Confused about our relationship - DESPERATE for help

elainejay82 · 2022-03-10T18:49:10+00:00

This is all one big NOPE.

Sis, just don't.

originallykoko · 2022-03-10T19:14:40+00:00

Confusion is your body's/ brain's way of warning you. That's your sign to leave and get out before things get more serious.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-03-10T18:46:53+00:00

Being confused is more than enough reason to break up with him and cut all contact. Don't even bother meeting up with him tomorrow. You can just send a text now saying "I do not want to continue our relationship. Do not contact me again." Then block his number and delete his contact info.

And please don't use that site 7cups again. It set you up for a trauma bond relationship right from the start. No relationship, romantic or friendship, should start like that. The only person you can meet and dump things on is a qualified therapist and you even need to continuously vet them.

millions_ofpeachs4me · 2022-03-10T19:02:10+00:00

There’s a lot to unpack here.

First and foremost, you’re not happy at all. In the relationship, in life, with your family, with your choices - all of that is contributing to your unhappiness. I’m quite a bit older than you and I’m American so I’m not sure I can help with any cultural advice except to say that I empathize with what you’re going through. It’s hard to find your own way when you have family putting pressure on you and you’re not sure you’d be accepted back if you deviate from their expectations.

But the relationship portion is pretty simple. You started chatting with someone because you were desperately lonely. There’s no way you weren’t projecting that and there’s no way he didn’t pick up on it. He’s shown you repeatedly that you’re not a priority except on his terms.

More importantly, you’re not in a stage where you should be dating. You have some self-work to do like figuring out what you want from your studies and finding a life direction. Your family wants someone older and established for you because they see you as fragile and in need of a guardian. I think in some ways you see yourself the same way, but wanted to reclaim yourself by choosing your own guardian.

My advice: drop the boyfriend. He will only confuse you more with his wishy-washy behavior, then gaslight you into thinking you’re crazy or over emotional when you call out his shit. Find ways to meet people, men and women, as friends, in real life. Work on your anxiety. Figure out how to balance cultural/familial expectations, if those are important to you, with what you want out of life. Consider putting off big decisions, like dating or moving or changing studies, when you can wake up in the morning without a sense of dread for the day.

But most important is that you have to prioritize yourself.

Plants_haveprotein · 2022-03-10T19:45:10+00:00

Not even going to read the whole post - if you had to write this much about your relationship…my god just leave

all_or_nothing_bet · 2022-03-10T19:07:04+00:00

It's just one giant red flag. And the fact that he lives near you now, with his anger issues, is very concerning. Girl, you need to start thinking how to safely get rid of this future abuser.

makeawomancum · 2022-03-10T18:48:25+00:00

I’m going to try and read this soon during my break, but I have to say this for now - I don’t believe any man who causes you this much stress to write as much as you did is worth it sis. (I’m not shaming you and I’m happy FDS is a safe space for women, he sounds like a headache though).

Edit: There are red flags everywhere sis, I just do not see how he is in any way high value. You deserve better. You met in a very vulnerable way… It is not difficult for us empathetic women to feel connected to someone through mutual traumas, but it doesn’t mean he’s a good boyfriend or right for you. I’m sorry, I really get the ick from him.

He raises his voice and doesn’t understand the basic premise of consent or boundaries. He prioritizes his bros over you. He doesn’t listen to your advice or value your needs. He’s low value.

Also I don’t think you need someone older like your parents advise. I think it’s best for you to work on your self esteem and mental health (I’m doing that right now too). It’s important to de-center men from our lives and to learn self love. <3

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-03-10T19:53:19+00:00

Most of what you describe is basically a warning for bigger abuse towards you later. Culturally you will not be an equal in his mind and he is showing you already. Real love is calming and peaceful. Trust your ick feeling, it's warning you for a good reason to move on !!!

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-03-10T19:31:13+00:00

First off, your English is very good!

Secondly, judging by your initial feelings and how you are even here in the first place I think you can guess what most of us would say.

Use your gut please…this guy is rushing intimacy, putting pressure on you by moving close by and kissed you without asking.

It’s hard to cut things off but if you’re unsure, pump the brakes. Take things slow and think about this. You’re very young, and there is no rush!

