Thoughts on getting married (to a woman)

Normal_Study · 2023-05-09T23:33:30+00:00

If you're already married but divorced, all the questions apply to remarriage.

gratis_eekhoorn · 2023-05-10T00:33:50+00:00

Multiple factors, legal concerns, unwillingness to share living space, unwillingness to further complicate life with additional responsibilites like children, and not being a very romantic/emotional person in general.

frackingfaxer · 2023-05-10T03:53:36+00:00

I think nearly everyone who's unmarried imagined themselves getting married at some point. We are socialized to think that it is merely the normal thing to do. Marriage is supposed to be as inevitable a life milestone as birth and death. Back in the old days, back when the Church was the governing institution of our lives, it was there to preside over all three.

Naturally, I was no different. You might say I've been unlucky in love my whole life, though if you're being especially generous, you could say I have kind of sort of been in a relationship once. Though even that quasi-relationship ended in such a dumpster fire it may very well have soured the whole idea of long-term monogamous relationships for me. Not that I've had any luck since.

It would be fair to suggest that I'm just suffering from sour grapes at this point. Maybe that has something to do with it. But I've also worked in a law firm for the past five years, and during that time I've seen enough catastrophic marriage breakdowns to convince me that getting married probably isn't worth it, especially in this day and age. There is no such thing as a happy (or inexpensive) divorce, and given that around 50% of all marriages end in either divorce or separation, you really have to think rationally about the likely risks and rewards. Simply saying yes to marriage because it's the traditional path that everyone has supposedly gone down since time immemorial isn't going to cut it anymore.

Jim_E_Rustles · 2023-05-10T04:35:44+00:00

I would love to get married and have a family, but I won't get married in this legal and cultural environment.

Like u/rainbowlunarian said. Legally, marriage has a lot of downsides and precious few upsides for men. Plus, most women have very high expectations, which are skewed heavily by social media. Honestly, I don't have that much to say, which that comment didn't already say.

If I found someone that I wanted to settle down with. I would have the ceremony, give her a ring, and hold her as my wife, but not actually get legally married until such time as the laws change.

Here is another relevant observation. Personally, I've noticed that most younger people (30 and on down) are usually very emotionally cold, distant, and sometimes outright suspicious of everyone else. I think the constant disaster & outrage porn blasted out by the news and social media has truly made a lot of people too suspicious to form healthy relationships.

Draconichiaro · 2023-05-10T03:27:32+00:00

Well, I'm incredibly gay, so...NOPE!

Aimless-Nomad · 2023-05-10T08:12:09+00:00

Getting married is like giving her a gun and allowing her to shoot you with it whenever she wants. And she can do it with the full support of society.

Doesn't matter whether she actually does it or not. The fact of the matter is that she can.

This is basically how the laws that exist work. Its a logical decision rather than a ' modern women bad' one.

Agreeable-Raspberry5 · 2023-05-10T06:42:35+00:00

It depends, surely. Marriage with the right person: great. Marriage with the wrong person: terrible.

Manoj_Malhotra · 2023-05-10T02:50:46+00:00

I think most guys don’t really have the same number of options while dating so marriage feels less valuable. But I think if you find a gal who makes every day easier, who is all in like you in each other, and y’all have healthy communication and work constantly to make the relationship better for both of you, marriage can be a truly beautiful thing.

LettuceBeGrateful · 2023-05-10T11:57:41+00:00

I always wanted to get married and still do, but seeing firsthand how the courts will eviscerate a decent man and cater to an abusive woman has made me wary. Marriage isn't just a declaration of lifelong commitment, it's a legal contract.

Enzi42 · 2023-05-10T01:34:55+00:00

I'm one of the people who voted for "unsure". There are so many obstacles that stand between me and marriage that it's actually kind of funny. I want to get married, I really do. I have the typical dream of marrying a woman and eventually starting a family of my own.

But the current economic situation makes things complicated; I don't make enough to provide for a wife let alone a child, even if we both worked and combined our income. I have zero interest in entering a relationship with a woman who makes more than me/is more successful than I am; that was one of the fatal birth defects that destroyed my parents' marriage. And there is no way I would ever become a "house husband".

Finally...

