To all the pickmes browsing this sub

whatisfunemployment · 2020-06-12T13:10:07+00:00

If you have to reduce yourself and lower your expectations, all the while being a perfect plaything/forever girlfriend: he doesn’t want you. He wants a figment of you and what your effort offers him despite his own effort offering nothing.

Maybe I’ll write a post about it someday, but I did EVERYTHING the RPW way, to a tee where none of those subs could say a negative thing about me, except maybe for having independent, original thoughts.

It got me nowhere :). I just became tired and still waited on him every waking moment. Always putting my needs aside and buying into his future faking! Don’t do it.

Mindard · 2020-06-12T13:22:34+00:00

Pickmeishas are the way they are because of trauma deep within themselves. They do not consider themselves worthy of the love they want so if a man (whom they consider above their level) shows them minimum effort, they believe that it is the best they can get. (This can be a whole ass topic in itself).

Usually, women like this are afraid pf being alone and consider this to be a punishment/shameful. This is due to societal norms, upbringing and/or mental health issues. In the past it was the husband that gives you status: through his name, financial means, social circle, etc.

It also does not help that men learned how to manipulate women to maximise their benefits (e.g. wife behaviour, loyalty, sex against him cheating, treating her like crap, etc.).

Men do not view us as valuable unless they want to settle down and made this mentality the norm. So when a woman is ‘picked’ she is grateful, because she might just become leftover goods if she’s not.

Men pinned us against each other: - young women are desirable (and easily manipulative). Scrotes ingrained in society that younger women are to feel superior to older women due to their age. They will be easily manipulated into sex and feel proud of it.

older women are stale (but wise). Older women are bitter because scrotes cheat on them with younger ones. They are wise enough to ‘appreciate’ a man like a ‘real woman’ and take care of a family.

It is truly a manipulation masterpiece. We eat each other alive so they can just pick out the winnings.

savagecarebear2 · 2020-06-12T13:18:52+00:00

All the pick-me’s I know were raised to believe that if they didn’t have the husband and kids they’re worthless. They’re essentially slaves to the idea that they’re nothing without a man. And when they realize they’re stuck with a loser they stay because they’re so terrified to be “alone” that they’d rather put up with the loser instead. It’s honestly depressing to watch. Though I’m sure they look at single girls and think to themselves “at least I’m not like her, I have a man!” The idea that a man is what makes you worthy is so fucked up. That’s why pickme’s are so low value, their only value is in their man and he ain’t worth much to begin with.

barrebuns · 2020-06-12T13:21:38+00:00

[deleted]

DunRuther · 2020-06-12T13:52:07+00:00

I’m not sure why I used to be a pickme. Grew up in a loving home, never wanted for anything and my mom had been teaching me FDS values that I always ignored.

I think it’s because I had an ugly duckling phase in high school. I was occasionally picked on and my cousin (who was a year younger and up to that point had been like a sister) was popular and wouldn’t hang out with me in public. I had a crush on a guy and she told him even though I told her not to, and he publicly told me he wasn’t interested. I never had a boyfriend in high school and didn’t go to prom. The only boy who ever liked me, I wasn’t attracted to even though he turned out to be a HVM from what I can tell.

When I turned 18, I desperately wanted a man so for three months I dated a NVM who was 27, worked at a grocery store and had lost his drivers license. So any man was better than no man.

I’ve leveled up, look better than ever at 33, and am no longer a pickme.

outside-perception · 2020-06-12T13:29:57+00:00

It's a lot. Its case by case basis as far as I'm concerned. Many women it can be chalked up to social conditioning. For some it's various levels of trauma (moderate to severe) and it's always rooted in a distrust of the self.

I came from a traumatic background (which resulted in a THREE YEAR court case), travelled and started fresh, but was conditioned at a very young age on how to be a wife.

My own mother is a pickme to the extreme and constantly went through many men who were not of value but she would sacrifice her own self dignity, self-worth and any respect she had for herself to appease them.

That's what made me that way. But my higher self with constantly questioning it even with how young I was. I didn't really get the courage to leave until I met someone who told me it's time I needed to claim my own space and existence.

