[FR] How I Escaped the Friend Zone

SexCupid · 2014-01-26T09:19:37+00:00

No, no, no. This is not a field report. This is a Twilight story.

Ok, you got things off your chest. If that makes you feel better in the end, fine.

But for the future, when you are in similar situations, you do NOT verbalize your feelings like that. That simple kills any minimal attraction existing at the moment, or potential attraction in the future. You do NOT cut ties with a woman with whom you haven't started anything just yet. You simply din't know how things would be in a near or far future. Especially if she has nice lady-friends. Now any chance you had with any of them are gone, and perhaps with the friends of her friends. Because chicks talk. Women like confidence, and you can show it by simply not giving a fuck. You just stopping by? Cool, see ya! And keep doing your thing. Next time, she'll remember you as a chilled dude.... "perhaps it is because he's seeing another woman? Maybe two, or three? What's the deal with this guy?"

Dude, I'm no expert, okay? But I still have some experience. I can tell you of three or four women who did things that stung me, but I played it cool; they even saw me with other ladies as time passed by. I kept talking to them as if they were dudes to me. A few weeks or months later, I am cock-slapping their sweet, sweet tits and make them scream my name as I do them doggy style. Don't get me started with the ladies I didn't get, but their hot friends served me very well as "consolation" prize. Always play it cool! Good luck for next time.

bubby1 · 2014-01-26T07:08:54+00:00

I mean you knew you were going to be "in friend zone" cuz you were her friend when she had a boyfriend... then you have her over to a party ONE TIME when she's single, things don't go your way, and you awkwardly confront her about it at a cookie shop. -____-

You went about it the wrong way. Don't be confrontational because she left with her friends and didn't stay with prince charming all night. That's not really fair. ASK HER IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO GO ON A DATE. A REAL DATE. If she says no, act decent and part ways. No bridges burned.

mpm4 · 2014-01-26T09:30:05+00:00

So you cut a girl off for good because she didn't instantly reciprocate your feelings and respond like you thought she would? The whole picture you painted of telling her this sounds more like a breakup between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, when really it was you being upset things didn't instantly go as you thought they would. I know this comes off as harsh but this comes from my own experience and seeing this with other guys - a girl not being interested in you is not her fault and she has no obligation. It is your job to make the girl like you, things don't magically fall in place just because you daydream about a girl. The thing I think that helps the most in these cases - stop daydreaming about where things can go with certain girls before you even get them on a date. Otherwise you will end up projecting an ideal image of how she should act in your head which might clash with what actually happens. What you did is not called escaping the friend zone - you're going to find yourself back in this situation again if you expect girls the way you want them to.

jap-a-negro · 2014-01-26T09:38:55+00:00

That was weird. Confessing all that. You're really fucking dramatic, my dude.

kikomeprease · 2014-01-26T05:29:32+00:00

People might disagree with me here, but I think that it wasn't necessary to overtly communicate your feelings to her. If you were already so adamant about cutting ties with her in your head, why not just...disappear without a word?

uncleRusty · 2014-01-26T07:57:11+00:00

You got butthurt because she left your party early? You don't own her, she can leave on her own accord. You didn't even make a move, you just said a couple needy things and made things awkward; maybe to put her down and make yourself feel validated?

rusty84 · 2014-01-26T05:00:23+00:00

The first is that I’m not happy about what you did at my party two weeks ago. You and your friends just pregamed at my placed and left. I was pissed.” Man, that was hard to say, but it felt good to start to get this off my chest. I knew I was prepared for what was to come. She began to look slightly defensive in addition to her surprise. “Well, I thought I told you that I was just stopping by.” I could see in her eyes that she knew that this wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I kept on with my pursuit. “’That’s not really important now. What’s done is done. Secondly, this whole friendship thing isn’t working for me, precisely because I enjoy you too much. I’m way too attracted to you for this to keeping going on. It’s not emotionally healthy for me to continue.”

