Don’t be me

Platipus6 · 2021-04-15T06:14:15+00:00

Most of us have been you though.

We've all been lied to, told to give him another chance, told to explain it better, he just doesn't know, he doesn't understand, he doesn't mean it. Our love can fix abusers, we just need to act right and stop setting him off.

haha lol. men who can't act right need to fuck off.

You know he ain't shit.

Look into deep breathing exercises to change from "fight or flight" into cool and calm. You got this.

aquietsword · 2021-04-15T06:16:25+00:00

Honestly, I think few people come here without having dealt with how shitty men can be. Part of what I want for the world is strong, smart women who are never negatively affected by men, but we're not there yet. Anyway, all that to say is that most people have an eye opening moment that might get pretty dark before they start to truly change. I'm thinking this was your moment. And it sucks but it will be ok. It's going to feel brutal because I suggest not dating at all for a long while, but it will be ok.

Old_Yogurt_Container · 2021-04-15T06:26:34+00:00

Congratulations on getting into your programme! I will have a glass of wine tonight and send you positive congratulatory energy! 🥳🥂

Even though it hurts that the one person you wanted to be happy for you cannot be, that says so much about him – that strangers on the internet can be more encouraging and thrilled for you. This “man” was just a stepping stone to your purpose.

Knock it out of the park gal. You levelled up. You got bigger better things to focus on now. 🎉

betsybasset · 2021-04-15T07:34:32+00:00

You're far from alone

Entire FDS and women gone and still going through this.

Time is the channel of pain you must go through.

Sit with it, acknowledge and let it be. Don't try to run from pain. It'll just make it worse.

Remember it is a feeling and it is not permanent.

vaguelinen · 2021-04-15T06:11:03+00:00

You’ve left now and that’s worth celebrating as well as getting into the course of your dreams. Things are going to get so good for you now!

WornTheTshirt73 · 2021-04-15T07:48:42+00:00

You’ve done the right thing darling ... yes it’s hard to leave ... we all have stayed when we shouldn’t have ... it’s our natural, hopeful, healing, nurturing natures added to society’s conditioning of us to want to couple and settle ... to fix the problem and mend the broken .... but it can’t be done and you’ve finally put yourself first and that’s the kind of self love you dig deep for. Celebrate that this is probably the last time you will have to go through this because your boundaries have been laid down and you won’t let it go this far again. But regret and beating yourself up is not going to achieve anything. To err is human and if we never make mistakes we never learn or grow! So well done sister I am proud of you ... let your heart grieve the loss of a potential “love” but let your head celebrate your strength, your intuition and your great personal victory x

FDS-GFY · 2021-04-15T06:23:10+00:00

You are not alone. Proud of you.

SpringJonesOcean · 2021-04-15T06:44:49+00:00

Proud of you! Keep standing up for yourself! Congratulations on getting into the school you wanted! That is a huge accomplishment and should be celebrated!!

eveloe · 2021-04-15T05:45:54+00:00

Congratulations! I promise you that you will start to feel your creativity coming back into your body. Your skin will start to improve and you’ll really get into yourself again.

But I’m afraid it’s going to feel like shit for a while, and he will try to weasel back in by making you think about the good times (ask yourself if it was good to be degraded in bed the first nights you had sex.

So your next step is to block him. There’s no reason why he should be able to message you.

Next, you seem to have an issue with a scarcity mindset, so make it work for you:

Never see just one guy at a time. In time you will start to reframe scarcity as “having a man vs being single” into “having multiple options vs settling with the wrong guy”

Next you need to change your flair. It needs to be /#He Ain’ttheone.

The_Pyramidion · 2021-04-15T10:20:34+00:00

Make a list of all the shitty things he did. When you waver in your conviction, read it out loud, sis.

Lavender_flow · 2021-04-15T07:50:37+00:00

I am proud of you getting out now! I am sorry you are going through this

nenindis · 2021-04-15T09:03:19+00:00

I know this is hard, but try not to beat yourself up too much for this. Your gut / intuition is there telling you "No!", mostly through that emptiness you felt, but, part of you probably wanted to rationalize, to give a second chance because, at the end of the day, that's what women are taught to do even since we begin to articulate our first words. Naturally, this becomes habit over time and habit is tough to break.

