Freedom in relationships

prettywords_ · 2026-06-09T13:48:00+00:00

My ex was really jealous and controlling.

I felt like I lost a lot of freedom. He acted like I was cheating if I went out to a bar with the girls, talked to male friends, found a male celebrity hot, etc.

Healthy relationships shouldn't feel like losing freedom though. I didn't realize at the time how unhealthy our relationship was.

Secret_Entry1840 · 2026-06-09T13:51:14+00:00

I have a lot of different groups of friends. I get invited to do things with these friends. Sometimes in advance. Sometimes with short notice. I like going for late night drives. To clear my head or get out of the house. I have a very irregular eating schedule. I’m ND and adhd. Sometimes I’ll do nothing for hours or do everything in minutes. My freedoms are just me trying to navigate this world the best I know how to. Adding another person adds challenges. Compromise. I’m okay with a lot of compromises. But there are times I just want to be able to be the adult I’ve grown up to be and be comfortable in my aloneness.

TermAggravating8043 · 2026-06-09T13:47:49+00:00

When you’ve been at a demanding job all day, you come home and now have to start the second shift of dealing with kids, housework etc you do want to spend some quality time with your partner but you also want a few hours of nobody talking to you, not having to think of others snd just do your own thing for a bit without interruption.

Between jobs snd family, your time is limited and sometimes you want that time for yourself. There’s not much more to it

ChadChasingBReturns · 2026-06-09T13:58:43+00:00

I need the freedom to be myself and live my life beside you, not under your rules. I need someone not jealous of the attention that I receive. I need someone that understands l have an extremely busy schedule and you wanting to hang out isn’t going to come before my training, faith, and family obligations. I need someone compatible with my life and thankfully I found him.

the_scar_when_you_go · 2026-06-09T15:12:48+00:00

The only freedom a single person has over you is the ability to pick a new partner. That's it.

Conscious limitations being placed on a partner aren't the only ones being referenced. Having a typical (monogamous) relationship doesn't just mean not sleeping around. There's a plethora of responsibilities, added labor, split priorities, and performance that comes with it.

No one can be "on" all the time. That is effectively sacrificing the self for the role. And it's an unfair expectation to place on anyone, including ourselves. It's not sustainable.

In a perfect scenario, with completely compatible partners, there may be less concern and need for time away. But that's not a realistic expectation. A typicsl relationship, even with high compatibility, is constant work and strain. Like parenthood, it can be a great experience that provides a net benefit. Like parenthood, there has to be a balance.

intothewild72 · 2026-06-09T13:52:54+00:00

I see a lot of people argue that a big downside of romantic relationships are the restriction of free time.

In sense that you have less time for activities you want to do as some of your free time is consumed by activities your partner want's to do.

if you need to get away that bad why even with someone in the first place?

And that's why % of relationships is going down lately. Some people desire freedom for their own activities more than close relationship. Especially as incentives have gone down.

but only the kind of freedom that you shouldn't care about losing if you take your relationship seriously.

It used to be default. They still cared, it was just price they were ready to pay. Some people find that price too high now.

The only freedom a single person has over you is the ability to pick a new partner.

Single person has freedom to choose any activity instead of considering partner needs for different kind of activity.

they aren't even cut out for a real commitment and shouldn't even seek affection if all they do with it is hide from it.

That is what changed. You don't need real commitment anymore to have affection.

freedom to me sounds like freedom that doesn't amount to much

That's on you. You just have not discovered yet what you want to do, you will find it out.

The only thing I see people do with this “freedom” is hookup with another person they'll eventually want to be “free” from again.

Hookup by definition is opposite to committed relationship. You don't need to get "free" from it, it's temporary arrangement and ends on its own, very soon. Hookups are what removed reason for committed relationship to have affection.

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-06-09T14:03:15+00:00

I'm happily married, but I entirely get what they mean. You need to imagine I now have someone else (whom I love) that I have to run almost every minor and major decision, event, socialization, and thought by. And I was and am a pretty independent person by nature, it doesn't come naturally to me. It never did. I was the kid who forgot to tell mom things or thought I did or it never even occurred to me to mention and who resented all the oversight.

That streak didn't suddenly disappear because I love someone. I loved my mother too. Doesn't mean I wanted to take the extra time and effort to let her know every single thing. I love my husband and I want him involved, but also, I kinda just want to do my thing and not have to administrate telling him all the things and getting his opinion on all the things.