BasicUsername777 · 2022-03-10T22:43:05+00:00

Hello dear ladies,

I have been feeling very unhappy in my relationship

No wonder - from start to finish he is trash.

I apologize for any grammar mistakes in advance.

Nothing to apologize for

In March 2021

Red flag It has been less than a year. This is meant to be the happiest time, but it is already trash. It will only get worse.

a 20-year-old guy

Yellow flag There is a maturity gap. Not saying to run to an older man, but when you are very young, and the guy is even younger, that's going to be a problem.

on an online platform called 7cups. It’s an app/website where you can anonymously talk to strangers to make friend or vent to. Mentally I was doing very bad and needed someone to talk to. At that time, I had no real friend to vent to and I wanted an unbiased opinion to my situation back then. The app randomly matched me with him, and we got along very well. He was fun, caring, sweet, etc.

Red flag. A false sense of intimacy was created. Sharing private secrets. It feels like a friend, but it is a stranger.

Then for him to date someone who he found in a vulnerable position is just really icky.

In the beginning I didn’t think much of it but over time we build a strong bond.

False. Long distance relationships are fantasy. They work only when a couple who was together is separated for a temporary period. Not strangers that is why it is a big deal when people find real love that way because it is one in a million. All you know is what he says about himself.

we facetimed every single day for hours

Red flag False intimacy

he put too little effort into it

Red flag He has shown you what he thinks about you. You are not with that much effort to him. This is enough reason to walk away. If at the beginning he doesn't have any effort it is not going to get any better.

in the beginning stage of our relationship, he asked me multiple times to send him an explicit picture of me because he was so much in the mood.

Red flag. You have no idea where intimate photos of yourself will end up. This is not somebody who respects you. The majority of young men are porn sick and it sounds like he is too.

called himself a man pig for it

Red flag. When he tells you who he is believe him. This is not an act of of the self-awareness. He's literally telling you what he is.

he quit Uni him putting little effort in job search

Red flag. Do not become Barb the builder. He is not a project to fix. You find a man who is ready on the path he wants to be on not an aimless person. How do you think all these women with useless bums and up with them. They don't start like that - they just are people drift and drift and then you'll find yourself with three kids and a guy who doesn't work.

When I told him to start learning German, he refused

Red flag. Even if you was still living in his home country and you were in a relationship it would be a reasonable effort to expect both partners to try and learn some of the other language. But even worse he's decided to move to a foreign country but refused to learn the language. How is he going to progress red flag this guy is an idiot. So imagine you are together in the long term and you're the one just has to deal with everything for him because he refuses to learn German it is a non-starter.

he did not take seriously. . I told him to not pick the most expensive city, especially because he has a limited amount of money and no job.

Red flag. He has shown he doesn't respect your opinion.

him putting little effort in job search, only after me attacking him countless times, he starts searching and applying.

Red flag. You are not his mummy. If you shows that he's not interested then you need to walk away. By now have you counted how many red flags already red flag number one is already this sign that there more red flags under the surface.

it happened often that I felt very insecure while he was out clubbing with his friends, and I started arguments even though he didn’t do anything. I ruined his time while he was out with his friends, but I just hated the feeling of not knowing who he’s talking to and what he is doing

Red flag. This guy has shown he's not serious about you you he hasn't put effort into your birthday, asks for nudes and doesn't respect you. he shows no desire to learn your language he shows no desire to get a job or continue his studies in a way that a man who is trying to build a future with a partner would do. So he's shown you he's not serious about you so you know that the likelihood is that he is out with other women. You know. Your intuition is telling you this. Instead of walking away you're trying to get him to change. He will never stop..

he raises his voice at me

Red flag

he leaves me waiting and crying for an hour -> his excuse: the time passed so fast with his friends he didn’t notice. my opinion: he should have postponed the call because he was in the middle of an argument with his gf and its not nice to leave her alone sad

He has already shown you that he does not care about you. And this is behaviour in line with somebody who doesn't care about. So don't try and have a fantasy about the imaginary person you talked with on the phone. This real life person is showing you time and time again that he doesn't care about you.

in the few times that we met, he never brought me flowers or just something small. I told him about it and he said he “planned” to get some but didn’t because he intended to buy them at my station (buying them earlier would make them break) but he had no time since I was already waiting for him at the station

Red flag This is some weak BS excuse. And you know it. You don't plan to buy something at the station for somebody if you care about.

him disagreeing with most things that FDS preaches

Red flag. And why you even trying to convince him or tell him. There is no point he's already told you that he is not what you need.