I saved this for last but I think it's important. I want a woman who hasn't bought into the feminist narrative of female oppressed vs male oppressor. Far too many have these days, and it poisons their relationship with men, even their own loved ones. I want a wife who will be loyal to me and our children, rather than one who will throw me or the child (if they are male) under the bus if it comes down to a choice between us or some feminist goal.

DemoniteBL · 2023-05-10T07:41:49+00:00

If I ever get a partner, yeah, but I think I'll sooner win the lottery thrice in a row. lol

Arietis1461 · 2023-05-10T13:38:17+00:00

As a straight Gen-Z'er with a fairly minimal interest in sex and relationships as it is, I've never really planned on getting married under most circumstances anyway.

The less than ideal climate which seems to surround dating/marriage and the daunting prospect with potentially trying to navigate it (I have ASD) just makes it less appealing.

carverchile75 · 2023-05-10T03:04:29+00:00

Once married (15 years), once divorced (7 years ago). Fool me once....

Longer version...believed it was a lifetime together--ended up emotionally and financially abused in the marriage, and divorce laws doubled down on both. I hope to be with someone for decades into old age, but I'm not wagering all my assets and ability to retire on assuming she doesnt change and a legal system that is stacked against men. If things (or she) turns shitty, I want to be able to walk.

echonian · 2023-05-10T03:08:08+00:00

Don't get married unless you are willing to make a life-long commitment to someone and you know one-another well enough before marriage that such a commitment is actually likely to work out.

Obviously marriage has "risks," but that's why it shouldn't be entered into lightly.

I hope to settle down and get married myself some day, but I have seen many marriages fail.

rainbowlunarian · 2023-05-10T00:17:26+00:00

I'm one of those people who choose not to marry under the current legal climate (I voted "unsure"). I would like to marry one day, but right now it makes more sense for me to just have friends.

Part of my reasoning has to do with divorce laws. I don't see very many benefits from marriage that i can't get from close friendship, while there are tons of risks and downsides, most of which are commonly known here and in other men's forums.

Aside from divorce law, another reason i choose to be single is because it seems like the majority of women have very entitled, arrogant personalities. It's gotten to the point where i just assume that any particular woman i meet has that type of personality, and as a result I find it hard to be attracted to any of them. I should say that not all women are like that though, and whenever i find a woman with a good personality, i try to keep them in my life as friends.

And lastly, i don't feel like i can provide a wife with a comfortable standard of living in the current economic climate. Not that I'm poor or anything, but i don't want the stress of living up to someone else's unreasonable standards, or the fear that they might divorce if i fail to provide a lifestyle that they expect. Going along with that, i like having full control of my finances and other decisions, but that's a personal thing that i would have to work on if i ever choose to marry.

hotpotato138 · 2023-05-09T23:30:52+00:00

I want to get married eventually.

Dirty_Purity · 2023-05-09T23:55:17+00:00

I want but I won't.

crz8956 · 2023-05-10T07:01:57+00:00

I think you should specify the area/continent/countries, because situations are wildly different in different places. This poll, like, assumes, that it is about US.

EndHlts · 2023-05-10T12:11:48+00:00

I don't believe in marriage as a concept. (I. E. Legally or even culturally binding yourself to another person like that)

Feels like a way for the wedding industry to make money and a fake, hollow way of making a relationship "legit".

Poly_and_RA · 2023-05-10T14:48:54+00:00

I've been married once before; for 15 years. And it was perfectly fine. I don't see any major problems with the distribution of rights and privileges and obligations in marriages here in Norway.

I got divorced 4 years ago, and there were no issues with that at all. It took me and my now ex-wife an evening to go through the things we'd acquired together during our marriage and split them up; and the formal part of divorcing can be done online and at zero cost where I live. No issues.

From my perspective, here in Norway, the part of family-law that massively disadvantages men and set them up to be nothing more than a walking wallet is the child-custody laws and the government-organizations set up to enforce those. In the area of reproductive law men gets screwed over every which way systematically and grotesquely.

But not getting married doesn't help for that; in fact unmarried fathers frequently have even worse rights than married fathers do. Instead, the only thing that helps is not having kids, but even in this men are grotesquely mistreated: while "bodily autonomy" suffices to give any woman who wants it (regardless of age) an abortion, the same laws stipulate that sterilization, the sole reliable contraception for men, is outlawed for men under 26.

