Why does marriage kill sex drive?

Notsonewguy7 · 2021-02-17T20:05:59+00:00

It doesn't. My grandparents are old and I know they have sex 🥺 unfortunately.

decoy88 · 2021-02-17T19:40:07+00:00

People get lazy and stop trying as hard as they did in the beginning. More routine is introduced and novelty becomes non-existent. The flame dwindles, along with excitement.

The simple way to combat this is to continually and consciously introduce novelty into the relationship. This can be done through dating, travelling, picking up new hobbies together.

But since most people are lazy, and follow the path of least resistance, they just rather watch Netflix every night.

It’s the same reason why it’s much easier to stay in touch with friends when you’re at school or work with them - less effort/energy input to keep the communication lines open.

badgersonice · 2021-02-17T21:32:49+00:00

Patrice O'Neal: "As soon as they (meaning women) realize they got you they no longer want you."

If Patrice were actually Patricia saying the same thing, you'd all be screeching at her that she's just mad her husband didn't want her because she was too fat, and she should have dropped 200 pounds if she wanted to be wanted.

So what goes wrong with so many marriages that causes little or no sex drive with one or both parties?

To be real, though, in the US, weight and health issues are common causes of decreased sex drive for both parties.

BoredHouseHusband93 · 2021-02-17T19:19:43+00:00

It's nature's way of saying keep it moving. Heavy emotional attachment bond chemicals that last around 4-7 years, around enough time to raise an infant into not being totally helpless, and then after that it's basically a higher level social act, like eating your vegetables to stay fit despite being surrounded by obesogenic environment

Comfort and excitement are opposing forces

SmurfESmurferson · 2021-02-17T19:45:21+00:00

Married people on average have more sex, and more frequent sex, than single people

Marriage appears to be the best way to get sex on the regular, actually

Marketing_Baboon · 2021-02-17T19:58:45+00:00

Novelty wearing off, aging and decline of sex hormones, children, stress, laziness, decrease in attractiveness, the list goes on and on. It’s not impossible to maintain a good sex life throughout all of that, but it takes a lot of willpower and most people are not up to it.

vvvqvvv · 2021-02-17T21:56:56+00:00

Is it marriage that's killing the sex drive or popping out kids that are killing it?

While anecdotal, all the married couples I know without kids are still very fun/young tempered/rich/happy/etc. While all the married couple with kids are stressed/unhappy/less money/etc.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2021-02-17T20:06:58+00:00

I've been married to my husband for 6 years and we've been together for more than 7 years. We don't seem to have this problem. Maybe it's because I'm married to a younger guy?

alwaysonalongtrip · 2021-02-17T20:09:38+00:00

I love routine and I've never had my sex drive go down bc of familiarity. Generally in the beginning the guy romances you and then kinda says he only did that for sex and doesn't want to do it in a relationship so the sex stops/you break up.

sublimemongrel · 2021-02-17T22:51:19+00:00

Well it doesn’t for everyone m, dare I say most given the stats that married couples fuck more often than singles. But we can also never know for sure whether it’s a majority or not.

When it does happen it’s likely due to several reasons:

Both parties get more complacent after commitment and the honeymoon period is over. Women put less effort into sex, men put less effort into romance (which in turn also could contribute to women putting less effort into sex). This as a factor likely started long before marriage. And in some ways it’s normal and expected but you gotta make sure it doesn’t end up with one or both parties getting too complacent to where the effort is nearly non existent.

Kids. Careers. These things tend to occur/get more demanding with age. You do not have the same time as an older more established person than you do as a young person.

DebatePony · 2021-02-17T20:16:56+00:00

Does it though?

