Wife having second thoughts? Need to get your opinions

potatotornado44 · 2023-12-03T23:53:49+00:00

We’ve seen these movies before.

How about it, guys of the sub???

What do you think we have here???

I say the guy she had waiting in the wings didn’t work out, and she’s panicking.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2023-12-04T00:49:46+00:00

It's over man, the sooner that realization hits the faster you're gonna move on, even if for some strange reason you got back together why would you wanna be with someone who didn't wanna be with you.

Least_Winter9632 · 2023-12-04T00:29:59+00:00

She was with another dude and for whatever reason(s) she’s having second thoughts. You’re her Plan B. We have seen this movie on repeat

Intimacy4u · 2023-12-03T23:00:00+00:00

Why am I reminded of the movie sixth sense. ?

You see what YOU want to see. Confirmation bias of caring and hoping for better outcome.

Suggest relationship counselling after Christmas and do not mention the clues. If she truly has the desire and motivation.

She maybe keeping up appearances for the children sake. And keeping you placated till fireworks in new year.

Classic-Ad8157 · 2023-12-03T22:55:45+00:00

My question to you is this…

Do you believe that she has changed? Or is she just terrified because she sees what is now coming her way and the consequences of her actions?

I believe my STBXW is starting to see the consequences of her decision to serve me six months ago and is changing her tune. She’s lonely, has no one to talk to, is trying to take my kid time away from me and is starting to realize that this process is not going to go the way she imagined.

I would never take her back, ever. That woman and her family have hurt me worse than I could have ever imagined. She has lied to and attempted to trick me into not getting my fair share of everything I’m entitled to. She’s turned into someone I don’t know anymore, nor do I trust her.

I, however am in the best shape of my life and am happier than I was six months ago. She dumped me and has been trying to screw me ever since, she cared nothing about me after she made up her mind.

I’ll never take her back, no way in this life.

techrmd3 · 2023-12-03T22:58:05+00:00

>>>Wife and I are separated and going through the divorce motions. She initiated everything and I would very much like to work through this instead of going through with the divorce.

Looook you may well want to do as you say. And Wifey MIGHT just might be sincere and want to get back with you.

You are separated (which indicates you don't know what she does or who she's been seeing)... and MANY times a party in a divorce will WAIT until some issue clears, new boyfriend returns or more money is available to THEN file divorce and the "let's reconcile" talk was all a ruse.

The best play here is to engage a lawyer BE PREPARED FOR ALL OUTCOMES. Seriously, every lawyer has stories about "husband thinking he's reconciling getting blindsided".

>>>She was very distant for a month or two but lately I’ve noticed little things here and there that definitely would not have happened in the past that make me think that she may thinking twice or having some kind of feelings. This is month 3 of the separation.

she could be rethinking OR Romeo she was monkey branching to got cold feet once she said she was divorcing. NOW she needs to scramble to get back with steady eddie hubbs.

1-4 ARE solid indications it's good that you notice the subtle things the early morning check messages thing IS a good indication.

>>>Anyone go through something similar? Thoughts? Advice?

I went through a similar cycle with my ex. We were sleeping in different rooms and actively talking. Then suddenly she just said she didn't want to be alone one night. And we were back together.

Can it work? Sure I don't think trying again is a bad thing nor something to fear (except legal implications above).

She's sending solid subtext and subtle communications that she is inclined to get back together. But if she's the one who initiated it she needs to be the one to bow down and apologize and act all contrite.

Brave_Quantity_5261 · 2023-12-04T01:15:41+00:00

Man, I’ve been there/still there sometimes. She does little things that make me think she’s sorry and wants to try again. But I’m usually wrong and after I drop my guard a little she sucker punches me again. I want nothing more than to give it another chance (like you probably), but I think I’m in a fantasy world. And like you, she’s done so much damage to family relations with the in-laws that I can’t imagine getting past a lot of that. But I can still dream…

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-12-03T23:37:03+00:00

How do you know if she is seeing someone during those 3 months? Maybe she wants to test the waters and it didn’t work out now she want to “make it work”

Kwen_Oellogg · 2023-12-04T07:28:42+00:00

Her Plan A has left her.
Don't be her Plan B.

