I just want to be genuine and vulnerable and have someone still love me

CompetitionFair7686 · 2022-05-25T01:42:18+00:00

You don’t want love, you want validation.

Love isn’t about receiving, it’s about giving

The problem when you say i just want to be myself and myself is being an insecure and clingy person, that’s not actually true.

You have learnt to be insecure you weren’t born that way. In other words, what you do now doesn’t represent your true self, it’s a facade, that you are assuming is the real version of you, but the real version of you is confident and isn’t clingy. When you were a kid that’s when you truly were yourself.

Then, life experiences forced you to learn things that are toxic.

Wanting validation to feel good about yourself, doesn’t mean you are being yourself. You don’t want to hide who you are but you are doing it even if you don’t follow advice, because who you are and what you do are different things.

Texting a lot for instance and worrying you may lose her if she takes more than usual to reply. Do you want to text a lot with your friends or your mother? Do you worry if your family one day take more than usual to reply because you feel your family might abandon you? Why does it have to be just with a girl you like?

That’s clearly something you are doing to get validation from her.

You are seeking to get something that was denied to you when you were little, or that you lack, and hoping the girl gives it to you which of course overwhelms the girl because that’s not her job.

You grew up lacking that need due to bad parenting or bad childhood or whatever subtle trauma, and now want to use girls to gain back that thing you lack back them. That isn’t being yourself.

You are using girls, or hope to use girls to fill that emotional void, and girls won’t have that, no one would. Because it’s not their burden to bear.

montanalombardy · 2022-05-25T06:05:52+00:00

Don't text too much, don't be clingy, don't show too much interest

If these were the rules of dating I'd be fucking women left and right lmao

willgo-waggins · 2022-05-25T03:22:42+00:00

You can do this.

My girl and I love each other deeply and passionately and with caring and concern and connection. But even though we were very connected from the start, it took time to build that trust that allowed the open and vulnerable live to flourish.

You need to not just open and throw yourself completely out there until you have trust and certainty built up with a person. Otherwise you will find pain that leads to bitterness and resentment. And great difficulty in ever being able to find the real thing.

rhofire · 2022-05-25T04:54:24+00:00

What if I genuinely want to text a lot and lay out all my cards?

Then you’re in for a lot of pain. You have to learn to take care of your own emotions and understand people would rather spend energy on theirs. It’s all part of being an adult.

I really don't see myself 180ing and becoming stoic, emotionless, gigachad

That’s good because none of that will help you. You claim you want to be authentic but I’d argue you just want to be coddled. You don’t want to face yourself.

IncrediblyAnna · 2022-05-25T06:51:00+00:00

This is exactly what I've been thinking the other day.. I just wanna be me and want my person to be themselves. No games, no manipulation, no faking anything. Sigh. Well, good to know men like this exist. Genuinely a relief. 🥹

zertsetzung · 2022-05-25T02:14:33+00:00

"What if I genuinely want to text a lot and lay out all my cards? What ifI want to express my genuine desires? I don't want to hide who I am,and it seems like most dating advice is being someone who you're not."

The rules change for you as a man when you are one deemed highly desirable by women. WHen you are a catch with women, you could do all sorts of crazy shit that average men couldnt do or get away with. Including, acting needy.

But if you arent there yet, might just want to follow the advice that you read off of well researched, non-biased seduction/dating advice websites. And realize that not all dating advice should be taken literally.

Should you go full stoic? Fuck no? Vulnerability is fine. Weakness is what turns women off.

Happy mediums dude. If some dude who seems reputable tells you that all chicks love rock climbers, are you going to jump off a cliff? No.

So dont go full stoic. And apply that logic to other

"I'm handsome, i'm in good shape, i have things going for me, i've been to therapy, but I have had a traumatic childhood."

Good. Focus on learning Social Skills. Because that is the number one thing it takes to get the type of women you want. And it wont be difficult, because physically you are already desirable.

read these guys: www.girlschase.com

No I dont write for them. Wish I did.

reddunt3 · 2022-05-25T11:16:41+00:00

Man did you read Models by Mark Manson? Or get the audio book. I guarantee you it's perfect for you. It will show you how to be vulnerable in an attractive way. You need to get rid of your insecurities and search for validation. It is a good first step.

el_colimofla · 2022-05-25T14:36:06+00:00

I feel you, I don't know If this is exactly your case but I used to fantasize with telling my problems to the girls I was dating for a very long time, even if we has gone out only a few a times, I then realized it was me that had a lot of problems to solve and only wanted a shoulder to cry on, thing is I had a lot of better shoulders in my life and actually giving too much trust to someone that was there to have fun with me, at least at that stage, and that was my bad. I don't have a good answer for that, I feel like it comes from self 'respect' to know who you can be vulnerable with and you can work on it if you take good care of yourself

NomadicSifu · 2022-05-25T04:11:10+00:00

Just want to jump in and say I totally get you and can relate. There’s definitely someone out there who you can do that with. Trust the process and keep “interviewing” like you’re looking for a job

letsgetrandy · 2022-05-25T01:59:21+00:00

You want to be unattractive? Then be unattractive. Nobody's stopping you. You are welcome to repulse the people to whom you are attracted. You are free to prove to the world why they're making the right choice by not trying to mate with you and proliferate your weak genes.