LadyGrimes · 2020-06-12T14:20:37+00:00

As a former pickme I was in denial for a long time but occasionally I would wondering how much better life would be if it was just me, and then one day I made that a reality by ghosting my porn sick ex. No regrets, it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. No more worrying about him cheating on me (already happened once) and no more disgusting porn in my relationship either.

Man I remember when I told him I would buy him a tablet for christmas but he cannot use it for porn. Pornsick asshole was all up in arms about that. Fucking headache. Being single is better than putting up with that crap, and let's face it there are more men just like my ex than there are men worth giving a sliver of your time to.

Aleph0-4 · 2020-06-12T15:37:18+00:00

(hopefully) former pickme here.

pickmes may feel like they don't have a lot of options so when a guy comes and he's got even a few good qualities, they feel like they have to give him everything so he doesn't leave them. a lot of women on this sub are beautiful and confident but not all of us are: some of us are plain/bad looking and don't get approached by guys at all so it's hard to have an 'abundance mindset'

another reason is that they (or I at least) think that if they are low maintenance and treat their guy like a king, the guy will think "she's so good to me, I'm gonna be good to her because she deserves it". and when he doesn't, and continues to give her the same low effort, the pickme either wakes up or thinks that she has to give him even more

seraphinelysion · 2020-06-12T17:43:22+00:00

Not a PickMe and not trying to defend the lifestyle. But sometimes, you start sacrificing yourself unconsciously. You don't think of it as "sacrificing", you think of it as "compromising" or "investing" into your relationship. You don't realize your self esteem and self worth being eroded until you have none left to give anymore. It's a hard lesson to learn. Sometimes I feel like every girl has to learn it at least once for themselves. But when you've experienced it once, it's up to you not to let it happen again.

Pasdepromesses · 2020-06-12T17:28:51+00:00

Trauma that makes you adopt certain roles within your family in your early childhood, that you later apply to 'real life' (not only relationships!). And if you come from a violent and/or unhealthy childhood, you'll be threading water without even knowing it. Low self worth comes mostly with these kind of situations. This invites new traumatic events, because you cannot trust yourself since unhealthy is your comfort zone. It's a downward spiral.

I objectively know that I'm very good looking. I did some model things when I was in my teens (even though I was bullied a lot) and even without make-up and my glasses on guys 18-75 still flirt with me in the grocery store. I have multiple degrees, a good job, my friends tell me they enjoy my company. I can give myself a lot. Still, when I'm in a relationship I constantly have this fight or flight mode that unconsciously tells me that I have to keep the other person happy at all cost.

Even though I'm very introvert and I like being alone, I have been in LTR's since I was 15 years old. It made me feel safe in a way. I got lucky with my second bf of 5 years, who helped me a lot with becoming the women I am now. If it wasn't for him, I guess it would've taken me an even longer time to make a mind shift. Even though I dated only NVM/LVM after him, I always had my own back in the end because I knew how it should be.

I just became aware of my serial LTR thing the beginning of this year, and am now actively rejecting all date proposals because I need to be good with me first and unlearn some patterns.

Edit: also, being single is so freeing. I don't even know if I want a relationship anytime soon. It seriously is the best if you don't have to cater to someones physical, practical en emotional needs. I also realized I want to be childfree even though my fiance last year was kinda pushing a baby on me. I didn't even know or feel what I wanted. It was always about the other person.

Edit2: also, culture.

Gaki-fan-too · 2020-06-12T14:42:33+00:00

Unfortunately, women are told they're nothing without a man. This goes back in history where women were forced to marry men and were considered outcasts if they were single.

2020-06-12T13:47:57+00:00

Thank you so much for this post! 😭

I'd probably count myself as a pickme, but I'm trying to improve and not be one in the future. For some reason I always thought that I gotta look good around males (it probably has to do with my existence being ignored by everyone for the majority of my life), but this sub has helped me a lot.

May-rah10 · 2020-06-12T17:24:52+00:00

My good friend is a hardcore pickme. She met a jobless & homeless loser on OLD, moved him into her apartment within 2 weeks, his car “surprisingly” breaks down as soon as he moves in so she has to drive him around town like you would a teenager. A month into their “relationship” she told me that he is “the one.” This man does nothing but sit on the couch all day, smoke weed and play video games while she pays for the rent, groceries and bills on her own. For his birthday, she spent $400 on presents for him....guess what he gave to her on her birthday?! NOTHING! She’s constantly making excuses for him. The worst part, she just told me she’s pregnant (she has a child from a previous relationship and he has 2 children abandoned in a different state.) I’m just disgusted by the entire situation.