And then there's alone time. Even when it's important and I know it is, there's times I'll feel guilty for say playing video games for an hour or doing one of my more introverted hobbies for an hour. Like I should be spending that time with him and if I loved him more wouldn't I want to spend every single breathing second doing things with him. And am I bad person that sometimes I just want to be a little gremlin all alone in my office doing me things and not us things? And yeah, I know none of this is reasonable and it's not unloving to sometimes want to be alone and not giving him attention, but the guilt is still there. And it wasn't there when I was single.

And this extends into my appearance. I feel constant pressure to look pretty for him and put together. And he never put that there. Frankly, he seems to best like me when I just woke up and am in my most fragile goblin state of underpants and matted hair and a t-shirt. But I still feel like I should make sure I'm being cute and sexy. Even when I just want to be a goblin. Is this reasonable? No, but I never felt that when I was alone.

And this same thought process extends to caring for our home, chores, etc. I always feel like I should be making sure he's happy and comfortable and feels good and isn't annoyed with me. I never felt that weight as a single person.

And then there's activities with friends and family. Stuff he doesn't really want to do or doesn't quite belong at for whatever reason (a girl's night or such). I never had to schedule that around another person when I was single. Now I do. And again, I love him so much. But there are times you miss that ability to just be an independent gremlin who does what I want, goes where I want, and doesn't have to think of anyone else.

And I didn't even mention where I'm actually compromising. You know what never happened when I was single? Someone coming over to my house that I have beef with and/or hate. Not once. Ask me how often my father in law is coming over to our house and the weight and strife that causes me personally and interpersonally. I was free of that when I was single.

He's worth that sacrifice a million times over and the weight of caring, but it is a weight, a weight I did not feel as a single moron. I'm glad to carry that weight, it's the joy and honor of my life. But I'd be lying if I said I never missed just being Miss Independent All Terrain Vehicle Goblin.

Icy_Ad_4544 · 2026-06-09T15:00:19+00:00

It is kind of like having a BFF. I would say that most people enjoy spending time with their best friend …but don’t want to spend every second with them.

khanspam · 2026-06-09T14:00:21+00:00

When you go from single to a relationship, you likely want to keep doing what you were doing when single. If not it means you need a woman to sort out your life. Freedom might be the wrong word because it's too general, and we should talk about free time instead. Way too many couples fall into complacency and watch TV all day just because "they must spend time together".

For sure there are different degrees of risk regarding what people will do in their free time, depending on whether it's social or not. For example someone who needs to go on solo holidays non-stop sounds like an issue that can only lead to cheating. Why not got with your partner? Either way that's more of a compatibility and boundary question. It can work.

However for daily/weekly activities, time apart is good for a relationship. Same as love, music is the silence between the notes. I don't go on holiday that much but I need my solo time to not only miss her but also to work on my own things, and would hate a woman who constantly feels the need to interrupt to "prove the relationship". That could be the freedom people look for.

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-09T15:16:18+00:00

I see a lot of people argue that a big downside of romantic relationships are the restriction of free time.

I both get this and don't. The thing is, "free" time can be valuable, especially if you have solitary hobbies. You get a relationship and it's a net good, certainly, but then you're in year in and realizing you don't paint anymore, or whatever. Sure, you are technically free to make time for it, but if that means less time for your partner it could make you unhappy in a way that making time to paint never did when you were single. There are prices to be paid in life and just because the result is worth it doesn't mean you don't feel the sting of expense.

Both men and women complain about needing to get away

But this sounds like something different. It sounds like the classic "ball and chain" rhetoric that indeed always makes me wonder why people are dating/married to someone they don't seem to like.

But, I think there's another dimension to it as well: men and women are socialized to be different, then expected to pair off and get along well. Doesn't seem sound. A lot of men don't have, or want, female friends, or for women to have male friends—is it really that surprising, then, that when they pair up, they have trouble relating to each other and need breaks from having to try?

It's also worth noting that a lot of people date for the "wrong" reasons: they are afraid to end up alone; they crave self and social validation; they think they're supposed to or they're failing at life; they're chasing an end-goal, like starting a family; etc. The actual person they're doing it with, whom they may love, is still somewhat secondary to the role they fill in paper. This is very different from the more organic process of meeting someone you're crazy about and building your lifestyle around shared experiences.

Routine-Present-3676 · 2026-06-09T21:43:58+00:00

I want time to myself to focus solely on myself or my own friendships. To pursue my own interests and hobbies without having to manage another person. Just like my partner does. That in no way means we don't love each other. It just means we're fully formed adults with separate interests and friend groups.