As for marriage in the future, yes I could easily imagine getting married again. The biggest issue with that is that current marriage-law doesn't allow more than 2 people to get married; I have 2 girlfriends and I don't think I'd want to marry ONE of them as that would set up a hierarchy between them that I don't want. (to be clear these two aren't my private harem or anything; they also have other boyfriends, we're all polyamorous)

BKEnjoyerV2 · 2023-05-10T17:44:12+00:00

I would like to get married someday but I’m not very good socially, I hate trying/putting effort into stuff, I’m scared of getting into issues (because my Title IX case was pretty fake and vague), I am having trouble finding a job in my field, I am scared of sex even though I want to have it, I’ve never dated or had sex with anyone.

I’m on the very high end of the spectrum so I still don’t fully understand how people get into romantic relationships, I still have a lot of personal issues, I don’t know how to meet someone/people I match with on apps are not my type, my inability to find someone in real life/apps contributes to my low self esteem which I’m trying to improve, I’m still trying to develop hobbies and friends which I didn’t really have before and are much harder to find now that I’m an adult, and lastly I don’t think any girl/woman has ever been interested in me and I don’t think anyone is now or ever will be.

Like I see people my age (I’m only about to turn 26 but still), having these friend groups and doing stuff with their lives and having girlfriends/getting married/having kids and I get super envious. I just feel I’ve nothing going on and I feel stupid trying harder to get what I want, and all that stuff is related in my opinion

Arrathall · 2023-05-10T05:01:15+00:00

Im bi, but ill neber even date women anymore

Unoriginal001 · 2023-05-10T01:07:08+00:00

Probably won’t happen. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t think there’s a person alive who would be interested.

BCRE8TVE · 2023-05-10T07:33:26+00:00

Ayyy I was the 300th voter.

As an overweight 31 year old Canadian male with anxiety, possible depression, repeatedly burned out at work but changing department and changing career, my thoughts are that I'm not a great pick (despite pretty much all my female friends saying how awesome, kind, caring, and patient I am), and odds are I'm unlikely to find a great woman to be with, or have her want to be with me, for at least a few more years.

By that point I'll definitely have to go looking for someone younger, because if she's my age she'll potentially have baby fever or want to get married and pregnant ASAP, which is far from ideal.

So yeah, I'm at like 50/50 on whether I'll be even able to find a good partner in the first place, and thinking I'm potentially past the stage where there's even any point to getting married in the first place.

If I find someone who passes all the tests with flying colours and we are deeply in love, then sure, but I just think the odds of that are pretty remote. Been single for a long while, and while it would suck to continue to be single and lonely, I can find ways to deal with it.

YesIAmRightWing · 2023-05-10T08:21:22+00:00

Marriage is a risky proposition legally.

I'll be getting married in 3 weeks.

I just think if she leaves me and takes half or takes 75%.

I'll just build it up again.

PDakfjejsifidjqnaiau · 2023-05-10T09:02:19+00:00

Don't see the point. I don't see anything romantic on the institution, and there are no benefits that would apply to me.

SuperiorFarter · 2023-05-10T09:24:29+00:00

I’m divorced and have a great relationship with my ex. But I would never get married again, unless laws and culture change.

burntoutpyromancer · 2023-05-10T09:39:33+00:00

Married to a man and happy that way. Okay, not really happy that it still doesn't feel safe to hold hands in public and he has to lie about his "wife" at work, sigh... but our daily life feels pretty chill and that's how I like it. I could have ended up marrying a woman, and I don't know whether things would have been different - I don't think I'd be with someone who has completely different interests and an incompatible outlook on how a relationship has to work, but it's all speculation.

LardBall13 · 2023-05-10T10:53:42+00:00

Not legally wed seems more ideal.

Langland88 · 2023-05-10T10:56:49+00:00

I'm in a relationship with a woman and I have the ring. I was planning on popping the question this summer. Yes I am aware that marriage can be rigged against men but at the same time, I don't want to let that stop me from getting married. I feel like maybe getting a prenup might be the best way to go although I don't know if she'll go for that.

KD_Ram · 2023-05-10T10:58:02+00:00

I don't want a good women to suffer from my mental issues and a bad women would be a potential Darwin award candidate combined with the fact that it is easier for me to be friendly with women if sex is removed from the equation.

add on the fact that I am sterile and it should be obvious on why I answered never

animesainthilare · 2023-05-10T11:12:12+00:00

I generally don’t see a benefit in marriage except cheaper tax but is it worth the hassle of a divorce ?