What were you expecting from telling her this? — just to cut her off for good? If you really wanted to date her, you should have done something more subtle and gauged her response (e.g., you could have said something along the lines of: "I'm glad were only friends" or " do you want to go on a date with me [maybe not this one because she gets the upper-hand, but you get the idea].")
Don't want to sound like an asshole, but you came off as too needy.
You didn't have to try to make her feel bad just because your emotions aren't in sync — it sucks, but you could have worded it better, and made it so that you had the upper-hand in the 'parting'.
However, since she pre-gamed at your place and treated you kind of shitty — I don't think you could have achieved an equal relationship if you did date her, so you did the right thing by cutting her off.

JesperSB_dk · 2014-01-26T12:24:23+00:00

You could have shown high value, from day one. Then the girl wants to be more than just friends.

Every time you are with a girl you do at least one DHV, so your value stays high.

You only gets rejected or LJBF, if your value is low. Find what gives you high value, so girls have a reason to be more than just friends with you.

Or you ARE going to feel disappointed, that the girls do not fall magically in love with you.

Afeni02 · 2014-01-26T17:09:01+00:00

I had the idea in my head that if she was over then I’d ask if she’s still in relationship, state my intentions

“Wait up, Sarah. There are a couple of things I need to say to you.”

“ The first is that I’m not happy about what you did at my party two weeks ago. You and your friends just pregamed at my placed and left. I was pissed.”

That was super AFC of you OP. Next time, don't take yourself too seriously! Be fun! Don't give a fuck! It doesn't have too be super deep and emotional like a movie. Don't "express" yourself verbally, show! don't tell! Actions speak louder than words. Joke around more, KINO!, neg her, pass her shit tests. The absolute BEST way to let her know you desire her is KINO! KINO! KINO! KINO! If I were you, I would've started KINOing her, flirting, escalating and see how she responds, you didn't even fucking try with her. Be you, do you and if she wants to tag along then cool, if not then cool.

If you were expecting a happy ending and feel disappointed, get used to it. You’re going to feel that way a lot on your journey for love. In my experience, it doesn’t get any better, and it doesn’t really happen any less often. I just get better at dealing with it. Just as you will.

Quit being so pessimistic! Lighten the fuck up! Quit being too serious!

David_BA · 2014-01-26T04:41:13+00:00

That story was about half as sad to me as seeing Simba find Mufasa dead, and that was pretty fucking sad. I don't know whether to say FU or thank you for the feels train, but here's an upvote. (And thanks for the lesson).

evolve18 · 2014-01-26T15:48:43+00:00

Whoa, the title is absolutely misleading. You did not escape the friendzone, your threw a tantrum because you didn't know what to do with your feelings. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad or that others have not experienced what you went through, but let's take a step back here and realize there is a lesson to be learned.

First, you became friends with this girl when you perceived her as off limits. That's not her fault. You need to give her more time to build attraction to you, and there are certainly ways you could have demonstrated your value to her over time that may have drawn her to you.

Second, she is fresh out of a relationship. Have you ever been in a relationship? I can tell you that when I am newly single, the last thing I want is someone pouring their feelings out to me (unless she is a super model, then okay) and being upset when I don't reciprocate. She is a woman yes, but a human first. She probably wants to have some fun and play the field. You could have been in that field if you had sacked up a little bit and respected the fact that she is a human.

Third, not sure why you had a dire need to express your feelings in the way that you did. Next time, write them down and put them away for a few days, maybe even weeks. Give it time. Don't be so stalwart to get everything out.

Finally, have a little confidence. What you did shows you don't have confidence that she would come around. Assume every woman wants you until she tells you otherwise, but never ask whether she wants you (which is essentially what you did).