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-02-17T21:51:47+00:00

I don’t think it’s marriage, it’s mainly the result of being with the same person for years. It just so happens that most people will get married after a few years of being together, when things are about to get stale anyway. One or both partners letting themselves go can play a role too. The timeline seems to be something like:

Months 1-3: butterflies, trying to impress with best behavior, high sexual attraction and excitement but low knowledge of partner’s body, feelings developing

Months 3-6: more comfortable with each other but still hiding worst traits, high sexual attraction and gaining knowledge and of partner’s body, great sex, in love, getting emotionally attached

6 months - 1 year: sex still great, deeper emotional bond, starting to let guard down, some red flags showing, laziness creeping in

1 - 2 years: still in love, still attracted to partner, but things are cooling off, frequency is dropping, sex is no longer exciting but still enjoyable, no longer hiding bad side but still trying to be a good partner, no longer idealizing each other

2-7 years (I put a large range because it depends): chemical attraction fades, one or both partners stops making an effort, bad traits and habits become annoying, still love each other but not truly “in love,” attachment still there, but may or may not be enough to keep the relationship alive, sex becomes boring and less frequent

And that 2-7 years is when people tend to get married if they’re going to. Some people seem to escape the timeline, but it takes effort, and certain chemical factors can’t seem to be changed. I sometimes wonder if we’re supposed to have a new mate every 2-7 years, but then why is separation so painful? Why do we desire lifelong connections but biology pulls us apart? It’s one of those “bugs” in human nature it seems.

mandoa_sky · 2021-02-18T00:51:43+00:00

more likely it's simply life stresses getting in the way - work, kids, housework etc.

stress is a known libido killer.

rivertorain- · 2021-02-17T20:10:22+00:00

I don't think it's marriage but a combination of the following:

Couples don't have enough space when cohabitating. I mean psychological / emotional space.
People simply end up in relationships by accident (i.e. casual / fwb that progresses to LTR/marriage). Even if they know they're not compatible, they don't leave, because reasons.
Some people don't enjoy sex and don't need sex yet they commit to higher libido partners who are their opposite.
Misaligned values/expectations/beliefs in regards to the duties of husband or wife, that generally result in both resenting each other.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-02-17T20:47:09+00:00

Because just from a psychological standpoint when you have somebody "locked down" subconsciously you're just not going to try as hard, in the case of guys maybe they stop sending flowers for no reason or writing Little Love Letters or whatever in the case of women maybe they stop doing "that thing you like" in the bedroom, I've seen enough marriages where both people let themselves go physically, and maybe after a while you just get bored with each other, especially when you're talkin about having kids and everything that can come with that

relish5k · 2021-02-17T22:56:30+00:00

The death of sex life comes from

Babies (exhaustion, overwork, feeling like you have no ability to manage your own life anymore)
familiarity and complacency (lack of feeling a "spark", feel like you are friends/roommates rather than lovers)
For women also feeling "touched out" by small kids and resentment to a spouse that doesn't "do his share" (actually or perceptibly) at home.

John_Oakman · 2021-02-17T19:22:59+00:00

Because fun is transient while duty is life long.

Slipthe · 2021-02-17T20:58:58+00:00

Desire lives in a place between distance and intimacy.

The phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' has some validity to it. And people find themselves most attracted to their partner when they are close, but doing their thing. When you get to watch your partner be what you love about them, but not as such a distance where you don't feel like a participant. For example just today I was trying to help a neighbor get their car out of the snow. I went to ask my BF for help and he comes and brings small ramps to push the car onto. His intelligence and the way he glows when he knows he's helping someone is quite attractive to see.

There's a neat TED talk about desire by Esther Perel.

X88B88bewbs · 2021-02-17T23:31:14+00:00

Not a lot of talk about kids here. Prolactin, which is produced during breast feeding, has a good chance of killing a woman's libido. Is it a coincidence that many sex lives are completely dead after kids? My personal theory is that it's very easy to let your sex life stay dead after intense libido decrease due to hormones, compared to working at maintaining a balanced and healthy relationship.

After all, a dead bedroom causes absolutely no stress to a low libido person, but can drive a high libido person to depression. Now, that depression and hatred might cause distress for the low libido, but that's only if their partner lets it show.

Aldabruzzo · 2021-02-18T16:28:27+00:00

It doesn't.

Unattractiveness kills sex drive. Age kills sex drive. Chronic disease kills sex drive.

