How do I get over his wandering eye?

DyingFlames · 2023-04-19T23:53:20+00:00

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks he has to sacrifice for me. Nah dude, go get as much green grass as you want and get out of my life if you don't appreciate me

BudgetInteraction811 · 2023-04-19T19:10:58+00:00

Everyone is going to find some people attractive whether or not they’re in a relationship. But the fact that he is struggling enough with his wandering eye to have a talk about it with his friend makes me think this is more than just simply appreciating beautiful women he sees. And talking about how he’s always wondering if the grass is greener tells me he has already considered cheating. Don’t tell him you overheard him, and don’t act differently with him, just continue as normal and observe if he is faithful.

Mommy_Koala · 2023-04-19T19:04:49+00:00

Using wisdom gained from almost 20 years with my husband, I can tell you this is a nothingburger. Don’t waste anymore of your energy overthinking this. You can’t police his thoughts and language when you aren’t around. It’s impossible to even know what he truly meant considering it was a conversation you walked in on and wasn’t meant for your ears.

Younger me would have blown up over this and created a lot of llama drama. Trust me when I say life comes at you fast, and will serve you up real problems that pale in comparison. Don’t waste time you could be happy on non-issues like this. You’ll only succeed in creating resentment in your relationship.

kittenegg25 · 2023-04-19T19:59:12+00:00

Unpopular opinion: Spouses should only be looking at each other with a lustful eye. Just because it's normal, doesn't mean it's right. My husband believes this whole-heartedly.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-04-19T18:59:26+00:00

Definitely read this comment thread and the original post.

Should I even want to be married if I’m never going to feel special? Will I not care about it as much once I have children with him? Am I always going to feel insecure?

Have you felt special before this conversation? If so, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm as insecure about my looks as any woman and my husband never ceases to make me feel beautiful - even though I know he finds other women attractive.

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-04-19T18:59:27+00:00

They were casually talking about how “life is so short” and how they can’t “shut off the wandering eye”. They’ll always be wondering if the grass is greener, etc

You did not put the "grass is greener" in quotation marks. Did they actually say it, or are you paraphrasing?

it hurts to know that he feels no real shame in the urge or empathy to how it could hurt me

I would not rush to this conclusion. He said this in belief of privacy, and I'm sure would never say this in your presence, knowing that it would hurt you.

I’m never going to feel special

Feeling "special" does not mean having a spouse who is blind to other people, but having a spouse who is aware of his other options, but still chooses to be with you.

You have been together for 3 years, and are planning to get married. As hard as it maybe to hear these words, they reflect the reality of, not just yours, but all relationships. Strong relationships are built by two people choosing to be with each other, despite other options, and not due to lack of them. It is healthy to sometimes indulge in the illusion of unconditional uncontested love, but in doing so one must not loose touch with the reality. Not taking your partner for granted and knowing that they choose to be with you is a healthier attitude that, in the long term, leads to greater appreciation, respect and trust in the relationship.

hadyayasmin · 2023-04-20T03:11:43+00:00

I understand your point of view completely. Security, emotionally, financially, physically, etc in a woman is important. Yes men are wired differently but pure love and loyalty combats desirable urges, in both men and women. He’d feel the same if you spoke about another mans wealth or status like that. I understand your emotions on this and dont think youre in the wrong. Its okay to be upset over someone you love making you feel not good enough. Validate your feelings OP, dont think that your emotions on this subject are your fault

xcheshirecatxx · 2023-04-21T03:07:18+00:00

I will answer as a bi woman who is very sexual but also very hard on monogamy

My partner check out women. I do to. Sometimes I catch him wandering because I'm checking the same woman, and I find it funny to make him uncomfortable by catching him because his ex was very jealous (like to the point that she'd go crazy angry at him because a woman approached him, which he can't control)

My partner watches porn. He's more into pictures than videos and I know he keeps what I send him, and he even did a photoshoot of me when I was pregnant

I also watch porn, but in both cases, it's when the other isn't available. We always prioritize us

I would have a problem with cam or anything that involves a certain relationship

He always checks me out when I'm changing, in the shower. He always says I'm annoying when we can't do it but that I'm "too sexy", which can be just wearing pyjamas

I don't have to feel in competition with other women or with porn, because he keeps my sexual flame very active. I know he's still into me. Sometimes it even feels too unrealistic, I'm no Angelina jolie

There's a line between checking out women and going to the point of wondering what it would be to be with them

There's a line between porn as a tool when alone and using porn after rejecting our partners.