BigGeek43 · 2014-01-26T03:10:01+00:00

You did very well given the situation. I had this happen with 2 girls recently. Girls that I've invested way to much time for. Some women will just use you and they don't even see anything wrong with it. They will train you giving bullshit stories such as, oh I need to get to know you better... We need to be friends first...I need to feel that we are spending time together... I'm old fashioned girl and I think guy has to pay for things until I get to know him etc.
I think the best way to avoid this is to have a rule where you escalate hard on the third date and if she gives bullshit, drop her and delete her number to avoid any temptation to come back to her. Which is what you did, brother. You did it like a boss. Next time you see her, game other girl on front of her and pretend you don't even see her.

blaspheminCapn · 2014-01-26T16:49:11+00:00

Why didn't you end that with, "so that's why we are going to start dating officially now."

tfofmat · 2014-01-26T18:51:27+00:00

Wait so you had never been on a date with this girl, never gave her any indication of your interest, and then just put her on the spot expected her to be madly in love with you? I felt uncomfortable just reading this. That poor girl.

epiphyte2 · 2014-01-26T19:19:10+00:00

This is the most beta shit I have ever read.

2014-01-27T13:33:49+00:00

You were mentally dating this girl and mentally broke up with her , out loud

46n2arejustaheadofme · 2014-01-26T04:49:42+00:00

Had to do the exact same thing to a girl I had been dating while studying abroad. We came back and she just wanted to be friends. I said "no" because I was too attracted to her to do that in an emotionally healthy way for me.

It hurts but you need to know how you feel and move on of they don't reciprocate, that's the only way to do it and not go crazy.

Stay strong man.

magicroot75 · 2014-01-26T15:31:08+00:00

And judging from what she did at my party, she didn’t care much about me (if she did, she would’ve stayed)

This is not necessarily the case. Don't read into things like this. Women live on the Western Wind. There are 10,000 reasons why she could have left when she did. Girls generally don't look at things from a perspective of singling out a person and going to their parties. You have to sweep them away and put yourself on the top of their mind.

You had your 15 minutes to pull her in and you didn't. You know how long of I window you usually get doing daygame? 2-3 minutes tops.

Take what you want, discard the rejections. Unless you are a mind-reader, there is no other way to live as a man.

Source: 1000+ approaches

opinion_not_fact · 2014-01-26T17:19:21+00:00

Well considering how sorry this sub has become the last year I'm assuming everyone is upvoting this as a prime example of how NOT to behave. That or everyone here has become a chump.

Schipannschwahh · 2014-01-26T18:03:27+00:00

I think it's unfair to be so harsh on the kid. Some of you make it sound like he just has turn down the suck knob and rise to the ocassion. It may hold true but it's not something that just happens instantaniously. It's a lenghty proccess of denial and error, opps, make that trial and error. There are plenty of places where we can pick out the mistakes made from our 'I know better' positions of experience. Instead view this as a stepping stone to the man he wants to be. I think the one thing he learned in this scenario is that ending it is best before bloodshed. There was no use pining for her and establishing an intimate connection by that point was navigating a mine field. Insted of having it blow up in his face he turned and walked away. It's not good game, but he did survive to fight another day. Now that it's lesson learned, it's time to improve on the game plan to make more ground and avoid the same pitfalls that took him to this predicament. Isn't that the point of this subreddit? Self improvement with the guidence of others, not just to say that you would bone all of her friends and her mother because you have it figured out.

commodore-69 · 2014-01-26T18:05:52+00:00

This is some poetic shit

analrapeage · 2014-01-26T20:55:37+00:00

In my experience, telling a girl how you feel doesn't help. The action of sticking up for yourself as a man who deserves female intimacy does help, but usually not enough to get out of the friend zone. OP is still in the 'friendzone', he just isn't a friend anymore. Sara will tell her friends with a shudder (no offense, OP), "OMG Bob told me he wanted to date me--SOOOO awkward. Sucks that we can't be friends anymore." 'Getting out of the friendzone' entails her thinking differently about you as a result of your alpha actions--mainly standing up for yourself and not giving a shit about what other people think--and then her agreeing to a physical relationship. Getting into a confrontation about your feelings is romcom shit and rarely works in real life, IMHO.

caesarfecit · 2014-01-26T21:28:58+00:00

OP, you gave up. Plain and simple.

