Why is ghosting so maligned?

januaryphilosopher · 2022-01-06T22:45:12+00:00

It's polite to at least tell people you don't want to talk to them any more so they're not spending the next couple of days frustratedly waiting for communication.

HOLYREGIME · 2022-01-06T22:46:15+00:00

There’s no weird grey area, no room for misinterpretations, or any awkward conversations.

Id argue ghosting leads to those grey areas and misinterpretations. If someone flat out rejected you then you have your answer. Sometimes ghosting could mean the person is interested, but busy. They simply didn’t have time or could entertaining other options. There are a number of possibilities. You take ghosting to mean an automatic no, but life happens and sometimes early in the dating phase you’re just not the number one priority.

Thescruffybeard · 2022-01-06T22:32:42+00:00

I consider it disrespectful and inconsiderate. If you don't want to go out with me just say it. I'm an adult and can take it.

2022-01-06T22:34:02+00:00

If it was that black and white, sure. It's two things, the amount of times (before I met my current girl it was about a rate of 2 dates a month would ghost me) starts to feel like a death by a thousand cuts situation.

The second is some women think ghosting is playing hard to get and expect you to text everyday until they get back to you. I'm not that pathetic and don't do that so sometimes you'll get "You gave up easy. bye" as a random text or something.

I'd prefer just a short message of "I find you unattractive and never want to see you again" over ghosting.

Urbantexasguy · 2022-01-07T00:40:58+00:00

People want feedback. If a woman decides not to move forward with me, I’d like to know why.

Without feedback, you can only guess at what you’re doing wrong, or what it is about you, that turned the person off.

Vtridolla · 2022-01-06T22:53:29+00:00

It’s a tad disrespectful and shows cowardice. I really don’t mind it thought as no answer is an answer. It’s really just a lack of respect. Which is whatever.

GroundbreakingTwo122 · 2022-01-06T23:27:49+00:00

It’s bloody rude simple as. you also cause trust issues which leads to women or men going to FDS or Red pill. those guys over there aren't there for no reason.

2022-01-06T23:12:40+00:00

I think it's polite to just give a simple "I'm not feeling it, all the best". If the other person tries to keep talking then it's fair to just go silent/block.

SupermarketFun21 · 2022-01-06T23:44:30+00:00

There definitely is gray area when it comes to ghosting. How long after your text goes unanswered does it officially become a rejection? 3 hours? 6 hours? 1 whole day? It's so much cleaner to just read a polite rejection, and have your definitive answer right at that moment.

I'd argue there's room for misinterpretation too, since text messages don't reliably go through 100% of the time. An SMS error isn't the most likely explanation, but it happens, and if a promising lead ignores your text, that thought may be lingering in your head.

Ignoring someone is just rude and draws out the anxiety inherent in dating. If you actually care about something, you want an answer. This is obvious when we look at things that are considered more important; nobody wants surgeons to ghost a patient's loved ones if the patient dies on the table. It's simply less tense of a situation to know you'll receive an answer than to worry about your lack of one. If you feel differently when it comes to dating, I can only imagine it's because you're not at all into the people you're seeing.

mackenzie013_02 · 2022-01-06T23:01:09+00:00

Eh depends on the situation.

No text after a first date = fine. Suddenly disappearing after been dating for months = not fine because WTF, did you die, were you kidnapped, do I need to call the police?

iamthemovie1992 · 2022-01-07T03:05:17+00:00

I’d rather them just be straight up in that their not feeling it. I also don’t need the “you’re a great guy, but” wall of text. Just say “it’s not working for me” and be done with it. Be an adult and be straight up, idk why that’s hard

Kartonlauge · 2022-01-07T04:44:58+00:00

Because it isnt honest but rather lazy.

If you don't like someone you at least could send them a pre-written message. However if you ghost someone it only shows that you are too immature to stand in for your actions/to be honest to the other person.

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-01-06T22:57:24+00:00

I agree. I am a fan of it for like dates you only went on once.

I have heard stories of people being together for months and then someone ghosting and that’s really strange to me.

livs4dietdrpepper · 2022-01-06T23:55:20+00:00

I agree with you in theory, and yet I find myself yearning for “answers” anyway

Idk something about the unknown allows my brain to wonder into territory I’d rather not go.

I’d prefer someone to say, I can’t date I’m just too busy with work, or something, even if it’s a lie.

