84% of working women told ForbesWoman and TheBump that staying home to raise children is a financial luxury they aspire to. More than one in three resent their partner for not earning enough to make that dream a reality.

SteelCrossx · 2012-09-23T12:45:03+00:00

“I think what we’re seeing here is a backlash over the pressure we’ve seen for women to perform, perform, perform both at work and at home,” says Leslie Morgan-Steiner

As a result, being a stay-at-home parent is seen as a pressure release. One that is not generally available to men. If we're going to look at this article from a Men's Rights standpoint, that's how I'm going to approach it.

No matter how hard we try or who we marry, having kids while simultaneously [trying] to achieve career success sucks.

Agreed. No matter your gender or sex, either.

“When you’re at work, you’re not giving enough time to the kids, when you’re at home, you’re not giving 100% to the office. Something’s got to give.”

This is the essence of the father's struggle in 'traditional' sitcoms where the father isn't a complete idiot, I'd say. I find it interesting that this article packaged it as a woman's issue, esentially. While I'm sure a woman that neglects her family faces more pressure from the general public, a man that neglects his family is often shown as facing a lot of pressure from his wife. Being a man that doesn't contribute around the house is less and less acceptable (due to equality and an inclusive workforce) but being a man that doesn't earn enough or wants to stay at home is not becoming any more acceptable; that is the impression this article gives with their bolded statistics, at least.

Of that group only 66% say the ability to stop working to raise children is a financial luxury for their families, and it shows: nearly 80% told us they spend less than $100 on themselves each month. A more concerning stat than the fact that eight out of 10 women barely spend enough to cover a trip to the salon every month? That money’s still an issue: 44% of stay at home mothers say their partners make them feel as if they are not pulling their financial weight.

This is the most interesting, I think. To this author, the most concerning fact is that women who decide not to work are provided with so little money and their partners express their concern, in a non-specified way, that their lack of work is part of the cause. This really is one to reverse the sexes on.

"A more concerning stat than the fact that eight out of 10 men barely spend enough to cover a trip to the salon every month? That money’s still an issue: 44% of stay at home fathers say their partners make them feel as if they are not pulling their financial weight."

I left the salon as is because it feels so absurd to suggest that, with only $100 a month in spending money, a stay-at-home parent will go spend that entire amount on something so vain and frivalous. Just as absurd, the idea that a man could be a SAHD when the home has so little money and then find the courage to be upset at being made to feel like they weren't pulling their weight. It is still entirely expected that a man be the wage-earner and this article not-so-subtly reinforced that and, by doing so, gender expectations.

SSJAmes · 2012-09-23T17:39:19+00:00

When I got married thirteen years ago, my wife wanted to be a stay at home wife. We had no kids. Her job was to feed me, and clean the house. She sucked at both. I was literally working up to 12 hours a day, and going to school another 4. She would sleep until 10 (wouldn't even bother to wake up to make me coffee) then head to her grandmas house for breakfast. There she'd spend all day playing until 10 minutes before I got home when she'd make me a hot dog for dinner before I'd go to classes. The house was a mess, and having grown up in a clean home, that was frustrating. Anytime I mentioned it, I was the bad man comparing her to her mother.

The straw that broke the camels back was a year into our marriage. We were refining our home, and she had been promising to clean it for a week ahead of the appraisal. Under suspicion, the day of the appraisal I left work early in the morning to be certain it was getting done. I drove past her grandmothers house and her car was there. I went to our house, and cleaned EVERYTHING. Spent all day on it. Left a note in the kitchen that said, "Get a job."

She was much happier working, and I hired house cleaners and a gardener. Fast forward 6 years, and she's closing in on 30. We'd discussed having kids, but she wasn't getting pregnant. One day she came home and announced she's "retiring". Convenient for her, but I was not going to tolerate any laziness. Then, surprisingly, a month later we conceived. She was then a SAHM for the next 6 years through the birth of two children. She's never been a fantastic housekeeper, although she is much better than when we first got married. She is however, a great mom.

The thing is though, SAHM's always want you to believe their job is a lot harder than it actually is. I've done the bit. Given her a day off. It's just not that hard to clean the house, do the laundry, read to the kids, feed them, bathe them, and perform all the mundane chores there are. I don't resent her luxury. I'm happy that my kids have a mom at home.

If you're a SAHM (or SAHD), thank your spouse. They've given you a lot. I miss my kids while I'm slaving away. The financial burdens fall squarely on me. Life for the providers isn't as easy.

