Going for a man you think is below you, only to have it backfire. Has anyone else dealt with this?

bioqueen53 · 2021-12-28T22:35:39+00:00

If you're out of someone's league they're more likely to mate guard.

Mate guarding behavior is often abuse.

They're going to tell you to stop wearing makeup, tell you to dress down, sabotage your career, control who you see

All because they know deep down that you will wake up and leave.

You would think they would step up their game. But it's like a race to the bottom to get worse and worse and see how much you will tolerate and how much they will drag you down.

It's tragic.

ErikaNaumann · 2021-12-29T01:32:59+00:00

Tall, athletic and handsome ex boyfriend: Never cheated on me. We split on good terms, and we are still amicable today.

Shorter, fat, average looking ex boyfriend: cheated on me multiple times. Tried to commit financial fraud. We split badly. Stalked me for over 3 years.

Take whatever conclusions you want.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-12-28T17:54:58+00:00

No but LADIES this is so true and I have so many examples.

My ex husband - I was his first girlfriend and gave him a chance even though I knew we weren’t compatible in so many ways. I taught him simple things like how to dress nicely and make better career choices. Then HE left ME because he suddenly thought he’d become super desirable to women and could get someone better. This is why we don’t fix men.
Random men on online dating - my therapist convinced me to cast a wider net. Almost without exception these men were so insecure, and same result - an insecure man always thinks that whoever gives him the chance isnt good enough and will always look for someone “better.”

NotNowJustMeow · 2021-12-28T17:07:33+00:00

I would like to add my own submission statement; I used to do this. I would go for someone I thought was...I guess you could say "below" me, with the idea that this person will treat me like the queen I am, as I am far out of his league (in my mind). They usually either a) still treat me like crap, or what this woman has described also b) they gain an overinflated ego, and think they can bag any girl, and attempt to do so, while with me. I haven't been romantically involved with anyone in over a year, I just know this is a big flaw of mine, so I'd like to hear some other ladies opinions on it. Thanks!

FI-REfox · 2021-12-29T02:21:19+00:00

I've dated "average to below" guys who cheated, and those who didn't cheat. I've dated "above average" guys who cheated, and those who didn't cheat.

The only common denominator I've ever noticed between cheaters and non-cheaters is insecurity. Yes, it might be about his looks or career or how much money he makes, these are very obvious and on display so they get a lot of attention. But it could also be because he prides himself on being a foodie but you are a professional chef. He loves hiking on the weekends and you have literally scaled mountains. It makes him feel bad about himself that you outclass him in some way that he hinges his personal worth upon. And instead of being proud and supporting you, he focuses only on himself and how he feels. Whether he acts on that by verbally or physically abusing you, or emotionally abusing you by cheating, the intention is to punish you and drag you down to his level in some way.

It doesn't matter what you do, his insecurity will always be there unless he does something about why he feels this way (spoiler alert: therapy!).

So, honestly, you are not doing him a favour by dating him. You are a constant reminder to him of how he doesn't measure up to his own expectations in some way. For both of your sakes, just pass on this one.

Kimpractical · 2021-12-28T19:12:45+00:00

So accurate. I’ve actually dated a few ugly guys. My first boyfriend was the ugliest. He was so afraid of losing me that he became controlling and possessive. When I finally left he completely lost it and stalked me for years after. I thought he was going to kill me. I should never have to deal with any of that, but if I do, he better be hot as fuck

overit_af · 2021-12-28T17:44:32+00:00

Happened exactly to me. I spent many years with an overt narcissist and he was quite good looking and successful—I’d say we were “in the same league”. The relationship was awful as expected and so when we divorced I seriously believed if I lowered my standards super low and just “gave a nice guy a chance” he would treat me amazingly. Well, I did exactly that. I was so far out of his league he asked me “are you in a fog? Why are you with me?” He was unhealthy, had multiple addictions, no long term relationship at 40, zero sense of hygiene, not much education and I made more money than him. 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

I thought I was safe with him. 😭🤣 But all it did was overinflate his ego, just as OP mentioned… and he started trying even harder to “bag hot women” and cheated constantly anytime he got an opportunity. He would flaunt me to his work buddies but hide me in other areas of his life. Turns out he was the opposite of my overt narc husband, he was covert.

brylm92 · 2021-12-28T21:30:00+00:00

❌ My hot boyfriends didn't cheat

✔️ The ugly one did

oneheadlight312 · 2021-12-28T19:26:01+00:00

Every. Single. Time.

bleda_princezna · 2021-12-28T23:29:46+00:00

Yup, dated down. It backfired, badly. I couldn't take the abuse anymore and left, he was on a dating site within a week. Gross.

I recently found out he's still there. Noone seems to be in a charitable mood anymore I guess, lol.