OppositeBeautiful601 · 2023-05-10T14:46:53+00:00

I'm married and I'm glad I am. I've got two kids. We've almost divorced, but we got through it. I believe my wife is a good person. Divorce wouldn't have been catastrophic for me. I live in Texas and family courts are fairer here. There is no mandatory spousal support and Texas is one of the hardest states to win alimony in. I would have had to pay child support, but most my income already goes to the family anyway. My lifestyle would not have changed that much after divorce. Hers would have (probably one of the reasons why we're still married). She doesn't make a lot o money. Regardless, my wife isn't one of those "takem to the cleaners" types. I believe we would have tried to divorce amicably and agreed on something workable for me, her and the kids.

We've had some ugly fights (verbal only), but there has been more good than bad. I trust her and it's nice to have someone to share your life with that you trust. Don't get married to someone who you don't trust. Especially if you're doing it because she's pregnant. It's better to stay single and pay child support rather than being married to someone you can't trust. If you can't trust anyone, don't get married. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, it's just that marriage isn't for you.

benscrolling · 2023-05-10T14:50:10+00:00

I was married previously. Without going into too much detail, it was toxic, and some might consider her behavior abusive. I learned a very valuable lesson: It does not matter how determined you are, how many books you've read, or how amazing of a partner you may be, marriage takes two people.

I am divorced now and will not get married again. The risk profile is considerably large and the reward profile is all but non-existent. It's okay to like someone. It's okay to date someone. But I personally draw the line at co-habitation. I will not let a woman enter my home and place expectations on me.

Get married if you want. But don't do it naively. People change. Sometimes they just show their true colors. Whatever the case, you have to know when to leave.

I went into marriage determined to make it work. I should have gone into it determined to keep it only so long as it benefits both people. Knowing what I know now, I would tell anyone I'm dating that if they'd rather be with someone else, they need to do it. I don't want to be anyone's dead weight. I want to be their best option. So promises and contracts don't work for me. At-will relationships only.

DeeLowZee · 2023-05-11T01:19:04+00:00

I actually liked being married, while it lasted. In a perfect world I'd do it again. That ain't the world we're living in. Nowadays it's far too much risk for way too little reward. Women are actually incentived with cash and prizes to leave. That's gonna be a hard pass for me. Not worth it.

No_Bridge_5920 · 2023-05-10T08:43:40+00:00

Just wish that was possible these days, but the way girls seem to behave would indicate that if your a bloke then your just invisible no matter what you do. In my 20s and I’ve never even met a guy who could find a partner let alone be treated like a human being by girls

CR9_Kraken_Fledgling · 2023-05-10T07:11:33+00:00

The divorce laws in my country are very, very rough. I'd be up for a "cultural/religious marriage", where you do the whole church, party shebang, without signing some paperwork to make the government involved in my relationship, but that's it.

There is also the issue of the economy going to shit, it does mean you have to be extra careful with signing anything that may result in losing half your personal assets down the line. Especially since living in uncertain economic times will probably put a bigger strain on your marriage.

I only see utility in "we have signed a contract" marriage if you are planning to have kids, which I'm not. In that case, since one of you (usually the woman, culturally) will stay at home for years with the kid(s), meaning their career will suffer, it makes sense to have it in writing, that the one who worked will have to "take care of" them and the kids. Then all unfairness of the system is, in my opinion, trumped by the needs of the kid(s).

Revan343 · 2023-05-10T09:36:24+00:00

Already married. There have been rough patches, but gender has nothing to do with it (alcohol does). We're working on it, and I have no intentions of breaking up.

If, god forbid, this does end in divorce, I don't plan to remarry

G_E_E_S_E · 2023-05-10T12:10:23+00:00

I’m married and it’s got much more benefit than risk for me. By statistical data, we’re at a lower risk of divorce (first marriage, parents still together, cohabitation prior to marriage, income, married after age 25, kids after marriage). Health insurance, tax rate, and legal protections are well worth the risk.

Halafax · 2023-05-11T00:47:31+00:00

Having been through the divorce industry once, I suspect marriage is no longer on the table for me. I’m not wild about this, but it is what it is. I need to consider my own financial and emotional security.

