Always put yourself first, ladies.

Bethy_Seed96 · 2020-05-23T14:54:33+00:00

It's sad to hear stories like this because even if she had lucked out and found a unicorn of an hvm, there are two year schools everywhere, and he could have followed her.

Like, you could absolutely have it both ways. Go to your dream school, and if the guy really wants to be near you he can go to a two year school close by.

If he is a genuine good man who genuinely cares for you, he'd never want you to miss out on such a great opportunity.

throwaway-786786 · 2020-05-23T16:43:21+00:00

Ok, I have a lot to say about this as a current med student.

The women in my class are some of the most accomplished, beautiful, and intelligent women I've met and yet, some are total clowns when it comes to their partners/bfs/fiances.

One girl in my class turned down STANFORD school of medicine to come to my humble hometown medical school because her boyfriend was in his first year here.

She told him that she's only making the decision contingent upon them couples matching (get residency in the same area so they can stay together and eventually get married), and guess what?

In his 3rd year of med school, he decided he didn't want to couples match because it would affect his career prospects. Yeah. Let that sink in. Now she's not even sure if they're going to be together long enough for marriage. Meaning she turned down Stanford for nothing.

The woman in a relationship is always expected to jeopardize their career prospects for their man, but when it's time for the man to do the same, they just don't.

My parents weren't perfect, but they told me early on to never make any kind of academic, career-related or financial decision for a man because love doesn't last, but your career does. They also would openly criticize women who did something like that. I'm so grateful to them for that.

TheOGJammies · 2020-05-23T14:40:54+00:00

It was pushed very heavily in 90s TV that smart women should give up their careers and opportunities to be with their LV boyfriends to be romantic.

Boy meets world, felicity, The Game, etc

HornetKick · 2020-05-23T14:26:01+00:00

If this were my daughter I'd pay that boy to disappear. Seriously. I'd get a loan, get my life savings, whatever. He'd be taking that cash and making himself a fucking ghost.

I would sabotage that shit, because no daughter of mine will be a clown ass bitch.

Nina-Nina- · 2020-05-23T14:23:08+00:00

I would weep if this were my daughter. So much potential put on hold for a guy that wasn’t even her husband. I mean it would still be terrible if she were married, but the fact that this was just a boyfriend makes it even worse. Puppy love. Thank goodness she eventually went back and accomplished her goal, but this is almost painful to read.

Davina33 · 2020-05-23T16:16:02+00:00

[deleted]

Lilymis · 2020-05-23T16:27:46+00:00

This reminds me of a similar experience I had, except my ex tried subtely convincing me not to go to law school five years ago.

We went to talk to the admissions officer because I wanted to learn more about the department, and upon leaving he said he got a "terrible sinking feeling" in his gut about the place. Yeah; no shit buddy. Law school has ended up being a huge levelling up for myself and he is so far removed from my life and probably floundering in some dead-end job just like he was before.

Contrast this to my current bf who moved across the country last year to be with me while I go to school. It wasn't an easy or perfect transition, to be honest! However, I ultimately learned that a truly supportive man who really loves you will act to put your security first: financial, emotional, etc. and be more than happy to help with making sure you're on track with your goals and aspirations.

PsychologicalBeat2 · 2020-05-23T14:19:54+00:00

🤡

Amy3e13 · 2020-05-23T16:16:52+00:00

Interesting how you never hear about boys giving up their dreams for a girl, huh?

asiancountrymusicfan · 2020-05-23T18:00:41+00:00

This is likely parent-encouraged. Saw the same thing happen a few years ago when I graduated high school. She turned down our state’s flagship - a consistently top 5 public university and thought of as the equivalent of an Ivy League, to go with her boyfriend to a much lower ranked tech school. Note that him going there was much more beneficial as he is in engineering and their E school is very good while their general college program is average. They broke up. She’s now stuck there, and I hate to feel smug, but I’m getting the degree that she dreamed of (as my school is a top program in that field), as her tech school doesn’t have the program she wants.

Never sacrifice your dreams for anyone. For a man, a parent, a friend. Go where’s best for you. If the others can’t support you on the way, they’re not worth it at all. You’ll find new people along the way.