All I can say is, I feel like maybe focusing on your new prospects is what's best. Take time to feel the pain, to heal, to move on to better things. There are a lot of helpful books suggested in the FDS Handbook. Reading some of them has helped me a great deal, in addition to reading this sub daily because I feel so validated here.

I'm honestly wishing you all the best! <3 Proud of you for blocking him, though!

Br0ther-Finger · 2021-04-15T09:23:07+00:00

I am so proud of you! Look at what you accomplished in spite of that loser holding you back. He was feeding off your beautiful energy like a parasite and you still made it. That’s amazing. You’re amazing.

I know it hurts now. But you did what needed to be done and now it’s time to look forward and the future you’ve made for yourself is so bright! We all make mistakes. And we are tougher and wiser from them. You deserve every bit of happiness that coming your way.

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2021-04-15T10:52:26+00:00

I have walked 1000 miles in your shoes.

Have you ever taken the ACE test? It's just a few questions... You can find it online.

If you have unresolved trauma, you really need to get a plan together for self-healing. Without it, all of your relationships will be drama fillled dumpsterfires. Friendships, mentorships, romantic ones... the trauma is in your nerves, in your brain, in your nervous system, your eyes, your heart, your stomach... it will be in control of you until you learn how to identify and deal with it.

Latter_Ostrich2875 · 2021-04-15T12:27:30+00:00

It's okay, you didn't do anything wrong. Lots of people fall victim to abusive relationships and struggle to get out. Abusers are very manipulative and make you feel like you aren't your own person. Don't feel bad.

There's this metaphor I heard to describe abuse and it helps me when I blame myself for staying: Domestic abuse is like boiling a frog. If you drop a frog straight into a pot of boiling water it will hop out. If you put a frog into a pot of cold water it stays, as you gradually increase the temperature the frog gets used to it until it ends up being boiled alive.

Sometimes this happens slowly or quickly, but the victim tends to think it's not too bad and it can change so they stay. It is awful you got trapped in that relationship but what's important is that you escaped.

I'm glad you got out of it, that was very brave of you to stand up to him and be able to break out of the cycle. You aren't worthless, you are a survivor and you are strong.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-04-15T17:55:55+00:00

At risk if minimizing ab.use (which I don't), in a very limited sense I liken ab.use to the glycemic rollercoaster. If you eat sugar one day, you wake up starving the next and only dense, instant calories will calm that painful hunger and head off the hunger headaches. But if you stop the cycle, after a period of adjustment, the sugar-crash-triggered hunger pangs miraculously disappear. No crash, no crisis. You can plan healthy meals more casually without that sense of physical desperation.

But of course the problem is that sugar is hidden in everything and you have to read labels to ensure you're not keeping yourself in the endless loop of pre-diabetic dependency. In the same way, to escape the protection racket of ab.use, you not only have to get rid of the ab.user, but every micron of subtle ab.use in every other relationship in order to let your system truly stabilize.

But here's where that analogy falls apart. Victims are not "addicted" to abuse. Bottles, pills and cinnamon buns don't stalk you, call your job and threaten to get you fired, threaten your life, your reputation, your friends, your pets or your child custody. But abusers can and frequently do. Even if they haven't gone that far yet, there is the standing threat that they could. The special ingredient in all ab.use that commonly gets minimized in pop-psych is the fear of death. It's the unspoken potential of every empathy-impaired ab.user. If they're so callous as to wound your soul, what's to stop them from annihilating you?

So the only part of the analogy that works is that abu.sers play firemen to the terrifying fires they set. They know exactly how to balm the wounds and terror because they're the ones who made the wounds and triggered the terror. They set themselves up as the only ones who can do triage for the unbearable injuries they induce-- a bit like how sugar is the only quick fix for a sugar-induced metabolic crisis. Also the fact that subtle or overt ab.use is part of living in the world for most women boils us like frogs to habituate to it.