Yes you've got a lot of effort into this but unfortunately he has shown you that he is trash and there's no point in wasting more of your own time.

It put an incredible amount of pressure on me that he moved so close

Red flag. There is no need to be in a relationship you don't feel comfortable in being just because he made the decision to go all this way doesn't mean that you now have a duty to him..

So, during that entire contact for almost a year, we have never met in person.

Red flag you only know fantasy versions of each other. You get to know a person by spending time with them in person.

On our first meet he grabbed my face and kissed me without asking first.

Red flag. Consent doesn't mean much to him.

It was his first kiss

That's just what he told you

I know I would have refused because I was not ready for it. I confronted him about it and his response was that me saying “I love you too” was the permission for him to kiss me and also, he did not want to ruin the romance by asking. I didn’t move and didn’t kiss him back because I was frozen.

Red flag. And then the next time it will be raped. Explained to you I like you and hurt him rights over your body

l I just have this feeling that something is off.

You have seen all the red flags that I have pointed out - of course something off.

For now, they want me to focus on my studies and on myself.

True

When we went to Ikea, he reminded me of my promise that I will do my best in this relationship. He wants me to slowly bring him and my family closer to each other. I said that’s not possible in the near future because my parents don’t react well to me seeing him and to be honest, after yesterdays fight where he just left me alone crying I’m not sure if I want to introduce such a person to my parents.

What kind of promise is that. This is all just so creepy.

A person that doesn’t make me 100% happy and where I am questioning my love for him the whole time.

That's enough of a reason to end a relationship

I don’t know what to do.

You say I'm sorry I don't think this is working out. And then you block and delete.

you don’t announce a gift, you just give it. I don’t know if me being annoyed is justified or I am spoiled and entitled.

You know she's doing it's not normal.

In any relationship even if you just don't feel the vibe that's enough of a reason to end things. This guy is a Soviet parade of red flags. Count them. You've been getting one red flag is enough of a reason to end a relationship. Count them. And obviously you haven't told us every single thing.

Edit: I was doing voice to text so there are a lot of typos but I think you get the gist of what I was saying.

creamtart_ · 2022-03-10T21:49:03+00:00

You are not a martyr. Stop letting yourself suffer. Be better to yourself. Your mother did not go through back-breaking labour to birth a doormat.

Spend the rest of your 20s investing in your studies, career, hobbies, health/fitness, friendships, family (if applicable). Doing so will make your standards and boundaries strong and non-negotiable. This is necessary for when you are ready to date. Invest in building your confidence and self-esteem. You won’t find that in the arms of a man.

We here at FDS don’t accept relationships with insecure men who haven’t done the above outlined, so we hold ourselves to the same standard.

It’s not realistic to expect a HVM when you haven’t done the work on yourself either. A secure and confident man would not behave like this, nor would a secure and confident woman. You don’t need a relationship right now.

Vaahla · 2022-03-10T20:43:18+00:00

I stoped reading, wasn’t worth my time. And it’s certainly not worth yours.

Best case scenario is what, you bully him into actually finding a job in Germany? He magically manages to get through the VISA process on his own and moves to Germany and gets an apartment. 3 years from now you could move in together, he could yell at you while he goes clubbing with his friends. You can arrange his whole life because I’m sure he hasn’t learned enough German to manage the red tape of adulthood by this point. You are what…miserable and unhappy still?

You’re just wasting your own time and hurting yourself. Long distance is false intimacy and fake. You have no idea how many other girls he’s talking to or seeing online let alone in person.