My friend puts all of her self worth on whether she has a man or not. She does have a lot of self esteem issues and I’ve tried to help her with all of this but she’s beyond help. She doesn’t see herself as “worthy” when she’s alone. She hasn’t been single since we were in high school (we’re in our early 30s now) because she has a lineup of NVM in waiting. Also, this isn’t the first NVM man she’s moved into her home within weeks of meeting him, it’s a pattern for her and it’s sad because she is a good person and has great qualities...however, the only way she can see these qualities is if a man points them out to her, she can’t see them for herself.

juicy_lime · 2020-06-12T20:58:13+00:00

Possibly tmi and I'll delete this comment in the future:

I grew up with very little direct attention. No one cared what I had to say, my opinion was never asked for. My parents had a messy divorce and my sibling was such a behavioral nightmare that took all their attention. I pretty much just existed until I was old enough to start attracting male attention. All of a sudden I had "friends". People wanted to talk to me. My opinion mattered and I was the head of my social group and that had never happened before.

That caused me to not even try to be friends with other girls, because boys were just so easy. I didn't even start dating until after high school, they were only friends.

So a combination of extremely low self worth, social neglect as a kid, automatically putting myself below other girls and being intimidated by them, and then suddenly discovering I liked sex, set me up for about four years of aggressively trying to just be the most desirable girlfriend EVER. I went through an extremely hypersexual phase that involved a lot of pickme behaviors. I put myself in really dangerous situations just to seem "sexually adventurous". Literally everything I did was to get male attention. The music I listened to, my laid back attitude, smoking weed and drinking, it was all an act and I want to go back in time and smack myself

In the last two years I've done a lot of growing. Questioning things I never have before, seeking out more female relationships and actually making myself happy. My last relationship ended seven months ago and for the first time ever I have no desire to find a new partner. I love myself more every day and I wish I could have figured some things out sooner.

CoriVanilla · 2020-06-12T23:29:29+00:00

During my pickmeisha days, I just wanted to feel loved, deeply unconditionally loved. I spent all my time and energy trying to give unconditional love hoping I might eventually get some back. Even specifically looking for guys who already loved someone like me, hoping that they would just like... Fall into it easily. It wasn't until after several failed, dead end relationships, a million of what seemed to be the same argument, and continually giving away love I never got back, I finally realized the kicker. Men are not raised to give anything. Love, time, emotional support, effort, nothing. Men are raised to behave selfishly in literally every aspect of life. Only then did I realize I was asking for something that had never been given to any woman I knew. I've come to accept that men do not know how, and cannot be taught, to love in the way I want to be loved, and so I have to give that love to myself.

terrn1981 · 2020-06-12T17:29:32+00:00

He wants what you are giving him, he doesn't want you.

msromperstomper · 2020-06-12T21:44:27+00:00

Seconding (or thirding?) childhood trauma. I grew up with a very cold and distant mother who always made me work for any kind of attention or affection. My father, although kind, was cycling through periods of depression at a time when depression was a dirty secret and he was in no condition to step in. For most of my life I tried to fill this hole in my heart which I thought could only be filled by love. Multiple degrees, success at work..nothing mattered. That led me into some really ugly and abusive relationships. Now I realize that the person who can fill that hole is me. It's a great feeling when you can believe that you don't have to rely on someone else - you can give the world to yourself.

RadarFemef · 2020-06-12T19:21:02+00:00

Pick-me’s are women who can’t fathom that it could be better, they can’t imagine that they deserve better. They try to make themselves satisfied with the bullshit they believe is acceptable, like men who think women exist to serve men, and get mad at any woman who reminds them maybe there’s a better way. It’s jealousy, it’s hurt and anger, it’s sadness and disappointment, and it all comes out as lashing out at women instead of the low value men and pick-mes who perpetuate this bs

2020-06-12T20:57:50+00:00

The pick-me lifestyle seems fair because society has normalized women sacrificing everything for men.