Now having said that, I've been where you've been and done almost exactly what you did. Now, my situation was a little different and for me, the only sane move was to eject, but I know what was going through your head on an emotional level. And I'll explain.

Neediness is the kryptonite of male game. You spent too much time with this girl, got attached, got pot-committed so to speak. And when she became single, you realized that there was no way to make it work when you were way more into her than she was into you. The pressure got too much, your confidence folded, and you detonated your friendship as a way out.

What you should have done was make her a secondary, if not tertiary sexual priority, limit your investment, make some token sexual advances (basically just to tell her she has a shot) and keep spinning plates. That way, you're more casual friends than ersatz brother/sister, and your lack of neediness becomes a quasi challenge for her to overcome (assuming shes interested).

The only way to truly avoid the friend zone is to not give one shit whether you guys end up fucking i.e. zero sexual neediness. That allows the sexual tension to build up enough so that she doesn't get all headfucked and all "but were just friends!".

YetzirahToAhssiah · 2014-01-26T06:07:05+00:00

I feel like you should have asked her how she felt about you, maybe she thought of you as more than a friend?

ragingdobs · 2014-01-26T09:06:23+00:00

Look, you didn't escape. You just got tired of being a pushover. I'm not saying that close friendships with girls is a bad thing, but your friendship with this girl was only on her terms. She got all of the benefits, and you got frustrated. But you didn't do anything to make yourself more attractive/valuable to her before you made your move, and the way you describe makes it seem like you didn't have any confidence in the outcome.

"You’re going to feel that way a lot on your journey for love. In my experience, it doesn’t get any better, and it doesn’t really happen any less often. I just get better at dealing with it."

Most of us on this sub are not looking for love - we're here to have fun, gain self-confidence and social skills, and sleep with/date attractive women. I think your main problem is that you got sucked into falling for this girl who didn't treat you well. You got put into that awkward position of "you're a bitch, but I like you?" that would have been off-putting for her. I think with time you can become more comfortable in your own skin so that even when you are rejected, it will sting less, and you'll be confident in your own abilities to find someone else.

"Now, I feel the same way when my grandpa died a month ago."

Not being friends with this girl is in no way comparable to the death of a loved one. If she treated you poorly, you need to recognize that not being around her is a positive, not a negative.

thisisandy90 · 2014-01-26T18:14:52+00:00

You probably should have kept her and her friends attention while they were at your place. You still had 15 min to take action. Include her in the fun that you were having at your party. I would leave too if there were other more fun things to do.

surfinfan21 · 2014-01-26T13:59:45+00:00

I don't blame you for breaking ties. I'm just not sure you went about it the right way. I don't think you needed to tell her like you were breaking up with her. I would have just stopped talking to her until she said something. Odds are she would have just forgot about you, unfortunate I know but it would solidify your suspicions about how she felt about you.

Now I have a question for the community. How do we feel about keeping girls around who are just friends? Is it a bad idea to keep a girl around as a friend with the idea that you may want to hookup with them in the future? Regardless of whether they have a boyfriend.

Ciderglove · 2014-01-26T16:47:06+00:00

One of the least attractive things it is possible to do is to analyse yourself or your relationship with someone in front of other people. It is self-indulgent and reeks of low confidence. If you want to get out of the friend zone, dont take any notice of her when she treats you like a friend.

gemini88mill · 2014-01-26T16:56:46+00:00

Look dude,

I get how you feel because I've been there, I think the lesson that needs to be learned from this experience is that you must understand that not all women are going to like you. Period. That can be easily seen with guys who play the numbers game. I'm glad that you realized that you were in the "friend zone" and decided to do something proactive about the situation. But I think we should realize what the friendzone is. It is the willingness to accept what a girl dishes to you simply because she is a woman.

You wouldn't want a girl that caters to your every whim because you would be bored and think that she was needy. Same thing. If you want the girl of your dreams then just treat the girl like a person not a girl.

T_Rab · 2014-01-26T20:19:36+00:00

It's hard man. Someday you'll get that happy ending tho.

