Is it worthwhile trying to date without having a social life first?

SizzleLumps · 2022-07-17T13:10:12+00:00

find social scenes where you can participate in activities you enjoy. what brings you joy? do that and get to know people. people will be more drawn to you when you are enjoying yourself rather than being preoccupied with whether or not your presence is acceptable.

get this down, then things will become easier. you will have less issues expressing yourself in an attractive way over time.

Beanful · 2022-07-17T13:54:41+00:00

Mate you don’t need a girl friend, you need some friends, go out and reconnect with people and try out some new activities. Just do things to put yourself out your comfort zone and embrace it, you’ll definitely have better opportunities meeting someone you’ll actually like.

xiosy · 2022-07-17T13:25:59+00:00

I also lost all my friends after school now I’m 23 and alone so it’s really hard for me to get a girl and I don’t know how cause I’m always alone by myself without any social circle nothing

Various_Bass_7553 · 2022-07-17T14:30:05+00:00

No try to date and build a social life AT THE SAME TIME. You can constantly say “the time isn’t right” forever and eventually die with regret.

PTSDrazor · 2022-07-17T15:25:40+00:00

Bro just fill up your time with cool shit. If your ever board simply challenge yourself, people respect others that do hard shit.

For example : I stated boxing. This was a great activity cause I love sports and basically gives you a 6 pack. Now I can also share this experience (brings others to the gym/show untrained ppl how to punch), its a good topic of conversation and great way to meet friendly people and since your in shape you have the energy for more cool shit

Just Do cool shit. Join communities where every you can and try to hangout with people out side of the community you meet them and be friendly.

I was the same way just do shit that you can share with others and it should happen naturally (obviously you have to actively have to trying and also be going out to meet people)

PhantaumAss · 2022-07-17T11:22:08+00:00

Go for it. For me, it doesn't seem to matter

Upset-Temperature · 2022-07-17T18:32:10+00:00

Depression is a really tough thing to battle, everyone has their own journey with it. But the one thing I can say is that you have to be able to be honest with yourself. The way you speak reminds me of me when I was directionless and felt unworthy of success. When I wasn’t so successful, I was doing a bunch of drugs with people who I thought were my friends but they weren’t.

I was suicidal, I was depressed. I bought a gun at one point, and I too wanted to blow my brains out so that my parents could suffer. I get all the feelings you’re going thru. I wasn’t making much money but I was taking loans to convince people that I really was making money, I would lie about how I got it, and I ended up digging myself into a horrible hole of debt and existential dread. But as soon as I stopped lying to others and accepted my deficiencies instead of trying to hide them, I gave myself room to grow and I removed the veil of self-consciousness and insecurity that my parents basically created for me as I was in an abusive household.

In a sense, in order for me to heal, I had to pretend that my parents were no longer in this world. And that visualization allowed me to not be petty (I can’t kill myself to make them feel pain if they don’t exist) and it allowed me the space to not be so judgemental (as that was what my parents did to me and they did it so much that I started doing it to myself too). As soon as I could shed those negative repetitive thoughts in my head, that was when I actually gave my full effort and felt success in my path. Once that happened, all the other things started to piece themselves together.

As far as girls go, the world as we know it has valued girls too much. Social media, marketing, dating shows, porn, and basically all western media exploit our biological need for sex and comfort. But girls these days have too many avenues for validation. I guarantee you that you don’t need a woman at 27. And also, the quality of women you’ll get in your depressed state would only make you more depressed tbh. Being with a woman is not something for the meek, the emotional and mental energy you need to balance their emotions and be a strong masculine figure is tough! Focus on yourself, you could be 30 and be feeling great and all this pain you’re feeling now could become a distant memory. This pain you feel now, plus the triumph of understanding and regulating your depression will make you a very strong and empathetic man. That’s a beautiful quality to have, and it’ll resonate thru you to the people you will eventually attract, whether it’s in friendship or love or sex or whatever. It may be a longer journey than others, but you’ll get there if you practice self-truthtelling.