Our partner should be telling us we're hot, and we should remind ourselves to tell them as well.

When people feel beautiful and amazing in their partners eyes, the use of some fast food isn't a weight on our confidence

NupeRanger · 2023-04-19T18:26:42+00:00

Man perspective here.

This has NOTHING to do with you, or means that he doesn't love you.

What you walked in on was a (private) conversation that did not have the proper context. Had you had this conversation directly with him, you could have gotten a better understanding of what he actually means.

In short, all men (young, old, tall, short, fat, skinny, single, or married) will find women other than his partner attractive.

What you heard was a part of a conversation between two men. You did not understand the subtext. The message was not that you aren't enough. It was the acknowledgement that while you are is one and only, and favorite person on the planet, he simple shared with his friend that he finds other women attractive. There is nothing wrong with that. All other women don't instantly become hideous just because he was lucky enough to marry you. He doesn't have to act on or betray your trust.

To put another way, think about your favorite actor or rock star. It could be a Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper. Just because you are now engaged is Brad or Brad any less attractive? Or can you still acknowledge that Brad and Brad are still attractive men, while still loving and remaining faithful to your fiance?

Diamond-Breath · 2023-04-20T02:27:12+00:00

I'll be honest, you deserve better. The comments in this thread would be totally different if it was the other way around. You make more than him, he's probably using you or getting ready to use you and spend your money on other women. Be more discerning and keep your eyes open, I wouldn't trust him. Don't let people gaslight you.

BePrivateGirl · 2023-04-20T22:51:12+00:00

Unpopular opinion here: but me and my fiancé of 10 years are polyamorous. We are both allowed to look and act if we communicate with each other.

Honestly, I’ve deeply considered becoming monogamous to him because my “other” relationships have been boring and unsatisfactory both sexually and emotionally the longer that I’ve been with him.

And he is not monogamous towards me. He has sexual and emotional relationships with other women. This is consensual, communicated, and it doesn’t bother me.

By the way, I’m not advocating that others should be poly. Especially on this sub. But we do it, so here is my opinion:

Looking at other women is no big deal. That other woman might be beautiful, has the boobs/hips/butt/hair/ethnicity/weight that you don’t have.

But she might be crazy! She might have incompatible values! She might be toxic, emotionally unavailable, lazy, selfish! She might be bad in bed! Even if she has external sexual attractiveness.

My man goes on dates and says things like “she’s hot but boring, can’t hold a conversation, unintelligent, clingy, stuck up, annoying, self absorbed.” He says, I’m not going on another date with her…even though he technically has permission to keep going.

He’s had sex with other women and said, “it was awkward, the spark wasn’t there, it’s just so much better with you”

And he’s allowed to share experiences that aren’t just totally feeding my ego, but most of the time, both of us do not have fun with others.

So if a man is looking at other women, or consuming a reasonable amount of porn, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Looking is not taking action. And if he did take action, he might find immediate red flags and incompatibilities.

So you need to trust yourself. Trust your relationship. Trust that he loves you deeply and intimately. Because you are an entire package. You are not replaceable by another pretty woman at the grocery store. You are intimately important to him.

I’m sorry that his words hurt your feelings. And you yourself might not ever look at other men “in that way” but this is about a situation where he was “talking about” “looking” nothing really happened.

I want you to keep that in perspective when you have anxieties and self doubt.