Also, there's a lot of alpha males appearing from /r/seduction putting you down. Don't sweat em. Honestly every post I've seen on here attempts to objectify women and make a clear cut guide on how to get with them. That's not how it works.

I liked the story.
Peace

ZiRALiX · 2014-01-27T00:41:13+00:00

FWIW, you didn't "chicken out" or "take your ball and go home." You understood the whole thing was toxic for you and got out. We all have feels as teenagers; hormones will do that.

you didn't need to do the monologue, but you're hardly the first person to pull some embarrassing stunt in the context of unrequited "love" or whatever you wanna call it. and yeah, you probably don't wanna do that again. I wouldn't recommend it.

understand that the criticism comes from the fact that your post doesn't exactly help anyone get laid (the point of seduction). So it's not really a field report. What the critics are saying is "i dont wanna read your venting." nothing personal.

ps don't get 3deep bro. that's deadly serious advice.

xxruruxx · 2014-01-27T00:55:39+00:00

You took her to Diddy Riese and it still didn't work out??

Don't worry, and don't listen to everyone else telling you that you fucked up. (You could have handled it differently, but) ultimately it wasn't your fault. It just wasn't meant to be :|

Afeni02 · 2014-01-27T04:20:02+00:00

I'm convinced OP is trolling!

aalewis____ · 2014-01-27T04:57:21+00:00

[tips fedora] [euphoria intensifies]

Hughtub · 2014-01-26T03:51:28+00:00

Better to discover it sooner than later, to save yourself time. I guess this is why it's best to approach and state intentions relatively early, so the girl knows what end game you have in mind. If she sees that too, it will happen much sooner than the movie fiction of nice guy gets girl in the end, like Clueless. Total fiction.

nugsnotdrugs91 · 2014-01-26T17:52:05+00:00

God on ya for doing what you felt had to be done. It takes serious cojones to follow through on what you're really feeling.

That being said, I have personally found that the concept of the "friend zone" is detrimental to what could be a great friendship. Acknowledge your attraction, act on it unapologetically, and if she doesn't reciprocate, be a friend. We all need friends, guys and girls alike. To draw such hard and fast boundaries is to deny the basic human need for companionship. Just because companionship doesn't always happen on our terms (and let's face it: it doesn't) does not mean you need to end it.

Some of the most rewarding experiences I had were with females who I didn't have sex with. Everyone has something to offer and if you focus on someone's positive attributes, you won't get caught up in the bullshit of the "friend zone."

Swedernish · 2014-01-26T20:30:21+00:00

This is the biggest beta fag i've ever seen. My lord.

thehigheststatusmale · 2014-01-26T16:53:08+00:00

antaries · 2014-01-26T16:33:42+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Meowsters · 2014-01-26T07:06:29+00:00

I'm kind of in the same situation-ish. Here's simplified story

Girl and I talk a lot she has a boyfriend, but then they break up and we get closer then we get into a fight and we stop talking, she comes back to me because she misses me. Then we build back up, but this time theres a bunch of sexual tension and she tells me she has feelings for me. FAST FOWARD couple weeks we get talking and she says she doesn't really have feelings for me anymore/ she doesn't want to ruin a great friendship because all of her relationships have ended badly, and we've been friends for 6 years. So I say fuck it, and leave her and I pratically excommunicated her. Then on Christmas day, she texts me and tells me, that she misses me and wants to try things again, so for the third time we start to build back up, but latley she's been acting so weird, like she's friendzoning me. I don't really know what to do I think I might just say what you said. Like you said, I can't deal with this girl who's constantly on my mind, held in front of me like a window display.

ZiRALiX · 2014-01-26T08:55:30+00:00

Called shenanigans on the title. Feel prescient.

Juice2000 · 2014-01-26T15:14:08+00:00

I'm exactly in this situation only we had a brief thing going on and I can't seem to cut the "friendship" like you did. I need to man up...

Tsai_Guy · 2014-01-27T05:32:33+00:00

Late to the party, but just have to get this off my chest.

