I don't know, guys....

UseResponsible4368 · 2024-04-11T08:14:46+00:00

That time is coming. I'm exactly your age.

The kids are there and you are there for them.

It wil take some time for you to rediscover yourself. Change your digs if you can, and start thinking about what you like, things you used to do, and things you wanted to but never had the time.

It's important for the kids to see you as a whole person, enjoying life but still working and maintaining a good balance of enjoyment and productivity. They need a good, healthy role model. Don't worry about society's norms which are full of crap.

There are two things I learned growing up that were totally false.

The first, was that you'll use complex algebra in daily life. Utterly false. I think I used more complex algebra building AD&D worlds in HS than I ever did the rest of my life, including when I was running budgets for 20,000 person events.

The second, was that almost all women except for a few ill ones always put their kids first. At first dimly, then more clearly, you start to realize all the times she claimed something for the kids, esp. changing schedules or workloads, was more about her than the benefit of the children. I don't mean any sneaky or spending stuff, but things that really required sacrifice of time and resources to change - that was really for her own convenience and benefit. Another one was I began to realize how many times she pretended to knock herself out, when in reality she goofed off for hours and maybe spent the last 15 minutes doing something superficial, then played exhausted self-sacrificing/victimhood card over it.

That was a sad recognition, and I've seen and heard it in friends and colleagues too. It's very common.

Yeti_Dude · 2024-04-10T19:53:35+00:00

In almost the same position - 45m and 19yrs. Never thought I’d be able to move on but time is a wonderful medicine. Looking forward to the next chapter in my life starting hopefully this month. Best of luck and don’t give up on yourself.

Liquidprintz · 2024-04-07T21:14:42+00:00

I was married for 11 years and had 2 kids with her. I now have full custody of our children and she’s moved on and moved in with her new victim… there are times where I am so glad she’s gone and then there are times where I’m in the corner crying like a baby… those times are getting few and far between but when they hit they hit hard… I thought we would be together until the day I die but I’m not excited about a new love and opportunities that will come my way… stay strong brother you aren’t alone.

Remarkable_Egg492 · 2024-04-07T19:55:37+00:00

I've already filed and my mind is made up. The depression even creeps in with me, even though I'm the initiating party. I think it has more to do with how my kids are suffering because of her, because I'm absolutely over her. The attraction is gone, I have no emotions toward her but disgust and hate. She's now making unreasonable demands right before mediation, and lying through her teeth about me abusing her. I can't wait for the day we're legally divorced.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-04-07T14:58:46+00:00

Remember it's a marathon and not a sprint. Patience is hard but necessary here. Reach out to a divorce recovery, Just be the best father you can be to your kids. Time to be selfish with your time to heal yourself. Do the things that make you happy. Go get your happy.

Ok_Smile_60 · 2024-04-07T01:03:41+00:00

It’ll get better. I’m about two years out, and 9 months out I felt the exact same as you. Probably worse.

It gets better. It may never get as good as it was pre cheating, but it’ll be better than you feel now

dannywizkid · 2024-04-06T22:45:25+00:00

It will get better dude, I separated from my ex wife in 2022, divorce is now in finalisation end of month, it’s hard to going back to being single, it’s hard to get back out there and start dating due to apps and all new kinds of etiquette that I missed as I was with someone since I was 19, I’m 37 this year, it’s hard but you’re doing something you’re going to the gym and being active instead of wallowing, learn to love yourself and love being on your own which is the harder part, we’ve all had to do it and at times it will hurt and it will suck but we’re all a testament to it, I’m currently dating someone after being single for nearly two years, you need that time to find yourself again and find your passions and what you enjoy, and then when someone does come along you’ll be unstoppable cos you’ll be able to be by yourself and not need anyone else to make you happy, you got this brother, don’t give up, keep moving forward dude

Bluetoes1 · 2024-04-06T21:54:42+00:00

Brother,

Take peace in knowing that it does and will get better. There are many before you who have gone through what you are going through. Including myself

It’s good to hear you are feeling better. You will go through a lot of ups and downs, but please know that you will end up coming back up higher than the downs over time.