The grass actually isn’t greener.

rj6820 · 2023-04-20T07:53:41+00:00

It wanders on its way home, were it stares with blinding love at the marvel that is his wife

spicysenor · 2023-04-19T19:00:32+00:00

You can think of this a little bit as “locker room talk.” One man conversing with another who happens to be newly single. It’s like agreeing with and helping out your friend even if you have to embellish or lie a little to hype them up. “Yeah man, you never know if there’s someone better out there, so you just have to find what you want and make sure it’s a good fit…” etc…

I’m the kind of person that will adopt this language when talking to single friends or friends in need of a little uplift, but I’m very much a monogamous person and have never thought about cheating or even really flirting outside my relationship. I put all of that energy into my relationship (which isn’t always reciprocated).

worldlysentiments · 2023-04-19T19:59:21+00:00

I don’t think anyone really gets over a wandering eye. I’m a lady myself and I see hot men out in public I might do a double take lol not that I’ll be leaving my husband for them but they are beautiful specimens of men sometimes. I have a different relationship with my husband, more than our looks. We have a partnership. Sometimes we both see a lady in public and will give each other the “omg” look because she’s got a rockin body or something but it’s just like a normal response I think to seeing someone pleasing. There’s a difference between; seeing a hot person in public and glancing vs never having just eyes for you… you can have both. Because his eyes for you are in everything you guys do together, your home, your intimacy, your hobbies together… and glancing at a person cause they’re hot, is just a fleeting moment.

Now, if you spoke about it and he said he can’t help but wonder what another life, partnership with someone would be like.. that to me is a little different. But that’s my opinion. If this is solely about him just eye browsing hot people then I wouldn’t worry too much.

He was also talking to a single friend so he was likely giving him the “get out there champ” talk; sow your oats and have fun, life’s too short talk. He might not have been truly meaning it for himself.

RedPillDad · 2023-04-19T22:41:00+00:00

Men are wired to be attracted to the hottest woman in the room and woman are wired to be attracted to the best man in the room - the wealthiest, highest status, most powerful and/or best looking. That's human nature. Perfectly normal.

Acting upon that attraction is a different matter. Seduction isn't just a hobby for some men, it's a lifestyle, an obsession. Not every man is husband material just as not every woman is wife material.

How do you know when you're dealing with a player? It's when he loves the sport of seduction and can't remain loyal for long. If it's all about sexual conquest, he'll move on to a new target soon after he's 'breached your castle walls'. If you've made it past 3 months and he hasn't pulled a 180 on his personality and attitude, then you're probably dealing with a traditional guy.

After 3 years, you've both proven your loyalty. Will each of you still feel doubts? Yes. In 40+ years of marriage, some days I felt like I was trapped in a prison and some days I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. It wasn't anything she was doing, it was my attitude and perspective that would become temporarily skewed.

The anxiety you're feeling is called dread - the fear of losing him to another woman. It's not a bad thing because it makes you try harder in the relationship. If you felt completely secure with no anxiety, it usually means he's become less attractive, like putting on 50 pounds, to the point that no other woman would be attracted to him.

The anxiety means he's still got it and you're still attracted to him.

Publius1687 · 2023-04-20T08:51:53+00:00

Hello ma'am, I'm a dude - and I think much of the advice in the comments is both toxic and untethered from reality. On behalf of virtually every dude I've ever met: We check out women because it's a pleasant and innocent thing to do.

It's virtually impossible that what you overheard was anything other than standard bro talk. Bro talk about random women is so casual and meaningless that it is almost identical to talking about sports. Same thing with porn (it has no meaning for us).

You don't need to understand how the male mind works, perhaps it's not even possible to do so from an outside perspective. You can judge us by our actions. If a man in the prime of his life is also your soon to be fiancé - you're probably on a great life trajectory. Not because life is simple and easy - but because you've got a solid partner who will stick with you through the challenges.

Good luck! Also if you're really feeling overrun with negative thinking - you'll need to talk to a counselor (in person).

aussiedollface2 · 2023-04-20T04:15:40+00:00

Men will always look/fantasise about other women. I wouldn’t let it bother me.

kccritic87 · 2023-04-19T20:14:23+00:00

I think it’s pretty audacious to assume you won’t one day experience the same emotions he’s describing. The grass is greener thing is rampant in every relationship. Even as a mother you have days where you say “….but what if”….as a lover, as a sister and as a friend. I don’t think he’s saying anything wrong, it’s just brutal honesty that we all hate to admit. There are going to be days you wish you had something different because all humans do this. We all day dream and imagine a different life somewhere else. It’s not worth your energy to dwell on policing what he might be thinking about just like you don’t want him doing that to you.

