How to tell the difference between love bombing and a man being into you

rengokusmother · 2022-01-07T19:19:10+00:00

The biggest indicator is that genuine love is consistent and doesn't have the "hot and cold syndrome" that lovebombing does in order to keep you hooked and needy for more. Genuine love is also not as...extreme, in a sense, as lovebombing is. Lovebombing is at best, done to make the perpetrator feel good about themselves, make them think that they're great partners, and at worse done to abuse you and to keep you hanging on by a frail thread of hope that that affection in the "hot" phase will return and stay stable. Love makes you feel comfortable and secure in the relationship, doesn't really have any ulterior motives and malice hidden. One example I can think of to show difference is:

Lovebombing: someone wanting to take you out to extremely expensive restaurants of their own choice, their choice of meals, their choice of drinks and hence completely their level of comfort. if you explain your discomfort, they'll get 'sad' or annoyed and hence comes the cold phase where you'll get silent treatment till you apologise. The restaurant meals are for their good time, not for you to enjoy. Or planning surprises with numerous friends and family even after you repeatedly telling them surprises with so many people involved make you anxious and you'd prefer just their company. Here, the intention is to look good in front of your family and loved ones so later if you complain about the abuser, you won't be believed and they'll side with him.

Love: planning to visit a restaurant that you're both interested in going, but also has a list of backup options such as other restaurants or completely other date plans you expressed interest in, in case you don't feel like going or are overwhelmed. They'll visit you anyway and try spending quality time with you as best as possible. You're not made to feel like shit or forced into going if you don't want to. You are supposed to have fun in whatever is planned, that is the primary goal. No silent treatment, no surprises (unless you're fond of those), communication is consistent and the element of surprise is only enough to get a positive response out of you instead of making you uncomfortable, and they remember your likes and dislikes and little things about you.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-01-07T20:09:40+00:00

I have experienced some of the most intense love bombing with expensive trips, etc. The main thing to remember is that there is always something off about his general interest in you.

-He seems to know you’re inherently special but doesn’t know you.

-He is doing something amazing but will let his mask slip, and subtly make disrespectful comments or ask weird questions that are not bad enough for you to get angry (you would be overreacting) but still shocking and very incongruent with everything else

-If you ask him if he generally does this he will tell you he’s never done the same for any other girl. At the same time, he will not commit to you or make you his girlfriend, or will keep things murky.

-You always have the feeling that “it’s too good to be true” and are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

-Rarely will he be doing something meaningful like introducing you to his best friends, family, or if he does- he does it all the time and they all know his MO and treat you distant- as if you weren’t there or weren’t meaningful. If the people in his life aren’t investing in you and trying to get to know you- run.

keep_my_stuff · 2022-01-07T19:10:48+00:00

One thing is that there's substance backing up his words.

- Talking about eloping and traveling the world together !!!! But not planning anything = Lovebombing

- Driving 1 hour in the snow to spend time with you = More likely to be investment from a man being into you

Keep your eyes open to get a gauge of whether the person is currently in a stable situation in their life. Sometimes people lovebomb to avoid thinking about something else. But what they're avoiding will catch up with them.

electroloop · 2022-01-07T18:58:02+00:00

This is a LOADED question, and it's really really easy to get the two confused.

From anectodal experience here's the difference between love bombers and a man actually being into me.

Love bombers:

Are a little TOO rehearsed. Pulls out my chair, pour drinks for me, talks about all their successes etc. etc. without giving me an opportunity to talk about myself.
Calls me pet names or general nicknames that can be used for everyone "Babe", "Honey", "Baby" within days of beginning to talk to me. This is because he has so many women on the go he can't keep track of us all.
Takes me out to ridiculously expensive restaurants but never focuses on me. Focuses on his phone, the hot waitress, etc. Remember, it's all a game to them.
Gives me extremely expensive, yet impersonal, gifts.
Tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world when they barely know me at all.
Texts me "good morning" and "good night" texts frequently in the early stages of dating just to pretend that they're actually into me.
Doesn't care to get to know my family or friends. Their main goal is to isolate you.
Doesn't give a fuck about my hobbies or my passions.
Will be extremely hot and heavy the first few weeks and then something instantly changes and their communication dwindles until it ceases completely.

A man who's actually into me

Has an air of nervousness whenever he interacts with me. I see his nerves on the first date and beyond. He's really into me and does not want to mess this up.
Will remember things I've previously said in passing conversation and get me little thoughtful gifts for our next dates. This has been flowers, Lebanese sweets, etc.
Their eyes are locked and loaded on me. No matter where we are, its like I'm the only person in the room to him.
Texts me at reasonable times with thoughtful questions wanting to get to know me better.
Wants to be integrated into my life somehow. Takes interest in my friends and hobbies.
Consistently communicates and communication doesn't suddenly drop off at odd times.

There's so many more to list but these are the ones that stand out to me the most.

mrpoopybuttface · 2022-01-07T19:27:39+00:00

Saying “I love you” or brings up marriage right away.

