17:52:41+00:00

Nothing is gonna change . She's gonna give you dry vanilla sex for a few weeks then she's gonna make you feel guilty for wanting sex so often and the cycle repeats.

Divorce... Therapy..... Gym

youknowwhatsup5252 · 2026-01-06T17:42:10+00:00

I appreciate the responses. I want to add that right now, if she jumped on the bed naked and said let's do it, I don't think I could. Its not an attraction issue on either of our parts.

Pmoneywhazzup · 2026-01-06T16:45:56+00:00

Is she starting therapy too? If so, make sure you demand the things you need in the relationship, including intimacy. If she cannot do it, you have your answer.

FashionableLabcoat · 2026-01-06T16:34:30+00:00

What to do? Keep talking to your wife and get BOTH of your asses into some counseling. It takes two to fail a relationship. Sorry for the tough assessment but you saying you “do all the things” screams “My pride is blinding me.” My wife said the same thing before she left me, somebody who couldn’t go on disability during his ridiculously long recovery from multiple medical crises because her breadwinning priced us out. The bedroom was dead for over two years because I couldn’t safely participate in her favorite aspects of it while injured. The chronic fatigue that flared repeatedly often delayed house husband duties but I never decided that they “weren’t my problem.” If I had to ask her for help, I did so reminding her that there was no wrong answer to me. A question is not an expectation or a demand.

Basically what I could do every day was try to my best, even if that meant failing to fully bounce back to who I was before the setbacks or having times where I truly was just a burden. I learned how to be more patient with myself and get back up so I could keep offering her a person she could be emotionally vulnerable around. I couldn’t consistently provide physical goods and services to the relationship like she could but I could provide her with love. I was judged and thrown away for the crime of losing her respect, because learning to appreciate the little things in life that I always sought out and brought to us (friendly and helpful neighbors, free activities, even free access to domestic animals we didn’t have to pay veterinary or food bills for) was “making her life too small.” I suggest you start looking at your wife’s perceived lack of contributions with those kinds of things in mind.

When a spouse is failing you, you dig in and really help them succeed before anybody throws in the towel. I wanted to walk away from her once for her struggles exhibiting compassion in crisis but I checked my ego and I’m a better person for it. Marriage is about learning to appreciate one another over and over again while enduring the inevitable and unexpected.

All I can do now is silently appreciate my ex for keeping a roof over our heads for a few years while forcing myself to pursue justice for me and the protection of what I managed to build despite my often-emasculating limitations and often-humiliating struggles. I owe it to myself and the life others have helped me through to stand up for myself— a burden all the way to the end.

Don’t take the role my spouse chose without trying something that you don’t think is possible.

bk2747 · 2026-01-06T16:14:43+00:00

Follow through, do not go back on your word. You already fought, you walked around for 3 years with a dry dick. Time for her to hit the road, shack up with the next guy.

There’s a whole world out there and women you haven’t met yet. Lawyer up and Get it done 🫡

Do not fall for any manipulation tactics.

HereInThe818 · 2026-01-06T15:46:01+00:00

Sounds like your wife maybe took you for granted. Did you consider a 6-month separation so both of you can live apart and work on yourselves before deciding to get a divorce or not?

Asking because I’m in similar boat, 25 yrs married, no lying or cheating in our relationship, she was SAHM while I built and maintained the business, 2 kids, both out of state colleges, and a few days ago brought up divorce but agreed to 6-month separation as she had 2 friends do this and both made it back together and are now in great relationships/ marriages.

Hardest thing was telling our kids then close friends. Now going to put together an agreement that we both sign acknowledging what we are doing and that I am temporarily moving out but will continue paying everything so that if we do get divorced some judge won’t say I abandoned her and the house. I’m putting together a 6-month plan to follow that is just for me.

Prayers and best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time.

SurvivorFamilyCourt · 2026-01-06T15:27:43+00:00

Don’t let emotion run the decisions here. You must put your happiness and well being first. Don’t allow her responses and emotions interfere with your decisions. Do what makes you happy and makes life more enjoyable. Yes it may be uncomfortable for a time but long term your life will get better. It’s like having surgery. Short term stressful and painful. Long term better off. My personal experience - do not fall for her bait. If she becomes hysterical and you loose your cool. WALK AWAY. Women will make false accusations at this stage - abuse, DV, harassment etc. you don’t want this occur. Don’t engage. Once the conversation moves away from facts and logistics literally walk away, leave take a break. Go for a walk a run, a ride in the car. At this stage she will be looking to have to arrested, moved out of the house, protective orders etc. It’s too easy for men to fall into this divorce trap. I have been through it. I can speak from experience. Don’t get baited. Don’t get emotional. Keep boundaries and leave when things get emotional. You be the calm, reasonable rational one. It goes a long way in court when it’s time to make the biggest decisions.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-01-06T15:11:08+00:00

I told her last night and she didn't take it well, as expected.

she expected you to be ok with the way things are and now her life/lifestyle is about to end.

PLEASE tell us you have a lawyer.

serkovavantgarden · 2026-01-06T14:37:39+00:00

If a woman is withholding sex, it’s because her needs aren’t being met

Not your needs

Hers

That’s how it’s supposed to work right?

Lawyer up, file, fire your arse on the apps then get your dick wet

Time to feel like a man again bro

Go get your needs met

bungleweed · 2026-01-06T14:21:13+00:00

This doesn’t just sound like it’s about sex. You said you provide, cook, clean and do all the things. What does she bring to table? Sex is important in any marriage but it also sounds unbalanced to me in general from what you said. Might be wrong as you’ve only shared so much info.

Then-Stage · 2026-01-06T14:10:40+00:00

Ask that she tell you why there is no sex. Tell her to visit the doctor. It may be she needs HRT but is afraid to ask her doctor.

PghSubie · 2026-01-06T13:48:02+00:00

Sounds like you missed the easy response --

"No, YOU need to fight for the 25 years. I have been, and I'm getting nothing back"

Legitimate-Corgi · 2026-01-06T13:46:44+00:00

Couple things. If she wants to fight for it consider giving her a chance. Changes won’t happen overnight but if she actually shows effort and desire to try it may be worth trying. But at the same time one can assume this isn’t the first time you’ve brought up dead bedroom etc. also read up on perimenopause it explains a lot. No one here will fault you if you want to divorce anyway obviously most of us have been there but it all depends on her reaction if you feel she’s gonna make an honest effort or she just wants to string you along and keep riding the gravy train. 7 years of unhappy is a lot of resentment to work through to get back to a healthy relationship

heyjustsomehonesty · 2026-01-06T13:45:44+00:00

If she won’t try therapy and medication then you did the right thing.

twiggyRamirez11 · 2026-01-06T13:37:30+00:00

I wish people would understand how important sex is for a man. I know there is love and everything but men feel a disconnection when no sex happens

Title	Told her last night
Author	youknowwhatsup5252
Upvotes	40
Comments	60
Date	January 6, 2026 1:14 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q5i8r8/told_her_last_night/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/told-her-last-night.1570560 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570560

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