Is it normal….

rhpeterson72 · 2026-01-26T06:09:40+00:00

I am a therapist. I recall one couple I worked with. The moment they sat down the wife went OFF about how defective her husband was--like a racing horse starting out of the gate.

I listened politely for nearly 10 minutes until she had to catch her breath. As soon as she paused, I brought out my magic weapon. "Now tell me," I said, "what is it about you that caused you to pick such a broken person to be your spouse?"

She was livid, but she knew from my question that I wouldn't be played. If your therapist can't or won't bring balance to the therapeutic relationship, you need to find someone who will.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-23T11:23:41+00:00

Unless that therapist established guidelines or boundaries allowing contact outside of your therapy sessions, you got blindsided and you need to find another couples therapist and/or get your own. How can anyone possibly trust a therapist that is working with the other spouse outside of the actual sessions?

Best-Maintenance-208 · 2026-01-22T20:54:33+00:00

Having space to say your peace makes sense I suppose.... however prearranged and over 20+ minutes? Seems like an attack, especially if all she is doing is throwing you under the bus.

GuyFromDaStore · 2026-01-22T19:30:33+00:00

Yeah, I’ve experienced this. When someone comes in with a script, the outcome usually feels decided already.

Huge_Mug776 · 2026-01-22T18:33:51+00:00

I get a similar monologue about once a month or so and it ALWAYS comes after she’s drank half of a bottle of vodka. The latest one occurred Sunday night. I listened to what she had to say and picked up what I needed to pick up. That being said, I have no desire for further monologues and am working to get the paperwork filed to eliminate such a possibility.

notconvinced780 · 2026-01-22T14:42:26+00:00

OP, there are a few observations from your post I want share. The bitter pills will come at the front of my comment, so hang in there for the payoff at the end…just like the divorce process.

1) If your wife starts a session with a 20 minute monologue of grievances, it may be because she can’t express it and feel heard outside of the couples therapy. Regardless of the context that might surround each grievance, do try to hear her. If you do, that could be an important step (towards what, we’ll discuss later).

2) if your wife starts every session with a 20 minute monologue of grievances, the audience is more likely herself than you. You are just an audience.

3) OP, your post suggests that your objective, saving the marriage, is more implicitly aligned with couples therapy than her apparent objective, explaining why divorce is her chosen path forward.

4) if you were to change every item in your wife’s 20 minute list of grievances, it probably would not save your marriage. If it did, your trade-off would probably be giving up what you value and who you are for a relationship. That is not a sacrifice you should make. Moreover, your soon to be ex-wife is almost certainly unhappy with who she is. Her grievances are probably an attempt to project responsibility for her unhappiness onto someone else.

5) after your divorce you will have an opportunity to enjoy being who you are, having fun, mutually rewarding relationships with women who are happy to spend time with you and not be exhausted by play acting that you fundamentally changing who you are and what you value will make another person less unhappy with who they are.

6) take comfort in knowing that, unfair as it may be, as women age they are often seen as haggard. As men age, they are often seen as “distinguished“. you have far more happiness ahead of you post divorce then you have now.

7) your roadmap forward should be: A) view the couples therapy as “pre-divorce therapy” not “marriage, saving therapy”. B) Talk to a lawyer immediately. Your first session with him is free, so bring a written list of all your questions and take note of the answers as you will be paying for every session and question after that. C) get your ducks in a row per your initial legal consultation. D) to achieve the best financial outcome, I cannot stress enough, the importance of speed. E) do not fight about unimportant stuff. Just stick to the business of getting the divorce equitably and quickly.

8) There are online resources you should look at so you know what the calculations are in your state for alimony/spousal support and child support. Child support is broadly, determined by statute and is fairly non-negotiable. Alimony/spousal support on the other hand while covered by most state statutes is highly negotiable.

Good luck! I hope you will post about your journey and success once your divorce is finalized.

*A note to the wise: your divorce is.NOT final until a judge has signed it! You and your wife agreeing, it may be a milestone, but is not indicative of an enforceable agreement until it is signed by a judge.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-01-22T14:35:45+00:00

“Marriage counselling” is just a man bashing session. Go back in the my comments for this sub, and it can be even worse what a “counsellor” can be up to.

UsualResult · 2026-01-22T14:07:44+00:00

Yes, yes it is. Many ex-spouses mentally desert their marriage and "check out" months or even years ahead of telling their spouse. So, it's likely that she DID plan this out in great detail and part of the appeal is looking like a "hero" in front of the therapist. IMHO, she's already gone.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-01-22T13:39:50+00:00

I know what you mean, man. I also know that sinking feeling, early into the monologue when you realize the therapist isn’t going to step in, they’re just letting it happen. My advice? Discontinue therapy asap. It willl suck. You’ll feel like the bad guy. You’ll feel like you’re giving evidence for her to use later. Discontinue anyway…here’s why: When we’re forced to sit there and listen to a minutes long monologue (likely filled with distortions unchecked) what happens inside? We hear things we want to respond to, corrections to make, defenses to be stated, but in the name of therapy we hold that shit inside until it’s our turn… only… eventually we can’t hold it in anymore and it’s HARD to speak calmly after that. Now you have a therapist to back up your wife’s statement of you being angry, explosive, volatile, etc… THATS worse evidence to have against you than walking away from therapy that didn’t work.

DetroiterInTX · 2026-01-22T12:46:46+00:00

That is NOT couples therapy. There is no need to see that therapist again—the therapist should not be taking sides (which this one clearly did). That isn’t to say they shouldn’t call out any bullshit, but they do not take sides.