DivorceTA1988 · 2023-12-03T23:49:11+00:00

I went through similar stuff, we even tried therapy while separated. I completely understand not wanting divorce and wanting to keep your family together but my experience was she wanted my stability, familiarity and my support. But she also wanted to go see other people. And that’s a no dawg on my end.

To be clear I did get hard evidence she was screwing around. Pretty sure only after we separated BUT STILL HELL NAW. Good times.

The more you show you’re ok without her the more she’ll try and string you along.

WiseMute · 2023-12-04T03:45:14+00:00

Be an "intelligent optimist" when it comes to her

Make sure you defend yourself with asset protection, but make the best possible effort to work things out. You will not have regret if you are planning for the worst (consulting with asset protection attorneys) while making an effort towards the best(attending marital counseling).

Make an appointment with estate attorney and consult with asset protection attorneys(not divorce lawyers). The goal is to shield money for your kids for the future.

For example, you can overfund 529 accounts for up to 3 years worth at once(talk to accountant). Overfunding the kids 529 can be a way to protect it from attorneys fighting over the money and your kids not having college money.

Make the highest effort to reconcile for the sake of your kids. However, if she goes crazy(75% of divorce is initiated by women) then have a plan to protect your kids financial future from bloodsucking family court system.

InAJam_SoS · 2023-12-04T06:03:56+00:00

She has shown you what your worth is to her. Believe her.

She is planning, stalling and placating. Her initial plan didn't work out for whatever reason, and she is regrouping. If you really want advice like you say it'd be a good idea to take a day or so and peruse this sub to see how it happens. Every single father in her told themselves the exact story, and stories you'll tell yourself. You'll find the incentives, encouragement and help from the court she has to ditch you are too much to pass up. Be prepared and best of luck.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-12-04T01:02:38+00:00

Here’s how you need to think about this. Perhaps she is having second thoughts. Here’s how you you approach-

Continue moving on without her.
Be your best self.

She does not want the old you or the old marriage. She may however, want a new you and explore a new marriage.

Finally, resist the temptation to bring this up. She initiated the divorce. She is very much aware it’s on her to reverse course of she wants to.

silmarp · 2023-12-04T01:50:41+00:00

If your mind is made about having her back at all costs and you are still doing the pick me dance than there is no advise to be given because your decision is already made. Sorry but that's the truth.

As for what happened. Many things might have happened but whatever happens, she is the one who started the divorce so don't do the mistake of begging or even suggesting her to stop. Or do. But the second you do she will be instantly convinced she can use you or she might get disgusted by your despair so she might go the divorce route even harder.

Many things could have happened. Your observation is probably from someone in reconciliation fog and so you want to see whatever good things about her.

There is a chance she is waking up sooner so just she can have some fun or talk to someone so she sees the texts early

There is also a chance someone is instructing her to act friendly so she can get a better divorce agreement.

There is also a chance her Mr Wonderful don't want to be in her life paying the bills so she needs Mr Paymybills so she can keep her Mr Wonderful(You would be surprised how often it happens).

There is also a chance she is discovering that after divorce she will have to pay many bills and she is regretting a bit.

There is also a chance her Mr Wonderful told her that she is nice as a bootycall but he won't leave his wife for her.

There is a chance her Mr Wonderfull is not that able to pay bills.

There is a chance her Mr Wonderfull stole a bit of her money and disappeared subtly to never be seen again.

There is a chance she missed you and is rethinking her stance. Yes. But that is a chance in hundreds.

Good luck buddy but you should have been doing the 180 and the grey rock method should you want to rekindle the relationship or not.

The problem here is that you think she is special. She is not. Not one bit. She is someone like billion others and she is not all that jazz and special person. Once you understand she is not special you win.

dog_fart_tacos · 2023-12-04T02:09:49+00:00

You're in the best position to know if she is sincere or not, and if you want to continue being married. However, I would use the opportunity to protect your assets regardless.