Or... maybe you can put down the drugs for a while, stop playing video games, quit reinforcing the fantasy life in your head, and start building skills and hobbies and accomplishments and things that will not only take your mind off of your loneliness but also will naturally make people more interested in being around you. And then, it won't be an act at all!

BigChestCliff · 2022-05-25T09:00:25+00:00

Many people will act as if you are incorrect or correct. Or they are aware of what they are saying.

However, many factors come into play. If you're attractive and in good shape. There's a good chance that if you act distant, girls will think you don't like them enough. Which is either a good thing or a bad thing.

If she likes you enough, she will wait; if she likes you but does not like to play games, it is best if you text her occasionally but not excessively.

If that's what you want, go be clingy and you'll find a girl who likes clingy guys. But don't be concerned about girls who don't like it because you don't want that to happen.

youcheekydelinquent · 2022-05-25T11:50:34+00:00

I actually think women have zero experience with meeting men's emotional needs and actually are afraid because they are trained to find utility in a man or fear them.

TexasBoyz-713 · 2022-05-25T13:28:11+00:00

I used to be clingy.. til I got my heart broken by the girl I thought was “the one”

Now it’s fuck love lol

These-Calligrapher · 2022-05-25T20:40:18+00:00

Work with your therapist to identify the events that are causing what’s causing you to have clingy tendencies. Find a way to develop a sense of security in independence.

raulonastool · 2022-05-26T01:31:27+00:00

I think you're thinking about it the wrong way. Being genuine and blvulnerable are attractive features in a man but they might not mean what you think they mean.

To be genuine is to absolutely, 1000% detach yourself from the need for validation from a woman or anybody for that matter. You don't need them to like you to be happy. You can make yourself happy because you're dope and your life is dope.

To be vulnerable is to do the risky thing. To put yourself out there and risk being judged. Risk being rejected. Risk being disliked. When you go up to a woman and tell her she looks sexy and you wanted to get to know her and you are absolutely detached from whether or notbshe reciprocates, that's vulnerable and that's sexy and it will come across in your energy when you talk to her.

nofapHER0 · 2022-06-22T13:15:50+00:00

I know exactly what you’re feeling. Read “The Way of The Superior Man”. It will open your eyes to what you feel like your missing piece is, which is an illusion.

You’ve been programmed and feminized to think vulnerability is what women want to see in a man.

Learn to embrace endeavor, competition, greatness, masculinity

You have to accept that only soft bitches get to be vulnerable and cry and be emotional. This sounds like toxic masculinity but don’t listen to the feminists. They don’t know what’s good for you. This is good for you.

It’s hard to swallow. You will want to start believing in lies again, but stay strong man. You’re the only person you got in this world.

You’re meant to be great and inspiring to men and women around you. I believe in you man.

PuroPincheGains · 2022-05-25T04:43:36+00:00

Yes that's how it works. Being genuine and vulnerable is what you're supposed to do. You're entirely too needy to succeed though. You think love will make you happy but you have cause and effect reversed. Why would anyone want to date a sad boy? Women have their own problems, they don't have the time or patience to solve yours. You need to learn to be happy for yourself. Then women will flock to you. Read Models by Mark Manson.

Shadow__Account · 2022-05-25T08:20:49+00:00

Dude being needy is not the same as being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not just blurting out all your weaknesses and putting them on another person. If you tell someone you basically just met that you are really into her that’s not being vulnerable that’s just giving in to your weakness. Being vulnerable is telling someone you are scared to death before you jump out of a plane. But you are still jumping, that is where vulnerability combined with bravery is attractive. Just saying you are scared sure it’s vulnerable in a way but you are basically asking someone else to deal with your shit or be a parent to you, you are taking and not sharing. Being vulnerable is not an excuse to be weak and give up

theseoulplayer · 2022-05-25T06:24:49+00:00

You didn't chase her away with your openness and vulnerability, you chased her away with insecurity and neediness. You don't need to play mind games, be stoic, or any of that other stuff, you need to become comfortable with yourself.