I can’t even explain why cause I’m always conscious it’s probably not the truth

I don’t know it’s really one thing I don’t understand about myself

GridReXX · 2022-01-07T00:33:01+00:00

I actually agree with you. If it’s only been the first date or meeting. I don’t care if we teeter off without some big explanation.

I’ve heard of people being ghosted after five months of dating and that’s wild asf. I don’t support that. That’s cruel.

hulk_hogans_nutsweat · 2022-01-07T01:53:11+00:00

Because it’s spread into other areas of life.

It’s one thing to get ghosted by someone you’ve been on one date (or even a few dates) with. It’s another when people who you thought were your friends do it to you. People are so afraid of confrontation that they’ll even ghost their friends without at least trying to work things out. What’s even worse is that people will say that nobody owes you an explanation, which is bullshit.

If you’re in a relationship with someone - whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship - you do owe them an explanation if you want to cut things off. I realize that sometimes things just fade away, but when you go from communicating frequently to completely ignoring texts or calls, you’re being an asshole.

peteypete78 · 2022-01-06T22:33:42+00:00

I think it depends on the context, the situation you gave is pretty clear but sometimes you are left wondering wtf was it?

I was ghosted recently after she asked me how long I had been single? No idea why the answer made her ghost.

edwardpuppyhands · 2022-01-06T23:28:29+00:00

I would say it's bad if you have to regularly run into the person, and really bad if you're in a close relationship with them. It's usually okay if you basically just met, especially if alcohol was involved.

{Edit} I would suggest to women that if you're a feminist who wants men to broadly treat women better, you should give a polite rebuff in the good majority of instances. Women ghost more, but men do it too, so to a lesser extent the same goes for men the other way around.

cabbageprimate · 2022-01-07T04:53:20+00:00

For me it's because different people have different habits with responding, and with new people I don't know theirs. I get that no response is a response, but I would rather hear some form of "no" so I can know faster.

I can be an awful texter, so I guess I give people the benefit of the doubt. And I know people say they're bad texters as an excuse, but I really am. I don't spend a lot of time on my phone and I don't always think of responses to texts right away, so I end up forgetting about some of them for a day or two, especially with people I just met. But maybe I'm weird.

TheTrueAltruist · 2022-01-07T05:12:28+00:00

I see it as cowardice when using it to break up because they were too scared to put words to their actions. However, I'm fond of it when the actions are clearly stated as well as the reasons why. Used the first way is childish, the second seems more reasonable.

manfrom-nantucket · 2022-01-07T14:19:53+00:00

Closure is overrated. Unless it's JavaScript, then it is underrated.

Ryanmp99 · 2022-01-07T14:48:32+00:00

Nah, there is this thing called human respect that way too many people don’t possess. If it’s 1 or 2 dates it doesn’t need to be some big thing but at least politely tell them you’re not interested.

Shredddz · 2022-01-06T22:35:56+00:00

Its about the lack of respect.

xDankHorse · 2022-01-07T00:12:48+00:00

As much as it sucks being ghosted, at least you know that she's not interested and you're no longer wasting your time. Ghosting or being left on read is just an indirect way of saying they're not interested, or no longer interested. I mean do you really want a girl saying to your face, I don't like you because you're ugly and fat? Probably not. So a soft rejection saves us from knowing the real truth about why we're rejected and many times, it's best we don't know.

Also in my opinion, getting ghosted is much better than being led on for months, hoping you'll eventually win her over, only to find out that she only saw you as a friend the whole time. Or even worse, she actually uses you for her own personal gain.

razormachine · 2022-01-07T00:17:24+00:00

I think ghosting is fine.

She will eventually figure out that she is being ghosted and explain to kids that daddy doesn't love them anymore.

LiftSushiDallas · 2022-01-07T00:34:21+00:00

I prefer ghosting too and I've gotten so much anger at saying this. If a guy isn't into me in the early stages I'm cool with him disappearing. I have abundance mentality so I won't be devastated, and why he isn't into me is actually none of my business.

Likewise if it's on my end with non-interest and it's early stage, I don't feel obligated to send a message explaining I don't want to see him again.