Finding out your woman isn't who she claimed to be kills sex drive. Men trying to simp out kills sex drive. Her being a bitch kills sex drive.

cunningcaring · 2021-02-17T19:34:58+00:00

You are confused. Marriage does not kill the sex drive. Sex drives ramped up during dating settle down to a comfortable smolder. But why are posting about things you don’t understand?

SeemedGood · 2021-02-17T23:31:35+00:00

Women are sexually stimulated by risk, the mysterious, and (just) a hint of danger - and are sexually bored by comfort and security. This reflects their dichotomously dualistic mating strategy (one man for genes, and another for provision).

Become the provision/comfort guy and you’re going to dry panties. Many (and eventually most) women choose a man to marry based on his provision/comfort characteristics and then this happens:

http://jessmaxwell.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Honeymoon-is-over_in-press.pdf

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-006-1010-2

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886916308534

Maintaining a sexually healthy marriage requires a man to walk a tightrope between women’s dichotomous attraction cues. Most men don’t realize this because we don’t think that way and the societal WAWE (with the assistance of political correctness) conceals women’s true nature from men with limited experienced them - and most men have relatively limited experience with women.

SaBahRub · 2021-02-17T20:57:37+00:00

Familiarity breeds contempt

Or, to reduce it even further, boredom

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-02-17T23:18:21+00:00

Rosemary Basson has done groundbreaking research on female sexual desire, she found:

most women lose spontaneous desire interest in their partners after 7 years
women have "responsive desire"
she developed the circular model for desire, to explain.

What happens is partners, particular women, need to transition from passionate sex to compassionate sex.

Women also find at this point, a focus on their pleasure can help responsive desire.

However many fail to do this and stop having sex with their partners altogether.

I think the traditionalist view of sex being special and important and something to work on helps resolve this, however the post-modernist thinking about sex being about our identity works against this.

Sometimes, a marital crisis, such as the man wanting to leave, can escalate this issue and help resolution. In /r/deadbedrooms, it's called the "loving ultimatum".

I think it's now part of a modern marriage that a partner, particularly the man, holds ground regarding sex and should be prepared to leave over it, to push home it's value in the relationship.

This, however, is not traditional thinking, but it is likely a response needed because of recent impacts by the "sexual revolution".

Unfortunately, it's the way it is.

Jaeger1975 · 2021-02-17T23:27:26+00:00

I stopped to have sex with my wife after 10 years of marriage and now we are 6 years without even kissing each other 😕

ViciousDextroShade · 2021-02-18T03:26:02+00:00

If the sex falls off right after marriage it means she never was attracted to anything other than your wallet and now that she has it she doesn't have to pretend to be into you anymore.

LightOverWater · 2021-02-17T19:20:52+00:00

Have you ever been nagged at for hours on end? It’s definitely not something that puts anyone in the mood. Neither do those periods of the silent treatment.

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Workaholiconew · 2021-02-17T21:49:38+00:00

Nature. In my opinion.

Men's bodies demand more than a single woman.

Women's bodies demand the best men possible in everything and none else.

You must put an conscious effort to counter these or they will fuck up any relationships. Romantic or otherwise.

Some people use sexual novelty like fantasies. Others romantic novelty, like hobbies. Others still, just accept it and let it die for their relationship's sake.

Marriage, is a agreement that each other will try their best at partially fulfilling the others need. It is not supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows. It is suposed to be a half way solution, which satisfies a bit of both bodies and permits the raising of young. Nothing else.

If it was not for the marriage we would have a small number of men with dozens of women, pumping babies left and right every other year. without any good environment to raise their kids. While the young men literally fight to the death to be these men. (Basically what chimps do).

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-02-17T22:34:57+00:00

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a lot of women have sex with their partners to secure relationships and marriage. Marriage is the final frontier though, so after the wedding ring is put on and the honeymoon is over, they don't have to have sex anymore, so they don't. Otherwise, the divorce process is likely to get them half of their partner's things, so it's a win-win for them.

JimBeamAndCoke2016 · 2021-02-17T22:45:52+00:00

Too many distractions and temptations that we have now, that weren't around for previous generations. I reckon that has contributed not only to sexless marriages, but also the rising divorce rates.