I am compassionate with pick-mees. A lot of that comes from a lack of self-confidence, and how can we blame them? I just hope many of them end up knowing their worth.

heliodrome · 2020-06-12T17:48:55+00:00

For me finally ending my pick me days coincided with learning how to self validate and have self esteem. One day I was no longer interested in a relationship and all the crap that I used to put up with. Maybe I am old, but I am happy. I have zero of the things I am "supposed to have".

2020-06-12T15:12:03+00:00

Put simply, it's internalized misogyny IMO.

curlygirl507 · 2020-06-12T14:01:06+00:00

Wait, who feels like FDS is unfair, and why?

Goodbye_Spaceboy · 2020-06-12T19:51:04+00:00

For me (recovering pickme) it’s because I’m super insecure about my appearance and have been cheated on plenty. I always think someone will leave me when they find someone better. I’m always comparing myself to other women- so I would always try my best to make sure other women couldn’t compare to me. I’d say really snide things about my ex boyfriends female friends in the hopes it’d make me seem so much better than them, when in reality I was really just hiding my own flaws.

I can’t seem to stop this kind of behaviour due to being so insecure, so I’m just staying single for now.

gogetawaythrowitaway · 2020-06-13T11:49:57+00:00

Being a pickme can easily develop into being a woman who's easily manipulated and can lead to abuse.

It happened to me, I can say from my past experience, I fell in with really bad crowds, got with men who just used me when I offered them everything I had.

I was a TOTAL pickme used to joke about other women and I was a major 'cool girl'. It ended up with men coaxing me into taking drugs and I lost over 2000 pounds paying for a deadbeat to live with me. He was my boyfriend and was left homeless so I had to put him up, right?

He refused to get a job and didn't pay any bills. This is what letting men off all the time leads to.

Also, if he watches porn all the time and uses instagram and tiktok a lot to perv on young looking girls - don't bother. They try to excuse this behaviour (men and pickmes) and even I used to think it was totally normal and laughed at people who opposed it.

It's not, this mentality will only lead to cheating. Pickmes pride themselves on being the youngest/prettiest or whatever. Well no, your looks and youth wont last forever and you'll forever be chasing shallow judgemental misogynists.

Nah, best thing a pickme can do is look at all the advice we have here. Men play you. They can spot pickmes! They know when a woman will be the type to do anything for them.

Why not get with a man who respects you fully for yourself, and doesn't see you as some sort of extension of him. As women we are encouraged to give up our lives to help further mens'. This can not continue. Anyone putting their man before them and giving up their life needs to stop, you can do it. It doesn't have to be a life where you can't do your own thing and your partner makes all the choices.

If a man only wants you to act/look a certain way or he won't let you have independence, HE DOESN'T LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. Realise this now cause I learned the hard way...

I always looked for validation in men and guess what, it gets you nowhere and just makes you more depressed. They get bored of you eventually or someone more pickmeisha will come along.

I have never been more mentally clear than now when I've realised how wrong I was. Being single isn't scary. Not having sex with men isn't hard. Most pickmes usually have trauma in their past, a mentality that they're not good enough, so they overcompensate it, shame other women. And for what? A man that's what.

Pickmes need to address themselves and level up.

Rowbloks · 2020-06-12T23:03:25+00:00

Side note, peep the sub that crossposted this for a sad laugh. Big fat yikes

r4nd0m-u53r · 2020-06-13T19:38:34+00:00

Childhood abuse and trauma which led me into the arms of a controlling and abusive man for 17 years. Anytime I tried to have a boundary he would stomp right over it or gas light me into submission. I was so proud the day I kicked him out of my house and tried to put my life back together. After counselling and medication I thought I was ready to dip my toe into dating...

And I was good for awhile. I had built up a great life, I'm amazing and confident and I'm told fairly attractive .. I spent time with friends and doing hobbies..

The problem is, I now realize I can no longer trust my own initiation, nor do I know where my boundaries even are. It can take me hours to realize that I feel bad because someone crossed what should have been my boundary.

I didn't know that when I met a very attractive man who I felt was so out of my league, who had perfected his HVM mask.

When you are so starved for love, to feel anything resembling affection can be over whelming and addicting. I begin to realize pretty fast despite the dates and the warmth he showed, he really only wanted sex.. and I told myself at least I was getting something out of him just wanting sex.. and he would grow to love me because I was awesome and amazing.