Tonyalarm · 2026-01-22T11:54:00+00:00

No, that’s not healthy or typical therapy. Sessions should be balanced, collaborative, and focused on solutions. If it feels staged or unfair, address it directly or change therapists immediately together.

FUMoney · 2026-01-22T08:40:52+00:00

I’ve tried for weeks to fight for this marriage

Your marriage is over. File for divorce. Immediately. And stop wasting time and money on therapy.

FirelineJake · 2026-01-22T08:26:56+00:00

No, that’s not healthy or standard couples therapy. It’s understandable to feel blindsided and hurt, therapy is supposed to be a facilitated dialogue, not an ambush or a courtroom opening statement.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-01-22T07:12:30+00:00

Just because something happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME doesn’t make it normal. But yeah - been there.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-22T06:52:59+00:00

If someone has not already said it then I will. Usually when it reaches couples therapy, its too late.
Usually one of the two tries to just validate their reasons for divorce.

O12345678 · 2026-01-22T06:29:37+00:00

Sounds about how marriage counseling went for me. Plenty of the things that got brought up were exaggerations, intentionally distorted details, or outright lies. Even given the opportunity in therapy, I would have never come at her that way. I had plenty of things I could have brought up, but I wasn't comfortable with a tattling session. She would write down things I did wrong that week and come in with a list

It turns out the reason she dragged me there was because she had been cheating for the previous 5 years. Unfortunately, I didn't learn that detail until 5 years AFTER therapy hell. And to think I was excited about working on "us."

After I found out about all her cheating and she was claiming to have turned over a new leaf, she tried to drag me back to therapy. It was just another form of manipulation. Since I didn't go back she started "diagnosing" me with all these things that she learned from therapy. She learned just enough in therapy to pretend she had changed long enough that I started believing it.

Couples counseling taught me that she was crazy, but at the time I didn't have a good reason for a divorce.

Thebadmamajama · 2026-01-22T06:25:11+00:00

I've learned that couples therapy is an outlet for people who a lot conflict averse. Unable to engage in normal discussion and they need a broker.

In the hands of someone who sincerely wants to improve a relationship, it can be highly constructive to help both parties see where they have blindspots and how they can better engage and support each other

In the hands of the immature or insincere, it's simply an outlet to validate their beliefs/: be that to shame, demean and simply waste time to score a point in front of an "authority". They'll share that event with their family and friends to justify why they had to divorce such a terrible person (but they've done nothing wrong).

Move on sir, this one isn't worth salvaging. It's messy to go through but your mental health is worth a lot.

swomismybitch · 2026-01-22T05:55:51+00:00

Marriage/reconciliation requires 2 participants. She is nixing this.

Divorce requires only 1 participant, get on with it.

She thinks she has the power and is bullying you because she thinks you want reconciliation at any cost. It is easy to remove that power by asking for divorce.

UnknownUsername113 · 2026-01-22T05:28:40+00:00

Just give your wife the divorce. It’s clear she wants it. Do you really want to fight for someone who didn’t want to fight with you?

gapeforlife · 2026-01-22T05:22:16+00:00

I wish my wife would actually go to therapy with me instead she says I need therapy. I’m a man child. wtf

Reflog1791 · 2026-01-22T05:21:52+00:00

After 2 of these sessions I found out my ex was having an affair. The marriage counselor wasn’t even surprised at all. She recommended a divorce and had my ex stay late to talk about who knows what, probably divorce tips and tricks for women.

So yeah I just paid for and wasted time listening to a couple of bullshitters.

10/10 would not recommend.

However the memory of telling my ex “I filed for divorce, I’m moving out tomorrow” still brings a joyful smile to my face. She couldn’t believe it lol. Now I’m living on the golf course and have a way hotter gf.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2026-01-22T05:18:29+00:00

Report the therapist to the state board. The complaints are usually anonymous. Nothing will come of it, except the therapist will be notified of the nature of the complaint and maybe gleam some education from it.

Alternatively, write a google review outlining your experience. Because of HIPAA, they can’t respond except in the generic

EnvironmentalRate853 · 2026-01-22T05:06:08+00:00

Ask your therapist that question, and then ask for your own 20 minutes.

But it sounds like your wife is hell bent on divorce and there isn’t much your therapist will be able to do to change her mind.

My heart goes out to you. I was in your position until recently. I’ve come to realise that a) wife will never understand that divorce will be a detriment to the kids and b) I’m going to be much better off for it.

This Reddit is full of stories like your - the key messages is once they want out, out is the only outcome.

I’ve now come to realise / accept that divorce is not a failure. It’s almost a natural evolution of every relationship (noting the high divorce rates).

Maybe take time to digest, and focus your time and energy with a lawyer…

If you accept divorce now, it may make a smoother negotiation than if you try to hang on.

Hang in there mate - we’re all on this journey with ya :/)

SRT10_ · 2026-01-22T05:02:38+00:00

That sounds so fucking stupid! WTF?

She's trying to take control of the whole situation.....bet that's one of your pet peeves in your marriage, isn't it??

The therapist should dictate how everything goes from beginning to end. One side should not doing stupid shit like this on their own.

I would tweak if my spouse did that and the therapist allowed it

Title	Is it normal….
Author	Delicious-Curious
Upvotes	34
Comments	61
Date	January 22, 2026 4:57 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qjlec7/is_it_normal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-it-normal.1571719 https://theredarchive.com/post/1571719

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