87AudreyHorne · 2021-02-18T06:35:00+00:00

" Meaning that as soon as women realize you're 100% committed to them (which isn't that the point of marriage? At least from an emotional stance) they aren't interested in you as a sexual being anymore.

Could it be that men let themselves go and relax in marriage so women lose interest?

Im sure both apply depending on the case.

Broadly I think everyday life doesn't really create sexually charged situations and people get tired. If you don't live together and took specific time for each other, then you'd get into it, but it also wouldn't be every day. But if you live with someone a lot of attention and energy is diffused over meaningless daily interactions over the good stuff

mountainofjoy · 2021-02-18T10:18:44+00:00

My guesses are:

The thrill and the tension of courtship is gone. You got ‘em and now you’re no longer chasing each other. Effort is now zero.

You know boring intimate details about each other now. The mystery is gone, and now you know all about their farts and annoying habits.

Domestication is a boner killer for both sexes. You’re not wild and free anymore, you’re doing mundane, unsexy things together 97% of the time. It’s hard to see the carefree biker your husband was or the mysterious artist that your wife was. Even if you’re still artists and bikers, you also know about the blanket hogging, the burping, how they like to load the dishwasher, what they look like scrubbing the bathtub out. It’s boring and tame.

That being said, it’s real life. Suck it up. Find ways to keep the relationship fun and spicy. Get away when you can. Try new things. Do what you actually want in bed. It doesn’t have to be boring.

I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything. And I don’t find it boring, even though the initial edge of mystery and excitement has worn off. There are still new things to discover!!

FrivolousMood · 2021-02-18T12:29:09+00:00

Most women have passive form of sex drive known as “responsive desire”. Over time, a woman’s “response” to the same stimuli (meaning the same man with same looks and same game) goes down. This is the phenomenon of conditioning which applies to much of human psychology.

SoyFemboy · 2021-02-18T13:25:06+00:00

My take: people just get old and old people just have less sex drive. That compounded with people marrying later and less just creates illusion of correlation.

Sewud · 2021-02-18T17:37:43+00:00

Surely if people thought they'd be in a sexless marriage they wouldn't go through with it

Lol. If your goal was to have sex you would just get a girlfriend, or even a hooker. There are reasons to get married - model for your children, save taxes, get citizenship, status of being a normal married adult to your peers, friends and colleagues, etc. It's also an extra level of commitment. It means you're more serious than just dating. You announce your intentions to stay together to your entire friends and family through a public gathering.

Nobodyz_Nikki · 2021-02-18T19:31:41+00:00

I definitely believe it's way deeper than a woman trapping a man with marriage which changes their sex life. Lots of things happen in marriages that can change things. I personally don't understand it and probably won't until I'm married but I've always assumed that sex in marriage should be an unbridled state of passion.

2021-02-18T20:04:08+00:00

[removed]

JohnDoe721 · 2021-02-17T19:29:55+00:00

Hedonic treadmill

Pontifex_Lucious-II · 2021-02-17T19:57:00+00:00

Because none of these Gentiles have my Sword of Jerusalem between their legs.

xFallacyx69 · 2021-02-17T20:20:58+00:00

It’s not marriage, it’s everyone thinking that they’re so special and deserving of a 24/7 one-sided attention parade.

Good LTRs work hard to keep a marriage mutually beneficial. Bad LTRs divorce and/or emotionally abuse others... that’s just the way it is

Hoopy223 · 2021-02-17T20:54:51+00:00

Loss of attraction. It just happens. Plus you spend less time together because of work or children or whatever and you end up married to a stranger.

CaptainFunkyMan · 2021-02-17T22:21:07+00:00

Women marry men for access to resources. Once those resources are locked down through a legal contract, there’s no need to pretend they actually find him attractive or enjoy his company anymore. There’s similarly no reason to keep hitting the gym to stay in shape.

Title	Why does marriage kill sex drive?
Author	Fuzzy_Novel9085
Upvotes	16
Comments	195
Date	February 17, 2021 7:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/lm27lz/why_does_marriage_kill_sex_drive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-does-marriage-kill-sex-drive.743802 https://theredarchive.com/post/743802

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