Identify in yourself why you are so insecure, clingy, and needy. Then actually address it and fix your issues without women. Once you do that, you will actually be able to be real and authentic with women because your real self won't chase them away.

Or you can ignore this, have crappy relationships, and vent to Reddit about it. Your choice.

nevertextgoodnight · 2022-05-25T06:14:05+00:00

It's not fair to treat innocent women as your surrogate mommy

You think your perspective is noble but unfortunately don't see how sick and twisted your paradigm is

It's fine to want to love a woman but you want to smother one

oyrishluck · 2022-05-25T06:05:33+00:00

Take these alongside all the other comments which touch on totally different aspects.

A healthy way to look at seduction is like a bird dance. You lay out all your cards out on the table (seduction demonstrates your highest capacity for determination, wit, energy, motivation, humour, quick thinking, industriousness, etc.). The person is reeled in with this, but you don't have to keep it up forever. You slowly let the mask slip (both of you) and continously recalibrate and decide if you are still compatible. That way you both transform in front of each other as the relationship deepens, and it becomes a relationship between two more authentic people, eventually, wholly authentic. Lots of people only want to experience the seductive persona, and so end things when it stops. People who like low committment and games/playing will shoot for that cycle, but you don't want those people or that lifestyle, weed those out. It's trial and error. Love is worth it.
Go to therapy/keep looking until you find a therapist and method that works for you. If the goal is to have someone love you, be careful that the self-interested nature of that goal doesn't end up hurting someone (because they are being used, rather than necessarily truly loved at any point). People (potentially you) can end up thinking they are in love with someone when they aren't, and only find that out in hindsight. Don't do something that would hurt someone deeply in other words, through the goal of satisfying yourself.

recyclablebanthas · 2022-05-26T02:59:44+00:00

1

It seems that some of us have different goals.

There's nothing wrong with wanting something long-term or casual.

2

I feel like most steps of dating you have to be inauthentic.

Don't text too much

don't be clingy

don't show too much interest.

What if I genuinely want to text a lot and lay out all my cards? What if I want to express my genuine desires? I don't want to hide who I am, and it seems like most dating advice is being someone who you're not.

All of these behaviors are symptoms of the insecurity.

Simply covering them up doesn't address the insecurity.

And justifying these behaviors as "genuine" desires doesn't fix the underlying problem.

Insecurity is an internal problem. And the constant need to reach out to others for validation and reassurance, is effectively seeking an external solution for a problem that's actually internal.

It's unintentionally taking your focus away from where it needs to be. Going to others will not change the fact that the true battle is inside of you.

Sooner or later you have to stand up to the insecurity within yourself and fight it on a more regular basis.

We all have low points and need help sometimes, but if you are at a point where you're just starting to date someone and you feel the need to text them constantly so you can feel secure, that's something you need to try to address by yourself. Or you will drive away anyone who's well adjusted.

3

Mentioned that you've been in therapy. Did this therapy involve cognitive behavioral therapy?

jassem_rk · 2022-05-25T07:16:29+00:00

Your a guy ,That should tell u enough that u can't be vulnerable around women.Telling them everything won't do nothing but make them feel they're with a pussio guy.

No hate to u I'm a guy too,never worked out for me neither does it work for any guy

We are supposed to be mentally stronger Nd more masculine that's what society thinks of us, can't really change how they think might as well accept it.

It is what it is.

Dakessian · 2022-05-25T10:39:29+00:00

Man, dating/fucking is the last thing on my mind. I can’t believe seven year olds were fucking shot yesterday while in school.

Blaphrodite · 2022-05-25T06:44:43+00:00

You, and half of single people

Stanley975 · 2022-05-25T07:08:28+00:00

That's fine dude. Just find the right person for you. Lower your ambitions, there are also nice shy girls out there who might feel the same. Stop looking for a porn-style type of girls and maybe do a little compromise. It's all about what you can bring to the table, but don't expect more than you can give. This is a common approach among boys unable to find a girl. They're not willing to compromise at all, not on looks, not on personality, yet wondering why they cannot find somebody. Girls with the same approach would 100% reject you, and can you blame them? Be the first who's modest, and you'll find yourself a modest girl. If she leaves you, she's not the right type for you.

TheMorningJoe · 2022-05-25T07:54:44+00:00

Unfortunately men just can’t be like that or else she’ll see you as soft and go look for someone else.