Otherwise I spit on the "addiction/codependency" analogy for victims of intimate partner ab.use. When I worked for a dv survivors' advocacy network, we rejected the 12 Steps model entirely.
Bottles don't weild tire irons. Pills don't scheme. Victims don't "seek" abuse. They just get caught in the ab.user's scheming trap to cut the limbs off the victim and to ensure-- usually through "perspecticide" and through systematic isolation- that they're the only ones standing by with a tourniquet.

EarthKveik · 2021-04-15T07:28:04+00:00

Congratulations on getting into your grad programme! Fuck that scrote, he can rot in hell. I know it sucks right now, but your life is about to become so much fuller when you start your new course. Now block him on everything!

the-worst- · 2021-04-15T13:16:22+00:00

Hello, I am your future if you had stayed with him or chose to take him back.

Read my previous posts about my relationship with my husband, be relieved you didn't marry or become dependent on this guy. Be free to be yourself, love.

Don't become me. Don't marry or move in for convenience. Don't ignore even a single red flag. It can be awful and a misserable existance. Better to be alone than to be with a man who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

ldnsurvival · 2021-04-15T10:50:52+00:00

You did the right thing! You've left now, that is what matters, not what you did wrong in the past. Be encouraged by your own power. It is within you, you've just shown us and yourself. Now hold fast, and don't go back. Cut him off everywhere. He won't change his ways. You deserve to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-04-15T13:25:57+00:00

This is ok! Because now you've gained experience and wisdom for the future, you've taught yourself how to state your boundaries and what not to tolerate. Your future is very bright and I know you'll not allow anyone to disrespect you again.

carlther · 2021-04-15T16:02:16+00:00

It will be a rollercoaster of emotions. However, the bumps slowly become smoother until, eventually, they are gone. It takes time and work to put everything in perspective. Don't beat yourself up; even the smartest, most beautiful, most courageous amongst us have fallen for narcissists and despite treating us the worst, they are the most difficult to get over. It's like a drug addiction. It helped to understand that they are sneaky and calculating; it is subtle and dangerous manipulation. When you look back fondly (mostly the FEELINGS that you had-like a drug high), remember that what he purported to be in that moment was a lie. He wore a mask. He does not know how to love. He had no intention of treating you well, commiting to you, doing anything better in the future. He was faking. The more you realize this, the easier it becomes to get over him. We are with you, and most importantly, we all understand!

helloitsmesatan · 2021-04-15T17:02:21+00:00

I know you feel terrible now, and there really aren’t any magic words that will instantly erase the pain. But little by little, you will chip away at it until you emerge stronger and more confident on the other side of these feelings.

Can i point out how much smarter you are than so many others who would go through all of what you’ve been through and still go back? They’d never have the epiphany you’ve had, never choose better for themselves. It sucks when we have to hurt to grow, but by learning from this (which it sounds like you already have) it will make it that much harder for a man like that to get back into your life. Don’t focus on the fact you “took him back”, focus on the fact you’ve kicked him to the curb. And good on you for it!!

You are capable, you are worthy, you are amazing and you have so much to offer the world. Focus on you, love yourself with the same kind of forgiveness and understanding we have in the past given to these unworthy men. You know you are capable of that kind of love, so listen when I tell you you are deserving of it as well. 💜👑

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Risoa · 2021-04-15T13:39:32+00:00

Congratulations! We're so proud of you and your major accomplishment. I know it sucks right now to be going through this but trust that your future self will thank you. Chase those dreams and not a LVM, your gut has been pointing you in the right direction. You will soon be thriving 💙

thecrazywitch31 · 2021-04-15T15:19:34+00:00

Noooooo its not your fault. We know its easier said than done, and its very hard to take the first step. Fear of being left alone is real. Please treat yourself with kindness, sis. You deserve better.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-04-15T15:34:16+00:00