2012-09-23T17:15:56+00:00

Stay at home dad here.

I don't know what women were thinking. This is awesome.

oneiorosgrip · 2012-09-23T11:58:06+00:00

This is where we are after decades of demand for "equality?"
Not to condemn families in which that choice is mutual... but really? This is what little girls want to be now when they grow up? O.o
Whatever happened to having the right to a career, being taken seriously in the working world... did those go out the window?

I am confused now.

2012-09-23T12:49:06+00:00

My wife is at home looking after our baby daughter for a year on maternity leave and we are very thankful we are in the situation to do so. She is starting to get very bored and is hanging to get back to work.

This shit isn't representative of all women obviously, but yes, 'resenting' husbands for not earning enough is pure rage inducing.

atypicalgamergirl · 2012-09-23T12:42:19+00:00

Honestly, I would have to know more about what 'stay at home mom' means to people. Do they mean 'I don't want to work' or do they mean 'I want the household/children to be my work'?

One is a luxury, the other is really hard work.

There is a huge difference. I know mothers now who are 'stay at home' moms who hire nannies and housekeepers to keep the house while they go out and do whatever with their free time and I know 'stay at home' moms like my grandmother who put 40 - 50 hours plus per week into top-to-bottom deep cleaning of every room in the house, laundry, keeping a functional garden in addition to a decorative one, kept and maintained chickens for eggs and to eat, did all the grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking and so on - all while watching/feeding/maintaining her youngest child (my aunt) plus me and my brother (up until kindergarten).

'Free time' was the weekend, and even that wasn't exactly a lot of 'fun' free time. She still had kids (five were school age, one was not yet in kindergarten, and then there were two grandchildren).

I don't know of many women these days who would see what my grandmother did as a luxury. I'd love to be a stay at home mother like my grandmother was. I like the idea of hard work put toward my home, working the land, raising and harvesting food - all that 'salt of the earth' stuff.

As for the other kind? The 'hiring help while you do literally nothing' kind? I have to admit that is more of what I got from the article in terms of 'aspiring to'.

Sacrosanction · 2012-09-23T12:18:37+00:00

I'm going to just put this out there.

84% might be what the study gathered, but I dont think I know any women who aspire to that. I think a certain demographic is being represented here, but I doubt it is close to the standard to all women.

Anecdotal I know, but looking at the sheer amount of women in dedicated careers, I'm not sure this statistic represents the gender's true standpoint.

Revoran · 2012-09-23T12:31:46+00:00

more than one in three resent their partner for earning enough to make that dream a reality

In today's economy? Get your head out of your ass little girls.

Also how was this poll sampled? It doesn't sound very scientific.

CptSeaCow · 2012-09-23T17:34:59+00:00

I am a partner that made enough so my Wife could not only stay home with the children, but also to attend a 4 year university and get a BA degree. When we finally decided to go our separate ways, the state, and my ex decided that I should continue to pay her for the rest of my life. If on the other hand, I had made less money and she whould have had to go to work. She would have gotten nothing. And she would have been entitled to nothing.

2012-09-23T18:21:03+00:00

Well I hope women are okay with men wanting to be stay at home dads too. Hell I hope men "resent" their women for not making that a reality as well.

There is an old saying "be careful what you ask for . . ."

Sorry ladies no givesies backsies. You wanted it you got it.

2012-09-23T18:58:09+00:00

I wouldn't mind being a house husband.

TheDongerNeedsFood · 2012-09-23T18:46:58+00:00

Hmmm, so its ok for them to resent us when we don't make enough money to allow them to be a 100% stay-at-home-mom, then it must be ok for us to resent them when they aren't constantly dieting and spending 2-3 hours a day exercising in order to maintain the body they had when they were in their 20s.

JesseJaymz · 2012-09-23T21:14:18+00:00

But, but, but, it's "the hardest job on the planet" why would they all want to do this?

Pernicious77 · 2012-09-23T15:08:50+00:00

“Over the past three to five years we’ve seen highly educated women—who we’d imagine would be the most ambitious—who are going through med school, getting PhDs with the end-goal in mind of being at home with their kids by age 30.”

So they spend eight years going to med school, and then starting work, and retiring at 30 to have children. Why is this not seen as completely retarded.