I bet you also get existential and wonder what the meaning of life is. To me, it’s just the opportunity to be better than the day before. And that mindset is part of the seduction process; improve yourself and others will take notice. No need to advertise your worth because the issue with that is that you will start to think you’re only worth something if you can provide or give things to others, and that sets you up for failure because at some point you will encounter the thought of “do they even like me or just the things I can do for them?”. Another philosophy I have is “take your work seriously, but don’t take yourself so seriously”. We get caught up in what we want to present as an image that it creates a vicious cycle where we become unhappy that we are portraying something we aren’t, but it’s an image we want to be. And portraying an image is unsustainable (ex. spending money on a nice car when you can’t afford it will guarantee that you won’t have savings to create projects that would give you that nice car had you gone thru the grind) so don’t do that either. I’ve read your other posts…To be honest I’m having a hard time believing you are making 200k and are also suffering from these issues. If I’m totally off, forgive me. But if I’ve said some stuff that you think applies to you, DM me if you want, I’m genuinely concerned and trying my best to think of things to write so that maybe you’ll connect with it.

jaypb182 · 2022-07-17T11:39:27+00:00

How do you think women can tell that you don't have a lot going on? What are you saying or doing that conveys this? I am on a similar boat tbh but I think I could manage when on a date.

CarsonWentzisnotit · 2022-07-17T18:12:50+00:00

Tale of two me’s:

I just returned to america from living abroad. In the city I was in I got deeply involved in “the scene” which was 33% each expats, locals and travelers passing through. I had a lots of good friends in the city men and women. And that improved my dating life in ways I never imagined. Seriously, there wasn’t a party I walked into where I didn’t know someone. I knew DJs, promoters and scores of hot girls. And this helped my dating life because women would see that. Seriously, my final party before I came home I just had women draped over me all day.

Now I am back home and I am struggling. My childhood friends and I aren’t as close and I have a few friends but it’s not the same as having a BIG social life. It’s only been a month but the struggle is REAL.

Best-Refrigerator-35 · 2022-07-17T21:49:44+00:00

Try the gym.

hookedonfonicsmunky · 2022-07-17T11:42:35+00:00

walk into the club like "what up i got a big cock" there ya go haha

humptyone · 2022-07-17T13:58:12+00:00

Set attainable goals, then meet them. Not so much in getting laid, but in doing things you like to do. The first part of a relationship is meeting that person. Stay off the sites. Women I know refuse to even consider them.

CanUnusual8729 · 2022-07-17T14:20:48+00:00

The best way to seem like you have a lot going on is to not talk about what you have going on. If you have you an abundance of something, it wouldn’t cross your mind to talk about it. If you want to make friends don’t show up places looking for friends. People can sense neediness from a mile away and it makes them uncomfortable. Just throw yourself into a career or hobby that genuinely motivates you and you will attract like-minded people who want to be friends. Or try to befriend a girl without hitting on her and she will attract people who will befriend you. A lot of girls will happily accept another friendzone fella if he seems harmless. It wont be great for your ego short term, but it will introduce you to more people that you can then try to date.

Snakehead004 · 2022-07-17T15:03:03+00:00

Yeah you're 100% right, they can sense that you don't have a lot going on. So change that. Get some hobbies, start working out regularly, maybe go to some meet ups for things you're interested in to meet others who share your interests. Become a more interesting and full person..

grizzled083 · 2022-07-17T16:54:08+00:00

Homie I’m in the same boat, just started learning martial arts and it’s moving me in the right direction.

Rastaman143 · 2022-07-17T17:31:05+00:00

You don’t need friends or women first off. Second you gotta fix your attitude and depression before even attempting to pick up women. Third before a women goes into a bed with you she isn’t counting how many friends you have. If you want to become a strong man you need to be ok with being alone. It makes you stand out and women will want you and men will want to befriend you. Fix your attitude and stop trying to feel validated from women. Care about your goals and ambitions, women shouldn’t even register in that area.

bryanjimenezz · 2022-07-17T18:38:00+00:00

Trust me, I am 19 years old and from experience that doesn't work out well. Love yourself ik it sounds cringey but learn to have fun on your own. Join clubs, compliment people, focus on you.

mellenix · 2022-07-18T00:31:26+00:00

Confidence comes from practice, experience and knowledge.