You had that sick feeling in your gut, when you knew what you had to do, even though you were scared and dreading it. You did it. You finally stood up for you, you did one of the hardest things to do ever. You are so brave for that, and you can thank yourself for it. Past you you didn't leave deserves forgiveness and compassion, she was in the depths of a toxic relationship and trying to navigate her way out. She got you were you needed to be and your intuition was communicating with you and helping you even if the reality of that was emotional and even physical pain and nausea. Congratulations. We are all so proud of you, your difficult journey is inspiring and relatable. Lots of love

Nat_at_all · 2021-04-15T20:09:27+00:00

My friend, you never deserved this behavior or to be treated this way. You and I are conditioned to stay and to overlook behavior like this, because being in single is so "shameful". Lean into the exciting things you have in your future, congrats on the acceptances and getting into your DREAM SCHOOL. Celebrate these accomplishes and how far you have come!! Please forgive yourself for staying longer than you should have. It's hard to leave, when we have been conditioned to stay. Please be kind to yourself and love yourself. Be PROUD that despite the fear of the withdrawal pain (this was the same thing that kept me in a relationship with a cheater for almost a year) you fought through it and blocked him!!!

Message me if you need to!! I can offer more words of encouragement.

Also who is Dr. Ramani, and are they someone I should listen to?? How did he leave a voicemail if you blocked him, I didn't realize that was possible!

Altowhovian93 · 2021-04-15T22:27:39+00:00

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Go to school, be an art therapist, DROP THE USELESS POTATO, and goooooooooo! You got this you got this you got this!!!!!!

waddamelone · 2021-04-15T23:09:53+00:00

YOU DID THIS! YOU GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRAD SCHOOL AND THATS AMAZING. You’re going to do great things while in grad school and after. He’s actually jealous of the fact that you’re chasing your dream. Sounds like his own problem.

Congratulations on your achievement. Don’t let him dim your light because you’re better than that. ❤️

Physical_Stretch · 2021-04-16T04:02:24+00:00

It may not feel like it now, but truly it can only get better from here.

You're clearly talented and have loads of potential- and other people (not your ex bf) see it or you wouldn't have been accepted into your dream program!!

It will get easier with distance- physically, mentally, and temporally (speaking from experience)❤️

valkyriegoll · 2021-04-17T02:45:49+00:00

hugs I'm glad you are recognizing and taking the steps forward. The road to healing is never easy.

He's not reaching out to you because he cares for you, he's reaching out trying to gain back control of you.

You are enough for yourself and you are worth completing every dream you have.

ShegoGreen · 2021-04-15T15:36:22+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, why did you take him back? What kind of thoughts were going on in your head that helped you justify or rationalize your decision to take him back?

coup_de_plume · 2021-04-15T06:31:52+00:00

We all make mistakes. I have a lot to learn myself. Applying and entering into grad school should be an exciting time, and I feel bad that’s being taken from you.

When I was deciding where to go to grad school, I did not take the input of my ex because I needed to go where I thought was best for me. Moving away was the best decision ever. It allowed me to see it was a terrible relationship and that he was just stringing me along. Don’t beat yourself up for not leaving earlier. I stayed with my ex for over 8 years before I left. Looking back I should have left waaaay earlier for multiple reasons. I see it as a lesson learned.

Also, partners should be excited for their SOs when they have opportunities to fulfill their dreams. This guy wasn’t. I hope you go to your dream school without a second thought of him. You’re going to meet new people and eventually establish yourself in a career that you love. This is a new start for you in every way, so please don’t feel alone, but think about all the opportunities that have just opened up for you :)

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-04-15T19:04:45+00:00

Congratulations! This is a great accomplishment and very exciting to look forward to! Your bf is a ballast though. It is understandably painful to be disappointed in a relationship but you can't do anything about it, to make him the person you thought he was. The pain will eventually go away but the grad school will be with you and will enrich your life in many ways. Enjoy and best of luck to you!

Title	Don’t be me
Author	orangeboobert
Upvotes	338
Comments	61
Date	April 15, 2021 5:32 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mr8db4/dont_be_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-be-me.763522 https://theredarchive.com/post/763522

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