If you're comfortable with fully losing your own life for the sake of another person, I love that for you and your future therapist, but nothing and no one has the right to monopolize more of my own life than I do.* Weird take.

*I don't have kids and am not discussing that here. Fully understand letting your child monopolize all your time and realize that's the deal when you have kids. Only discussing two adults in a relationship with my reply.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2026-06-09T17:32:00+00:00

Men who try to isolate women are a major red flag. It starts with what you are saying OP. Men ask why can’t I be everywhere you are and listen to every conversation you have? Why can’t I control who you see and what hobbies, restaurants and trips you go to with your friends, family or on your own? This is a tactic used by men to isolate women so when the man starts treating her like shit she doesn’t have friends or family to turn to for help. Men use this smothering behavior to make women feel trapped like they can’t make it own their own and like they don’t deserve to have their own thoughts or opinions on anything without his approval. Most people need alone time to unwind, build friendships outside of marriage (and before any men try to act all paranoid sex isn’t involved in those friendships) and grow as a person on their own. If a potential partner is so controlling that they need to be everywhere you are at all times then you don’t need to be in a relationship with them. This is the type of bad relationship that women end up feeling trapped in or murdered for trying to escape. If a man can’t trust a woman to have her alone time RUN!

anonymousppd123123 · 2026-06-09T14:11:07+00:00

The only freedom a single person has over you is the ability to pick a new partner.

Watching finance bro or moneyball YouTube until 2am without judgement, farting whenever and wherever I want inside my house, hanging out with my friends instead of dinner with the future inlaw hopefuls for their birthday. Spending thousands on my hobbies without judgement.

Actually one of the big ones I missed while in a relationship was going to the gym whenever I wanted. They all love the abs but when I come home at 7 all sweaty heat up dinner and relax its all "you never make time for us" etc

I spent years at a time completely alone outside of immediate family, so freedom to me sounds like freedom that doesn't amount to much.

In your 20s you are in your +time + energy -money phase. The 30s are +energy +money -time

wtknight · 2026-06-09T14:28:44+00:00

Romantic relationships do restrict freedom, but only the kind of freedom that you shouldn't care about losing if you take your relationship seriously.

Not all relationship partners are cool with another person living their life however they want. Many of the things men do before they are attached are considered very “man child” like by a lot of women, for instance. Being in a relationship means less freedom as a cost with the benefits of companionship, romance, consistent sex, and hopefully a good friend. So it is worth it, but it’s not like there is no price.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2026-06-09T17:10:21+00:00

Relationships include compromise. Any compromise is less freedom.

Whether that compromise is good, easy or worth it is up to you

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-06-09T17:22:05+00:00

More time with your partner means less time alone or hanging out with others. I don’t see why math is difficult

DMmeClownPics · 2026-06-09T22:10:27+00:00

The type of freedom I long for is stuff like the ability to just quit my job and move to a squatter camp and open an art museum. And I need someone who is ride or die on that type of lifestyle, because when I make up my mind about shit, I’m pretty focused on those goals.

hexdeedeedee · 2026-06-09T22:33:14+00:00

Its the freedom of doing whatever you want without making a loved one sad. That can mean an infinity of stuff beside hooking up with randos.

Outsider98 · 2026-06-10T03:12:13+00:00

You’re not wrong, it’s just that people have different social needs and energy levels, and a lot more couples need to recognise and discuss this.

From what I can tell, it’s usually ideal for most Neurotypical people to sacrifice at least 25% of their weekly free time purely for a partner, and another 10% for minimum extra communication sprinkled in-between work/personal time. And once having children, 50% minimum each and 75-90% when the duty of parenthood requires it.

However, some of us are not only Neurodivergent, but also highly Asocial.

It’s challenging for me to sacrifice any time at all for dating, challenging to sacrifice any personal time even for someone I see future potential with, because it’s too easy to prefer to prioritise only the present, and I strongly suspect that it would be challenging for me to sacrifice any more than 20% of my free time for a partner, with 7.5% communication in-between work/personal time.

Hence why as a child-free person, despite being Monogamous and unable to accept a partner who’d want to find satisfaction in other partners when not spending time with me, I’m direct about requiring a fellow highly Asocial and independent person.

And being in a relationship also requires a lot of other sacrifices that can go right down to daily or near-daily decisions as other’s have gone into more detail on (deciding when/where to eat, weekend plans with your partner and other’s in each other’s lives, etc.), especially when you’re living together.