When I say parent-encouraged: her mom was all over the relationship and encouraging it. Wanted her to do that shit. If this was my mom? Would’ve been told I was being stupid. If you have high values, you can give them to your children.

taele1996 · 2020-05-23T19:17:21+00:00

Somewhat related but during the Vietnam war, my mom’s family had the chance of escaping Vietnam to come to America. Her youngest sister slipped away while they were escaping and ran back home to be with her bf (now husband). Needless to say, she’s still living in Vietnam while the entire family is over here. 👀

2020-05-23T17:18:27+00:00

as someone close to death bc poverty, I cannot IMAGINE giving up an opportunity like that for a man like

kirky500 · 2020-05-23T19:56:01+00:00

Men don't do those kinds of things. Why do we

bloofoster · 2020-05-23T17:25:42+00:00

100% agree. That hurt to read.

2020-05-23T21:34:47+00:00

17 years 😬😬 Imagine being 35 and only then getting a real job.

DecentMacaroon · 2020-05-23T21:40:33+00:00

I know a girl who dropped out of Duke to go to the same state school as her boyfriend. They're still together but idk who in their right mind would do that...

dahmerloveszombies · 2020-05-23T16:07:43+00:00

Oh god, no. Even in high school I knew better than that. And if I didn’t, my mom would’ve made good and damn sure I learned.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-05-23T17:56:13+00:00

This is crazy. But its good that she didnt end up marrying that guy!

Rdrses · 2020-05-23T19:17:30+00:00

That's so sad. If it's the real deal, do long distance ffs , if it doesn't work it was no great loss

Alma00019 · 2020-05-23T22:50:01+00:00

I had a friend who almost did something very similar - she was applying to med schools, and her boyfriend (who couldn't' keep down a job) wanted her to move his to state to be near him. He was also trying to get her pregnant (without her knowledge). Turns out he was cheating on her hard, on Tinder every day and sending explicit conversations to other girls and meeting up with them - all while begging her to move near him and trying to get her pregnant.

Thankfully she found out about the cheating and eventually, after much pain, left him. (She was actually considering moving to be by him!!!!!!!!)

Postcardtoalake · 2020-05-23T20:32:52+00:00

I know so many Russian immigrant women whose husbands finished their PhDs and the women were supposed to finish upon coming to the US but they never did. Because of having kids and shitty husbands who didn’t do any child rearing (unless drinking a lot, yelling, and throwing kids into plaster walls counts). I know of so many bitter and angry Russian women. Because Russian men are largely trash (I’m from Russia).

In Moscow women have to wear skirts and heels to work while so many men look like they just rolled out of bed, stopped by the grocery (aka liquor store), and stumbled into work.

The job postings in the metro stations openly state the pay for a man and the pay for a woman (which is MUCH lower) for the same fucking job.

And then people are like, do you wanna go back to Russia? No fool, I’ll always dance with the one who brung me, but I’m going to Canada or France.

veruscka · 2020-05-23T18:46:52+00:00

That is a tragedy.

Myplummms · 2020-05-23T20:24:51+00:00

I think the fuck not.

TheSatanicVegan · 2020-05-23T23:30:54+00:00

I put a guy before a degree and I try not to let it eat me alive almost every day.

angelsofadversity · 2020-05-23T23:42:56+00:00

24 years ago despite telling my lv dad to leave her alone, my mom eventually fell for him when she was 17. Her parents saw through him and told her to focus on school instead as she got accepted into med school two years later (the country Shes from you enroll after hs). Instead she decided to run off with my dad, got married, and dropped out of med school.

Twenty years after ether met, my mom had to divorce my dad because he was having an affair with the bride of the wedding they met at, for a couple of years. The heartbreaking thing is that my mom had to work all those years to essentially fund my dads trips to go visit my now step mom. Step mom doesn’t work at all and my dad fully supports her and her three kids from her precious marriage.

Focus on yourself.

Bingley8 · 2020-05-24T01:21:10+00:00

I will graduate medical school in 2023, so 13 years after high school. There’s a lot in this post that needs to be explained but med school is hard, especially when you have breaks between undergrad/grad school and medical school. It’s even harder if you don’t have a strong background...it’s even harder if you don’t have the correct advisement and support, which she could have gotten from her local college, but Johns Hopkins is unrivaled in both reputation and the benefits she could have gotten by going there.