JadeBaby2211 · 2022-01-07T19:30:34+00:00

During lovebombing, I'm overwhelmed and a bit in disbelief. These are good indicators of my body communicating to me what's going on. Now the challenge is to not gaslight yourself! You're overwhelmed because the guy is weird and overwhelming, not because "you're bad at accepting love" 🙄🙄🙄 (Justin Biebers "let me love you" mess of a song comes to mind).

Genuine connections should feel easy and soothing, and not be twinged with intensity. Lovebombers are also inconsistent with their actions, if you know what to look for and also take their behavior completely at face value, and accept no explanations. Love bombers have an entire thesaurus of explanations and justifications, don't believe them.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-01-07T20:24:40+00:00

Men who are little too slick = lovebombing aka they’ve done this before, they know what to say, they’re reciting whatever lines from romantic comedies and they know what women generally like to hear

Platipus6 · 2022-01-07T22:04:24+00:00

Love-bombing can't be sustained. If it's always fabulous, grandiose, overwhelming and too much, and you can't see yourself doing this for a year straight, it's bombing. It quickly twists into future-faking. He's 'proven' he can do grandiose things, so you believe all the wonderful things he promises and you get the same brain reaction as if he had done them, because you believe him and trust him. You'll be sitting on his couch while he just talks and talks about all the amazing things you're going to do, but never will do. He gotcha.

If you question it, he'll get nasty. Wow, look at you, gold-digging. Oh, I'm so sick of women who aren't patient. You just want more and more. You're so greedy. All the things I've already done for you aren't good enough, huh? You're just with me for the expensive things and good times, I see. (Weird, that's how he bombed you!)

When you were out and about he was looking around to see if he was impressing other people. He didn't really care if he was impressing you. If he asked for praise, it wasn't about if you liked the experience, but if you thought he was awesome for providing the experience. It's a pretty subtle one but you'll feel it on the date. "This place is nice, huh?" vs "Do you like this, are you comfortable/happy here, is this type of thing to your taste?"

Love-bombing is always paired with increasing boundary pushes. Only abusers or other nefarious types idealize and love-bomb. They want to lock you down quickly, front-load the effort so they can slack off and begin the devalue and start blaming you for why they can't love you.

HVM put in the effort they can sustain and don't go overboard for strangers. They want to get to know you and don't give over the top compliments. They're generous but only after they've vetted. Their effort becomes personal because they've paid attention and care about what you like. They enjoy seeing you happy and feel happy because of that. They don't need to fish for praise about what a good job they've done. If they tell you about the future, it's about a holiday or event they've booked or planned. If they ask a question it's to narrow down a firm plan, not to get your hopes up. "How do you feel about snow-skiing?" to get an honest answer, not to get the second-hand joy from you being excited.

If they don't like something about you, they tactfully bring it up, or acknowledge it's an insurmountable dealbreaker and gently break up and move on. Love-bombers are passive aggressive and nitpick and coerce their way into controlling you and getting you to change to be more to their liking.

melympia · 2022-01-07T21:46:11+00:00

One thing that I noticed that, once he had established himself as the guy who does X for me - it would stop soon after being an "established truth".

Also, there's that tendency to make everything about himself. Phone calls? He talks and talks and talks. About himself, obviously. And so on.

Also, negging, no matter how veiled.

AnonymousRooster · 2022-01-07T21:14:27+00:00

My thoughts are: being consistent (not hot and cold), gives you appropriate space and isn't all up in your business trying to get your attention 24/7, and the nice gestures are suited to you (e.g. buys you a coffee from your favourite spot vs big gestures for any random person)

wankerdistrict · 2022-01-07T18:55:14+00:00

Too much too soon? Love bombing.

Too good to be true? Love bombing.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-01-08T03:02:02+00:00

Men who lovebomb simply aren't sincere. They're doing ti because it makes them look good, not because it makes you feel good. Lovebombing is about them, not you.

Examples and contrasting:

True affection: taking you to your favorite restaurant to celebrate something you achieved.

Lovebombing: taking you to his favorite restaurant that you aren't particularly fond of to celebrate something you achieved.

HVM: Taking you to your favorite restaurant because you had a long day and might need a pick-me-up.

True affection: helping you move.

Lovebombing: paying for a moving company to help you move, after unsuccessfully trying to convince you to let him move in with you .

HVM: Taking the day off of work to help you pack your important stuff, whether you're there or not, then paying for movers.

True affection is fine, and there's nothing wrong with it. Lovebombing is usually a bit much, but it's designed, manufactured, not selfless and from the heart. Lovebombing is just meant to lower your defenses. It's a display, but rarely is is tailored to you, it's more often about the act itself. It's more complicated by the fact that most of them genuinely MEAN it in the moment, but they lose interest and move on, or revert to their true selves and become abusive on some (or many) level.

Always watch for inconsistencies.

For me, that's what vetting has been; that, and reading between the lines, which I can't explain in words.

But I am with the most incredible, most amazing man, and the one thing that I've noticed about him that no other man could compare to is consistency. He says and does the same exact things he did on the first date, in the first week, in the first month. We're two years in, and he hasn't wavered one iota, except to become more loving, more trusting, goofier, and more appreciative.