If you focus on your kids, being there for them, showing them that they have a safe and stable parent, you will heal faster. You can help your kids to see that things can be better and that they have someone to look to.

It has been 6 years since my divorce. My ex ran off with a married man and did a multitude of shitty things. She of course had the affair, she started divorcing me, she smeared my name with everyone she could, including my children’s school and every extra-curricular coach and teacher she could.

She forged my name and cashed out my 401k, she stole my daughter’s 529, and she stashed money from me during the divorce.

She tried to bankrupt me and also tried to triangulate professionals including our marriage counselor against me to make herself look better during the divorce.

But now, I am remarried to an amazing woman who loves my daughters and me so much. We are so much happier than I ever was during my first marriage.

We all have different stories, but we all heal over time. What you need to know if your feelings are valid and you will heal. You also have alot of other men out here who’ve been through a similar situation as you and are here to support you.

rhett342 · 2024-04-06T21:52:38+00:00

It comes and goes in waves. The more distance you put between you and all this, the smaller the waves get and they start coming less often too. It's been a little short of 2 years since my ex and I split up and the divorce was final back in August. There are still times where I feel like I'm going to drown from all the sadness. I really do. But I don't feel like it all the time and I feel that way a lot less often than I used to.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-04-06T21:37:20+00:00

The sadness will creep back in less and less over time. Continue to work on yourself and keep moving forward. Self-care is your job now. Be the best father you can be and keep it moving.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2024-04-06T17:09:11+00:00

Got to give it about 3-5 years to let the memories fade.

captainchippsixx · 2024-04-06T17:03:29+00:00

Tell your self over and over. Fuck it! Fuck her! You’re making the right progress. But since you’re not even divorced yet, it still hangs over you. You need to be an asshole(that’s what she will say) and ignore her communication for 24 hours. She is not important anymore. When you do reply it’s “ok, no, yes, idk. I’m busy.” She needs to be way down on your priority list.

1-Kids and you 2-Work 3-Hobbies, gym friends 4-finances 46 - women in general 47 - your ex

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-06T16:39:54+00:00

> Is there ever going to be a time where I can just live my life on the daily and not have to have this sadness creep in?

Yeah. The most liberating day of my life is when I realized no one is coming to save me. You literally have half your life left to live. Everybody hurts through the divorce process, but once it's over you take the time for reconstruction. I'm six years past where you are -- divorcing at the same age as you -- and I'm living my best life. For now just take it day by day.

CosetteGrey · 2024-04-06T16:33:28+00:00

Trailer Park Boys man. TPB

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8rEY-JtdNk

2024-04-06T16:15:57+00:00

Hang in there 18 years is a long time women can be some of the coldest people on earth. I believe 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman.

You can DM me if you ever wanna talk need a shoulder my marriage of 11 years is ending my ex moved out she cheated on me she lied to me during the marriage a week after she moved out she had lingerie and thongs sent to our house.

I struggle every day you're gonna have good days and bad days. The thing I'm doing is working on myself we get comfortable in marriages we get comfortable in the routine the biggest thing with losing a marriage is you lose your security. I thought my wife would be with me the rest of my life she's eight years younger than me I feel like it's almost age discrimination. In some ways she saved me I'm starting to workout again making medical appointments, we have two young children so when I am within the summer I'm gonna make sure we do fun things not just sitting around the house. There's no way though to go but pain it's just pain you eat it every day and the thing for me is I keep begging my wife in the totality of our marriage is over I understand. Sometimes though I think one of my begging for I was unhappy with her she lied to me she wasn't a great person to be with all the time sometimes she was sometimes she was not. All I can tell you is one day at a time work on yourself one day at a time there'll be good days and bad days just keep pushing

roshi-roshi · 2024-04-06T15:53:42+00:00

This is what I am afraid of and will probably be reality- moving on, but always missing my wife deep down, hoping she has fond memories, but knowing we are not going to be together for this final half of our lives. We took vows for forever. What happened?