It was easy to blame myself when he did shitty things. I hadn't clearly communicated ... He didn't know he had hurt my feelings, again... he has so much going on in his life.. I'm so needy.

I started to wake I'm when I realized if any man were to treat his daughters the way he treats me. He wouldn't be left standing... So he knows what respect is. He just chooses to not show me any. And I think that is the kicker with NVM/LVM they KNOW they are treating you like shit. And that you deserve better, but they have learned they don't have to and you'll stick around.

bt21shooky · 2020-06-13T12:56:16+00:00

I am recovering from a major case of pickme. That was caused by a combination of many, many things but mostly the following:

My mother's side of the family are from an Asian culture which reinforces being a wife and mother as the "right" life for a woman and a duty to society and parents. Even in my teens I feared the consequences of growing old alone and getting too old to have children
Having friends with the same kind of views; most of them Asian, but I had white friends who had married very young and talked about how wonderful it was, they didn't have to date, they'd be young and energetic enough to play with their kids, etc.
My mother has a compulsive need to be in relationships. She is now in her early 50s and hasn't been single for more than a couple of months since her mid-teens. This fear of being alone kind of transferred to me
Being bullied at school, told I was ugly, and would never get a boyfriend made me desperately want one so I could be "normal." Then I saw my older sister and nearly all my high school classmates marry by their mid-20s - of these, only my sister has thus far divorced which reinforced my view that I was ugly and unworthy
Wanting to rebel against my father who told me I would need a good career because I wouldn't find a man to take care of me, and who intervened to stop me running away with a guy I had met online (not a good idea, but my father was so hateful about it I wanted to "punish" him)
Seeing how men online talked about "cat ladies" and "the wall" and not wanting to be that
I lived with an eating disorder and BDD for a long time, and used to encourage myself to deny myself food or get up at an ungodly hour to put on makeup with the promise that if I did it, men would like me more. So the whole thing kind of self-perpetuated
Being passionate about a career field which is both competitive to get into and often doesn't pay well. It made me feel like being a housewife would be an easier life
Wanting security and to feel taken care of; again, my mental health problems had a big role in this

TulipNulip · 2020-07-31T11:44:33+00:00

This is an interesting question. I don't think I've acted as a pick-me before, but because I'm struggling with low self-esteem issues I think I can sympathize with them and feel their experience, I guess it's because they feel like their personal opinion on themselves doesn't matter. How they grew up also plays a part, family, friends and in general the part of society you most associate with. If you grow up with friends belittling you for not having a guy, if your guardians push marriage on you and if the general society thinks you're worthless if you don't date/marry/have a family at a certain age then those ideals implement themselves into your psyche and getting rid of them is extremely hard.

I think a good comparison is when you grow up with overly strict parents. You do whatever it takes, sacrifice your happiness for theirs just so they can be proud and love you. A similar thing can happen with pickmes. Saying things they know guys like to hear, trying their best to seem different or submissive and not showing their actual selves, just so they can secure a man so their surrounding people can be proud of them, or so they can feel like they fit in or are appreciated in some way.

Tldr: A pickme's self-worth and image is based so much on what other men thing of them that they shape their entire personality and even looks so they can make sure they are desirable and accepted not just by men but by society in further extent

I hope I helped :)

OnMyQueenVibe · 2020-06-13T02:09:40+00:00

As a recovering pickmeisha, I can tell you this: I held the irrational belief that if I lost a man's attention, there would never be another man who wanted me. Even though my own history (and the history of so many other women) points to the fact that male desire is only matched in its abundance by it's uselessness. Most women definitely have a man in their life right now who wants to get in their pants, even if he hasn't revealed that yet. And if you don't, just take a walk to the grocery store, or anywhere else in public, you'll find one.

I had to learn to appreciate my own attention. And also learn that I don't have to perform to keep the attention of a HVM who is actually interested in me, as a person.

Kind_Ask · 2020-06-13T02:39:15+00:00

I feel like i was meant to see this. You are so right.

Title	To all the pickmes browsing this sub
Author	Rowbloks
Upvotes	453
Comments	63
Date	June 12, 2020 1:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/h7kbmv/to_all_the_pickmes_browsing_this_sub/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/to-all-the-pickmes-browsing-this-sub.673848 https://theredarchive.com/post/673848

Comments