I understand coming from a place of loneliness, but all this leads to is feelings for a fake person who doesn’t exist and more suffering long term on your part.

monalisaney · 2022-03-10T21:15:36+00:00

So he moved to Germany with 8k and no job? Girl you better run or soon you will be the one paying his bills.

rainbowshummingbird · 2022-03-10T20:43:56+00:00

Save your time. Move on

LeaveMeAlone__308 · 2022-03-10T22:05:15+00:00

As someone who was in a toxic relationship at 20 that lasted three years too long, I felt deja Vu reading this. Sis, the only regret I have is I didn't end it after one year. I am thankful for you to have found FDS now and I had found it then.

Listen to the queen advice here and please end it.

Objective_Ad7771 · 2022-03-10T19:47:02+00:00

Sounds like a headache to be around. Girl let me ask you two things: are you happy? Do his good qualities really overshadow the obvious shit-show he's "bringing to the table"? If either of these two questions are a "no" then it would be beneficial for you to drop him. It might hurt but it would probably happen anyway + the longer you wait the worse it'll get.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-03-11T00:15:49+00:00

Never EVER give the time of day to a man who confuses you.

This guy is a parade of dangerous red flags. Focus on your degree. I got married to a man like this in my early 20s, and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I had kids with him which amplified the awfulness 10fold.

Save yourself. Your mind and body are screaming DANGER!!! Listen. Trust. Level up.

c_a_t_lady · 2022-03-10T19:25:44+00:00

There are a lot of red flags in your story. I understand that after a long time of being together it can feel harder to "throw it out", but it sounds like that would still be the best decision. He doesn't seem to be the one for you. And all the time you use in an unhappy or uncertain situation is time "thrown away" from focusing more on you or finding someone who deserves you.

Good luck, I hope deep down you know what's for the best. 💕

someartsybabe · 2022-03-10T18:45:55+00:00

Saying this with love, please read the handbook.

ThePatriarchyIsTrash · 2022-03-10T19:59:09+00:00

I couldn't even read all of this. It was just a novel's worth of reasons as to why you should stop seeing this person who clearly doesn't make you happy.

The first sign that you need to leave is you feeling the need to draft a manifesto about the person's failings.

PigeonCities · 2022-03-10T21:50:36+00:00

He sounds selfish, and your morals don’t align. You started having fights very early into the relationship and now it’s only a source of anxiety and sadness. Drop him, sis. You deserve way better

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2022-03-10T22:22:33+00:00

This relationship is a waste of your time and energy, plain and simple.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-03-10T23:33:44+00:00

“I’ve been feeling very unhappy in my relationship for a few weeks” so leave. He sounds abusive. This post is so messy.

levelitradically · 2022-03-10T20:52:06+00:00

I'm going to be honest– I couldn't finish reading this. The amount of ways he has mistreated you was too painful to read. But you need to get out of that relationship.

sammytheforsaken · 2022-03-10T22:14:05+00:00

Tu mir den Gefallen und wirf den ganzen Mann einfach weg.

Moira_Spice · 2022-03-10T23:59:41+00:00

If you come here to write out a whole 500+ words text about how he's shit, he ain't it. Dump his ass, this is like a communist parade of goddamn red flags.

Jandi18 · 2022-03-11T01:26:00+00:00

When a guy is against abortion it’s time to run!! Like really RUN!!! Do not even bother convincing him.

thinktwiceorelse · 2022-03-10T20:57:20+00:00

Absolutely not.

Fabulous_Pumpkin_101 · 2022-03-10T22:58:10+00:00

If you even need to make a post about your "confusion" in a relationship, it's not the right one.

shelballama · 2022-03-10T18:56:35+00:00

Honestly the late gifts early on would be enough for me to nope out; remember, he's on his best behavior early in the relationship/ during the first meetings. And that's how he acts/ the effort? It will only get worse

Second issue that he asked you for a nude. I get the impulse, but no one is dumb enough to not understand how that gives him a LOT of power, unfortunately, into your life. I say this from personal experience. I would have absolutely dropped him here.

He is jobless? No thanks. You aren't here to strongarm him into learning nor being an adult.

The first kiss thing? Awkward and weird as hell. I have never been asked by a man if he could kiss me, it's always been naturally smooth and clearly wanted on my part. But the "he planned to" is an ick. Imagine him doing that in the future. "I PLANNED on getting you a birthday gift, but you see x y z happened.." no thanks

A mall date? You're not in high school right? IKEA? Did you assemble furniture together? What's the lure here? I'm seeing low value oozing out of this man as we speak

Your parents are right, focus on yourself and your education. Some low effort tool is not worth the time investment.