I have an ex who was the King of Lovebombing. He caught me right after my divorce, and I was not at my best. He would talk about the house he was going to build for me, he would make a grand gesture of pulling off the condom because he wanted to have a baby with me, and rage about the men in my life that he didn't trust. None of this felt genuine. He also...never did anything. He preferred to drink and hang out with me, and granted; we lived in NYC, we had beautiful evenings, sunsets, champagne on yachts...but we never made ACTUAL plans. And when he wasn't bowling me over with impressive words, he was acting like a total piece of shit.

And then lovebombing me to get me to stay.

Lovebombing is a tactic. If it happens after a fight, or a moment that he did what he wanted to do and this is his version of "an apology," and it happens more than a few times a year? It's not fucking sincere.

Gourmay · 2022-01-08T02:30:19+00:00

This is a huge problem for me as I’m a model and also work in things that attract a lot of socially awkward men.

I recently went on a date with a man I had met a few months prior through friends, he was so considerate, kind, attentive to what I said. Brought a little gift, drove from another city to see me. But it was walls and walls of text conversations from him that I just couldn’t keep up with throughout the day, texting as soon as I would post something on socials and he knew I was awake, taking a photo of me and describing this whole poetic metaphor from it, asking what my best friend thinks about him.. he knew my previous guy wouldn’t commit so tells me he’d move to my city for me etc. All this when we hadn’t even kissed yet. He seemed to be really in touch with his feelings, not in a fake way, so I couldn’t figure out if he was just a good guy who knew he probably wouldn’t have access to women like me often and didn’t want to miss his shot, or lovebombing me.

When I told him it was all really too much, he apologized, took ownership and told me it was his fault for not dealing properly with a previous relationship ending and wished me well. I still don’t know what to think of it.

VanessaViews · 2022-01-08T03:33:09+00:00

Tell him no or disagree with him and see how he reacts

riseaboveagain · 2022-01-08T04:52:23+00:00

With a love bomber, there will ALWAYS be strange small inconsistencies and false notes in things he says and does. You will notice them, but overlook them, because you’re caught up in the whirlwind excitement of the new relationship.

Once you’ve survived a relationship with a narc, you recognize and react to the red flags by leaving the love bomber

Xieko · 2022-01-08T00:08:12+00:00

This post was perfectly timed for me. Thank you.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-01-08T00:19:07+00:00

Before FDS younger me got majorly tricked : I was a struggling artist, he( my 20 yrs older handsome boss) started w generic pet name right away " babe" took me on a beautiful vacation for 2 weeks, bought me a large house and a SUV and introduced me to entire family 1 month in , now I realize he was just rushing me into a preset role to appease his elderly mother . He was in the closet .

Jeniroo2 · 2022-01-08T10:58:53+00:00

Ime lovebombing is very quick.

If you're doubting how he could possibly like you so much already when he's barely asked you anything about yourself, it's lovebombing

mandoa_sky · 2022-01-08T03:07:08+00:00

i think of it as a case of "too much, too soon"

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-01-08T11:31:24+00:00

The good morning/good night texts are a good indicator. Or just over-frequently texting. Showering you with compliments....in the early stages a man should give you space. You should be able to go on dates with other men. A lovebomber will try to hurry things along.

Specific-Composer300 · 2022-01-08T09:11:48+00:00

Love bombers try to get too emotionally familiar way too soon. Will say they love you, ask you to be exclusive, etc WAY too early.

vivid_spite · 2022-01-07T23:38:38+00:00

my theory is that some people lovebomb without realizing because they are head over heels in love with the idea of you. It can be genuine emotion but still be a bad thing because their emotions yo-yo too fast.

NoMoreLVM · 2022-01-09T12:40:28+00:00

A lot of people talked about nervousness and being personal being the main identifiers of genuine interest. I disagree, a narc is trying to gather information about you so will ask lots of questions to try and get information about you. My ex also seemed very nervous at the start, but that was literally all part of his act and a manipulation to try and make him less threatening. Love bombers are master manipulators, don’t underestimate their ability to charm and disarm you and seem vulnerable and to prey on your sympathy.

For me the biggest signs of a lovebomber is: - Being into you too quickly. There needs to be a build up, even if the build up is just a few dates. You shouldn’t feel like he is in love with you from the first date or phone call. - Revealing personal information too soon. They’re doing it to try and speed run intimacy. - The truest sign is if they lose interest when you insist on taking it slow.

That’s it. A narc might come across as the most thoughtful, observant, sweet man. The only way to tell is to not commit quickly. If I had followed fds my ex would’ve lost interest and moved on in a few weeks because keeping up the charade would feel like too much effort, and lovebombers see you as a prize not a person. You are easily replaceable.

Love bombing starts strong and tapers off, or even is ended abruptly. Genuine interest builds up and up, before plateauing in a happy healthy place.

Title	How to tell the difference between love bombing and a man being into you
Author	PrivyPal
Upvotes	520
Comments	58
Date	January 7, 2022 6:50 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ryep6p/how_to_tell_the_difference_between_love_bombing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-tell-the-difference-between-love-bombing.1094100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094100

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