If you can’t trust him then the relationship is garbage anyway. Trust is what holds you together and bonds you for marriage. It sounds like you do not trust that he is ready to be faithful to you. Even if he is, and you remain distrusting this will cause damage. Maybe you’re right not to trust what he says to you about loving you and never leaving you for another—-Only you can know that.

Breaking off your engagement over that overheard convo is wild….but if it’s that you don’t trust him then that’s different and worth exploring.

You’re both young too, relatively. Unsure if you have children but having children drastically changes men that are actively involved, also career etc. Sex and women are a top priority for young men but as they age that becomes so much less important when other important priorities take hold which helps with the wandering eye thing. It’s not that women just overlook the wandering eye thing….it’s that we trust our men not to fuck our whole world up over a pretty girl.

One last point on this— your man is choosing you every single day. It’s not all that special to be pretty. Many women are beautiful. You should feel special because your man loves YOU and chooses you over and over. You are doing the same thing for him every day because women (up to certain age at least) have way more opportunity to cheat and have any man they want. Men don’t have this access no matter how attractive and easy you think it would be for him.

Trust is the key.

Dehydrated_Jellyfish · 2023-04-19T18:55:45+00:00

You know it's a biological truth, but it doesn't make you feel special. Your feelings are very relatable and understandable. But the feelings do not reflect reality. How could he have empathy for you being hurt from words he didn't say to you? He can have empathy if he knows you heard them, but you need to accept the reality that men will not instantly see all women as unattractive, even in marriage. He thinks you are enough to get this far. He got this far even with having easy that can see attractive women.

IMendicantBias · 2023-04-20T01:56:33+00:00

Yet plenty of wives say they got turned off by their husbands 100% focusing on them and not looking at other women

TinktheChi · 2023-04-20T00:46:38+00:00

He will find other people attractive but so will you. Your relationship is deeper than that and you don't act on it. Finding other people appealing is natural. Acting on it when you're in a committed relationship is not.

Obj3ctivePerspective · 2023-04-19T19:55:34+00:00

When did people become do delusional and brainwashed by popculture? If he's given you everything you need/require to the point you want to marry him then why be so insecure that he can still find other people attractive? You've never lo9ked at someone else other than him and thought "he's cute"? Love goes beyond physical attraction and a wandering eye. If he's not acting on the wandering eye and giving you everything then I don't understand the issue

AgitatedHold6 · 2023-04-19T20:34:52+00:00

Nope. It's like window shopping. It doesn't harm anyone until the impulse comes over you and soon you are trying to offload your old couch on marketplace to offset some of what you paid for the new one.

Yes, you cannot control what he thinks but you can definitely let him know that when they come out of his mouth near you, they now affect you. It is up to him to control the urge to spout out random thoughts and to control these impulses.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-19T18:16:25+00:00

Title: How do I get over his wandering eye?

Full text: I (31F) will be engaged soon to my boyfriend (29M) of 3 years.

Long story short, I overheard a conversation he was having with his friend, who is newly single. They were talking in my kitchen when I arrived home and they didn’t know I had come through my garage.

They were casually talking about how “life is so short” and how they can’t “shut off the wandering eye”. They’ll always be wondering if the grass is greener, etc.

I don’t care how biologically honest this truth is. It still hurts to know that my future husband will never have eyes only for me, or at the very least, it hurts to know that he feels no real shame in the urge or empathy to how it could hurt me.

It puts me in a spiral. Should I even want to be married if I’m never going to feel special? Will I not care about it as much once I have children with him? Am I always going to feel insecure?

How do you maintain dignity and feel safe?

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I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-04-20T22:54:38+00:00

Was he just venting to his friend?

Many men have weird moments, it doesnt specifically mean that he is a cheater. It just means that he finds women attractive, which is a commonality for many married straight men.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-04-20T23:01:53+00:00

Tougher question: Is he allowed to have candid conversations with his friend or closest confidant?

Council is something that I hold in serious light. Im not accusing you of eavesdropping, but I think that this information is downgraded in a way. Think poison fruit of the tree or what ever the legal term is. I might be missing a better metaphor or descriptor, but I mean it in earnest.