Long-Reach-9690 · 2022-05-25T17:45:57+00:00

Clinging and insecurities is just unattractive and exhausting. Try to have a balance of vulnerability and stability. Too much of one thing is too much on someone. Are you looking for love or someone to dump your shit on?

cronasminate · 2022-05-25T08:18:06+00:00

It mostly sounds like you don’t want to grow as a person. You want to remain insecure because you don’t want to take the emotional risk of trusting someone enough to ignore your insecurities. You are too afraid to get hurt and so you stick your old ways out of selfishness not out of authenticity.

You are basically an overgrown baby and you want to coddled. You are looking for a second mother. Some women are into that shit, so you may find someone but you’ll need to increase you attractiveness and reach.

incognito3107 · 2022-05-25T08:40:10+00:00

I guess you should focus on loving yourself first. There will be always a possibility that the girl lose her interest in you. People are different, different needs, different temperament, different viewpoint. If you want to be taken for just what you are, you would have to accept anything that comes to you just as they are. You have little control over your external experience, but you have immense power to adapt and change your thinking.

Rhigorehound · 2022-05-25T09:16:33+00:00

I want someone who doesn’t emotionally abuse me

Turnmaximum55 · 2022-05-25T09:35:50+00:00

There’s a difference between displaying vulnerability and looking for a female therapist.

You show vulnerability through being open and honest and not caring about the outcome after which shows that you aren’t needy and she knows then that you aren’t a scumbag.

But….

Some guys get a positive response from doing this once or twice (Which you should only do) and they keep going without moving back to playful flirting.

maxpossimpible · 2022-05-25T10:06:45+00:00

Every time you're messaging her you're waiting for an answer. That answer validates you that you're still interesting to her. You're searching for that validation in everything and it's not attractive.

Are you searching for validation at your workplace as well? Do you become super happy if your boss says "good job"? How do you feel about compliments from strangers? Salespeople?

People with low self-esteem and low self-confidence love compliments because it validates them, as such, they become like children when someone compliments them a lot. That's why cheap sales courses teach salespeople to compliment customers a lot because it builds rapport with these people. And there's a lot of them out there.

So your best bet is to continue with therapy to build that self-esteem and self-confidence up. Work out, become great at anything really. Be that work, hobby, game, or whatever. Becoming great at something is the best thing to build self-confidence.

Exotic_Pop_765 · 2022-05-25T10:39:14+00:00

If I was a fighting champion I wouldnt be out there fighting with amateurs. I would already know the result. I would in fact prefer to fight with people on my level because they would give me the motivation motivation try my best. Now imagine the champion fighters are women. They know they induce these feelings in you. They induce these feelings in every guy. Why would they be with you instead of everyone else like you ?? At some point they need the challenge. If you cover up the 120% of probable excitement what's left for them to fill in?

Own-Masterpiece5102 · 2022-05-25T12:33:37+00:00

I suggest you continue to work on your insecurity and clinginess with your therapist. Dating is a lot like finding a job. If you say the brutal truth on your resume and interview you will drive away your employers, and the same goes for dating. There is a certain element of selling yourself and presenting a positive image of yourself in interviews and dating.

In real life, you can't be 100% geniune. Radical honesty is fun in theory but terrible in practice. I suggest you have some empathy and consider that the woman doesn't want cligny insecure behavior.

Also once you are in a relationship for a while the neediness will naturally reduce as honeymoon stage ends. While it isn't appropriate to open up too much at first, there is a place for this later on.

revente · 2022-05-25T12:34:51+00:00

Go get a dog.

swhatrulookinat · 2022-05-25T15:12:06+00:00

Why cant anyone give SpicyNippss some lovin?

Neat-Ice-3374 · 2022-05-25T15:24:49+00:00

everyone wants this you’re not alone in this feeling you’ll find someone who wants what you want

Glacier_Sama · 2022-05-25T16:14:26+00:00

You gotta learn to be a man. Take up some masculine values

Historical-Orange-60 · 2022-05-25T18:00:11+00:00

Romance ...romance......romance! Sugar!

Successful_Teach366 · 2022-05-25T22:08:15+00:00

Because clingy is unhealthy and isn’t really who you were meant to be. I felt like this before too and I found that I was anxious abandoned type personality and needed conquer that before I ruined any future relationship. There is a way to work with that and it needs to be worked on before you date and become obsessive. SLAA on YouTube helped me a lot and inner child work which was just a day and changed my whole life. Then I met the girl of my dreams. Never settle, if it’s not a hell yeah, it’s a hell no.

Title	I just want to be genuine and vulnerable and have someone still love me
Author	SpicyNippss
Upvotes	391
Comments	96
Date	May 25, 2022 1:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/ux6amp/i_just_want_to_be_genuine_and_vulnerable_and_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-just-want-to-be-genuine-and-vulnerable-and-have.1258749 https://theredarchive.com/post/1258749

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