C0CKPUNCHER · 2012-09-23T13:04:33+00:00

Meaningless drivel. Women want this, woman want that, men do this, men do that - it's all made up. Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia. Politics is always nothing but changing the window dressing. The media now sells the propaganda it should expose.

fwekeeto · 2012-09-23T19:03:54+00:00

I don't see what's so wrong about wanting to be a stay-at-home-parent. Either sex should have the right to want that. So some people want to have a career. Some want to just raise the kids, stay at home. I don't think it's a big deal. Different people want different things.

2012-09-23T17:21:05+00:00

[permanently deleted]

springy · 2012-09-23T14:10:18+00:00

Women who stay in work complain that their husband isn't earning enough, and those who stay at home complain they gave up their career for their husband. In other words, women are never happy, and they always blame a man for it.

Electroverted · 2012-09-23T16:06:46+00:00

That's like asking all dads if they wished their sons were more athletic or daughters would wait to have sex after marriage. Of course they'll say yes. I wouldn't take it too personal.

2012-09-23T18:46:08+00:00

I find it interesting that these women admit to resenting their partners for not making enough money to make their dream a reality. I bet that if you ask these women whether they consider themselves to be strong and independent women who can look after themselves, most if not all would say yes. But here they admit to dependence, and also to a sense of entitlement that surely must be at odds with their desire to be independent and strong.

At any rate, as a woman who has been a stay-home mom for almost my entire marriage (we basically had a honeymoon baby), I don't understand the idea that women see it as a "financial luxury". It actually doesn't require more money to be able to stay home with your kids. You wind up saving money. You don't have to own two vehicles and pay for insurance, repairs, and gas - well, unless you live out in the country. You don't need a work wardrobe. You don't have to pay for daycare. You can save money on your grocery bill because you will have more time to cook from scratch. If your idea of being a stay-home mom is one part actual mothering and four parts self-indulgence, then yeah, I guess you would see it as a financial luxury.

From the article:

Interestingly enough, most stay at home moms polled were not so quick to describe their “at-home” status as a dream. Of that group only 66% say the ability to stop working to raise children is a financial luxury for their families, and it shows: nearly 80% told us they spend less than $100 on themselves each month.

...and that's, what, unreasonable? How much crap does one person need each month? Really need, and not just want? Yeah, spending that kind of money on oneself per month IS a luxury and not a necessity.

A more concerning stat than the fact that eight out of 10 women barely spend enough to cover a trip to the salon every month?

Why is that "concerning"? If they are able to feed and clothe their families, pay their bills, and have their actual needs met, then they are living well on one income. Extras are just that - extras. What is a better measure is how well the family's needs are being met. Monthly salon trips aren't a need. They're a want.

Would they be better off in the workforce? It’s possible; roughly 20% feel they’d be happier if they worked outside the home.

Anyone who's had to care for small children day in and day out knows why, too - because it can be frustrating and exhausting. You won't have the same stressors at the office that you have at home. I wonder why they laid out this statistic like it's a bad thing, though - only 20% said they would be happier at the office, compared to the 80% who were happier at home.

vessol · 2012-09-24T02:55:13+00:00

I always thought that a nice medium of two partners working part-time and contributing to house and child care would be the most ideal situation. I know that in the future with my partner that it would be a very strong requirement for either I or her or both of us to be stay at home parents most of the time. Especially when it comes to schooling.

Liberhat · 2012-09-23T15:46:45+00:00

"Who gives a stuff what women want?" That is the attitude today's men need to adopt. Don't you see? Traditional vs stay-at-home, career women vs have-it-all, earn her own money vs rely on hubby's income. It's all about WOMEN. Not what you lot want, which doesn't even figure. And while we bend over backwards to ensure we don't get labelled "misogynist", White House policy chiefs are busy taking note of What Women Want.

All of these discussions leave out one crucial factor - men. It's about time all of you with wives, girlfriends, "partners" (huh) and significant others started reminding them you have opinions too, and if they don't start listening to you it's time to start calling them out on their sexism.

cultofmetatron · 2012-09-23T16:35:31+00:00

Aka: women realize they had it good and fucked up

2012-09-23T13:42:24+00:00

reality blues.

2012-09-23T16:07:38+00:00

People outside LA, SF, NYC, CHI & DC have no clue what this is about because it's still affordable to live in most of the USA.

2012-09-23T17:44:02+00:00

I'm lucky (well, good, really) enough to make enough to own my own home and live on my own, but supporting a wife and child is not an option at this point.

But not only do I have a two in three chance of getting divorced, I now also have a one in three chance of getting resented?