You’re a high earner. Invest in yourself. If you’re uncomfortable in social setting get some personal 1-on-1 coaching or small group coaching. Eg. Gym/yoga/martial arts, guitar, basketball, volleyball, dance, bike riding, therapy, car racing, public speaking, grooming/skin care/styling.

This will help you be more confident when you do step into a more social setting.

You don’t have to be super good at everything and perhaps you may find something you are really good at or interested in. These experiences will give more things you can talk and connect with people on. Share your journey with them. Help them if your good.

As you level up the friends and ladies will come. Wish all the best.

bennettca3 · 2022-07-18T01:40:08+00:00

My last 3 dates I only asked questions about the girls. I find if you just keep the conversation on them it doesn’t matter. Women only want to talk about them selves. They ask you questions just keep it ambiguous. As a man that has no friends and never had a friend, I hear u. Every girl I went on a date with wanted a 2nd+3rd date + I was invited to their house.

dump_fool · 2022-07-21T18:30:23+00:00

I think women can tell I just don’t have a lot going on in my life

No! It's just your defeated face expressions. You don't need a social life to get woman, you need to be social and sexual.

You don't need a social life, it seems to me that you somehow feel subpar for not having a social life and that fucks you...

I'm 35-40 old, all my friends are busy with their family, kids, jobs, i don't feel compelled to make other friends but getting laid is a different chapter.

humptyone · 2022-07-17T14:13:05+00:00

That you need to cure first. You'll never meet that special person if you're gone. Where do you live?

humptyone · 2022-07-17T14:18:41+00:00

1st thing I would do is get the depression in check. Once you start seeing the good in the world, you'll start seeing it in yourself too. I'd call the suicide hotline. They can turn you on to those folks that can help.

Bus1nessn00b · 2022-07-17T14:26:55+00:00

Hey there, I have the same problem as you have.

You need to learn connect with people. I advice you to get Charisma University program. You can check their videos for free in Charisma in Command on YouTube first.

Besides that you seem to do pretty well on clod approach. That’s the part I personally struggle the most. I have a lot of fear… but, today I’m going downtown Toronto to see how it goes.

jjboy91 · 2022-07-17T15:45:35+00:00

Since University I wasn't able to make new friends. I learned on how to enjoy life on my own and dating someone is just a bonus but not my main focus. I don't think you should overthinking this, go with the flow if it's a deal breaker for them so be it. Making friends is harder than dating

AssistTemporary8422 · 2022-07-17T15:49:19+00:00

The foundation of good game is good interpersonal skills. And the foundation of good interpersonal skills is lots of experience. Dating without social skills is like learning software development without basic computer skills. Also, the best way to meet women is through your social circle. Look for social events in your town and go to them.

hagakurejunkie · 2022-07-17T17:04:52+00:00

I would honestly advise against it in my experience because you will become EXTREMELY dependent on her very very quickly for validation. Because everytime you want to go out, she’s the only person you spend time with. If you get too clingy, she’ll pull back and with nothing else to do, you’ll chase and annoy her more instead of being patient and allowing her to come to you at her own pace.

Also, having good friends just vastly improves your relationships. You can hang out with your friends and have something to do other than text her all day, she’ll appreciate that other people like you and want to spend time with you. The saying goes; Men date the body, Women date the lifestyle.

user009818 · 2022-07-17T18:26:54+00:00

Honestly my one thing has always been to get mental health in check and then go for girls. Depression and mental health are things that can cause you to feel empty and also come off that way, therefore people will see you that same way. Obviously depression has many different causes but at least start working out, stop playing so many games and work on eating as healthy as possible ... I know it's hard to start doing things of that sort since it's so extraneous but as long as you build the habit and don't go extreme with it, over time you'll fall in love... I suggest gym because there are so many kind people who are willing to help out, teach basics etc. people who go the gym in my experience are usually almost always people you want to have in your circle, find something you love like a sport or a hobby and share that with others. Brighten your life up first and then focus on women.

focus_flow69 · 2022-07-18T05:06:18+00:00

Forget about women and focus on improving your social skills and having a social group.

All your answers have been excuses.

Stop the excuses and stop saying why you can't do this or that or this is too hard or boring.