Mostly due to the impossibly tight options available. I learned from divorce that I can’t afford to marry anyone that makes less than I do, is significantly younger than me, or has any conditions that would require permanent support. Absolutely no non-adult children. Because all of those add into the sympathy equation, and the divorce laws in my current locality aren’t bound to any reasonable guidelines. Weaponized sympathy can do basically anything here.

The thing is, limiting myself to women with similar income/age/health/children by itself rules out 99% of women before I even get to my personal preferences. Which are much less flexible now than when I was young and thought I could make anything work.

I buy lottery tickets. It’s fun to think about winning and you can’t win if you don’t play. The risk is lost cash (at values that are essentially meaningless to me at this point) and the reward is basically impossible but astronomically high if I hit. Risk calculus is tricky, but this is acceptable to me. With marriage…. The risk is so high, and while the reward is good the likelihood is basically the same as the lottery odds.

terrorist_giraffe · 2023-05-10T04:09:34+00:00

I want to marry because I want a family and I (where I live, at least) a cohabiting couple is treated as legally identical to a married couple, so why not? If anything, marriage is safer because you can do it with a prenup. I think prenups are an absolute must for anybody getting married nowadays, especially blokes.

Dash83 · 2023-05-10T09:19:08+00:00

Honestly, I’m a bit sadden by this post. It has that “the opposite sex are the enemy” vibe that so many feminists weaponise against men. Women are not the enemy, fellows. It’s a moral failing to “group them all together” like so many do to us men. We need to be better than this.

hypnogogicsham · 2023-05-10T00:09:53+00:00

I'm bisexual so I'm not sure if I'll marry a woman or a man, but I'm also unsure if I want to be married.

lorarc · 2023-05-10T23:26:16+00:00

No I don't plan to.

I don't subscribe to that whole "women bad" philosophy, I think I could find a woman I'd be willing to marry, especially if there are kids involved. Marriage gives some privileges in my country like the right to inherit (I wouldn't want to leave my years long partner in a situation where my distant relatives inherit our home) or right to visit each other in hospital and make decisions in medical cases where I can't (this supposedly can be handled by a notary). And while I earn a lot compared to others (I work in IT and earn salary which would be considered high in IT industry in western countries but still live in an eastern country) I don't think anyone would be there just for my money. And I of course would insist on prenup.

The reason that I wouldn't want a marriage is because I'm self-employed contractor. And while the contracts are usually okay and my employers know better than to demand something from me (if they take me to court they loose other contractors) it's still a risk. In worst case scenario where I seriously mess something I'm responsible for all the damages and they can take everything from me. If I were married then all shared assets could be taken from us, the prenup could help but there is no guarantee it would be held up in court if I really pissed of a big corporation.

And since my concerns are mainly financial in case I have a partner and children I would probably gift some assets to children (my retirment plan right is having mutliple properties) so they are protected (and there is not tax on that gift as they are my children). If I had a long-term partner but no children I'd look into how to secure their future but I woudl have to consult a lawyer.

All in all guys, women really aren't a boogeyman. Sure, you can never know who you're getting married to, I know guys that were badly surprised after years of marriage, but it isn't all bad.

triple_skyfall · 2023-05-12T07:32:01+00:00

I'm unsure. I think the risk is too great. I've been extremely romantically unsuccessful for my entire life so the chances of me actually getting married are low.

What is honestly even the point of marriage? Isn't it essentially just a contract that makes breaking up much more difficult?

Aseradeeznuts · 2023-05-17T06:46:29+00:00

why get married?

monkey_gamer · 2023-05-10T08:16:43+00:00

dumb survey. i'm bisexual, open to relationships. i don't currently date because i find it a bit hard. if i met someone perfect i'd probably marry them. but people like that are hard to find

maybe add a choice like "interested"

detectiveinapron · 2023-05-23T19:32:25+00:00

I have doubts. Pretty sure men still have hopes of getting married, theyre just seeking out the right woman.

And similarly, pretty sure most bi guys end up with a woman long-terms but have history of dating men seriously or casually.

This isn't a anti-marriage post but I feel like the manosphere keep advertising their actual wants and need wrong.

Just because men haven't been able to trust women doesn't mean most men aren't desiring something normal like before. Rejecting and repressing that wants can very well be extremely unhealthy.

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