Countsbeans1976 · 2023-12-04T03:04:10+00:00

Ok. So real shit, what’s wrong with her and what is she doing about it? Also, same question goes for you. When there is real recognition and ownership of what got fucked up, then there might be hope. But it takes a LONG time to move past what has been said and done.

gudachi · 2023-12-04T06:24:21+00:00

I think the subtle stuff she is doing is manipulation. If she really wanted to fix things, it wouldn't be subtle. She would be begging you to come back. Unless that happens, then you should just ignore the subtle stuff and understand she is playing mind games to see if she still has your attention.

Plebe-Uchiha · 2023-12-04T08:51:02+00:00

Look man. Divorce is hard. Choosing to stay after they’ve decided to separate never works out. You essentially delay the inevitable. If you want to delay it, by all means. I’m not mad at you.

If you do return to her because you doubt that what’s happening to you is different and that other men, like myself never went through this manipulation, cool.

All I encourage you to do is document everything. If it works out it works out. I doubt it. She wants to manipulate you because she regrets her decision. The consequences are coming in fast and she’s not ready. She wants to manipulate you to hold on. After a couple months, she’ll be ready for the consequences, you won’t thinking it’s all good.

But again, you don’t want to hear any, lawyer up, be smart, move on posts [+]

Tiger_27 · 2023-12-04T13:16:21+00:00

Just keep playing it cool. I know it must be nerve wracking, but it's best to let her make the first move.

fishingforthought · 2023-12-04T13:26:55+00:00

She started the process take the hint. The emotion connection she had for you is not their anymore. Bow out graciously and move on do not cling to hope with her behavior.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-12-04T13:27:02+00:00

Alternate interpretations:

#1 and 2: She wants a divorce with healthy co-parenting habits established early.

#3: She's sending a the "proper" message to friends and family that, yes, she is getting divorced, and yes, she is hurting.

#4: Eh, this one isn't very meaningful one way or another. Tarot cards would be more useful.

There are a few universal truths. You need to talk to people who know more about your relationship with her. You won't get good advice from 500 words or less on the internet.
Perspective is important. Trust confidants' perspective before your own. When people are pulling away, the absolute worst thing you can do is pull them closer.

designerutah · 2023-12-04T17:07:10+00:00

Has she apologized for the things she's done wrong in the marriage and shown you how she plans to fix those if you get back together? Has she explained why she initiated the separation and why that was a mistake? Has she demonstrated that she wasn't monkey branching to what appeared a better life and changed her mind?

If she hasn't done any of those things then why are you taking any of it as a real change? Watch the actions, not the words. Adults who seek to reconcile start up front with admitting their faults and seeking to improve and also communicating clear expectations on what you will need to address to solve the issues. In other words, they apologize, explain what they think went wrong, and offer a plan to fix it, and demonstrate their willingness to fix the stuff they did wrong.

Until you have that, you don't really know if she's changing or wants back together. You're reading a lot into subtle things, rather than getting clear communication. You can fall for it, but you'll regret it later. Or you can hold her to the standard you would for any adult whose made a mistake that's harmed their relationship with you.

EyesOpened50 · 2023-12-04T19:25:40+00:00

Having had a quick look at your history - you were a SAHD and she cheated on you, definitely emotionally but more than likely physically! Have you ever spoken to that co worker, chased the details - that is certainly a defining moment!! Remember, this is the only time you actually caught her - there will be others that she hasn't admitted to!

Have a look at all the responses - you already knew what was coming and even tried to counter act it in your post with a preface - most won't have even read your posts - what does that tell you! Likewise nobody knows, including yourself, only her and the co workers!!

I've moved out before, years ago after a similar incident - let me tell you how it really goes:

No trust

Lack of respect, not enough boundaries and she won't budge or will say she will but really won't or for a very short term - the you'll get accused of being mad, controlling and jealous!

She'll plan it better next time to make sure her position is secure. Like once you've finished your MBA and back at work - think long and hard on this one!

Her poor quality friends will advise and coax her, plus no respect for you!