Get up, do something about it. We live in the internet age where there is limitless reousrces out there on how to improve your life.

Life's hard, and sometimes we all want to give up. We all feel that way, but at the end of the day, everyone else had to rise to the occasion and solve their life's problems. You can do it too brother.

grindforthegold · 2022-07-17T14:26:22+00:00

you should try even if it’s just a bunch of guys. my social life is probably one of the biggest reasons why the women that do decide to be with me tend to fall for me really hard

P7o7s7t7a7l · 2022-07-17T15:43:14+00:00

Dating and social life are one in the same.

Have you suggested meeting someone who "isn't in the lime light" or "discrete"....

It's like saying I'm not some loud ass guy.

Flat-12 · 2022-07-17T15:50:17+00:00

There are no rules to it. You can build both at the same time.

smitchs521 · 2022-07-17T16:01:03+00:00

Do you live within driving distance of a bigger city where maybe you can try going to events once a month at least? Might be a good start. I’d say overall it might be better for you to start working towards a social circle first. Picking up a hobby and building a social circle from related events to said hobby is one way to go about this

SmolAnus · 2022-07-17T17:21:37+00:00

If it's casual it shouldn't be a problem. Also I know this is not the right place to say this but I find friendships more fulfilling than sexual relationships, so make some friends.

SeanBatemanJr · 2022-07-17T17:43:31+00:00

Don’t wait to get friends — you might not get them or at least not do it in the short-term. Work on all areas simultaneously. In my opinion you might not have a lot of happening in your life if you can talk a lot about different subjects. If you watch films, follow news, read books — you can talk about all these. Also sometimes girls are very talkative and in these cases you don’t need to talk that much. The main thing is probably just feeling great, not feeling awkward. If you feel great and at ease (which is function of your health and good biochemistry amongst other things), it infects the girl, whether you have a lot going on in your life or not.

-DAKITI- · 2022-07-17T18:25:16+00:00

Make yourself a person to be interesting to be with, a good advice is thinking that nobody cares to meet you or know about you, be the person who introduces himself and make everyone wonder about your life

Crab_rangoon17 · 2022-07-17T18:46:34+00:00

Just look up Marni wing girl on YouTube. Your welcome

leafhog · 2022-07-17T19:02:30+00:00

Find three hobbies you are passionate about. Invest your time in those. It will make you more interesting. You won’t have time for some of them if you get into a relationship.

Ideally choose ones that get you socializing with people.

Fishyinthemiddle · 2022-07-17T19:19:57+00:00

If you go to meet ups (https://www.meetup.com) you can find friends and potential partners.

MOProG2 · 2022-07-17T19:29:37+00:00

Meeting women is like making friends. You have to talk to people. It will be weird for a woman if the only person you talk to is her. Maybe try befriending women and have them help you out? Find some women that share same interests and ask them to wingman for you.

But if you have no friends you should probably fix that. In next few years with the economic order readjusting, you're gonna want some friends. Go meet your neighbor and introduce yourself. Get to know your grocery clerk, your mailman, your regular at the restaurant you frequent or that boba spot.

You're surrounded by people. Just talk to them.

MikeAlphaGolf · 2022-07-17T19:39:36+00:00

Every first date is an opportunity in that the person has no idea who you are. All you need is one interesting hobby and something to talk about. Preferably something that involves leaving the house, so not gaming or watching baseball.

You don’t have to reach virtuoso level. Even being a beginner at something is interesting.

Most of the resistance you’re facing will be in your own head. If you’ve made it to first date stage, most of the time the girl will be hoping for it to work. You’re on the same team to a point.

entitledwank · 2022-07-17T22:14:02+00:00

Bro talk to everybody. You’ll be surprised how many people are on the same boat.

Sarastanay · 2022-07-18T00:19:43+00:00

If you don’t have a solid support system, just be cautious. Entering dating without a good support system means you run the risk of making them your everything, and that could be overwhelming for them and yourself.

Neo-Rio · 2022-07-18T00:46:09+00:00

You can be a good pick up artist with no job, a terrible social life, and anxiety - if you want to.

You just have to say and do the right things and you'll still pull women.