Marriage sounds like a sound bet to me!

americangoyblogger · 2012-09-24T06:14:25+00:00

BIOLOGY and GENES say HELLO.

News at 11.

2012-09-24T07:33:37+00:00

84% of working women want to be stay at home mom's? Ouch =( I don't get how you can study for so much and work so hard to just to throw it away mid-career cuz your husband is earning enough money. Maybe I'll get it when I have a kid?

IndyDude11 · 2012-09-24T13:26:00+00:00

Funny. I was just having this conversation with my wife the other day. I am lucky enough to be one of those guys married to the 1 in 3 who resent their husband for not making enough for her to stay at home.

I have to stay at home with the kids in the mornings, AND go to work a job at night. Still not enough for her.

She sucks.

kazagistar · 2012-09-23T14:30:30+00:00

Wow ... so women before the 70s were so "oppressed" that women today aspire to be in the same position ... what evul horrible sexist bastards are we men for giving those women such a hard luck life of staying at home and being a mom ... the righteous feminists had come along and rescue women by liberating them and shoving them into the workforce ...

kazagistar · 2012-09-23T15:45:36+00:00

I get it. Women still feel pressure to play homemaker, only they also have to work. That is where the resentment comes from.

Unfortunately not until the attitudes change about stay at home dads, and dad being in charge of cooking, cleaning, and other "woman's work" will things be equal between father and mother.

Boss_Monkey · 2012-09-23T12:35:19+00:00

You've come a long way baby!

2012-09-23T12:08:49+00:00

The more things change.....

osufan765 · 2012-09-23T14:38:51+00:00

I want to sit around and watch price is right every day too.

OuiCrudites · 2012-09-23T14:38:09+00:00

Too fucking bad, ladies. Your hate cult threw that all out the window years ago.

bexpert · 2012-09-23T18:01:07+00:00

Ha, feminism really is a joke.

2012-09-23T16:17:57+00:00

This is the way it use to be. What did women's rights accomplish? Instead of the average household being able to sustain on the income of one person, now it takes the income of both. They did it to themselves!

rykocolor · 2012-09-23T17:42:37+00:00

Is it wrong that I see this and go...fuck yea...more job opportunities higher in the corporate ladder for me!?

2012-09-23T18:17:39+00:00

I don't mind if both partners mutually agree for the mom to stay home while the dad works, but it's a desire I can't comprehend. I would go insane if I had to stay home all day.

Women who resent their husbands for not making more money disgust me. My husband works just as hard as I do, I just happen to make more money because of the field I'm in. I don't hold it against him. We've even discussed the possibility of him being a SAHD if he wants.

Crayshack · 2012-09-23T18:44:46+00:00

Well, to be fair, it's a financial luxury I aspire to as well. It's the one's who resent their partner for not earning enough that I'm worried about.

2012-09-23T22:07:03+00:00

And how many of those women want the politicians that make it increasingly impossible for that to happen?

vegibowl · 2012-09-24T00:31:56+00:00

I read just enough of this to raise my blood pressure and stopped.

The vast majority of single-income families with a SAHP are making a huge financial sacrifice, not enjoying a fantastic luxury.

When my husband and I were DINKs we enjoyed luxurious vacations, deep-sea fishing boats & gear, premium cable with all the fancy channels, etc.

Now we have two kids and I stay home. We only drive cars that we can afford to own outright. We had basic cable for a while but I just cut the cord yesterday (props to /r/CordCutters). We buy mostly store-brand groceries.

I have many SAHP friends. A few are wealthy, but most struggle to make ends meet. It's a sacrifice we make because we believe our children are the most important investment of all.

Parents who "aspire to the financial luxury" of being able to stay home with the kids are missing the entire point.

MyPublicFace · 2012-09-24T04:23:06+00:00

Well women got the right to work (rightfully so) and our Capitalist system reduced it to the lowest common denominator and now women generally must work in order to support a middle class family. Women should be upset about it, but their anger is misguided against their husbands, who now stand side by side with them in the same dilemma of having to send the kids to daycare and not get the proper nurturing at home. Women need to stop blaming this reality on their husbands and recognize that it's the Capitalist reality that has maximized the efficiency out of the American household, squeezing the children, the women, and the men. It would be far easier to work together than to be blamed or labeled as inadequate by your "partner".

SainTheGoo · 2012-09-23T15:04:06+00:00

Resent is a very hard word, but I'd want my partner to make enough money so I could stay home too.

truthman2000 · 2012-09-24T00:43:18+00:00

NAWALT!!

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