That__EST · 2022-01-07T01:46:52+00:00

I do not at all care about being ghosted. I agree with you that it wouldn't help my feelings one bit. The fact of the matter is that they don't want to talk to me anymore and simply not responding back will let me know this. For everyone saying it would be disrespectful to ghost after one date....I see those people as people who want to push the goalposts back of what needs to be done to end the relationship to artificially lengthen the relationship. Face it: They're just not into you.

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thetruthishere_ · 2022-01-06T23:25:12+00:00

No answer is the answer for me personally.

I will say Ive tried the tell a man and Ive received backlash and name calling 9/10 times.

Back in my day we called it 'getting blown off'. LOL

I also add, I dont feel ghosted with someone I may have chatted with online or went on a date. True ghosting to me is when you have been actually dating and they vanish. Thats harsh.

wtknight · 2022-01-07T01:01:26+00:00

I don't think that it's as much the lack of closure from ghosting, because ghosting is a form of closure, as you suggest. It's more not getting the input from someone about how one screwed up so that one can improve in the future so the same result doesn't keep happening, I think. That's how I see it, anyway.

Unlikely_Trip_262 · 2022-01-07T02:18:40+00:00

I would rather get a brutal 500 word essay on why I turned them off than getting ghosted. But that’s just me.

throwaway042994 · 2022-01-07T04:28:54+00:00

I agree, BUT

It's from a mismatch of expectations. One party thinks things are are / were going great and the other just suddenly stops interacting.

AshiusXX · 2022-01-07T05:00:42+00:00

Because texting is seen as an extension of a real-life conversation. If someone talked to you directly in real life, you wouldn't really ignore them like that. So, hence, it is seen as a negative. But, I think it is fine people you just met.

Zcuzz · 2022-01-07T05:32:37+00:00

Knowing why is a big deal to a lot of people. Some people need closure.

caption291 · 2022-01-07T05:46:51+00:00

Telling someone directly shows that you were legitimately giving them a chance and aren't just dropping them at the smallest hint of an imperfection. It shows that because there's a personal cost associated with it even if it's pretty small*.

It's a sign that the person is participating in the whole dating game in good faith and that they actually see you as a human being.

jasonology09 · 2022-01-07T06:44:00+00:00

It's complete disrespect. Consider this: Let's say you and I know each other, maybe not super well but enough that we've exchanged personal contact information. Then let's say we're both walking down the street in opposite directions and you stop in front of me and say hello or whatever, and I just looked at you, didn't respond or even speak, and then just kept walking without so much as a nod or a wave. I just acted like you weren't there. You would think I was an asshole to treat you like that. And you'd be right.

That's what ghosting is. It's acting like somebody you know doesn't exist. That them communicating with you is so beneath your attention that you don't even acknowledge it happened. Very few people would do that to another human being face to face, but somehow, we've gotten to a place in society where since you're not in the same room with someone, it's okay. To me, and others who value being nice, and treating others with respect, it definitely is not. But hey, you do you.

TangeloEquivalent890 · 2022-01-07T06:45:58+00:00

it's very cowardly

FrostieTheSnowman · 2022-01-07T06:52:48+00:00

I think that ghosting is shitty, unless the ghostee in question is a threat to the ghoster. Most people are just normal human beings, and we all have blind-spots for our own behaviors. Every bad date is a teachable experience, but sometimes the lesson gets lost because the other person is too much of a coward to... what... tell the truth? How is someone to improve themself when they don't know what they did wrong? It's the uncertainty that fucks with you.

As an over-thinker, I'll tell you that ghosting is one of the primary reasons this over-thinker barely dates. Every time it happens, even though I'm regularly a fairly confident dude, I start second-guessing what I'm wearing, how I look, did my breath smell bad, did I forget deodorant, was talking about the death of my grandma at dinner doing to much, etc. It's even worse because I always try to give people the benefit of a doubt, and so it's a very slow, 3-or-4 day process of me absently checking my phone and disappointing myself over and over until I can finally confirm the spectral status of the sleazy shit.