This goes beyond all the seduction, guy/girl, get with her, get with her not mumble jumble. Straight up, you were just being a small, selfish, inconsiderate, and an overall shitty person to another person. And it's sickening to see you're actually in here patting yourself on the back for being a shitty person. OP, that was a very douchey thing you did to someone who thought of you as a friend, and every pat on the back you keep giving yourself for doing something like this only makes you an even bigger douchebag. You're being a little brat running around antagonizing anyone and everyone who doesn't see eye to eye with you just because you can, and because "It's good for you". You've done this to your friend and now you're doing the same to the very people in this thread that are trying to help you. You fucked up, OP.

2014-01-26T07:42:09+00:00

Thanks for the read. As inspirational in its own way as anything I have read on here. Just wanted to say if I ever get into a situation such as you were in, I hope I can act in a similar way.

Fackyoshiet · 2014-01-26T08:20:48+00:00

Man I thought this was going to have a happy ending ):

T_Rab · 2014-01-26T09:17:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Heruzek · 2014-01-26T05:12:51+00:00

Great lesson. Everybody should do this, if you like a specific girl, state your intentions early. Stay thinking the probability of she is in or not it's wrong. Solve the problem, everybody can do it, and takes a huge burden.

If you won the sadness of a family death, in one month you'll forget this girl. The tip is: Meet another girl, there is a lot of better than this girl in every corner.

coolflash8 · 2014-01-26T06:33:13+00:00

Similar thing happened to me like 3 months ago, I dilly dallied and this girl lost sexual interest, but still wanted to hang out so I was just like "I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore" which as OP described can hurt, especially in my situation of being one of the only young white people in my city, but it had to be. Friend zone is worthless and degrading for men

black_headphone · 2014-01-26T09:06:11+00:00

Holy shit. bows down You just demonstrated something incredibly powerful - that you value your own feelings about yourself more than others' feelings about you. And most importantly you had the courage to be vulnerable. Mad, mad respect.

2014-01-26T06:43:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

soggyindo · 2014-01-26T11:24:26+00:00

I had a four year relationship with someone I had been friends with for five years prior.

This seems like the OP is blaming the girl for his not being attractive/desirable enough to attract her. Or not her type. No one is obliged to find a person attractive. Just about any other option (getting another GF, staying friends, building your value) seems a preferable way to handle it.

MorgensterHaze · 2014-01-26T12:14:20+00:00

Came in expecting it to end with you smashing her afterall... oh well

slurmfactory · 2014-01-26T15:50:35+00:00

Gettin friendzoned is a first person thing, meaning ppl put themselves in the friend zone, not the other way around. The first statement u made was meh. Think ab it- u took it way too seriously and put these expectations on her. U should always encourage ppls freedom, and be cool with however it turns out. Worst thing u can do is get mad at girls for not doing what u want them to do. Aka stay and date u.

U shoulda just ignored it and went after other girls, instead of getting confrontational and ending the friendship. Been there, had to do it once too when i was 19 bc i was madly oneitis in love w some girl who treated me like her girlfriend. Wouldnt leave me alone so i finally told her i coulnt be her friend. This is weakness incarnate. A real man would keep any girl as a friend no matter how beautiful, while constantly cultivating new relationships. This is how girls become attracted to friends.

Ive escaped the friendzone by not sitting around developing feelings for my friends etc. keep up the hard work and be less needy and keep playing the numbers game. Dont get mad at stuff that u should be cool with. Ive also asked girls out in hs that rejected me and later on i hooked up w. Dot burn bridges and say "i like u too much to be ur friend." Instead, work on yourself and making yourself awesome and girls wont want to leave ur party for another one.

Title	[FR] How I Escaped the Friend Zone
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	206
Comments	155
Date	January 26, 2014 2:50 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1w5yai/fr_how_i_escaped_the_friend_zone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/fr-how-i-escaped-the-friend-zone.1364987 https://theredarchive.com/post/1364987

Comments