Every time she goes out, without the kids you'll wonder - even when you know where she is, not just where you think she is! Believe me this is a mindf#ck!!

Reconciliation is for life and from what I've seen over the last ten of years, it doesn't happen as it should - loads of reasons, pick any you've read yourself! I know you want to keep the family together, it's painful but she's showed you who she really is, now the hard part - you've got to believe her!!

Time to take stock, you're doing the hard work and know the score, as per your more recent posts. Like wise, once divorced you could co parent well and maybe even branch across to suit each others needs but be very careful, make logical decisions not emotional ones - you know how this works, so take your time!!

4rdfun · 2023-12-04T20:08:07+00:00

Despite what a lot of the other comments say, I think it’s worth the consideration, you have kids in the mix, and especially if they’re younger, it’s gonna be really hard on everyone not just you and the wife. Try to remain as objective as possible, even though that’s all but impossible. 3 months isn’t a lot of time. Best of luck to you.

hogger303 · 2023-12-04T02:26:53+00:00

I’m not sure which of you committed the infidelity, but I will assume it is her. What kind of wife will you be getting back? The version you loved cheated.
Know what true remorse looks like, not regret at getting caught.
For your emotional health, I hope she is remorseful & things work out but I also know the odds of that are really low and it feels like you are rug sweeping this and that will always come back to haunt you. I speak from experience.
I’m sorry you are going through this.

captainchippsixx · 2023-12-04T03:07:58+00:00

The “distant” time means she has her eyes on another guy or was straight out with him. Then something happened. Usually guys like that drop the cheating wife because they don’t want to be the boyfriend. So when she gets dumped she figures out the grass is kinda brown. Did you ever check her phone during the distant time.

EndOfRopeDude · 2023-12-04T05:36:36+00:00

I don't know the rules where you live, but where I live you can get legally separated and never take the last step to divorce.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-12-04T14:58:13+00:00

The other dude didn’t work out so she’s going back to the Nice Guy she married.

But it will only be a matter of time until she gets bored again and seeks out another guy from work to bang.

joemoorcarz · 2023-12-04T19:32:26+00:00

I understand the desire to want her back, and it may happen but please be cautious and take baby steps. Wait and see if she takes responsibility for the separation. It's very possible she has discovered either her other guy is not reliable or that single life sucks.

Do not believe her that she hasn't at least tried out other relationships. The odds are massively against that. Remember that even mildly attractive women are persuded by men.

-sweetchuck · 2023-12-04T19:39:19+00:00

She was banging someone else and it didn't work out. You good with that?

The number is 6 months. If y'all are split more then that then give it up.

One4All992 · 2023-12-05T04:00:33+00:00

My wife and I separated for a year, got back together, and are actually doing the divorce papers right now. Here is the thing.

Women will second guess everything. She probably does miss you right NOW. Not every woman is the same. My experience, your experience, and everyone else on here are not all the same. There isn't always "somebody else".

However, while separated my wife also did things that showed me signs that she missed me, cared for me, etc. Yet, I refused to get my heart absolutely demolished again. So when we decided to try again I told myself there are two possible outcomes so prepare for both and hope for the best.

Here is my suggestion to you. Work on yourself, make the necessary changes, find what you love doing, and also let her know that you want her back. Don't over do it just tell her once.

Here is the other possibility she is feeling the downer of the holiday season and a month from now she might just go back to doing what she always did.

Protect yourself and I don't mean lawyer up. My wife crushed me almost 2 years ago now and doing therapy really helped me. She keeps saying she doesn't want to hurt me, but doesn't actually hear me when I tell her she can't hurt me anymore.

I hope that everything works out for you and you're able to work through it all together. If there is anything to take from this it's that you need to prepare for either outcome and as long as you did the work and you did everything possible you'll be able to, if the outcome is divorce, walk away knowing you did your best.

Title	Wife having second thoughts? Need to get your opinions
Author	MulberryWright
Upvotes	22
Comments	41
Date	December 3, 2023 10:29 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18a59wh/wife_having_second_thoughts_need_to_get_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-having-second-thoughts-need-to-get-your.1239955 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239955

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