He left you alone crying? You left out the details of that fight but my partner has not made me cry, in 5 years.

Him announcing is manipulative, he's clearly trying to guilt you.

Tonight read and then REREAD the FDS handbook. You need to also look at the red flags here. One should have been enough to send you in your way. You're wearing rose-colored glasses.

You honestly don't even need to meet with him tomorrow. I wouldn't and most would tell you to block and delete. I feel like he'd show up at your place if that happened, so I personally believe you should text him "I am not meeting up with you tomorrow. This relationship isn't working for me, so I'm breaking up with you." THEN block and delete.

If not, judging by your post you will let yourself be manipulated into staying or trip over yourself apologizing so be can make you out to be the bad guy here. You're not. He's low effort.

Let me paint you a picture if you don't dump him today.

You go tomorrow, he begs you for one chance and --gasp-- he spent 10 euros on flowers! So now you feel guilty and you, tears in your eyes and him saying you're being unfair, reluctantly get back together with him. After all, maybe you WERE being too hard on him right? He's finally done one thing right.

A year down the road, he lives with you. He hasn't gotten a job. He forgot your birthday again but he's sometimes funny and you know not everyone can always be on top of things so you forgive him. Your last date was 6 months ago in H&M.

Another 5 years. You put education in the backseat because you are invested in making this work with him. You don't know why he doesn't seem to love you enough to put in effort, but hey at least he's usually nice to you, and can be funny. You don't have a degree/ haven't spent time putting in effort in your field. You and your job barely scrape by, and then you come home to man who "was going to" clean the house but then didn't. This last Christmas he got you socks and chocolate he mostly ate, and you bought him a gaming system he spends all his time on. He works the odd job here or there. Maybe you have a kid. You do almost all of the childcare. You cry thinking about how difficult it will be to extricate yourself from this life now and how your parents were right. You wonder where it all went wrong and if there's a better life out there if only you are brave enough to get out of this relationship and start over.

You wish you had broken up with him and can't believe that those 10 euro flowers ended up costing you so much; years and years of your life and time and energy and opportunities.

Morpheusismybrother · 2022-03-10T20:51:49+00:00

Remember that you're brillant, beautiful and worthy of love. Give yourself a hug and, if you like, please accept my virtual hug, too.

You're an amazing girl and you deserve the best. You deserve respect, love, kindness and so much more.

Even if he's doing his best, maybe his best isn't what you need? Protect the great woman you are and be your own best friend. If he's not making you feel like a queen, leave. You'll find someone better.

Swoleunicorn · 2022-03-11T04:30:41+00:00

Honestly, don’t do online long distance relationships that start out online first. I did that and found out he had a girlfriend. It was a big mistake.

retrobaby1 · 2022-03-10T19:26:09+00:00

if you've got any doubt or unhappiness at all, trust it. it doesnt go away and its there for a reason. thats all the justification you need.

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2022-03-11T00:30:11+00:00

I think you should break up with him because:

he doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve
he doesn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you do
he raised his voice to you
he prioritizes having fun with his friends and going to the club over you and your feelings, and then makes you feel like you’re the one hurting him
he clearly doesn’t have the same goals and values that you have, for dating/relationships or for life in general
he kissed you without consent and then made excuses when you said you didn’t like that
he asked for sexually explicit pictures (and likely would have shown them to other guys of you had sent them)
he does not care if you’re feeling sad or hurt. If you got in a fight with your best friend and you knew she was feeling hurt and sad, would you go have a good time? Or would you try to work it out with her? Your boyfriend should treat you as good as your friends do or better, not worse
the biggest of all: 🚩you met him on a website for support when you were vulnerable. He talked to a young woman who was struggling mentally and his thoughts were not concern for your wellbeing but trying to get himself laid.