In all seriousness though, just fucking tell them. "BuT tHeY'rE mEaN sOmEtImEs!" That's what the 'block' button is for. Never, ever take what they say after a rejection personally, because they are very clearly broadcasting that they are immature and not worth your time.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-01-07T07:29:03+00:00

Yeah if it's just been a couple of dates it's not the biggest deal but it just speaks to them more than anything, if I couldn't just tell a woman "hey, I just don't think it's going to work between us" or some variation of that, I would look at myself as pathetic, if someone can't at least give you that small little courtesy, idk

Prismatic_Symphony · 2022-01-07T10:17:19+00:00

Ghosting is cowardly, and shouldn't be done outside of an actual issue of safety, which is the exception not the rule. If it's not gonna work out, I'd sure as hell like to know why, in order to not wast my time waiting, and to make myself better for the next person, or to better choose someone who's okay with whatever idosyncracy it was that turned one potential partner off. Being ghosted is a whiplash and can be jarring. I would not do that to someone cause it's incredibly rude.

No answer is not an answer. It's a never answered question without resolution. It IS the gray area. This is basic adult communication. Or it should be.

Debubba · 2022-01-07T10:29:02+00:00

It's disrespectful "you're not worth 2 seconds to send a text"

And leaves them wondering

"Why am I not worth 2 seconds for them to send a text"

AreOut · 2022-01-07T11:03:06+00:00

just a simple "I think I deserve a guy who has a lot of beautiful girls as options but I feel so special that I know he is going to choose me among all of them" would suffice, as noone in his sane mind would like to date such girl anyway

DerekMorganBAU · 2022-01-07T12:22:21+00:00

Yes it’s a lack of respect or consideration but I don’t expect anyone I barely know to go out of their way for me and they shouldn’t expect that out of me either. Like chill I barely know you you’re a drop in the bucket lol

sunkized · 2022-01-07T13:27:53+00:00

I've done it in the past, but not anymore. I see it as enforcing cowardly behavior.

MasterTeacher123 · 2022-01-07T13:36:55+00:00

To me unless you met in person, you were never ghosted. People will get someone’s number never meet them and claim they were ghosted. If you get that salty over someone you never met than this ain’t the game for you.

CursedLemon · 2022-01-07T13:52:31+00:00

Ghosting is the solution of women deciding, because of past shitty experiences, that it's easier to risk offending a good man than dealing with a bad one. If you don't like ghosting, blame the malignant motherfuckers out there who made it a simple decision for some gals.

back_in_blyat · 2022-01-07T15:52:57+00:00

It is because lying does a disservice to others and you damage society at large in tiny increments over time. Unless you feel the need to lie to avoid a legitimate threat of say bodily harm, texting someone "I am not interested in you because XYZ", while awkward, is the best thing you can do fro that person. Why would you condemn someone to repeat a failing pattern. I find ghosting mainly something that women do, so why do you want other women having to waste their time with a guy because he doesn't think something off-putting about him is even wrong because no one told him? Why do you not have the decency to tell the guy what he can do better for someone else?

I practice what I preach, I have straight up told many girls I've met via online dating when we meet up that I am not interested because their pictures were misleading and I am not attracted to them because of their weight full stop. Or that I do not date cigarette smokers. You may find that rude, but is straight up deluding into thinking their universally unappealing lifestyle is not the problem not far far more malicious?

decoy88 · 2022-01-07T16:50:28+00:00

I prefer the truth over lies or vagueness. It allows me to make an informed decision

Most people feel that way.

However, I find people who are more comfortable with making up conclusions in their head about the intention behind somebody else’s actions prefer ghosting. They don’t mind writing their own story.

SwinginPastMyKnees_ · 2022-01-07T17:25:48+00:00

I'd say that ghosting prevents you from learning about 'why' you're not getting a subsequent date. This could lead to frustration since you have no way to improve where you might be lacking.

Granted, someone might lie to you to prevent hurting your feelings, which wouldn't help either.

lordofcin_2 · 2022-01-07T21:22:51+00:00

it's politeness, trust me when I say that getting ghosted hurts more. I also have autism so I tend to have trouble differentiating when someone is ghosting me or just hasn't replied yet

JoanGreenCat · 2022-01-07T21:43:38+00:00

I think only cowards ghost. Texting that you are not interested takes less than a minute of your time and most people will just stop texting or calling. With ghosting someone might think something happened to you and will try to reach out. Just be honest people.

GhostofCamus · 2022-01-08T18:23:33+00:00

A simple "fuck off" is faster. My energy is valuable.

Title	Why is ghosting so maligned?
Author	miseraa
Upvotes	31
Comments	96
Date	January 6, 2022 10:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/rxqufk/why_is_ghosting_so_maligned/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-ghosting-so-maligned.1094256 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094256

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