My wife is resolute too. For me it’s been only a few months and things are moving fast. I don’t understand what happened to her. I did my share of fucking up and blame myself a lot. But my wife with whom I could talk anything out is gone. She has done some emotionally abusive things while claiming I have been abusive. It’s just insane. Yet I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to let her go.

sak144 · 2024-04-06T15:52:55+00:00

Yes - similar story. 47m, 17 years. Dealt with someone who was completely incapable of thinking of anyone except themself. An only child that was completely spoiled and toxic as hell, etc, etc. Though I accept that I had my own role in things falling apart, by harboring resentments and lashing out instead of establishing uncrossable boundaries. I was a little bitch, rather than someone who was strong and led the relationship.

You'll have fits and starts, but things will get better, even way better over time. Embrace the fact that you get to recreate your life in any way you want with nobody being able to stop you or shit all over your dreams. The sadness is just an adjustment to new routines. Get out there and live your life.

MidniteOG · 2024-04-06T15:38:06+00:00

Idk man. Together 10 years, married 4, and have a 3 year old. Separated 6 months. I’m willing to forgive and have tried to reconcile, but have been met with “I need time” “it’s not out of the question” only to find she is now seeing someone. Despite all of that I’m still trying.

Become_Pneuma · 2024-04-06T15:22:22+00:00

My wife is the same. Hate to break it to you but your wife has already found your replacement. Forget about her. Go fuck other girls. Hit the gym. Not all women are like ours… go find a good one.

EmCee311 · 2024-04-06T15:21:38+00:00

Emotions are not static, it’s normal to be happy one minute, and sad the next. What you have to keep telling yourself is that this is the new normal. So you have to ask yourself each time, should I stay in this state of sadness or push forward to create your own happiness? It’s not easy and everyone’s journey is different, hell, it even brings me sadness from time to time and I’ve been divorced for almost 4 years now. You have one life to live, make the best of every day in the best way you know how. Godspeed brother.

Mundane-Surround-325 · 2024-04-06T15:21:13+00:00

Sadness creeps inn more, if we keep playing a "script" in our thoughts, saying: "She is right! Not all I did was 100 % good."

As if it is required that we be totally blameless, in order to have a reasonably peaceful, loving marriage.

Cheb44 · 2024-04-06T15:07:15+00:00

Man I feel so similar. I feel like so much of my life is back to me being my best or close to it. But then days like the past 4-5 are just kicking my ass. The sadness is definitely back in my head.

DocYoctopus · 2024-04-06T15:03:49+00:00

I think a lot of that is up to you and your specific situation. If your kids are older then hopefully you won't have as many encounters with her as things move forward. I find myself still taking steps forward and backwards in this area even after 5 years. Partially because I have a younger child so I'm often interacting with her mom through our coparenting. I'm also prone to letting things bother me and "live rent free in my head" which is why I say some of that will be up to you. Can you focus on a new or old passion and get fully engulfed in that? Can you focus on being the best dad possible and let that drive you through life? Little distractions can be nice, but a rewiring or a retooling of life is required to move on. I wish you luck and even if my take isn't super positive, I can guarantee you that time changes things regardless and what feels crazy today might not be a blip on your radar in a few months.

Classic_Dill · 2024-04-06T14:20:56+00:00

Breathe, remember to eat, and remember to stay hydrated, acceptance is the first phase in healing, I know a lot of people who skipped the acceptance phase, and they stay in limbo for a very long time, this is happening to you, it’s not going away and you’re going to need to deal with it, which means you need to go straight through it, not around it or under it, the acceptance phase takes time sometimes a year, but you have to understand that this is happening and it’s not going away, you’ve got this, you’ll be all right, be patient and work on acceptance. You’re gonna find yourself living in the past a lot and reflecting in the past, but remember, there’s no reason to look in the past, there’s only pain there, you know what went wrong probably, look at the next day in front of you, don’t look back, and don’t allow her back in your life, you can’t heal when your ex spouses in your life still, if you have children? Communicate only about the kids and only by texting and only when absolutely necessary, other than that, cut all communication whatsoever and block her on everything. in your life about you, selfish! Work on your yourself, be the man that you always wanted to be.

Title	I don't know, guys....
Author	LeftySmithy
Upvotes	51
Comments	68
Date	April 6, 2024 2:11 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bxcj66/i_dont_know_guys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-dont-know-guys.1514220 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514220

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