Your parents are right that you should focus on yourself and your studies. I think it’s fine if you want to date outside your nationality, and I don’t think you need an older man. But you should wait until you meet someone you like who has goals and motivations of his own. You can meet a nice, attractive guy your age who is stable emotionally and financially, but the best way to do that is to work on achieving those things yourself and get to the point where you don’t think you need a relationship to be complete.

thoughtsofa · 2022-03-10T19:43:02+00:00

If it is a healthy and loving relationship you wouldn’t feel confused, you wouldn’t be doubting yourself, you wouldn’t feel like he makes little to no effort. However, your comments make it seem like you want reassurance to stay with him rather than the answer you already know in your gut. I wish you luck and hope that you stop being with him.

roundbackpack · 2022-03-10T21:46:29+00:00

This is overally really weird. You just met 3 times in person and you've maintained an online relationship for a whole entire year without meeting in real life... That's... Weird as hell honestly.

Don't meet men online, and if you do, make sure you can meet them in real life as soon as possible...

stitchabitch_ · 2022-03-10T18:44:15+00:00

I'm sorry. This relationship is causing you so much unhappiness, you're so young, just leave.

Not_2day_Baby · 2022-03-11T15:13:47+00:00

It’s super easy for us to say “dump this dude” but it’s never easy to let go of someone, especially because you are so young. But believe me, all of us here who are a (little) older have been here. You are young and you desperately want to make this work, but from experience we know that this is a lost cause. Like others have mentioned, this should be the most happy time of your relationship. You two are just not compatible.

I am in my 30’s and I’ve put so much energy, tears and hope into relationships with men who didn’t deserve it. It’s scary to let someone go, even a toxic one. But you will meet so many more people in your life. You have to put your emotions aside and think about this. Will you really be happy with him if he never changes? People rarely change.

What would you advise someone with the same situation? What would you advise if this post was written by a friend?

Kampungmonyet · 2022-03-10T18:56:27+00:00

It sounds very stressful and like there’s nothing in it for you. Why put yourself through this?

imnutsbutwhoisnt · 2022-03-10T19:28:40+00:00

I was unhappy in a 1.5 year relationship, and I stayed with him for eight months of it. Please, break up with him. You can do so much better and I can assure you that it will not change with him, it will get worse

feministcutie · 2022-03-11T07:09:46+00:00

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. The time you have spent on this guy is already far too much than he deserves. Cut your losses and run now. He has shown he cannot even support you in this time of need and it sounds a lot like you started with a trauma bond. Just because someone helped you when you are upset once doesn't mean they are the one for you.

I think you are unhappy because of many things, not just because of this person and you need to work on your other things. Can you find a professional therapist to book sessions with?

Jealous_Butterscotch · 2022-03-10T20:41:22+00:00

In March 2021 I (21) met a 20-year-old guy on an online platform called 7cups.

First mistake: DO NOT date when you're younger than 24 or 25. It will never work. Life changes a great deal between 18 and 25, and you'll change again by 30. Dating younger than 25 is, for this reason, a huge waste of time. As an aside, guys who are younger than 30 are automatic scrotes.

He lived in Serbia and was about to enter his 3rd semester of IT studies.

Mistakes two and three: DO NOT date IT guys. They're misogynistic as fuck without exception. Also, DO NOT settle for long-distance relationships. They do not work.

- him being against abortion

Fourth mistake: never date anyone who is anti-abortion.

There are other red flags, but I just chose the ones from the first couple paragraphs. OP, you're deluding yourself into thinking this kid (and yes, he's a kid like you) is "the one." You need to dump him and refrain from dating until you are:

Financially independent and secure;
Above the age of 25 (I'd even argue 30 is better because of #1);
Ready to enforce boundaries at a second's notice.

spicyspa · 2022-03-11T04:45:57+00:00

You have our permission to drop him if that's what you needed. You don't even need a hermetically sealed bag. Any way will work.

queeninprogress · 2022-03-12T01:13:32+00:00

I have a question. Are you struggling to leave him in part because you feel like he moved there "for" you and like it would be some kind of betrayal?

Big-Paleontologist13 · 2022-03-15T03:36:51+00:00

go read & re read the handbook, listen to the podcasts on repeat, hell, even subscribe to the patreon at this point

Comments

Let me paint you a picture if you don't dump him today.