I got over him fast, but not so much over the feelings of foolishness for giving him a chance and then taking abuse and being manipulated for months. I still feel like an idiot and don't plan to date anytime soon. Unless I somehow bump into prince charming during my day to day activities (yeah, right).

I've only recently started to get back into hobbies I lost interest in when I was with him, because I felt like shit all the time, I'm rediscovering my old passions and it feels so nice! But I still have some self esteem issues to figure out and I think I'd still be somewhat prone to dating down. Not as much as before (thank you FDS!), but I think I'd still have some trouble with this and I lost the desire to date almost completely anyway. It just feels like too much of a hassle with a very low potential for reward. Plenty of better things to invest time in.

Devils_Tango · 2021-12-28T18:32:21+00:00

Sometimes they don’t get an inflated ego and still ruin the relationship with their insecurities, pushing you away because they know you’re too good for them.

firefliesnstarlights · 2021-12-28T17:42:22+00:00

Yes and never again. I've dated several guys below me and they themselves have told me I'm out of their league. I've found you end up with 2 types of relationship.

Type 1: they uber aware of the difference between you two and therefore never actually emotionally attach. They see you as a prize, a doll, not a human.

Type 2: they get an ego. Go from appreciative and eager to "I can do better". All the sudden you're "high maintenance".

Personally I will never date a guy below me again and if another guy ever tells me I'm out of his league, I'm running.

AmethystAngel86 · 2021-12-29T00:47:58+00:00

This is the story of my life. All of the men I’ve dated have been less attractive than me. Most have been poorer and less educated. I scraped the barrel and dated a nerdy coffee barrista and he was the worst boyfriend I ever had - narcissistic and controlling. I’ve learnt my lesson and I would rather be alone with cats than deal with another no value male.

CyanideCandiies · 2021-12-28T20:01:13+00:00

My last ex. I was an idiot that went for the first guy who was nice to me. But then being with me, it inflated his ego because I am genuinely a hvw. Because of that, he started being disrespectful and it snowballed into him cheating on me with multiple women. I will never consider dating anyone who isn’t my absolute equal ever again.

WhysheLychee · 2021-12-28T21:04:45+00:00

I learned this as a teenager, dated a guy I was not attracted to, only for him to complain about not getting a blow job on the second date. I decided then and there, it's NEVER worth it to date ugly dudes if they ALSO pull this shit.

Reasonable-Slice-827 · 2021-12-28T23:05:31+00:00

They will always drag you to hell(where the bar is for men).

Guyincognito9876 · 2021-12-29T12:14:49+00:00

This has 100% been my experience. There is no point whatsoever in dating down.

Owl-right · 2021-12-28T23:05:43+00:00

This happened to my mum (so glad I inherited most of her genes!) and myself also. My last 3 partners she specifically told me were not much to look at but they adored me so she was okay with it. Lo and behold two of them turned out to be cheaters. I will only date men in my league now. I know the idea of leagues is antiquated in most cases but I take care of my looks and body and I've only just realised how important it is for your partner to do the same. It's a testament not to narcissism but that the person cares how they present to other people.

ho-chet · 2021-12-28T17:50:28+00:00

Can confirm--this is something I've done in the past, and it never ends well. I was well out of the league of the last guy I dated (I was objectively more attractive than him, more educated, and in a far more lucrative profession), and yet he still treated me like shit. Never making that mistake again.

furrtheladies · 2021-12-28T18:09:21+00:00

Cue negging, unwarranted insults, projection of his insecurities, and overall disrespect for your personhood

Skater_Babe_917 · 2021-12-28T18:18:22+00:00

Short, ugly, mean, racist, uses women, High conflict personality, dismissive avoidant and possibly narcissistic to name a few. Yeah, he was lucky I was a giant pickme!

Xenobia95 · 2021-12-29T02:17:23+00:00

If you wallow in poop you get pooped on, I used to date ugly guys but they think their poo don't stink and it's a smorgasbord of male entitlement.

Dump them don't waste a nanosecond on a dumbass, even rinsing them isn't worth it.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-12-28T19:47:18+00:00

I have never gone for someone I think is below me. That, to me, feels like an a**hole move. It’s like a pity date. I’d feel insulted if someone did this to me.

Purple-Try8602 · 2021-12-28T23:07:35+00:00

YES. It seems like oh he won’t leave me/cheat and he will treat me well because he knowwws how lucky he is.

No. You’re building up a loser who will then think you’re stupid because he knows he’s a loser and quietly wonders why the fk youre letting his grubby mitts touch you. These ones spend the first hookups mind blown we are not repulsed by their penises.

& they then treat us like the fools we are while bolstered to seek the next one of us.

Xenobia95 · 2021-12-29T02:18:56+00:00

They think their entitled to miss world when miss legoworld would dump their useless lumpy ass.

Comments