Toe2ToeBirdLaw · 2026-06-10T04:12:11+00:00

Having a life outside of your romantic relationship is really important. There's nothing wrong with spending the majority of your time with your partner is generally fine and healthy. But spending all of your time with your partner is how you lose your sense of self and sense of identity.

There's also some truth to "how can I miss you if you never go away" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder"

I've been married 25, almost 26 years next week and I'd say my husband and I spent about 60-70% of our free time together during an average week. Sometimes more bordering on all, sometimes much less. We have independent hobbies, friends, and interests. Of course there's a lot of overlap in there too, but that venn diagram isn't a circle. That's the kind of freedom people tend to need inside of relationships.

Maintaining a healthy level of interdependence is what distinguishes commitment. You're a team moving in the same direction and building/maintaining your life together. But codependence is really unhealthy and it's how toxic relationships breed.

princeofbreads · 2026-06-10T12:16:20+00:00

for me it's time completely alone. i'm ND and i NEED to be alone at some point during my day. usually just an hour or two after work. no talking, no touching, no acknowledgment that i even exist. i just need to do my decompression or there's genuinely health effects.

alot of my previous partners would take this very personally, but would also get mad at me for hanging out with my family often (my brothers and i are very close). they would get mad at me for hanging out with my friends if i didn't know months in advance, insist on going WITH me and often ruin the whole hangout by starting a fight with me or sulking the whole time. i lost a lot of friends this way.

i have another partner who would often attempt suicide or self harm if i did something that upset them (like dying my hair).

a relationship doesn't mean i'm losing much freedom, because i won't tolerate that anymore, but there certainly are controlling men and women who can and will make others feel trapped in a relationship.

HovercraftNo2489 · 2026-06-09T13:46:35+00:00

I think you dont understand the healthy kind of freedom that you lose,

Just_Fisherman4910 · 2026-06-09T14:41:31+00:00

What is your zodiac?

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bluestjuice · 2026-06-09T19:52:59+00:00

I think you'll find that a lot of people's experience with relationships (whether by preference or because that's just what they've experienced as normal) falls more to the enmeshed/somewhat codependent side of the scale. To an extent some of this is simply a lifestyle preference and a question of compatibility. But it is possible to go really far in either direction of course.

ThrowRAGlobeVase · 2026-06-09T23:10:21+00:00

I don't know how long or intertwined your relationships were, but I think it's far from just wanting to hook up with other people.

You have two people with separate lives, friends, interests goals, values, and ways of living - some form of them will exist EVEN if you're very aligned - merging into a shared life where you share a lot of the same decisions and outcomes.

I was single a long time, and I miss a lot of freedoms - they just don't offset the benefit of having a partner. For example, deciding what to eat and when to eat without consideration for someone else. I could eat late, order what I wanted; now I have to kind of think about it, plan ahead. If I go out to eat with a friend I have to make sure the other person knows... which means I may want to plan those things earlier than being able to just do them on a whim.

You might want to live close to your family, they might want to live close to theirs... a compromise is going to have to be made in some way, shape, or form.

If you're in a 6 month long relationship, and you're essentially still courting each other and living independent lives... then yeah you're not limiting much in terms of freedom aside from hooking up with others.

sablesalsa · 2026-06-10T01:39:10+00:00

There are lots of freedoms you have while being single vs in a relationship. Like, if my bf wants to go on a trip with his friends, I expect him to run it by me first before he buys tickets and takes time off work. If I want to make a major purchase, especially if it's a for the house we both live in, he expects me to run it by him first. When you're that close to someone, almost everything you do affects them in some way.

There's nothing wrong with us expecting to be in the loop, but it does mean we have less freedom than if we were single. If we were married, shared finances, or had kids, it'd be more apparent. Thankfully, we both think that the benefits of being together outweigh any costs, and we both value alone time/time with friends outside of the relationship. That's what keeps it from being exhausting.

MrSamualBens · 2026-06-22T06:38:49+00:00

If someone constantly needs distance, space, and an escape from their partner, it raises the question of whether they actually want a committed relationship. Every serious relationship requires giving up some freedom. People often say they want commitment while still wanting the independence and lifestyle of being single, which is where much of the conflict comes from.

TurkTruther · 2026-06-09T15:25:13+00:00

So you have a dumb bitch to get away from???

Title	Freedom in relationships
Author	Automatic_Safety7029
Upvotes	8
Comments	108
Date	June 9, 2026 1:35 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1u1579k/freedom_in_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/freedom-in-relationships.1582426 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582426

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