Your concerns are valid, but I would be weary telling him about how you came upon the information.

Equivalent-Ad5449 · 2023-04-21T01:09:33+00:00

Don’t think it’s fair to judge on this. He wasn’t saying gonna cheat, he’s likely just going on with his friend. It’s natural to find others attracted. Only issue is if you genuinely feel he is/will be unfaithful. If this is solely you don’t like thinking he’ll notice other woman then is unrealistic

Then_Equipment_7812 · 2023-04-21T03:48:24+00:00

Tell him to lower his gaze

528lover · 2023-04-22T00:40:44+00:00

A true man is committed to his partner, and provides for her not just physically/financially, but emotionally - he should be creating a safe, masculine container where you feel comfortable expressing your emotions and feelings to him.

You need to express your feelings. And notice how he reacts. When a true man and women love each other, when one of them is upset, the other cannot be happy either until the problem is resolved. Does that make sense? A true man will value your emotions when you express them from a place of hurt - not necessarily if you express them by accusing or getting angry at them. (I know you wouldn’t do the latter anyways.)

What I’d ask you is to communicate your feelings honestly and not passive aggressively, and notice if he actually shows concern and regard for them. If he dismisses them and says like “that’s how all men are” or “get over it”, that’s a RED FLAG. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get engaged, but it does mean your man needs to develop greater emotional maturity to be able to love you truly. If you truly love your partner, you will NEVER dismiss their concerns and emotions (this goes both ways! Both partners are held accountable for this for a healthy relationship).

It is HIS duty to make you feel loved and desired and it’s YOUR duty to communicate to him what makes you feel loved and desired. In the same way, it’s your duty to also make him feel loved and respected.

This is why Marriage and family Therapy is important! There’s a lot of bad, hyper liberal therapists out there, but there are some that do their job well. It can help both partners talk out their feelings and come to a mutual consensus.

Not to make this about me, but just showing you my “credentials”/where I’m coming from - My man and I talk through everything out. He and I are both emotionally mature and love each other and are able to have these conversations. Also, neither of us watch porn and he has never expressed a wandering eye. (Also I’m a student doctor and therapist)

A true man and woman are devoted to each other and don’t have true desires to be with other people - just fleeting thoughts from time to time, and that’s normal - and it can include that “wandering eye”. However, the way your man said it sounded like he was regretting not being able to try out other options. That’s dangerous my love. He needs to be self aware enough to know all he wants is you… otherwise God forbid cheating occurs in the future.

slavicbabydoll · 2023-04-23T19:24:55+00:00

Well I don’t know tbh. I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and he constantly tells me how there’s no other woman for him that I’m his dream girl and how how lucky he is all this stuff. Even with his friends everyone knows how much he loves me. So idk it just doesn’t sound right if he is saying to his friends that he’s worried about the grass being greener. Sounds like a fear of a commitment. Guys will always look or whatever but if he’s directly saying things like that idk it just sounds off. This is just what I think based on my experience it could possibly just not be a big deal though.

Sudden8308 · 2023-04-24T20:59:16+00:00

This is normal. Men are visual. When you see a cute puppy, it's just cute and you want to pet it, even if you already have a cute puppy at home. That's how it is for men and beautiful women. That's not to say they should act on it, but it's just how it is.

Girls grow up watching fairytale movies where the man sees the girl, it's love at first sight, all other women become invisible, and he's intensely in love with her, warts and all. This is just as unrealistic as men watching porn and expecting their women to be like porn stars.

lillypad_empress · 2023-04-27T09:37:13+00:00

I have an idea, OP, how about you ask him what he did today (if you didn't know friend was coming over), or ask him how his day with Friend'sName was (if you did know, via him telling you), and try to see if you can gather any more context. Maybe the way he frames what he talked about will be a bit more telling.

Title	How do I get over his wandering eye?
Author	do_less_god_bless
Upvotes	79
Comments	97
Date	April 19, 2023 6:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12s56wy/how_do_i_get_over_his_wandering_eye/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-get-over-his-wandering-eye.1214907 https://theredarchive.com/post/1214907

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