She IS a dunce for letting a man deter her from her path. Never let a sweat talking man, talk you out of your dreams.

InayahDaneen · 2020-05-24T03:31:04+00:00

The guy must have pressured her to leave that school for him. It’s always an lvm trait when they try to persuade the girl away from her goals.

QuebecMadonna · 2020-05-24T04:42:57+00:00

Sadly, we are taught to behave this way... Society needs to taught women to choose themselves.

girludontbringhome · 2020-05-23T17:45:23+00:00

I totally get the sentiment behind this post, and as someone in this field (starting med school this fall) I just want to clarify a few things. Even people successful who very successful in high school, can really struggle with premed in undergrad. A lot of people who were laser-focused on medicine entering college, end up having to take gap years for various reasons (poor undergrad grades, poor MCAT, not enough extracurriculars, etc.). And while a full-ride at JHU would have given this girl a leg up as a premed (prestige, lots of medical-related research at her campus, debt-free undergrad) it does not guarantee her success as a premed AND there are other avenues to success (you do not have to go to a world-renowned undergrad to get into medical school). If she really dated this guy, broke up with him the summer before she started college, I do not think this was the reason why she was a decade behind schedule in finishing medical school. Yes that relationship may have set her back a year or two because she needed time to get over the guy, and because she probably had to transfer to a different undergrad. But I feel that there's a lot to the story we are not hearing. A lot of people lie about having "full-ride scholarships" to prestigious universities. Actually I had at least 2 people I know from my high school blatantly lied about this (they said they got full rides to good 4-year universities but ended up going to community colleges and stayed there...). I do not think a short term relationship at age 18 would mess anyone up this badly, I advise people to remain skeptical when reading these kinds of posts.

Edit: Not sure why I am being downvoted. Yes the woman made a mistake, but there is more to the story if it took over a decade to get back on the right track. Feel free to comment if you disagree with me.

infinitymouse · 2020-05-25T15:07:21+00:00

I gave up a chance to study abroad in the UK because of a guy. We were together 8 whole months.

If I'm being honest though I think he was an excuse. I think I got cold feet last minute and told myself I couldn't do that to him. The fuck is wrong with me.

CloudNine_09 · 2020-05-23T19:25:49+00:00

My soul hurt with this one. Don't ever do this. Don't pull a Gopanga or a Donna and sacrifice your future for some person. If its meant to happen your paths will cross again, but not like this.

Villanelloh · 2020-05-23T20:28:43+00:00

It makes me believe that when colleges have their insanely brilliant scholarships turned down, they should immediately call the woman and scream DUMP HIM NOW

__looking_for_things · 2020-05-23T20:36:36+00:00

My mother and sister and father (and probably grandma) would have my head if I dared to give up anything related to a better education.

keffalump25 · 2020-05-24T04:27:23+00:00

Yeh but don’t shame her for finally getting to college at a later stage in life. Life is a journey, and she has to figure it out on her own.

Often when we’re young we have no clue what the future will hold and we have an illusion of what we think our reality is, and we try hard to make it happen. It takes years for the illusion to become apparent, sometimes people never wake up to it.

I say we should celebrate this woman for her perseverance and tenacity to finally make her dreams come true, amidst a toxic patriarchy that brainwashed her to think she had to give her dreams up for a meaningful life.

thegrrr8pretender · 2020-05-24T20:08:07+00:00

Ugh, not quite the same situation, but I decided to go back to school a couple years ago after a failed attempt when I was 18. The first few quarters I did great, but when my NVM ex decided he really wanted to leech off me, I got zeros my last two quarters and dropped out.

Now I’m 25 and having to go back to school again to finish my degree, hopefully to be finished in 3-4 years.

Never letting a man pull me out of my life and my success ever again!! Not worth it in the least bit.

Title	Always put yourself first, ladies.
Author	Lilymis
Upvotes	1446
Comments	159
Date	May 23, 2020 2:02 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gp5f1s/always_put_yourself_first_ladies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/always-put-yourself-first-ladies.675371 https://theredarchive.com/post/675371

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