Most of the things you think that attract women are not true.

hobbledehoyham · 2022-07-18T01:19:17+00:00

I agree it can be hard to make significant connections post college, but going out and socialising helps you figure out how you interact as a person & your social preferences - 2 important standards in dating. I also think socializing can fulfill gaps in feeling lonely more easily than dating. Psychologically, I think having a social life makes you seem desirable and eases people that you won't be codependent.

Dates not going well may be in your mindset, or how you work the conversation. From what I've seen relationships are usually private in the beginning, so as long as you bring energy into the interaction & are creative with dates you don't necessarily need group dates :).

Some ideas: Create a bucket list & explore hobbies. Approach people with simply curiosity. Good luck!

SmallDonut0 · 2022-07-18T01:41:37+00:00

I mean.. you can.. but sometimes my ex would randomly bitchy for 3-4 days.. sometimes up to a week a month.

God I wish I had more friends

My current fiancée is on depo and our time has been prefect... but I just figure out why.. she's on a depo(form of BC)

So. Incase I randomly get kicked out.. wanna grab a beer sometime?

humptyone · 2022-07-18T02:30:09+00:00

Keep going, or better yet tell the person it isnt helping. Suicide isnt the answer to anything

UrFavPlayerIsBack · 2022-07-18T02:39:50+00:00

For the short run - doesn’t matter

For the long run - u need social circle and not only

humptyone · 2022-07-18T02:56:02+00:00

I've known 5-6 people that have done this. The main thing that people say afterwards is they wish they had said something to them. The people that care for you, will hurt.

bombolord · 2022-07-18T08:04:11+00:00

my advice is to merge togheter the issues. When friends of mine ask what to do with dates and meeting women, i always tell that this is the wrong way because the first thing to reach is joy. i say "think about enjoying the time you will spend togheter" and i think that's it, you could build your social life and any kind of life you want, chatting and dating women and then, you will see what happens

After_Pickle6293 · 2022-07-18T10:56:34+00:00

maybe try joining a gym that has those little clubs in it to meet ppl? or find a hobby u like and take group classes on that? i feel like itd be easier to meet ppl that share the same hobbies as u

Scrub_Beefwood · 2022-07-18T11:44:11+00:00

Hey I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch with your mental health, but it's really good that you're seeking advice on how to start up and maintain new hobbies. I'd say not to overly invest in dating as a hobby/goal because it's very emotional and if things go wrong it can leave you more upset and stressed. On the other hand, having a sport session or another simple activity to look forward to every week has much less chance of seriously harming your self esteem!

Plug-From-Oaxaca · 2022-07-18T14:15:17+00:00

Yea, who cares many girls don't have that many friends either. You're always ready to date. Also get some practice out there it's a numbers game and dating is a skill

Repulsive-Fee393 · 2022-07-21T22:49:24+00:00

Life in its infinite variety, no you don’t need to have a social life or have anything going for you, in fact you can be a complete friendless bum and still pull dimes (I’m not saying you should do this, friends are great, they help in a lot of ways.) That being said you don’t practice football to get good at tennis.

Here’s what I’ve learned

Be in an environment where a lot of hot women have to talk to you ie work a retail job or in a bar or something.

Make your own opinions more important to you than anyone else’s, almost impose your opinions on women, women love to argue, so let them. Speak from emotion and irrationality not reason, women speak emotion, so speak their language. Contrary to popular belief, modern women flock to emotional instability.

I don’t care how ugly you are, you’re probably better looking than most really hot woman once her makeup comes off, so remember that shit.

You must cause friction by being brutally honest, this is necessary and sets you apart from all the other guys. If you think something, say it.

Finally, Go Party Motherfucker.

Longjumping-Plant546 · 2022-08-16T22:09:03+00:00

Yes, it's not necessary. You only need to have a perception of a good social life and being non-needy.

Title	Is it worthwhile trying to date without having a social life first?
Author	unclealbert1977
Upvotes	158
Comments	258
Date	July 17, 2022 10:56 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/w14u6h/is_it_worthwhile_trying_to_date_without_having_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/is-it-worthwhile-trying-to-date-without-having-a.1254265 https://theredarchive.com/post/1254265

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